http://www.recovery-man.com/coda/codependency.htm

What is Codependency?

Codependent Personality Disorder is a dysfunctional relationship with the self characterized by living through or for another, attempts to control others, blaming others, a sense of victimization, attempts to "fix" others, and intense anxiety around intimacy. It is very common in people raised in dysfunctional families, and in the partners and children of alcoholics and addicts. Most chemical dependency treatment centers now also offer treatment for Codependency.

Physical and Emotional Consequences of Codependency: Emotional problems such as depression, anxiety, relationship dysfunctions, and cycling between hyperactivity / lethargy are evident in many codependents.

Physical problems often result from untreated codependency. These may include: gastro-intestinal disturbances, colitis, ulcers, migraine headaches, non-specific rashes and skin problems, high blood pressure, insomnia, sleep disorders, and other stress related physical illnesses.

Read about the characteristics and symptoms of codependency.

More about Codependency:

The following excerpt from the book The Emotionally Abused Woman: Overcoming Destructive Patterns and Reclaiming Yourself gives additional information about the dilemma of codependency. The book is by Beverly Engel, MFCC. It was published in 1990 by Ballantine Books. (Despite the gender specific terminology - this applies to both sexes.)

"The irony is that as much as a "codependent" feels responsibility for others and takes care of others, she believes deep down that other people are responsible for her. She blames others for her unhappiness and problems, and feels that it's other people's fault that she's unhappy.

Another irony is that while she feels controlled by people and events, she herself is overly controlling. She is afraid of allowing other people to be who they are and of allowing events to happen naturally. An expert in knowing best how things should turn out and how people should behave, the codependent person tries to control others through threats, coercion, advice giving, helplessness, guilt, manipulation, or domination."

Codependency Links:

St John's Medical Center definition and symptoms of codependency

Symptoms of Codependency:

Inability to know what "normal" is.

Difficulty in following a project through.

Difficulty having fun.

Judging self, others without mercy.

Low self esteem, often projected onto others. (eg: Why don't they get their act together!)

Difficulty in developing or sustaining meaningful relationships. Belief that others cause or are responsible for the codependent's emotions.

(Codependents often use language like "you make me feel ______", or "I was made to feel like____")

Overreacting to change. (or intense fear of / inability to deal with change.)

Inability to see alternatives to situations, thus responding very impulsively.

Constantly seeking approval and affirmation, yet having compromised sense of self.

Feelings of being different.

Confusion and sense of inadequacy.

Being either super responsible or super irresponsible. (Or alternating between these.)

Lack of self confidence in making decisions, no sense of power in making choices.

Feeling of fear, insecurity, inadequacy, guilt, hurt, and shame which are denied.

Isolation and fear of people, resentment of authority figures.

Fear of anger or bottling anger up till it explodes.

Hypersensitivity to criticism.

Being addicted to excitement / drama. (Chaos making.) Dependency upon others and fear of abandonment.

Avoidance of relationships to guard against abandonment fears.

Confusion between love and pity.

Tendency to look for "victims" to help.

Rigidity and need to control.

Lies, when it would be just as easy to tell the truth.

Are you codependent?

Melody Beattie, author of Codependent No More developed this check list:

Do you feel responsible for other people--their feelings, thoughts, actions, choices, wants, needs, well-being and destiny?

Do you feel compelled to help people solve their problems or by trying to take care of their feelings?

Do you find it easier to feel and express anger about injustices done to others than about injustices done to you? Do you feel safest and most comfortable when you are giving to others?

Do you feel insecure and guilty when someone gives to you?

Do you feel empty, bored and worthless if you don't have someone else to take care of, a problem to solve, or a crisis to deal with?

Are you often unable to stop talking, thinking and worrying about other people and their problems?

Do you lose interest in your own life when you are in love?

Do you stay in relationships that don't work and tolerate abuse in order to keep people loving you?

Do you leave bad relationships only to form new ones that don't work, either?

-- Hokie (Hokie_@hotmail.com), February 01, 2000

Answers

Posted by (209.245.164.26) Cherri on January 31, 2000 at 19:28:26:

In Reply to: A lurker's good-bye posted by Casey DeFranco on January 31, 2000 at 18:28:58:

Thank You. If I helped you then it was worth anything anyone threw at me. It was that fear, that horrible, debilitating fear that I was living with (before Charles got my attention and opened my eyes) that I wanted to spare others from. That was my reason for going over to TB2000 in the first place.

http://stand77.com/wwwboard/messages/13033.html

-- Is this (a cry@for.help?), February 01, 2000.

Hokie,

Thanks, I'll make it a point, after reading this, not to develope any codependencies. The physical problems alone would probably kill ya.

No untreated codependence here in my humble abode, thank goodness.

Although, the cat seems to have me trained pretty well.

I guess, in some ways, that could be construed as a codependent relationship.

Her comfortable surroundings and meals in the dish, in trade for my "peace of mind" for her companionship.

Oh yeah, that cleaning the litter box seems to be high on her list too.

-- Michael (michaelteever@buffalo.com), February 01, 2000.

Michael,

I relate 100% about the cat...I have 2 and I am VERY codependent when it comes to them--and they are codependent also. In fact, "Mr. Codependent" is our nickname for one of them. LOL Oh my...there's no hope for us.

But on a serious note, thank you for the article Hokie.

-- Dee (T1Colt556@aol.com), February 01, 2000.

Thanks Dee,

I wish all of my "so called" pets lived a much longer life.

Seems, as soon as we get to know each other, their lifespan is coming to an end, argh! Too many dogs and cats I've enjoyed and loved aren't around me now.

I sincerely hope I catch up with them, in whatever lays beyond.

We had some great friendships, looking forward (not in any hurry, mind you) to resume them.

-- Michael (michaelteever@buffalo.com), February 01, 2000.

Hokie, can't you come post on the AI forum. I'm getting awfully lonesome. You could cross post with commentary...

Mike

-- mike in houston (mmorris67@hotmail.com), February 01, 2000.

Is LadyLogic codependent? She seems trying to control others...

-- Mad Monk (madmonk@hawaiian.net), February 02, 2000.