need a laughgreenspun.com : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread
A man goes out and buys the best car available in the US or Europe, a 1997 Turbo Wondermobile. It is the fastest and most expensive car in the world. He takes it out for a spin and, while doing so, stops for a red light. An old man on a moped, both looking about 90 years old, pulls up next to him. The old man looks over the sleek, shiny surface of the car and asks, "What kind of car ya got there, sonny?" The dude replies, "A 1997 Turbo Wondermobile. They cost $500,000!" "That's a lotta money!" says the old man, shocked. "Why does it cost so much?" "Cause this car can do up to 320 miles an hour!" states the cool dude proudly. The old man asks, "Can I take a look inside?" "Sure," replies the owner. So the old man pokes his head in the window and looks around. Leaning back on his moped, the old man says, "That's a pretty nice car, alright!" Just then the light changes, so the guy decides to show the old man what his car can do. He floors it, and within 15 seconds the speedometer reads 320. Suddenly, the guy notices a dot in his rear view mirror. It seems to be getting closer!
Whhhoooooooooossssshhhhhh! Something whips by him! Going maybe 3 times as fast!
The guy pulls over to the side of the road, totally confused, and wonders what on earth could be going faster than his Turbo Wondermobile!
Then, up ahead of him, he sees a dot coming towards him like a bat out of hell!
Whooooooooooosh! It goes by again and it sort of looks like the old man on the moped!
'That couldn't be', the guy thinks. How could a moped outrun a Turbo Wondermobile? Again, he sees a dot coming towards him in his rear view mirror!
WhooooooooshhhhhhhhKa-BlaMMMMM! It plows into the back of his car, demolishing the rear end.
The guy jumps out, and be darned if it isn't the old man! Of course, the moped is smashed all over the place and the old man is hurtin' for certain. The guy runs up to the old man and asks "You're hurt bad! Is there anything I can do for you?"
The old man replies "Yeah - unhook my suspenders from your side-view mirror..."
-- deckman@topodehill (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 08, 2000
ROTFL...great one deckman!
-- TM (email@example.com), January 08, 2000.
A white and a black man were sent to hell for sinful lives. When they got there, they stood in front of the devil and awaited punishment.
The white man came forward first. The devil told him to drop his pants and he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his penis and it slowly and painfully melted away.
With the white man laying on the ground in pain, the black man stepped forward. The devil told him to drop his pants and with a smirk on his face he did. Then the devil grabbed hold of his penis and nothing happened.
The bewildered devil asked the man what was so funny and the black man replied, "This kind of chocolate melts in your mouth not in your hand.
And for the blondes:
She's sooooo blonde...
...she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
...she thought a quarterback was a refund.
...she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
...she thought Boys II Men was a day-care center.
...she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
...she thought General Motors was in the Army.
...she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
...she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday
...under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked on Phonics".
...she tried to drown a fish.
...she tripped over a cordless phone.
...she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate".
...she got stabbed in a shoot-out.
...she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "DON'T WALK".
...they had to burn the school down to get her out of the third grade.
...at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put "Sagittarius."
...she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
...it takes her two hours to watch "60 Minutes".
...she studied for a blood test - and failed.
...she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train".
...she sold the car for gas money.
...when she saw the movie rating "NC-17: under 17 not admitted", she went home and got 16 friends.
...when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
...she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
...when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice.
...when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airportleft", she turned around and went home.
...she got locked in a grocery store and starved to death.
Here's a heartwarming story. Someone, who teaches at a Middle School in Safety Harbor, Florida forwarded the following letter. The letter was sent to the principal's office after the school had sponsored a luncheon for the elderly. This story is a credit to all human kind.
Dear Safety Harbor Middle School:
God blesses you for the beautiful radio I won at your recent senior luncheon. I am 84 years old and live at the Safety Harbor Assisted Home for the Aged. All of my family has passed away. It's nice to know that someone really thinks of me. God blesses you for your kindness to an old forgotten lady. My roommate is 95 and always had her own radio, but would never let me listen to it, even when she was napping. The other day her radio fell off the nightstand and broke into a lot of pieces. It was awful and she was in tears. She asked if she could listen to mine, and I said fuck you.
Phrases you wish you could say at work
1. Ahhh...I see the 'fuck-up fairy' has visited us again... 2. I don't know what your problem is, but I'll bet it's hard to pronounce. 3. How about never? Is never good for you? 4. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public. 5. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me. 6. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter. 7. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message... 8. I don't work here. I'm a consultant. 9. It sounds like English, but I can't understand a word you're saying. 10. I can see your point, but I still think you're full of shit. 11. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid. 12. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers. 13. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't give a damn. 14. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth. 15. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you. 16. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view. 17. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist. 18. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!? 19. I'm not being rude. You're just insignificant. 20. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off. 21. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties arelargely ceremonial. 22. No, my powers can only be used for good. 23. You sound reasonable... Time to up the medication. 24. Who me? I just wander from room to room.
How can you tell the Irish guy is in the Hospital? He's the one blowing the foam off of his Bedpan.
Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a black baby? They named him Sum Ting Wong
What do you call an Amish guy with his hand up a horses ass? A Mechanic.
What would you call it when an Italian has one arm shorter than the other? A speech impediment.
Definition of a nice Greek Boy: A boy who takes a girl out twice before screwing her brother.
What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at half mast? They're hiring.
What do toilets, a clitoris, and an anniversary have in common? Men miss them all.
Why aren't there any Puerto Ricans on Star Trek? Because they're not going to work in the future either.
Did you hear about the dyslexic Rabbi? He walks around saying, "Yo"
Where does an Irish family go on vacation? A different bar.
How many cops does it take to push a black man down the stairs? None- He fell.
What do you call an Alabama farmer with a sheep under each arm? A pimp.
What do Monica Lewinsky and a Coke machine have in common? They both have a slot that says "Insert Bill Here."
What do you get if you cross Kaczinski with Lewinsky? A dynamite blow-job.
Why do drivers education classes in Redneck schools use the car only on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays? Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.
What's the difference between a southern zoo and a northern zoo? A southern zoo has a description of the animal on the front of the cage, along with a recipe.
What do Eskimos get from sitting on the ice too long? Polaroids.
How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say fuck? Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!
What's the Cuban national anthem? "Row, Row, Row Your Boat"
A woman goes to the doctor's office and says to him. "Doctor, I've got a strange problem I need your opinion on." "Could you describe the symptoms to me ?" the doctor asks. "Well, it's easier if I show you." she said and, standing up, proceeds to undress. When she was down to her underwear she sat on the edge of the examining table and spread her legs to reveal two small green circles on her inner thighs. "They don't hurt or anything, but I was a little worried about them. 'The doctor peered closely at the two circles and said, "Are you a lesbian,by any chance ?" he asked. Embarrassed and slightly non-plussed at this question coming from a man with his head between her thighs, she replied "Well, yes, I am actually. Why do you ask?" "Well, the doctor says, I'm afraid you'll have to tell your girlfriend that her earrings aren't real gold.
-- Postman (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 08, 2000.
Only in America..can a pizza get to your house faster than an ambulance.
Only in America...are there handicap parking places in front of a skating rink...
Only in America...do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front.
Only in America...do people order double cheese burgers, large fries, and a diet coke.
Only in America...do banks leave both doors open and then chain the pens to the counters.
Only in America...do we leave cars worth thousands of dollars in the driveway and put our useless junk in the garage.
Only in America..do we use answering machines to screen calls and then have call waiting so we won't miss a call from someone we didn't want to talk to in the first place.
Only in America...do we buy hot dogs in packages of ten and buns in packages of eight.
Only in America...do we use the word "politics" to describe the process so well: "Poli" in Latin meaning "many" and "tics" meaning "bloodsucking creatures."
Only in America...do they have drive-up ATM machines with Braille lettering.
Only in America...can a homeless combat veteran live in a cardboard box and a draft dodger live in the White House.
-- deckman@topodehill (email@example.com), January 08, 2000.
Late one night, a burglar broke into a house he thought was empty. He tiptoed through the living room but suddenly he froze in his tracks when he heard a loud voice say: "Jesus is watching you!"
Silence returned to the house, so the burglar crept forward again. "Jesus is watching you", the voice boomed again.
The burglar stopped dead again. He was frightened. Frantically, he looked all around. In a dark corner, he spotted a bird cage and in the cage was a parrot.
He asked the parrot: "Was that you who said Jesus is watching me?"
"Yes", said the parrot.
The burglar breathed a sigh of relief and asked the parrot: "What's your name?"
"Ditty", said the bird.
"That's a dumb name for a parrot", sneered the burglar. "What idiot named you Ditty?"
The parrot said, "The same idiot who named the rottweiler Jesus."
-- deckman@topodehill (firstname.lastname@example.org), January 08, 2000.
A Frenchman, an Englishman, a Texan and a Mexican were all on a Northwest Airlines flight, when suddenly they heard the Captain say, "We're losing power, 3 of you will have to jump. We're sorry that there are no parachutes, but know you will make the sacrifice with honor."
The Frenchman stands up, walks to the door, proudly yells out "Vive la France" and jumps out the door to his death.
The Endlishman stands up, walks to the door, proudly proclaims "God save the Queen" and jumps out the door to his death.
The Texan stands up, walks to the door, proudly yells out "Remember the Alamo" and throws out the Mexican.
-- Beached Whale (email@example.com), January 08, 2000.