I can't remember where I found this, and I don't know who wrote it. I may have received it by e-mail.

---

Ten Simple Rules for Dating My Daughter

Rule One:
You pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two:
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three:
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and you pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four:
I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five:
It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early".

Rule Six:
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven:
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight:
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter: Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or nuns within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine:
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten:
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.


-- Steve Baxter (chicoqh@home.com), January 31, 2000

Answers

Could we please see a picture of your before undertake such a hazardous mission.

Best Wishes

-- bob (Bob@ghoward-oxley.demon.uk.), January 31, 2000.

Dear Steve, It's too darn bad that there aren't more fathers that feel this way and let the boys know it. I love it. janet

-- janet marsh (jmarsh4185@aol.com), January 31, 2000.

I usually just invite them to join me in viewing my shotgun collection while we are waiting for my daughter to appear... The unstated message usually seems to be enough.

-- Mad Monk (madmonk@hawaiian.net), January 31, 2000.

If papa had had any respect for women back when he was a horny little pup, he wouldn't now be suspecting every young man of being a slime- bag rapist.

He's remembering himself, that's the problem, & it's a real ugly picture.

But funny, yeah.

-- the men in my family were (never@like.that), January 31, 2000.

I'm glad I'm not your daughter!

-- Penda (pendaz@excite.com), January 31, 2000.

Thanks, Steve. That was a major LOL! My teen-aged daughter has commented often that she enjoys knowing that her Dad is ten miles of very bad road when it comes to young men trifling with her in any way. We both enjoy the scene in Clueless which contains almost the exact text in Rule Nine above.

Young man starts to leave with daughter Cher. Dad barks from the other room, "Hey you! Anything happens to my daughter, I got a .45 and a shovel. I doubt anyone would miss you!"

As the young couple then head to the car, the young man says, "Your Dad's scary." Cher says cheerily, "Isn't he?"

-- DeeEmBee (macbeth1@pacbell.net), January 31, 2000.

Sounds like MY father! AND my husband! My dad's tactic was to take prospective dates out back and hand them a .22. IF they could outshoot him or at least shoot as well as him, then, and only then could they take my sister or myself out. Needless to say we had very very few dates, but we did end up with honest, good men...who could shoot as well as my dad. [The only ones able to shoot better than him? My sister and myself!] ~:O)

-- justme (justme@myhouse.com), January 31, 2000.

Had a friend once whose daughter brought home a boy with an earring. He met them in the yard and kissed the boy on the mouth and said to his daughter, "Thanks hon, I really like this one".

-- crackerman (deliverance@woods.dark), January 31, 2000.

I guess I wasn't following the proper rules, I have two, never married, daughters who have graced me with five grandchildren, go figure.

Obviously, not entirely happy about the circumstances of how these precious children came into the world, but certainly glad they are here.

Other options were available, and fortunately, ignored.

I did laugh like crazy when I first read this awhile ago, love a little humor when it hits so close to home! He, he.

-- Michael (michaelteever@buffalo.com), January 31, 2000.

Sounds like a good start! However, we reckon we have about 8 years to come up with 10 more. It's like guarding the Hope diamond...

-- Gia (laureltree7@hotmail.com), January 31, 2000.

ROTFLMAO! Priceless Steve!

Must register my disagreement with "He's remembering himself, that's the problem, & it's a real ugly picture. " I have found the opposite to be true. The Dad remembering himself as a sleaze is the one who whistles when the daughter comes down the stairs to meet her date, winks at the young man, then desperately tries to high-five the guy on his way out the door without the daughter noticing.

The other Dads are just realistic.

-- Hokie (Hokie_@hotmail.com), January 31, 2000.

I never told the guys anything.

I just showed them the pictures of my daughter castrating a bull calf, with the fresh "articles" in one hand and a pocket knife in the other.

As they walked out, I would always ask my daughter "got your pocket knife?" She'd always grin and say "sure dad, and thanks for sharpening it for me".

Never had any problems.

-Greybear (they say a picture is worth a thousand words)

-- Got Whet Stones?

-- Greybear (greybear@home.com), February 01, 2000.

Hilarious!!!:)

-- Surrounded (hiding@thefirststate.com), February 01, 2000.

....Just found out that the wife and I are going to have a daughter...

I think I'll print this...

-- Billy Boy (Rakkasan101st@Aol.com), February 01, 2000.

Congratulations to you and your wife Billy.

-- hiding in plain (sight@edge of.nowhere), February 01, 2000.

More congratulations to you!

-- Mumsie (shezdremn@aol.com), February 02, 2000.

Congrats, Billy Boy!

-- DeeEmBee (macbeth1@pacbell.net), February 02, 2000.

bump

-- . (Doomers@Like.Humor), November 26, 2001.