How do you feel about the Kelsos?

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Should they be prosecuted? Did the hospital act too quickly in calling the police?

More general lines: should society step in to help the parents of severely disabled children, or are the parents on their own?

-- Anonymous, January 07, 2000

Answers

I think the hospital did the right thing. The Salon article outlined the problems faced by such parents better than I could.

I think parents should have the option of institutionalizing such children. I'd be glad to pay a little more in taxes to pay for this.

-- Anonymous, January 07, 2000


Honestly?

I feel extremely contemptuous of the Kelsoes....not because I don't feel for their situation, I do---but I've been there. It's not that bad. It sounds horrible to you all, because if you list it all at once, you would say, "How can people live like that?" In practice, especially with two people to care for the one child (and, quite frankly, the financial means to hire extra help if need be) it's not that bad.

For those of you who don't know, I raised two autistic children, totally nonverbal, as well as a regular son. Oftentimes the regular son would be more trouble than the other two.

I feel much more sympathy for the writer of the article, who has to cope with such conditions alone, without a helpmate. SHE deserves a lot more help than the Kelsoes do. Minus the toilet habits---we DID manage to toilet train the autistic ones, although trying to toilet train a kid who CAN'T TELL YOU WHEN THEY NEED TO GO TO THE BATHROOM-- is shall we say, an "interesting" experience, not for the squeamish--- I've gone through it all---the fear that one of the kids will escape when we're doing something else.

Maybe the Kelso story hit me at the wrong time---again, for those who don't know, my eldest son, one of the autistic ones, died a few days after Thanksgiving, of a bloodclot in the lungs--but I can't work anyup any sympathy for them. Prosecuted? Probably not, but I think a social worker visiting every so often is a good idea, and free counselling.

I'm rather confused about whether society should "step in". In Tennessee, at least, there has ALWAYS been that option--you can resign custody of the child to the State, say it's too much for you. Several children in Jamie and Eric's classes are like that. I can unequivocably that it is WORSE for the child, that such state-run institutions are just a step above madhouses.

I can't work up any sympathy, because I've BEEN through it to a certain extent---and it's not for the squeamish, but it's not for the heroic, either. You can manage.

You would be amazed at what you can do, when you have to.

--Al of Nova Notes.



-- Anonymous, January 08, 2000


But what if you don't want to manage? You don't want your whole life and your other kids' lives to be ruled by caring for this child?

I guess I'm selfish, but I don't think that's wrong. People have children because they want to enrich their lives. Some end up with kids with problems and find their lives enriched anyway. Some don't, even if they try hard and even if they manage most of the time.

I don't feel comfortable with the idea that our culture's message to those people is "tough luck. you're stuck with it."

-- Anonymous, January 08, 2000


Good points, Lizzie...but it scares me MORE to think the message of society is, "Oh, yeah, you're having kids as long as you enjoy it...otherwise, drop 'em like a hot potato."

There are cases where turning custody of children to the state is a good idea....you CAN be terrorized by your own kid, and even the best parents can raise a kid who goes waaay bad. I've seen it happen, though not to mine.

Yet the couple who did it always regretted the decision, and their uncontrollable child is now in prison, an uncontrollable adult.

Anyway...no, it's not selfish to want to stop being a caretaker all the time. Yet I do think---if you bring a life into the world---you are somewhat responsible for that life, especially before they are adults---and need to stick with that child, the good AND the bad.

After all, if you aren't responsible for the life which you helped bring into the world---who is?????--Al of Nova Notes.



-- Anonymous, January 08, 2000


I think Kelso is an idiot, but he's pretty funny, especially that time Jackie made him wear make-up! Did you see that one? And during the pot-smoking scenes he's always got something hilarious to say.

Oh...we're not talking about Ashton Kutcher, who plays Michael Kelso on "That '70s Show," are we?

Never mind, then.

Though I suppose his parents must not be too good to raise a guy that dense.

- Harold wonderland 2 http://home.midsouth.rr.com/wonderland2/

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000



I'm torn on the issue, like most of life there are no black and white answers here.

My brother (who is now in his 40's) has been disabled all of his life. He has been in diapers all this time and has never walked or talked on his own. My parents and my grandmother tried to raise him themselves at home, but with two other healthy children, my father's career and no outside help they couldn't do it.

My brother spent a good deal of his childhood and adolescence in a state hospital. The place was a horror show, I still have nightmares about the things I saw when we visited on weekends. It was the '60's, and there just weren't many options at the time. They both stayed very involved in my brother's life forming a parent's support group for the other parents of the kids in my brother's ward, but most parents never came.

I can completely understand the Kelso's frustration. My parents loved my brother and it was a painful situation. The good news for us was that eventually my mother found a private residential care facility for my brother where he receives much better care, but he never laughs like he did when he was a child and is now completely withdrawn. We have no way of knowing what actually happened to him all those years in that ward.

It's easy for people who don't know what it's like to be a 24 hour caregiver to make judgements about what other people should or shouldn't do. Each situation is unique.

I do believe we are responsible as human beings to support families like the Kelsos, and I mean support in the fullest sense of the word, not just throwing money at the problem. There are more options today, but when something like this happens it makes it obvious we need to start paying more attention as a community. Blaming and judging solves nothing.

My .02

-- Anonymous, January 10, 2000


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