SLASHDOT.ORG: "An open letter to the Y2K Bug"

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0200, 01-01-2000

An open letter to the Y2K Bug:

It's 2am, January 1st, 2000. Most of the parties are over, all the large crowds have dispersed. The fireworks have all gone off and the corks have popped from countless bottles of champagne. It was a fun party, or so I'm told. I wouldn't know. I've been at my computer in the office 'just in case' something goes wrong. I'd like to take this time to thank the now infamous Y2K Bug for not causing any real problems. While I'm at it, I'd like to take this opportunity to thank a few other people that are directly related.

First off, I'd like to thank the media for it's sharp, critical coverage of all things Y2K related. Did we really need a five minute segment on how a town in Michigan solved a small part of their potential problem by installing stop signs at every intersection? Congratulations, you pulled off another successful media event. Perhaps in all of your coverage, you could have found someone that wasn't a prophet of doom. Perhaps someone that makes a career out of computer administration? Give us sustenance, not more endless speculation. Show me what's been done, not what might happen, or someone's worst fears.

Second, I'd like the thank my company and a few members of my management staff. I work for the Computer Industry. We're the greatest company to work for. We can do anything. We're the best and the brightest you've ever seen. We'll do anything for our employees, except treat them like human beings. Thank you to my CTO who said "Work New Year's Eve or don't bother coming in the next day." Thanks to our HR Director who said "Don't worry about all the parties you'll be missing, we're going to have a finely catered party for everyone that has to work." Cold ham and swedish meatballs do not a banquet make. Thanks to my CEO who used the overhead speakers to call everyone down to the main lobby to watch the ball drop on TV, especially with our managers hovering over the engineers, who were at their desks, wait, hoping and praying that they've done their jobs well enough so that nothing breaks. Great party, sorry I missed it. Oh, and by the way, thanks for stopping by when it was all over to thank me personally.

Thank you for inviting my spouse and kids to the office to join us for the celebration. They really enjoyed being shut off from me during the party. They wanted me to tell you how special it made them feel and that they think you're very considerate. They spoke highly of the food, though my children wanted to know why all the people in suits were partying and I wasn't. Care to explain that to them?

Thank you to the marketing geniuses that have attached Y2K to everything. Extra special thanks to the genius that copyrighted '01-01-00.' I do so appreciate that you can prey on the hopes and fears of the world to sell a car, candy, fast food, games, ad nausuem. Did we really need a commercial showing a countdown celebration in NYC, with the lights going out as the countdown reached zero in order to sell a car? 'But it's the millennial edition!' I guess that means you're allowed to prey on that fear. Care to explain that to my young children? I get to answer all those questions everyday from family, friends, and customers. Thank you for giving me the job of cleaning up the fears that you created.

Thank you to our dear friends in Hollywood who brought us the Y2K movie of the week/miniseries that caused my phone to ring off the hook for hours after their playing. Do we really need movies that depict worse case scenarios? A nuclear reactor saved from the bring of destruction, people trapped because of computer failures, chaos, anarchy, all on film, pumped into my television. Artistic License revoked. Just because you can, doesn't mean you should. You seem to have forgotten the lesson learned when War of the Worlds first aired. Thank you too for feeding the frenzy. We really needed that.

I would like to give a heartfelt thank you to:

The medical personnel that made themselves available just in case. The extra police officers and other emergency crews that were on duty to keep us all a bit safer tonight. The janitorial staff that has to clean up all the mess that was created. My fellow engineers and technicians that were also working tonight in the other offices of The Computer Industry for checking in to make sure we were all ok, and giving us updates from the other 'branch offices.' The Djs that were onair pumping music to us, helping to keep us going. My spouse, friends and family for understanding that as much as I wanted to. I couldn't be with all of them. I told them I would make it up to them, but really, how can I possibly make up one of the most historic moments in our lifetime?

Fifty years from now, my grandchildren are going to ask me what I was doing on the eve of 2000. With a tear in my eye, I'll truthfully tell them that I was working to make sure that nothing bad happened. To quote a coworker here at The Computer Industry:

"I wasn't here to see man land on the moon, or JFK's assassination. I don't really remember Nixon's resignation or the hostage crisis. This is undoubtedly the most important and memorable moment of our lifetime, and I'm trapped at my desk. It's just not worth it."

Thank you Y2K Bug. We appreciate all you've done. Rather, we appreciate all you haven't done, and for what it's worth, this letter was written with a fully Y2K compliant Pen and Piece of Paper.

Sincerely,

Joe Computer

The Computer Industry

ps. One more slightly paraphrased quote: "I'm sick of working here at The Computer Industry. I'm moving to Iowa to raise corn." If you need me, I'll be in Iowa.

Update: 01.07.2000: Thank you to my coworker that saw this on /. and forwarded it around to everyone in our operations division not knowing that I wrote it. It was all I could do to keep from telling you I wrote it. I really enjoyed listening to you all quote pieces of it. The best part was when you said you were moving to Iowa. Thank you.

[ENDS]

-- John Whitley (jwhitley@inforamp.net), January 07, 2000


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