OT - HUMOR - Things to do at Wal-Mart while your spouse is shopping - OT

greenspun.com : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread

Things to do at Walmart while your spouse is shopping (and while you are no longer buying preps...).

1. Get boxes of condoms & randomly put them in people's carts when they are not looking.

2. Set all the alarm clocks to go off at 10 minute intervals.

3. Make a trail of orange juice on the floor to the restrooms.

4. Walk up to an employee and tell him/her in an official tone, "I think we have a code 3 in housewares," and see what happens.

5. Turn all the radios to a polka station, then turn them all off and turn the volumes to 10.

6. Challenge other customers to duels with tubes of gift wrap.

7. Put M&Ms on layaway.

8. Move "CAUTION-WET FLOOR" signs to carpet areas.

9. Set up a tent in the camping department; tell others you'll only invite them if they bring pillows from the bedding department.

10. When someone asks if they can help you, begin to cry and ask, "Why won't you people leave me alone?"

11. Look right into the security camera and use it as a mirror while you pick your nose.

12. Take up an entire aisle in toys by setting up a full scale battlefield with G.I. Joe's and X-Men.

13. Ask other customers if they have any Grey Poupon.

14. While handling guns in the hunting department, ask the clerk if he knows where the antidepressants are.

15. Switch signs on the men's and women's bathrooms.

16. Dart around suspiciously while humming the theme from "Mission Impossible."

17. Set up a "Valet Parking" sign out front.

18. In the auto department practice your Madonna Look using different size funnels.

19. Hide in the clothing rack and when people browse through say "PICK ME! PICK ME!!!!!!"

20. When an announcement comes over the loud speaker, assume the fetal position and scream "NO! NO! It's those voices again!"

21. Go to the food court, get a soft drink, tell them you don't get out much and would they put one of those little umbrellas in it.

22. Go into the fitting room and yell real loud, "Hey! We're out of toilet paper in here!"

-- Mad Monk (madmonk@hawaiian.net), January 24, 2000


A smile is always appreciated, thanks, Mad Monk. Threads can definitely get serious here. Laughter is such a healing force, Emotionally and Spiritually both.

So, Thanks.

-- Michael (michaelteever@buffalo.com), January 24, 2000.

M. Monk,



I sure needed that!



-- Shimoda (enlighten@me.com), January 24, 2000.

Thank you for that! I read it to my wife and we both rolled on the floor...especially that last one...We just spent a couple of hours in the fitting room last night!

-- Cheap Fuel (usingmy@y2kfuelsupply.com), January 24, 2000.

Haaa Monk,

You'r a MAD man. I can't stand it!

-- Tommy Rogers (Been there@Just a Thought.com), January 24, 2000.

I jest got out of prison today....and I ain't got much to do...so thanks for the suggestions...damn....this innernet is good.....bet the outernet is even better..see y'all...me and mama is a heading down to the beer store....befer we run out. Thanks...Billy Bob...Moose Tail Idaho

-- BB (Billy_Bob357@12pack.com), January 24, 2000.

Go away Billy Bob, that was uncalled for.

-- Michael (michaelteever@buffalo.com), January 24, 2000.

Thanks for the laughs, Mad Monk!

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), January 24, 2000.


-- Dee (T1Colt556@aol.com), January 24, 2000.

I did not mean to offend. I thought it was extremely funny. I have found some of the best humour on here...and it has really helped me to release stress. I have always been misunderstood...even by myself. I will shut up..and to continue to look...learn...and laugh..the laughs do help. We can't stay keyed up all the time. Thanks to all..I'm sorry that it was taken the wrong way.

-- BB (BillyBobI@msorry.com), January 24, 2000.

Billy Bob, drop the mouse and step away from the computer.

-- justme (justme@myhouse.com), January 24, 2000.

We NEED something like this on this board every day! Thank you

-- morgan (bitbybit@eoni.com), January 24, 2000.

I can't wait to try these!!!!:)

-- Surrounded (hiding@thefirststate.com), January 24, 2000.

A lot of those were hysterical, but when I got to #19, ROFLMAO!! Thanks, Madman.

-- (RUOK@yesiam.com), January 24, 2000.

The comdoms are easy to get your hands on in Wal-mart.

People do not look in their carts.

I will let you know what happens tomarrow.

Something to look forward to is sooo fun!

-- hatti (klavine@tco.com), January 25, 2000.

What a hoot!

Thanks Mad Monk and Billy Bob.

-- Lurkess (Lurkess@Lurking.Net), January 25, 2000.

I have a friend who does a variation of #1 in the supermarket. If she sees your cart & catches you unaware, you find the largest jar of the largest pickles as your putting your goodies away in the larder.

It's funny & agravating at the same time.

-- flora (***@__._), January 25, 2000.


1. When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

2. Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

3. Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

4. Call the Psychic Hotline on your cell phone and ask if they know what floor you're on.

5. Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Greg. How's your day been?"

6. Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, then scream, "That's mine!"

7. Bring a camera and take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

8. Move your desk in to the elevator and whenever someone gets on, ask if they have an appointment.

9. Lay down a Twister mat and ask people if they'd like to play.

10. Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

11. Pretend you are a flight attendant and review emergency procedures and exits with the passengers.

12. Ask, "Did you feel that?"

13. Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

14. When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

15. Swat at flies that don't exist.

16. Tell people that you can see their aura.

17. Call out, "group hug!", then enforce it.

18. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering, "Shut up, all of you, just shut up!"

19. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside, ask, "Got enough air in there?"

20. Stand silently and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

21. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce in horror, "You're one of THEM" and back away slowly.

22. Wear a puppet on your hand and use it to talk to the other passengers.

23. Listen to the elevator walls with your stethoscope.

24. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

25. Start grinning at another passenger for a while, and then announce, "I have new socks on."

26. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers, "This is my personal space."

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), January 25, 2000.

"Most" of Monk's list is funny except putting condoms in carts of people who have been sterilized. Does not make for a happy family in the checkout line ahead of you when they inquire "honey, exactly whom are these rubbers intended for?" Also moving the wet floor signs and/or spilling sticky messy orange juice on the floor so that my 73 year old granny falls down. That's just plain sick. To those of you considering this little stunt, hope security catches you and you get banned from the store. Why can't you people who get these moronic internet "lists" use some common sense and delete the "dangerous" or "violent" suggestions before you post them? It's all just more examples of our lack of courtesy anymore. Road Rage anyone? It's so much fun to hurt others.

-- Kindness still counts (momm@toldmeso.com), January 25, 2000.

Thanks Brooks, a very nice addition to Mad Monk's Post.

Can't wait to try out a few, OK, not!

Wish I had the gumption, recognize I don't, Oh well...

-- Michael (michaelteever@buffalo.com), January 25, 2000.

Dear Kindness still counts,

Yes it does, fortunately, this is humor and only that. I would hope anyone who could truly be influenced by this thread is visiting other sites.

You would have to be a moron to take any of these suggestions seriously unless you were purposely having a light moment of laughter with close family or friends in these circumstances.

I would hope "anyone" coming here, lurkers, trolls, pollys, doomers (and any other "monikers" attached to visitors of this forum) can obviously reconize the humor, rather than the visciousness in these posts.

Don't you think?

-- Michael (michaelteever@buffalo.com), January 25, 2000.

"recognize" oops.

-- Michael (michaelteever@buffalo.com), January 25, 2000.

Michael, scroll down to the query "Your Thoughts on WW III?" and see what Ms. Hattie who responded above says. You give more credit for common decency to "some" people on this forum than they deserve :>( Some impressionable idiot WILL try this tomorrow. Probably into the cart of a deeply religious person who won't appreciate the "humor" as much as you or I would. Bet on it. P.S. Been spamstalked by someone on this forum before. Monikers are much safer. Sorry. And yes, our courtesy is vanishing in America. If you're over 40, surely you've noticed?

-- Kindness still counts (momm@toldmeso.com), January 25, 2000.

Kindness, Michael's right about only morons trying these, but so are you - morons seem to abound these days. Unfortunately we have no means of ensuring that they stay where they belong. Nor do we choose to have our freedom of speech held hostage by them. Got another suggestion?

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), January 25, 2000.

Sorry Trish, but your "free speech" argument holds no water with me. As a working journalist with 20 years under my belt, I've watched in horror at the vicious papparazzi tabloidization of our media, and thus the rest of our culture as its filtered down. Noone abhors censorship more than I do. But your right to Free Speech does not entail you with the carte blanche to scream fire in a dark, packed theatre. Equally, your "free speech" misused under the guise cloak of "humour" absolutely ceases when it encourages danger or liability to others. Go tell the parents of the murdered Columbine children that the comic anti-jock, anti-christian websites frequented as well as maintained by Klebold/Harris were only meant in jest. It's all about co-existence. Let's have fun YES. But let's play safely. One man's "joke" is another man's racism. Suggestion: please screen your "lists" that are e-mailed to you before you kneejerk post or forward them ad infinitum.

-- Kindness still counts (momm@toldmeso.com), January 26, 2000.

To clarify: one man's joke is another man's racism. By covertly tossing a box of trojan's into the cart of a poor Mexican, Negro or Asian family in a store with four children under the age of five is blatantly racist, n'est ce pas? Noone has the right to imply that anyone should stop breeding. OR that women must breed against their will, understood? Do you see the humour in that scenario? I do not. What probably started out as a great satire against a vast corporate juggernaut like Wal-mart simply came off as concealed diatribe aimed against the blue collar minorities and elderly who shop there.:>(

-- Kindness still counts (momm@toldmeso.com), January 26, 2000.

Kindness, Get a life! Next you'll be telling us that the bill of rights doesn't apply because the people who wrote it are dead!

It's obvious that you have no sense of humor and can't distinguish between humor and serious urging to to something. Alluding that (items on) the list is racist is a stretch of Liberal/Democratic proportions. I suppose you invented the internet?

-- Powder (Powder47keg@aol.com), January 26, 2000.

Mad, this is the FUNNIEST thing I've seen in a long while....I need humor on a daily basis......especially at work....Hey, this reminds me of the things you would see on the Tom Green show. But for the life of me I cant understand how come everytime a funny and i do mean funny (still smiling), thread gets posted someone ALWAYS comes in with a 'wet blankie'? Anyone figure that out, or am I being tooo sensitive?

-- consumer (shh@aol.com), January 26, 2000.

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