Are you a talker or a listener?

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Or are you one of those people who learned good conversation skills early on?

Do you often find yourself nodding along as you mentally plan your new bathroom? Or are you a babbler? If you're the latter, do you ever catch yourself and feel guilty? Or do you just assume that everyone really loves your stories, so why should you let them talk, anyway?

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

Answers

I'm a babbler. I also go through those gyrations where I talk and talk and then start hearing myself and think, "oh god, I shouldn't be telling them all this - I don't want to be one of those people who tells you about being in recovery and their abused childhood the first time you meet them" (even though I'm just talking about how my knee hurts or something). And then I hear myself further and think, "oh god, I should ask her about herself - but I can't remember where she's working now" and finally blurt out something like "You changed jobs, didn't you? How's that going?" and shut up and listen for a while.

I think with my good friends, it's okay. In fact one of my closest friends is the same way and will say things like "I better shut up now and give you a chance to talk" and in fact, I don't mind at all. I do have one friend with whom this has been a struggle, but I think we're working it out.

Sometimes over the course of a friendship, it evens out - one of you goes through a breakup and has to talk about it all the time, then one of you changes jobs and has to process that. You take turns being the listener. But I think you're talking about those of us who always have plenty to say, even if things are going just great, and have to be reminded to let somebody else talk sometimes.

I read stee's entry and was cringing in recognition, too....

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000


I used to be a really good listener, but I find now that most of the time someone will be talking and talking and talking at me, and I've been making the appropriate noises to indicate that I'm listening, but I'll realize I can't remember one thing they've said over the last several minutes. Also, my husband tries to talk to me about the software he's writing, and I simply smile and nod and occasionally look thoughtful while he shows me what it does and explains it in minute detail, but it all sounds like "Blah the blah blah and then blah blah blah blahdee blah."

I don't think he realizes just how very much I don't understand.

http://www.bitchypoo.com/bitchypoo.html

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000


I am both. It just really depends on the situation. Well of course unless the talker is babbling about sports or cars or things like that and I'm like: you are wasting your time talking to me about that because I could give a crap about it.

This usually gets me into trouble.

On the other hand. The talking thing. Unless I'm really comfortable with you, I talk 100 mph. I just get out all the information as quickly as I can and then I shut up.

Now THAT is embarrassing. Ya know, when you are visibly out of breath from talking.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000


I seem to surround myself with people that talk a lot. My mother will talk for hours. It's almost impossible to end a phone conversation with her. My husband also provides me with blow by blow descriptions of computer stuff, and I really can't help it, my brain just goes numb. I've tried to tell him that I just can't make myself pay attention to lengthy diatribes on a subject that I have no interest in, but he says I'm the only one who will listen. So, I try. I have one friend who is so famous for going on and on and on about herself that she lost a friend over it. After listening to this woman for years this girl just snapped, and told her off. I say that if someone is talking too much, and boring you, that you have a responsibility to stop them. Interject with your own stories, or just say you have to go return some library books or something. Nobody wants to be a bore. They would be horrified if they knew their listener was grinding her teeth and trying to think up an excuse to get off the phone for the entire time that they were baring their soul. I think I'm a pretty good listener. I love to hear the minutiae of people's lives--why else would I read online journals? When I'm sick of listening to someone talk, I try to butt in and say something myself. Or, get off the phone. I don't want to do my friends the disservice or being a bored audience. I saw someone complaining about "having to" read a longwinded post on a bulletin board the other day and thought immediately, "well, why did you read it?"

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

Depends on whether or not I've been drinking. When I'm sober, I am a total wallflower. I'll sit and listen and not have a damn thing to say. Once I've got a few drinks in me, I'll start to talk, but I have to get really drunk to get to the babbling stage. Now, it doesn't help much that I really don't have much in the way of conversational skills. I talk anyway.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000


Oh, Beth, I'm like you -- I talk and talk. I mean to listen, really I do. And when you and I drove up to the Gathering, I think I managed to listen about half the time, and talk the other half? Right? I hope???

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

You were fine, Sunshyn! I thought we were a prettier good babbling mix. No uncomfortable silences, that's the advantage of putting two babblers together!

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

I'm neither. I don't like to talk and listening is too boring. I hate having to fake interest in something someone is telling me, and then I usually get yelled at for zoning out. People who are digressive speakers really drive me up a wall. I cannot listen to them.

On the other hand, if you've got the time to write it down in a letter or email, I'll read it and come up with a response, I'll be genuinely interested.

But no talking. I hate talking. I do it only because the world uses it as a primary means of communication.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000


I am primarily a listener. When I talk about myself, it's only with a few friends, and I tend to talk a lot with them. And then I feel guilty about talking too much and not letting them say anything.

I do go through phases when I won't talk about anything. I'd probably do really well taking a vow of silence. (Chastity, obedience, and poverty wouldn't work for me, though.)

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000


Oh, I am such a babbler. It's just like you described, Beth. I be rambling on and realize suddenly that I haven't shut up in 20 minutes. Then I'll try to wind down to some sort of lame ending. I do try to listen, but with a few people my eyes just glaze over.

I also tend to talk with my hands, waving them about and gesturing. Every once in a while, my husband will just take my hands and hold them. He finds the hand-waving distracting, but I find it hard to keep my train of thoughts going without it.

And though I do like to talk (a LOT), I've even gotten tired of telling the same stories over and over to indivudual friends and family, which is one reason I started an online journal. Want to know how crappy or great my day was? Go there.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000



I have noticed that since I've started my online journal, I talk even less than I did before (which wasn't much). I think my rationale is, I've already told this story, I don't want to tell it again. Of course, when I *do* want to tell a story, I often get, "But Diane, I've already read this on your page." Sigh.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

I am very conscious of this family trait because I have a sister and a brother who can go on and on and on. They both have lived alone for most of their lives and I think this contributes to their babbling and now that I live alone I am so afraid I will fall to this family trait too! My sister is especially bad as she corrals strangers and bares her soul to them! Last Spring we went to a wildflower festival in the Smokies and in every group we hiked with she latched on to someone and I kept hearing her life story over and over and over until I thought I would explode! I took her to a picnic here at the university and we sat at a table with the chair of the English department. I happened to mention that we were utilizing the Eng. Dept's list they created of the "100 best books of the century" as one of the lists we draw from for our Book Club (sister is not in this book club as she is from another city) and before I knew what happened she was bragging about all the tons of books she owns (they are all, I mean ALL, cheesy, historical, romance novels) and then she cornered one of the professor's husbands and told him the entire plot of one of her favorites!! Oh, and she bragged about how much history she learns from them! I wanted to crawl under the table. On the other extreme, my brother is quite well read.....and so when he goes on and on, it is usually informative and interesting although he, too, can bring a glaze to your eyes. As you may have noticed, my posts in this forum tend to be among the longest ones and perhaps it is hereditary as Heather's posts are usually long also! Oh, dear....

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

Huh?

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000

conversation around here is sparse except at family gatherings where cross talk is so confusing ( my hearing aid magnifies every thing ) that i do the wall flower bit and smile a lot.

the web where i listen first (read) and talk next (e-mail) has been like falling up into heaven. very often though someone will e-mail me a question, or i will comment on something they wrote and run on and on until i realize, my god blabber mouth, who wants to hear all that. enough

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000


I am a babbler by nature who has become a listener by necessity. In rural Maine where I grew up, a talkative boy was not welcome to many. In my career as a lawyer, I have been surprised to learn that very few people care what I have to say, and worse, that what I have to say seldom matters. In my work, most of the value that I add comes from listening closely to my clients and adversaries and repeating back the core of it -- sort of a standard psychoanalyst's trick, repackaged as advocacy. Only on the Web can I run on at length.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000


I listen first. And when they are done, I talk. And according to my husband, I don't just tell the story from the beginning, I tell it from Creation. I just like to be thorough. Is that babbling?

I didn't think so.

-- Anonymous, January 24, 2000


I babble. A lot. When I don't, I am silent.

Sometimes I can listen, sometimes I can't.

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2000


I'm a valued listner amongst my closest friends.(at least I've been lead to believe I am.)but im one of those blank slate listners.when you are able to break me away from what im absorbed in,well,then im all yours..

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2000

I am a shy, quiet person by nature, so I dont really talk unless I know the person well enough to feel comfortable talking to them. Unfortunately, once I do, I am a babbler. I catch myself all the time rambling on about some subject or story that the person I am talking to clearly doesn't care about or find as interesting as I did. Listening isn't a skill I've developed either..my attention span doesn't last long, and I find my mind drifting on to other things as the person talks to me.

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2000

What was it again that Archie always used to tell Edith?

Nah, just kidding, really.....

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2000


i used to be a listener, and a damn good one; to a certain extent, i still am. i was the one in grade school through high school people went to with their secrets, because they knew i would never tell anyone, or mock them, or use what they told me against them. they never asked me if i had a secret to share, or just something to say, so i never said anything. i figured they just didn't care. i am the one who sits silently in a public place like a restaurant or bus, soaking in the conversations of others. but, i rarely ever talk. sometimes it's because i'm shy, sometimes it's because i can't get a word in edgewise, but i feel a real need to talk about me and my feelings now after so many years of silence. so, now i have a journal out there, where i can talk about myself all i like and no one interrupts me, or tells me i'm stupid, or that my thoughts, ideas, wishes and dreams are stupid. i'm still a pretty good listener, though, and i still keep secrets, but i don't let people monopolize my time with their problems anymore; i've learned when to tell them to shut up (nicely, of course!).

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2000

You know what I do that I absolutely hate? No, I mean, this really qualifies me for one of the worst people in the world?

Sometimes while someone is talking and it looks like I'm listening, I'm really just plotting out the next thing I'm going to say and deciding when the timing would be good. I'm just waiting.

I'm off to hide now.

-- Anonymous, January 25, 2000


i have one set of absolutely friends-forever. our comunication is about equal.....except when it comes to babbling my worries. so i have a question: if i have 100something and a friend has 10something, am i allowed to voice worries about my 100something? or would i be whining? its hard for me to figure out how a 10something really feels around a 100something friend. i think a friend is a friend, we all have worries that need to be listened to, but im not sure....i've not figured this one out yet.

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2000

i'm a listener most of the time, contributing to the conversation occasionally. i like it when i'm around talkative people - i absorb a lot of information about them that way. sometimes i think i'm not being fair when i don't share much of myself in return. i prefer communicating my thoughts in writing, though, and my friends all know there's an online journal to be read if they want more info. i have become a rather bad listener on certain of my husband's more repetitive topics. for example, when he's driving he has this urgent need to talk about what the other drivers are doing and why they are not following the correct rules of driving. after five years of that, i've taken to the "nod and uh-huh" technique.

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2000

Oh, man. I know very well that I have a terrible tendancy to go on and on. And halfway through, I do indeed catch myself and feel pretty awful about it. But generally, I try and usually succeed in listening to my friends go on, as well.

Funny thing is that being able to talk easily is an advantage in my work. My main gig is as an entertainment caricaturist, and I can talk to anyone about anything while drawing them. I always learn something new, and they feel more entertained somehow. Weird but true.

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2000


I am definately a listener... I do listen, but I catch myself a lot doing the mental thinking about other stuff thing. I also listen to other conversations while I SHOULD be listening to the person who is talking to ME. Oops.

-- Anonymous, January 26, 2000

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