OT Saturday Humor - You Might Be A Redneck If ...greenspun.com : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread
Further to Larry's post of "Stupid People", here is Jeff Foxworthy's "You Might Be A Redneck If ..." routine. If I am going to post anything off-topic, it may as well be humor.
You Just Might Be A Redneck if...
- You ever cut your grass and found a car.
- You own a home that is mobile and 5 cars that aren't.
- You think the stock market has a fence around it.
- Your gene-pool doesn't *have* a deep-end.
- Your stereo speakers used to belong to the Moonlight Drive-in Theater.
- You've ever lost a loved one to kudzu.
- Your boat has not left the drive-way in 15 years.
- You own a homemade fur coat.
- Chiggers are included on your list of top 5 hygiene concerns.
- You burn your yard rather than mow it.
- Your wife has ever said, "Come move this transmission so I can take a bath."
- You refer to the time you won a free case of motor oil as "the day my ship came in."
- You read the Auto Trader with a highlight pen.
- The Salvation Army declines your mattress.
- You've ever raked leaves in your kitchen.
- Your entire family has ever sat around waiting for a call from the Governor to spare a loved one.
- Your grandmother has ever been asked to leave the bingo hall because of her language.
- Someone asks, "Where's your bowling bag?" and you answer, "She's at home with the kids."
- Birds are attracted to your beard.
- Your wife's job requires her to wear an orange vest.
- You were shooting pool when any of your kids were born.
- You have the local taxidermist's number on speed dial.
- You've ever hit a deer with your car...deliberatley.
- Your school fight song was "Dueling Banjos".
- You think a chain saw is a musical instrument.
- You've ever given rat traps as gifts.
- You clean your fingernails with a stick.
- Your coffee table used to be a cable spool.
- You keep a can of RAID on the kitchen table.
- You hammer bottle caps into the frame of your front door to make it look nice.
- Your wife can climb a tree faster than your cat.
- Your mother has "ammo" on her Christmas list.
- Every socket in your house breaks a fire code.
- You've totaled every car you've ever owned.
- There are more than five McDonald's bags currently in the floorboard of your car.
- The Home Shopping operator recognizes your voice.
- There has ever been crime-scene tape on your bathroom door.
- You've ever been kicked out of the zoo for heckling the monkeys.
- The taillight covers of your car are made of red tape.
- You think a subdivision is part of a math problem.
- You've ever bathed with flea and tick soap.
- You think "taking out the trash" means taking your in-laws to a movie.
- You have every episode of Hee-Haw on tape.
- You've ever been involved in a custody fight over a hunting dog.
- Your considered an expert on wormbeds.
- Your kids take a siphon hose to "Show and Tell."
- The dog catcher calls for a backup unit when visiting your house.
- You've ever bought a used cap.
- Your CB antenna is a danger to low-flying planes.
- You pick your teeth from a catalog.
- You've ever financed a tatoo.
- You've ever stolen toilet paper.
- You think a hot tub is a stolen bathroom fixture.
- People hear your car a long time before they see it.
- The gas pedal on your car is shaped like a bare foot.
- You prefer car keys to Q-tips.
- You take a fishing pole into Sea World.
- You think a turtleneck is key ingredient for soup.
- You've ever stood in line to have your picture taken with a freak of nature.
- You think the French Riviera is foreign car.
- You go to a stock car race and don't need a program.
- You've ever filled your deer tag on the golf course.
- Your toilet paper has page numbers on it.
- MOTEL 6 turns off the lights when they see you coming.
- You own more than three shirts with the sleeves cut off.
- You've ever spray painted your girlfriend's name on an overpass.
- Your pocket knife often doubles as a toothpick.
- You own a denim leisure suit.
- You know how many bales of hay your car will hold.
- Your dog has a litter of puppies on the living room floor and nobody notices.
- You've ever been kicked out of the KKK for being a BIGOT.
- Your family tree does not fork.
- You see no need to stop at rest stops because you have an empty milk jug in the car.
- The dog can't watch you eat without gagging.
- You have a Hefty Bag for a passenger-side window.
- You show your boyfriend you really love him by carving his name on your arm.
- You've ever had to turn your pickup truck around because of bridge clearance restrictions.
- You've ever had to scratch out your sister's name in a message that begins, "For a good time call...."
- Youve ever had to climb up the water tower with a can of paint to defend your sisters honor.
- You ever hit on somebody in a V.D. clinic.
- Your brother-in-law is also your uncle.
- You bought a VCR because wrestling is on while you're at work.
- After the Prom you drove the truck while your date hit road signs with beer bottles.
- Your father executes the "pull my finger" trick during Christmas dinner.
- All of your four letter words are two syllables.
- You've ever been too drunk to fish.
- You cut your toenails in front of company.
- You go to your family reunion to meet women.
- Your wife has a beer belly and you find it attractive.
- Hitchhikers won't get in the car with you.
- You've ever heard a sheep bleat and had romantic thoughts.
- Your house doesn't have curtains but your truck does.
- You wonder how service stations keep their restrooms so clean.
- You can spit without opening your mouth.
- You consider "Outdoor Life" deep reading.
- You call your boss "dude".
- You have grease under your toenails.
- You consider your license plate personalized because your father made it.
- You think Dom Perignon is a Mafia leader.
- You've ever been fired from a construction job because of your appearance.
- You've ever worn a tube top to a wedding.
- You've ever cleaned fish in your living room.
- You think Campho-Phenique is a miracle drug.
- You actually know which kind of leaves make the best substitute for toilet paper.
- Your front porch collapses and kills more than six dogs.
- You have ever used lard in bed.
- There is a stuffed 'possum mounted anywhere in your house.
- You consider drinking a six pack of beer while watching a bug zapper to be quality entertainment.
- Less than half of the cars you own run.
- Your mother doesn't remove the Marlboro from her lips before telling the state patrolman to kiss her ass.
- The main color of your car is "primer."
- You honestly think that women are turned on by animal noises and seductive tongue gestures.
- Your wife's hairdo has ever been caught in a ceiling fan.
- Your mother has ever been involved in a fist fight at a high school sporting event.
- You have ever barbequed spam on a grill.
- The neighbors have started a petition concerning your Christmas lights.
- You have refused to watch the Academy Awards since "Smokey and the Bandit" was snubbed for Best Picture.
- The rear tires on your car are twice as wide as the front tires.
- You prominently display a souvenir you purchased at Graceland.
- The diploma hanging in your den includes the words "Trucking Institute."
- Your mother keeps a spit cup on the ironing board.
- The most common phrase heard at your family reunion is, "What the hell are you looking at?"
- You think Beef Sticks and Moon Pies are two of the major food groups.
- You have more than two brothers named Bubba or Junior.
- You think a Volvo is part of a woman's anatomy.
- You think the styrofoam cooler is the greatest invention of all time.
- You use a rag for a gas cap.
- You had a toothpick in your mouth when your wedding pictures were taken.
- You have ever used a weed cutter indoors.
- Your lifetime goal is to own a fireworks stand.
- You wait to fart in bed so you can fan the covers on your spouse.
- You have a fly strip hanging above your kitchen table.
- Your richest relative needed help removing the wheels from his new house.
- You bring a date to your own wedding.
- You use skoal flavored mouthwash.
- Your idea of wife swapping is a squaredance.
- You introduce "this is my wife and my sister" and there's only one woman standing next to you.
- You take your dog for a walk and you both use the tree at the corner.
- You can burp and say your name at the same time.
- You've ever been accused of "lyin' through your tooth."
- You've ever taken a beer to a job interview.
-- Steve Baxter (email@example.com), January 29, 2000
Thank you, thank you, thank you!
-- jeile (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 29, 2000.
-- justme (email@example.com), January 29, 2000.
I thought I was in good shape until that last one
-- Ima (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 29, 2000.
Yeah, what's wrong with takin' beer to an interview?
-- Paul milne (email@example.com), January 29, 2000.
-- Nancy (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 29, 2000.
In one of my rare honest moments,
I'm willing to admit that the list hit me 83.6%
One reason it wasn't higher is that my pocket knife has a toothpick IN it. So no need to use the knife.
And I DO know how many bales my "car" wiil hold AND how many goats.
-- Got Honesty? (at least for a moment?
-- Greybear (email@example.com), January 29, 2000.
Your girlfriend has a hicky and a black eye at the same time.
-- Beerman (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 29, 2000.
20 of those fit me
-- Jeremiah (email@example.com), January 29, 2000.
I'm good for 14.
-- silver ion (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 29, 2000.
My first job after graduating college was as a forestry tech at South Dakota State University. I couldn't travel there for the interview because I was still taking finals, so we did the interview over the phone. I well into my fifth beer when they offered me the job.
-- Sam Mcgee (email@example.com), January 29, 2000.
Steve, that was precious!
How about: you can tell you're a redneck woman if your shirt is strapless but your bra isn't??
-- Marie W. (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 29, 2000.
ROTFLMAO! Marie, you're my kind of woman! Between that and me smoking in the bathtub, we'd make a great couple. I hope you like quarter horses.
-- Steve Baxter (email@example.com), January 29, 2000.
If you've ever shot at a "NO HUNTING" sign.
We *do* know how much firewood our 1978 Mercury Grand Marquis will hold.
-- I'm (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 30, 2000.
"You consider drinking a six pack of beer while watching a bug zapper to be quality entertainment."
So what's wrong with that?
-- got another BUUUD hooney? (email@example.com), January 30, 2000.
You might be a redneck if you're concerned about in-breeding in your hunting dog's bloodlines, but you don't let it concern you in your family tree.
-- Wildweasel (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 30, 2000.
Okay, I admit it...I actually checked my own neck in the mirror after this! Just joshing...although there WAS a petition about my Christmas light display last year. (Something silly about being tooo bright...)
-- Nicholas :-) (Erzahler8@aol.com), February 27, 2000.