Headline News!

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------------------------------------------------------------------------ HEADLINE NEWS: 01/03/2000

The Social Security Administration announced today those long-held fears of financial collapse by the year 2030 are completely unfounded. "Due to the failure of all our computers with the Millenium Rollover, we will not be disbursing any more funds and therefore will never run out of money."

The IRS simultaneously announced a new taxpayer relief initiative stating that "they would no longer be collecting any money."

Congress declared its responsibility for these recent developments. Debate still rages on the House floor as to what Congress is taking credit for. The Senate bills it as an "elegant solution" to the balanced budget problem.

The Executive Branch is in remedial math class trying to add 1 to 99. Some debate surrounds the questions as many purport that the question is 00 minus 99.

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WHY COKE WILL SURGE AFTER THE MILLENNIUM

Starting shortly after Jan. 1, 2000, the Coca-Cola Company enjoyed an unexpected surge in demand for its flagship product. Seems that the company's embedded process control system clocks rolled back to 1900, causing the original cocaine-laced formula for Coca-Cola to be reinstated.

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EXPERTS WARN OF THREAT FROM 100GB BUG

Firebringer News Service (FBNS) - Experts warned today of a new and deadly threat to our beleaguered civilization: the 100GB Bug.

As most people know, McDonald's restaurant signs show the number of hamburgers the giant chain has sold. That number now stands at 99 billion burgers, or 99 Gigaburgers (GB). Within months or even weeks, that number will roll over to 100GB.

McDonald's signs, however, were designed years ago, when the prospect of selling one hundred billion hamburgers seemed unthinkably remote. So the signs have only two decimal places.

This means that, after the sale of the 100 billionth burger, McDonald's signs will read "00 Billion Burgers Sold", causing the misconception that McDonald's has made no sales in over 30 years of operation. This, experts predict, will cause a complete collapse of consumer confidence in McDonald's products.

The ensuing catastrophic drop in sales is seen as almost certain to force the already-troubled company into bankruptcy. This, in turn, will push the teetering American economy over the brink, which, finally, will complete the total devastation of the global economy, ending civilization as we know it, and forcing us all to live on beetles.

"The people who know -- the sign-makers -- are really scared of 100GB," one expert said. "I don't know about you, but I'm digging up a copy of THE FIELD GUIDE TO NORTH AMERICAN INSECTS and heading for the hills."

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Windows 2000 Release (G)

Microsoft announced today that the official release date for the new operating system "Windows 2000" will be delayed until the second quarter of 1901.

********************************* I am not a Polly. I just wanted to send everone a chuckle! :-)

-- me (doomer2@laugh.com), January 03, 2000

Answers

LOL, need to read with John Clease's voice overlayed!

-- Hokie (Hokie_@hotmail.com), January 03, 2000.

"The IRS simultaneously announced a new taxpayer relief initiative stating that "they would no longer be collecting any money."

I'm still anxiously awaiting for my annual IRS greeting which normally comes in mid-December. What if . . . what if . . .

-- (Whatnext@ifIcan'tpay.com), January 03, 2000.


Come to think of it...where are the tax notices?

-- Mark Hillyard (foster@inreach.com), January 03, 2000.

Darn good point, where, indeed are they? If my memory serves me (not always the case), I think I always had them by now.

-- Michael (michaelteever@buffalo.com), January 03, 2000.

You are in error, citizens. All is as it was before. Do not question the IRS. Resistance is futile, you will be assessed. ;)

-- Servant (public_service@yahoo.com), January 05, 2000.


Sorry to burst everyone's bubbles, but my 1040 showed up a couple of days ago. So, the IRS outgoing mail system seems to hae made it. Now we'll have to hope the refund system is in as good shape.

Jes' Thinkin'...

-- Little Pig (littlepig@brickhouse.com), January 05, 2000.


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