A husband is at home watching a ball game when his wife interrupts, "honey, could you fix the light in the hallway? it's been flickering for weeks now"

He looks at her and says angrily. "fix the light? now? does it look like I have a G.E.. logo printed on my forehead? I don't think so."

well then, could you fix the fridge door? it won't close right." To which he replied, "fix the fridge door? does it look like I have Westinghouse written on my forehead? I don't think so."

"Fine," she says "then you could at least fix the steps to the front door? they're about to break." "I'm not a dang carpenter and I don't want to fix steps," he says. "does it look like I have ace hardware written on my forehead? I don't think so. I've had enough of you. I'm going to the bar!!!"

so he goes to the bar and drinks for a couple hours.

He starts to feel guilty about how he treated his wife, and decides to go home and help out. as he walks into the house he notices the steps are already fixed. as he enters the house, he sees the hall light is working. as he goes to get a beer, he notices the fridge door is fixed. 'honey, how'd all this get fixed?"

she said, "well, when you left I sat outside and cried. Just then a nice young man asked me what was wrong, and I told him. he offered to do all the repairs, and all I had to do was either go to bed with him or bake a cake."

He said, "so what kind of cake did you bake him?" she replied, " Me bake a cake?"

Do you see Betty Crocker written on my forehead?"

-- freddie (freddie@thefreeloader.com), January 20, 2000

Answers

Perfect place to post one of my favorite web sites.

http://www.drbukk.com/index.html

make sure you check out the great mobile homes of mississippi.

-- tt (cuddluppy@aol.com), January 20, 2000.

Freddie,

LOLOLOLOL - Good one!

-- Dee (T1Colt556@aol.com), January 20, 2000.

A Ham Sandwich walks into a Bar,sits down and orders a beer.The Bartender glowers at it for a few seconds,then says very firmly."We don't serve food here!!!"

-- Dan Newsome (BOONSTAR1@webtv.net), January 20, 2000.

How can you tell that a blond was using your computer? A: By the whiteout all over the moniter.

-- browneyes (laughing@jokes.com), January 20, 2000.

A really, really sick fellow goes to the emergency room, He expresses how bad he feels, and the doc reassures him that they will pull various samples and find out exactly whats wrong.

Well, the tests come back and the patient asks whats wrong?

Well, doc says, you have, malaria, hepatitis A, B & C, ebola, lassa fever, anthrax, black plague, pneumonia, yellow fever, scarlet fever, denge fever, spotted fever, limes disease, pre-AIDS syndrome, AIDS related complex, AIDS, the flu, and a really, really, bad cold.

So, he says, what can you do for me???

Doc says, dont panic, were going to put you in the hospital, start an IV drip with broad spectrum antibiotics, and initiate a diet of pancakes and flounder.

Pancakes and flounder? Is this some sort of nutritional therapy?

No, says doc, but its the only thing on the hospital menu that will fit under the door.

Kook

Ain'cha ashamed to laugh at this one???

-- Y2Kook (Y2Kook@usa.net), January 20, 2000.

I just read a great line by Saul Bellow...

"They call her a suicide blond...dyed by her own hand."

-- Irving (irvingf@myremarq.com), January 20, 2000.

There's a new chicken dinner on the menu at Kentucky Fried . It's called the Hillary. It's served with two small breasts, two large thighs and nothing but left wings.

-- (I'm@pol.ly), January 20, 2000.

Two blonds ran into a building.
You'd think one of them would have noticed it.

-- A (A@AisA.com), January 20, 2000.

While I am thinking of laughter, a great perspective came to mind. We could all stand to keep this handy in our emotional files when we are tempted to slide towards darkness, as sometimes happens in this forum.

"If I laugh at any mortal thing, it is that I may not weep."

Lord Byron

Not funny, but very profound.

-- Irving (irvingf@myremarq.com), January 20, 2000.

Sign at a fast food chicken resturant in New York. Try our new Hillary basket. Two small breast, two large thighs and assorted left wings.

-- Ed (ed@lizzardranch.com), January 20, 2000.

i am blonde but that is another matter.

irving, duh, i don't get it? does it mean mortal as in Kombat or mortal as in human?

waiting.....

-- tt (cuddluppy@aol.com), January 20, 2000.

Title of joke, "The Chinese Virgin"

A 14 yr old girl marries an older Chinese gentleman who is kind and a man of the world. On their wedding night the bride is terrified and is hiding and crying under the blankets.

The groom, seeing her distress and fear says, "Do not worry little blossom. We no have to do "the big thing" tonight. We must get to know each other. We will talk and then before we go to sleep, maybe we can have some number 69.

The sobbing girl stops crying looks up in bewilderment and says, "You wanna have beef and broccoli?

{Joke best delivered with Chinese accent}

Bill in South Carolina

-- Bill in South Carolina (notaclue@webtv.net), January 20, 2000.

A blonde and brunette were watching the 6 o'clock news. The news was about a man about ready to jump off a bridge. The brunette turns to the blonde and says, "I'll bet you $50 the man is going to jump." Sure enough, the man jumps, and the blonde gives the brunette $50. The brunette says, "I can't accept this money. I watched the 5 o'clock news and saw the man jump then." "No, you have to take it," says the blonde. "I watched the 5 o'clock news too, but I didn't think he would do it again."

-- Susie (susie0884@aol.com), January 20, 2000.

So, President Clinton goes out jogging, just like he does every morning. On the way out he always passes the Secret Service agent at the back gate. But one morning he comes back with a beautiful golden retrever.

The agent says. "Mr. President. Where did you get that nice dog?"

To which Bejing Billy replies "I got it for Hillary."

At which the agent whistles in admiration and says "Wow. Great trade!"

Watch Six and keep your...

-- eyes_open (best@wishes.2all), January 20, 2000.

After being the "fodder of the day" at DeBonkers, I couldn't help but get involved in this one!

A successful business man is out tooling around in his new BMW and decides to see what this baby will do. So he opens it up to about 90- 95mph and suddenly notices that he's being chased by a cop. He steps on the gas thinking that he'll just outrun the guy, then thinks better of it and pulls over. The cop swaggers up to his window and says, "Son, I'm almost at the end of my shift and don't feel like writing any more tickets today. If you can give me a good excuse why you were driving in such a manner, I may just cut you a break and let you go."

The man says without hesitation, "Well, officer, last month my wife ran off with a cop and I thought you were chasing me down to give her back!"

"Have a nice day, sir."

Jimmy a.k.a. The Moron of Morons on DeBonkers

-- Jimmy Splinters (inthe@dark.com), January 20, 2000.

A keen country lad applied for a salesman's job at a city department store. It was one of those massive stores that has every department imaginable. In fact it was the biggest store in the world --- you could get anything there.

The boss asked him, "Have you ever been a salesman before?" "Yes, I was a salesman in the country," said the lad. The boss liked the cut of him and said, "You can start tomorrow, Friday morning, and I'll come and see you when we close up."

When the boss looked up the young man the next day at closing time, he saw him shaking hands with a beaming customer. After they parted, he walked over and asked, "Well, that looked good! How many sales did you make today?"

"That was the only one," said the young salesman.

"Only one!?!" blurted the boss. "Most of my staff make 20 or 30 sales a day. You'll have to do better than that! Well, how much was the sale worth?"

"Two hundred twenty seven thousand, three hundred thirty four dollars and change," said the young man.

The boss paused for a moment, blinking a few times. "H... H... How did you manage that?!?"

"Well, when he came in this morning and I sold him a small fish hook. Then, I sold him a medium hook, and then a really large hook. Then I sold him a small fishing line, a medium one, and then a big one. I then sold him a speargun, a wetsuit, scuba gear, nets, chum, coolers, and a keg of beer. I asked him where he was going fishing and he said down the coast. We decided he would probably need a new boat, so I took him down to the boat department and sold him that twenty-foot schooner with the twin engines. Then, he said that his Volkswagon probably wouldn't be able to pull it, so I took him to the car department and sold him the new Deluxe Cruiser, with a winch, storage rack, rustproofing, and a built-in refrigerator. Oh, and floor mats."

The boss took two steps back and asked in astonishment, "You sold all that to a guy who came in for a fish hook?!"

"No," answered the salesman. "He came in to buy a blanket."

"A blanket?" "Yeah, an extra blanket for the couch. He just had a fight with his wife. I said to him, 'Well, your weekend's ruined, so you may as well go fishing......."

-- justme (justme@myhouse.com), January 20, 2000.

A son goes to his father and says "Dad, what's the difference between potentially and realistically?" The dad says "Ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for one million bucks. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for one million bucks. Then come back to me."

So the son asked his mother and sister, and received answers in the affirmative. He went back to his father. His father said "So, have you figured out the difference between potentially and realistically yet?"

The son said "Yes. Potentially we're sitting on two million bucks. Realistically, we're living with two sluts."

-- Amy Leone (leoneamy@aol.com), January 20, 2000.

In theory, there is no difference between theory and practice. In practice, there is.

-- Mad Monk (madmonk@hawaiian.net), January 20, 2000.

A gorgeous blonde finds herself seated on a coast-to-coast flight with a talkative lawyer. She is very tired, and only wants to take a nap. Finally the lawyer says, "I know! Let's play a game. I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer it, you give me $20. Then you ask me a question, and if I can't answer it, I'll give you $20."

"No, thanks," the blonde says, and fluffs up her pillow.

"I have it," the lawyer says. "If you ask me a question I can't answer, I'll give you $50, but if I ask YOU a question you can't answer, you only have to pay me $5. How's that?"

Resigned to her fate, the blonde agrees. "You go first," the lawyer says, and waits for her question.

"What goes up a hill on four legs and comes down on three?" the blond asks, then turns over and goes to sleep. The lawyer is really stumped. He wracks his brain. He gets out his pocket dictionary. He looks in his pocket almanac. He even checks the magazines in the seat pouch in front of him. He whips out his laptop and goes through all his files looking for something that might give him a clue. He uses the phone in the back of the seat in front of him and calls his office, telling them to research it and give him the answer, and waits and waits, but finally his secretary says, "I'm sorry, sir. I can't find anything that even comes close."

"Ok," says the lawyer. He makes a couple more phone calls, but still can't find the solution to the woman's question. Finally, after almost an hour, he wakes up the blond and hands her a $50 bill. She takes the money, then turns over and goes back to sleep.

"WAIT!!" the lawyer says. "What IS the answer??"

The blonde reaches in her purse, then turns to the lawyer and hands him a $5 bill.

-- Liz (lizpavek@hotmail.com), January 20, 2000.

W. C. Fields:

"Why, I remember once during Prohibition...I had to go for days on food and water alone!"

-- Joseph Almond (sa2000@webtv.net), January 20, 2000.

..... A ventriloquist from Denver that had never in his life had a vacation, finally decided that he'd been working too hard of late, and took the plunge. After clearing his schedule, he got in his car and drove north, not really caring where he was headed. After crossing into Wyoming, he found himself driving on a long stretch of dirt road.

.....Suddenly he came upon a flock of sheep for as far as the eye could see. Having to drive slowly through the sheep as they crossed the road, he finally arrived at the other end of the flock; he saw off in the distance the old sheepherder that sat by his covered wagon and stopped to talk to the fellow. After a moments time, he'd decided that the sheepherder really wasn't all that bright, so he thought he might have a bit of fun with him.

.....Turning his attention to the man's horse the ventriloquist started telling him what a fine animal the horse was, and the sheepherder agreed. He told the herder that the horse looked as though he were really smart, and the old man nodded and said, "Yessir, I've had that horse a long time and he's the smartest horse that I've ever had." The ventriloquist turned once again to the man and asked if the horse talked... The herder replied, "Naw, hell no that horse don't talk! Son, have you been in the city too long?"

.....About that time the ventriloquist made the horse say, "Why would I want to talk to you, you sorry son-of-a-gun?! You work me half to death, never feed me proper and let me sleep in the cold without a blanket... why would I want to talk to you?"

.....The old sheepherder cocked his head and said, "Mayhap I was a little hard on that horse..."

.....So the ventriloquist started petting the man's dog. He told the herder that it looked as though he sure found himself a fine dog. And the herder readily agreed. He asked the herder if the dog was smart. The old sheepherder replied, " Absolutely! Why I've had a great many dogs in my time, but he is far and away the smartest." The ventriloquist then asked if the dog could talk. The sheepherder looked at the dog and said, " Naw, hell no that dog don't talk! I've had that dog too long, and I know he doesn't talk!"

.....About that time the ventriloquist made the dog say, "Why would I want to talk to you, you sorry son-of-a-gun?! You work me all day long, never feed me proper and let me sleep in the cold without a blanket; and you rarely ever pet me... why would I want to talk to you?"

.....The old herder said, "Mayhap I was a little hard on that poor dog."

.....The the ventriloquist started looking at all the herder's flock, and commented about how many there were. The herder agreed that there were indeed quite a few. The ventriloquist commented about the amount of wool they could produce, and the herder agreed, saying, "Yessir, they give the highest yeild of wool in these parts."

.....The ventriloquist then stated that the sheep looked awfully smart, and asked the herder, "Do these sheep talk?"

.....The old sheepherder looked at the man, paused to look at the sheep, then back to the ventriloquist, then he said, "Yeah, them sheep talk alright, but don't you believe a word those fuzzy little liars say!"

-- Patrick (pmchenry@gradall.com), January 20, 2000.

If everyone in the country drove a pink car, we would be a pink carnation.

(Not funny, but it's the only one I could think of...brain fatigue setting in today)

-- Dee (T1Colt556@aol.com), January 20, 2000.

A burglar was at work in the city, pulling off job after job. A few times he had been surprised, but he hadn't hurt anyone, just fleeing with incredible speed. But not before politely tipping his hat, so the newspapers labeled him "The Gentleman Bandit".

One night a husband and wife were sleeping when the wife woke up in alarm. She tried to wake her husband, saying "Honey, I think someone else is in the house!" Hubby didn't want to be roused and said No No there isn't. She kept trying, and finally he said "NO! There isn't anyone else in the house!!" Whereupon the Gentleman Bandit leaped out of the closet and said "Yes there IS, so you just apologize to the lady!"

-- Peter Errington (petere@ricochet.net), January 20, 2000.

I actually have two jokes. The one I just submitted was such a laff riot that I feel able to submit one that is a trifle less so:

The young people were at a dance, and a pretty young Miss saw a really nice loking young man, who she hoped would come over and ask her to dance. So she smiled and looked his way, and it worked. But he wasn't dancing very well, so he apologized, saying "You'll have to excuse me, I'm just a little stiff from polo." Whereupon she said "Oh, I don't care where you come from, I think you're cute"

-- Peter Errington (petere@ricochet.net), January 20, 2000.

Just got these in the mail.

STUPID CRIMINAL STORIES

Two thieves did a smash-and-grab robbery of a display window at a cellular telephone store in Winston-Salem, NC. The next morning, the store manager noticed the damage when he opened for business and filed a report with the police. When investigators asked for the estimated value of the phones the manager said, "About $10. They were dummy models made out of solid plastic." Three teenagers who grabbed a package from a woman's car in Des Moines, Iowa recently were in for an unpleasant surprise. The package contained droppings from the woman's dog. The victim said she had been walking her Cairn terrier and had used the bag to pick up after him. She said when she finished, she wrapped the 4-by-5-inch package and set it down on her car trunk. That's when the three teenagers rushed by. One grabbed the bundle and yelled, "Thank you." The victim said she looked up, saw the trio racing away, and replied, "You're welcome." She told police, "I just wish I could have seen their faces when they opened it up." A Columbus, Ohio police officer who was instructing bank employees on what to do during a robbery was interrupted by a bank robbery. The suspect entered the bank and handed a teller a note demanding cash. He had somehow missed the uniformed police officer standing at a nearby teller window. The officer interrupted his class and tackled the robber after a short foot chase. In a recent interview in the Los Angeles Times, "The Newlywed Game" host Bob Eubanks recalled one of his most memorable moments on the show. Eubanks asked one female contestant to remember something her husband had told her not the talk about. "She said her husband and her cousin were going to kill her uncle for the insurance money," Eubanks said. "I was even more shocked when her husband came back and matched her answer." Police officers were waiting for the husband after the show finished taping. A New Jersey state employee resigned recently after being arrested for driving while intoxicated. He lost his job as the director of the New Jersey Division of Alcoholic Beverage Control. A Mexican man arrived at an airport in Oakland, California carrying a faked American ID. What he apparently didn't know was that the man he was impersonating was a fugitive wanted on burglary and concealed weapons charges. A man in Little Rock, Arkansas started a fire that destroyed a mobile home and injured the home's owner. The blaze started when the man used a cigarette lighter to look inside a gasoline can to determine if there was water inside. Our only hope is that this individual has not contributed to the human gene pool.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), January 20, 2000.

Jack and Donald are co-workers, on a business trip to Hawaii. Since their meetings finished early each day, they decided to take advantage of the time & spend it on the beach.

Well, the first afternoon on the beach, Jack constantly surrounded by beautiful, gorgeous, sexy women, and poor Donald couldn't even get past hello with any of them. Next afternoon, same thing; Jack had all the female attention he could handle, and Donald wasn't having any luck at all. The third afternoon came and went, same thing. That evening, Donald just couldn't stand it anymore, and approached Jack. "What's your secret, man? The chicks are crawling all over you, and I can't even get a second look!". "Well," said Jack, looking furtively over his shoulder, and lowering his voice to a whisper, "Here's the secret to success with babes: you put a potato in your swim trunks. Drives 'em wild, guaranteed!" "No kidding," mused Donald, "a potato... Well, geez, if it works for you, Jack, I'll give a try!"

So, the next afternoon, Jack & Donald are again on the beach. Jack is having his usual success with the ladies, but Donald is having no luck at all. Finally he sidles up to Jack and whispers into his ear: "Jack, you were wrong! I did what you said, but the girls still won't talk to me... in fact, today they're avoiding me, and acting like I have the plague or something! What gives?"

Jack leans over and whispers into Donald's ear. "Donald, you moron, the potato goes in the front!"

'

-- Arewyn (artemis31@msn.com), January 20, 2000.

More stupid questions

Why ask why?

If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages?

Would a fly without wings be called a walk?

Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

If the funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off?

If a stealth bomber crashes in a forest, will it make a sound?

When it rains, why don't sheep shrink?

Why is the word abbreviation so long?

If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

What do you do when you discover an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants?

Do hungry crows have ravenous appetites?

Is it possible to be totally partial?

What's another word for thesaurus?

When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in?

If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?

Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections?

Why is there an expiration date on my sour cream?

How do you know when it's time to tune your bagpipes?

Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?

When you choke a smurf, what color does it turn?

Do they have reserved parking for non-handicapped people at the Special Olympics?

Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one?

Do radioactive cats have 18 half-lives?

If you shoot a mime, should you use a silencer?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

How can they tell that twin lobsters are really twins?

What is the speed of dark?

How come you never hear about gruntled employees?

What is a "free" gift? Aren't all gifts free?

After eating, do amphibians have to wait one hour before getting out of the water?

If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

What's another word for synonym?

If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation?

When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all"?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

How can there be self-help groups?

Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?

If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?

Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?

Why is it that when you transport something by car, its called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, its called cargo?

Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?

Where are Preparations A through G?

Are there seeing eye humans for blind dogs?

If knees were backwards, what would chairs look like?

When you open a new bag of cotton balls, are you supposed to throw the top one away?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

What happened to the first 6 "ups"?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow? Or maybe I'll just have a big bunch of purples

If olive oil comes from olives, where does baby oil come from?

-- Deborah (infowars@yahoo.com), January 20, 2000.

A man goes into a bar and says "I've had it with this divorce business! Next time I'm just going to find a woman I really hate and buy her a house!" And another favorite The 2 runner ups to play Janet Reno in an upcoming TV special are #1 Lou Ferigno #2 Hulk Hogan ROFLOL

-- morgan (bitbybit@eoni.com), January 20, 2000.

Sarcastic remarks to get you through the day: And your crybaby whiny-a$$ed opinion would be...? This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting. I started out with nothing & still have most of it left. Sarcasm is just one more service we offer. If I throw a stick, will you leave? You!... Off my planet! If I want to hear the pitter patter of little feet, I'll put shoes on my cats. Errors have been made. Others will be blamed. A PBS mind in an MTV world. Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed. Suburbia: where they tear out the trees & then name streets after them. Well, this day was a total waste of makeup. See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil. I'm not your type. I'm not inflatable. I have a computer, a vibrator, & pizza delivery. Why should I leave the house? Not all men are annoying. Some are dead. It ain't the size, it's... no, it's the size. A woman's favorite position is CEO. I'm trying to imagine you with a personality. A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door. Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks. Okay, okay, I take it back! UnF*ck you! Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it? Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done. I plead contemporary insanity. How do I set a laser printer to stun? Meandering to a different drummer.

..and my personal favorite: Do I look like a damn people person?

-- justme (justme@myhouse.com), January 20, 2000.

One more for Deborah...

.....Where did Webster look up his words?

-- Patrick (pmchenry@gradall.com), January 20, 2000.

My favorite joke?

"R.C. and Andy"

BWAHAHAHAHAHA

-- LMAO (too@funny.here), January 20, 2000.

For tt: Lord Byron lived in the 1800's, so I believe we can safely assume that he knew nothing about video games.

Mortal refers to human...

-- Irving (irvingf@myremarq.com), January 20, 2000.

Hi, all,

Ok, I'm hooked on Letterman's Top Ten lists. Here are just a few of my favorites:

From "Top Ten Tip-Offs To Guys You're On A Bad Date"

#9) Doesn't laugh when you give yourself ketchup sideburns #7) It's been four hours since she left for the ladies' room #1) "Whoa! Is it 8:15 already?"

From "Top Ten Good Things About Marrying Clint Eastwood"

#5) His charming insistence that words, "Do you feel lucky, punk?," be incorporated into wedding vows.

From "Top Ten Signs You've Had Too Much Coffee"

#6) You're passing everybody on the freeway when you suddenly realize -- you're not in a car.

From "Top Ten Tricks You Can Play On The Census Taker"

#10) Excuse yourself from room and come back wearing different clothes. Repeat fifteen times.

From "Top Ten Least Popular New Car Options"

#7) Drifter in the back seat who says "Your door is open"

From "Top Ten New Pharmaceuticals Banned By The FDA"

#10) Solar-Powered Pacemaker

From "Top Ten Signs You're At A Bad Summer Camp"

#10) The water level of the lake rises whenever someone flushes the toilet.

From "Top Ten Things That Will Get You Kicked Off A Jury"

#10) Whenever prosecutor approaches the jury box, attempt to give him your drink order. #7) When items are held up to be entered as evidence, shout out a bid.

From "Top Ten Rejected Hallmark Cards"

#10) "Nobody Knows Exactly When Your Birthday Is, But I Hope It's A Good One, Boy-Raised-By-Wolves!" #6) "The Screaming Voices In My Head Have Ordered Me To Send You This Valentine"

From "Top Ten Signs You Have Gambling Fever"

#8) In produce section of supermarket, you point and say, "Look -- those things from the little slot-machine windows!"

-- eve (123@4567.com), January 20, 2000.

A woman desperately looking for work goes for an interview. The Personnel Manager goes over her resume and explains to her that he regrets he has nothing worthy of her. The woman answers that she really needs work and will take almost anything. The Personnel Manager hums and haws and finally says he does have a low skill job on the "Tickle Me Elmo" line and nothing else. The woman happily accepts. He takes her down to the line and explains her duties and that she should be in for 8:00 AM the next day.

The next day at 8:45 there's a knock at the Personnel Manager's door. The "Tickle Me Elmo" line manager comes in and starts ranting about the woman just hired. After screaming for 15 minutes about how badly backed up the assembly line is the Personnel Manager suggested he show him the problem.

Together they head down to the line and sure enough Elmos are backed up from here to kingdom come. Right at the end of the line is the woman just hired, she has pulled over a roll of the material used for the Elmos and has a big bag of marbles. They both watch as she cuts a little piece of fabric and takes 2 marbles and starts sewing them between Elmo's legs.

The personnel manager starts to kill himself laughing and finally after 20 minutes of rolling around he pulls himself together and walks over to the new employee and says:

"I guess you misunderstood me yesterday. What I wanted you to do was give Elmo two test tickles."

-- JCL Jockey (WeThrive@OnStress.com), January 20, 2000.

Rush Limbaugh was riding through a plush country side in his chauffeured limousine. All of a sudden a pig darted out in front of the limo and was instantly killed. Rush felt really bad and instructed his driver to head up to the closest farm house, find out if they owned the pig and offer to pay for damages.

They arrived in front of the farm house and the chauffeur went to the front door. He was escorted inside and was gone for over 2 hours. When he reappeared his clothes were in disarray, he was carrying a brown paper bag, and had the biggest smile on his face that Rush had every seen. Rush demanded to know where the man had been and what had taken so long.

The chauffeur reported that he had went to the door just as instructed, had told the farmer and his wife what had happened. They invited him in, prepared his favorite meal for him. Then they took him upstairs to meet their 24 year old daughter who was a finalist in the Miss America Pageant. They left him with the daughter to have wild sex for an hour. When he came back downstairs the farmer's wife had baked chocolate chip cookies and had given him the brown bag full of fresh hot cookies, then they sent him on his way.

"Wow," says Rush, "what the hell did you tell them?"

Replied the chauffeur, "I told them I was Rush Limbaugh's chauffeur and I had just killed the pig."

-- mebs (andrea@mebs.lurking), January 20, 2000.

Steve, who was born without ears, needed to hire a new manager.

The next day he had set up three interviews. The first guy was great. He knew everything he needed to and was very interesting. But at the end of the interview, Steve asked him, Do you notice anything different about me?

And the gentleman answered, Why yes, I couldn't help but notice you have no ears. Steve did not appreciate his candor and threw him out.

The second interview was with a woman, and she was even better than the first guy. But he asked her the same question, Do you notice anything different about me?

And she replied: Well, you have no ears? Steve got upset again and tossed her out.

The third and last interview was the best one of all three. It was with a very young man, who was fresh out of college. He was smart, He was handsome, and he seemed to be a better businessman than the first two put together. Steve was anxious, but went ahead and asked the young man the same question: Do you notice anything different about me?

And to his surprise, the young man answered: yes, you wear contact lenses.

Steve was shocked, and said, What an incredibly observant young man. How in the world did you know that?

The young man fell off his chair laughing hysterically and replied, Well, its pretty hard to wear glasses with no f***ing ears!

-- Female Comics for 500 (infowars@yahoo.com), January 21, 2000.

If a man speaks in the forrest, and there is no woman there to hear him; is he still wrong?

(probably only funny to the ladies)

On another note, I have had my computer programmed to give me error messages in haiku verse:

"A file that big?

It might be very useful.

But now it is gone."

"The web site you seek

Cannot be located

But endless others exist."

"Chaos reigns within.

Reflect, repent and reboot.

Order shall return."

"Aborted effort:

Close all that you have.

You ask far too much."

"With searching comes loss

And the presence of absence;

'My Novel' not found."

"Out of memory.

We wish to hold the whole sky,

But we never will."

"Serious error. All

Shortcuts have disappeared.

Screen. Mind. Both are blank"

"Three things are certain:

Death, taxes and lost data.

Guess which has occurred."

-- jeanne (jeanne@hurry.now), January 21, 2000.

Two priests go on vacation to the Bahamas. They decide to remove any signs of their priesthood, and just be civilians again, so they go to the clothing store and buy themselves some loud, gaudy, outrageous shorts, shirts, sandals and straw hats. Then they go to the beach and lie down in the sun to watch the surf and the girls from behind their dark glasses. A gorgeous blonde in a teeny bikini walks by, and gives them each a big smile, and says, "Hello, Fathers." Then she walks past.

The two priests are amazed that someone would be able to see through their disguises, so they hurry back to the store and buy themselves some even more colorful outfits and some new sunglasses. Back to the beach they go, determined to remain anonymous. Sure enough, here comes the gorgeous blonde again in her teeny bikini. "Hello, Fathers," she says, and walks on by. One of the priests jumps up and goes after her. "See here, young woman! How is it that you were able to tell that my companion and I are priests? We are not wearing anything even vaguely priestly!"

"Oh, Father!" the blonde says. "Don't you recognize me?? I'm Sister Catherine!!"

-- Liz (lizpavek@hotmail.com), January 21, 2000.

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blond female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box. She opened it, then slammed it shut and ran back in the house.

A little later, she came out of her house again to the mail box and again opened it, slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, she ran out again, marched to the mailbox, opened it and then slammed it shut harder than ever.

Puzzled by her actions, the man asked her, "Is something wrong?" She replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps saying, 'YOU'VE GOT MAIL!' "

-- Tim (pixmo@pixelquest.com), January 22, 2000.

There were several blondes and one brunette on a hiking expedition in the Andes. While crossing a suspension bridge, it broke on one end. Because of the tension, all it would take to save them all was for one of them to let go and fall to her death, then the rest would swing up to safety. When none of the blondes volunteered, the brunette started talking. She gave a speech about how much she had enjoyed her life, but how she was willing to make this ultimate sacrifice because she was sure that she'd never be forgotten and that the blondes would go on to make wonderful contributions to society in her memory. The blondes were so impressed with her speech that they applauded.

When someone has been bad-mouthing some ethnic group (say the Chinese), ask, "Do you speak (Chinese)?" "No" - "Do you write Chinese?" "No" - "How does it feel to be dumber than a Chinese?"

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), January 22, 2000.

OK, I'm game. In my opinion the following is truly hilarious -- possibly the best I've read. Be aware, however, that this is a relatively sloppy re-writing of someone else's joke; I'm communicating it here for educational purposes only. (Sorry for all that... let's get started.)

A woman is doing some gardening in her back yard one fine afternoon when her dog approaches her with a soiled, ragged, dead rabbit in his mouth. She recognizes the rabbit as her neighbor's pet and realizes, to her horror, her dog must have killed the poor thing. Rather than just apologizing when her good neighbor returns from work, she decides to do a little clean-up: She bathes and shampoos the rabbit in her tub to wash the dirt away and then uses a blow drier to make the coat fluffy again. Next, she sneaks into her neighbor's yard and carefully slips the rabbit back into its cage where it will be found dead by the unsuspecting owner of natural causes *wink*.

Ready for the good part?

...

Later that same evening the woman notices a police officer's car pull into her neighbor's driver. Feeling concerned and curious she approaches the officer and asks him if there is a problem. He responds, "We just received a complaint; the resident of this home claims his pet bunny died a few days ago and the family buried it in the back yard. Apparently today some sick weirdo dug it up and put it back in its cage."

-- Joe Cellphone (stilllovinglife@chaos.com), January 23, 2000.

These two little boys are sitting in the living room, watching TV with their parents. The mother looks over at the father with a wink and a nod toward upstairs. The father "gets" the message, and they both get up and head towards the stairs. The mother turns back to the two boys and says, "We're going upstairs for a minute. You two stay here and watch TV. We'll be right back, OK?" The two boys nod OK, and the parents take off upstairs.

The oldest of the two boys is old enough to know what's going on now, and he gets up and tiptoes upstairs. At the top of the stairs, he peeks into his mom and dad's room and shakes his head.

Back downstairs he goes, back to his little brother. "Come with me," he says, and the 2 little boys tiptoe up the stairs. Halfway up, the older brother turns to his brother and says, "Now I want you to keep in mind, this is the same woman who used to bust our ass for sucking our thumb!!!!

____________

Mr. Johnson got himself a new secretary. She was young, sweet, and very polite. One day while taking dictation, she noticed his fly was open. When leaving the room, she said, "Mr. Johnson, your barracks door is open."

He did not understand her remark, but later on he happened to look down and saw that his zipper was open. He decided to have some fun with his secretary.

Calling her in, he asked, "By the way Miss Jones, when you saw my barracks door was open this morning, did you also notice a soldier standing at attention?"

The secretary, who was quite witty replied, "Why no sir, all I saw was a little disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

-- Postman (ringstwice@lw.ays), January 23, 2000.