Infamous "Squirrel King" Missing! Presumed Dead!
UPI 6 January 1999

In a late breaking report obtained by this reporter, The wanted suspected terrorist, "The Squirrel King" is currently listed as 'missing and presumed dead' by Justice Department officials.

"We believe the the Squirrel King, shortly after his daring escape, was struck and killed by a hit and run driver." Stated the report. Further commentary speculated on the driver of the hit and run vehicle. Among the suspects was a former associate of the Squirrel King, The Squirrel Hunter. Squirrel Hunter, at the time of publication, was unavailable for comment.

With the passing of Y2K, and the possible passing of the Squirrel King, Federal Officials have released a jubilant declaration of victory over the suspected "Rodent Revolution."

"Never again with this country be threatened by such an Onerous creature! No longer will our utilities and way of Life be endangered! With the Death of the Squirrel King, we declare victory over oppresion, and over the supposed "Rodent Revolution!"

In an unrelated incident, the FAA reported that a minor computer glitch was responsible for the downing of the entire East Coast Radar Tracking System, and not a squirrel attacking a power transformer, as originally reported.

-- The (Deceased) Squirrel King (NowPlanted@aSmallPlotinthe.Ground), January 06, 2000

Answers

His Highness? Road Kill?

Oh, the humanity!

-- eubie (eubie@sayitain'tso.com), January 06, 2000.

Maybe. But until I see some Independant Verification (tm), I intend to continue keeping my nuts under lock and key.

-- I'm Here, I'm There (I'm Everywhere@so.beware), January 06, 2000.

Heeheeheheheheheh, Rodent Buddy, we foiled them again! That was a dummy decoy speeding off ... most TB2Kers know that *our* escape involved an unprecedented, daring midnight rocket on mylar balloons. Dropped 'em boom when we were done, bbwwwaahahahahahaha!

-- toasting the good life (bushy tails@cascadia.batcave), January 06, 2000.

IF he is in fact Dead, how comes my neighbor has just put a call into ATT to fix her phone lines??????? He IS NOT DEAD,,,,simply MIA....

-- consumer (shh@aol.com), January 06, 2000.

Dang, I wanted that critter's hide fer me cap! Bet it's no good now... :-(

(I wonder how they id'd him, he musta been spread over at least 15'....)

-- Deb M. (vmcclell@columbus.rr.com), January 06, 2000.

Could be hangin' low, waiting for total complacency...or he might have knawed on one too many electrical cables.

Got one of his minions stuck in my chimney flume last week...lots of commotion when we fired up the wood stove ;-)

-- Tim (pixmo@pixelquest.com), January 06, 2000.

Brothers and Sisters:

It is with a heavy heart that we gather here today, to bid our dear friend, companion, leader, educator, reformer, pet, and all around nice guy, farewell.

From dust we have come and from dust we shall return. Remember Brothers and Sisters, Squirrel King is in a better place. DO NOT weep for him, weep for yourselves, as yet, we are still apart of this evil world, and he, our dear friend, Squirrel King is dead only in body, but his spirit lives on. So REJOICE! Because in YOU his memory lives on, carry the torch, lift it high, let it be known from this day and from now on, Long Live the Squirrel King!

Let us have a moment of silence.

+PEACE+

-- Father of the Faith (I'm not@homehere.anyways), January 06, 2000.

eubie,

Wouldn't that be the rodentity?

-- Don (whytocay@hotmail.com), January 06, 2000.

Burp!

Great recipes in that Road Kill Cookbook. < vbg >

-- John (jh@NotReal.ca), January 06, 2000.

I JUST KNEW there was SOME reason I felt the urge yesterday to memorialize him! Vibes! Oooooh, very scary.

Paying Tribute to the "King"

:)

-- FM (vidprof@aol.com), January 06, 2000.

THe power company will have to change the Q-cards in customer service from "A squirrel must have fried himself" to "Too many people picked up there electric toothbrushes at the same time."

-- snooze button (alarmclock_2000@yahoo.com), January 06, 2000.

methinks he's just taking a cue from my nom de guerre, and is ...

-- hiding in plain (sight@edge of.nowhere), January 06, 2000.

Oh, you've made my day, folks, with these chuckles! Squirrel King, I love you...and all you other "nuts" on this forum!

-- Elaine Seavey (Gods1sheep@aol.com), January 06, 2000.

IT worked....they believe he's gone. Second wave of flying squirrels, reporting for duty....Sir!

-- rmoose (hybrmoose@ctel.net), January 06, 2000.

Greetings my fine furry friends .... hee hee hee hee

For weeks now, we of the SFRL have been gathering 'fine, wholesome' nutz for all of you! (yeah, that's what they are - NUTZ!... hee hee hee hee)

Pay no attention to the fact that they have a faint aroma reminiscent of vile after-Christmas discounted price store-bought fruitcake and cheap artificial nut flavorings bought in the local dollar store ... No sirs and ma'ams, they are genuine NUTZ. Freshly made in very own factories .... ehhh .... grown on our very own nut trees ... yeah! hee hee hee hee

We offer them to you as a peace offering ... they are spread throughout this great land ...

Gather all you like .... there are plenty to go around .... they will last you for the rest of your lifetime! hee hee hee hee

Long live the SFRL and, their much esteemed cousins, the FRL !!!!

-- hiding in plain (sight viv@la.counterrevolucion), January 06, 2000.

%_________****** ... <-- Squirrel King squashed by truck tire

-- dinosaur (dinosaur@williams-net.com), January 06, 2000.

Ohhh furry one - enjoy your NUTZ! hee hee hee hee

-- hiding in plain (sight@edge of.nowhere), January 07, 2000.