emotional and mental abuse by womengreenspun.com : LUSENET : Domestic Violence Accounts : One Thread
How can I get help, I have been accused of abuse after a minor disagreement. How can I get help after years of constant emptional and mental abuse by my wife.. HELP!!!!
-- Anonymous, December 27, 1999
This happened to me as well. The most important thing is to keep your cool. Many "professionals" that you will be dealing with, including police, counsellors, judges, even your own lawyer, will probably assume that you are abusive and any natural display of anger will confirm it for them. Save your emotions for trusted relatives who you may have confided in throughout the years. They will understand. Compile a list of any professionals that you may have seen over the years about her abuse. You may need them as witnesses. I will contact you by email. Hang in there. Ron
-- Anonymous, January 04, 2000
This is a tricky situation for you. Above all else, keep your cool. One minor outburst from you in response to years of mental abuse and you will automatically be labeled "the bad guy" despite what your wife has done to you. Tell your family and friends what is going on and try to document situations as they unfold. Do not retaliate with force, no matter how much you are driven over the edge. If she threatens you in any way with bodily harm, whether by her or some friend of hers, immediately file an emergency protective order. If the judge grants it then that becomes a legally documented piece of evidence that is at least in your favor. This will require a certain amount of distance that has to be kept between you and your wife. The judge will then require both of you to seek counseling in order for the emergency protective order to be revoked. If one or both of you do not abide by this....then the order is reinstated by the law for one year. In any case, the situation will be resolved one of two ways:temporarily for one year, or you and your wife just might get the help you guys need to get back on track to a non-abusive relationship.
-- Anonymous, February 08, 2000
My wife has been verbally, emotionally and even physically abusive (technically speaking) for years. I always endured, telling myself she would mature, and that this was simply a phase that growth would take care of. A month ago, she lunged at me to prevent me from getting keys (after abandoning me 7 miles out of town on foot without jacket, wallet, of keys in the cold) to go home. I reacted and pushed her back not more than two feet, she made an ignorant phone call. I spent three days in jail and am having to work with psychologists to produce evaluations that I can then present to the court through my lawyer, to avoid being forced by the court to participate in a year-long Domestic Violence program (I am charged by the state with Assult and Domestic violence, against my wife's will). I am also at high risk of beeing convicted of a gross midemeanor - although I have an immaculate record without even a speeding ticket. She has tried to get both the charges and no contact order dropped but it is out of her hands. This time has given me an opportunity to re-evaluate my relationship and understand that there is no reason, since we do not have children to remain with this completely erratic, irrational, jeckyl/hyde, abusive, dominating person. As soon as this is over, I intend to leave her, whether by agreement of mutual separation or plain presentation of divorce papers through my lawyer. I do love her but cannot forfeit my happiness any longer - nor should you if you don't have kids. If you want to stick it out, you both need to get individual and joint marriage counselling. The reason that I suggest that you both get individual counselling, is that it is the only way that you will get her to see how she is contributing to the bad works of your relationship. My wife blames it all on my childhood problems, which I resovled years ago. Just remember: No matter what, do not involve the government in your relationship because with DV, it is pretty much a presumed guilty until proven innocent situation for the man, who in 95% of cases gets arrested when a call is made. My wife's abuse got worse with time. Take some time away, alone, somewhere far, to think. What the others have said is correct. Do not admit to any anger, frustration, irritability, lack of patience, personal exhaustion or unusual functionning of any kind to police or cousellors. Your lawyer works for you,but I would also be cautious. I have confided only in my parents and oldest friends, far from any circle that my wife can tap for information. If a no contact order is put in place and later get's lifted, do not see her alone. Consent to have contact only in the presence of a state certified couselor to ensure that she does not go off her rocker. Her making a simple phone call, claiming (lying) that she was afraid of you or that you threatened her, could lock you up for up to a year in some states. The system is insane, and if you think that there is a chance that she is going to involve the government, advise your lawyer (get one if you dan't have one) and leave the state/country immediately. If she does call the police, have your lawyer's number on you. Do not tell the police anything. Have them talk to your lawyer, so the police cannot manipulate you into saying things that lead to justifying your arrest. Although my wife initiated contact and I explained this carefuly, their report describes my pushing her from a stand-still position, although my wife later told my lawyer that she was in motion... Abuse by women is very hard to deal with. They have forgotten that the foundation of love is friendship, and that you cannot do or say things to your husband, that you would not do or say to a friend. Best of luck - Dja
-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000
Hi Pab, When I was engaged to the man that is now my husband, his ex-wife was very abusive-verbally and physically. He is 6'6 and she was 5'8. One afternoon he showed up bleeding from a deep wound just over his eye. They were discussing one of their children. She had a beer mug in her hand-full of beer of course. She took him off guard and hit him in the head with it. I took him to the hospital, where he required stitches. I told them at the hospital that the injury was caused by an attack on him by his soon-to-be ex-wife. The police were notified, but he didn't follow through on filing the report. Another attempted assault was committed in my prescence. He was sitting down and she had a picture frame with their son's picture in it. He was distressed, looking down as she was babbling about something stupid- (as she often did). She lashed out with the picture frame to hit him in the head with it. I blocked the blow and restrained her. My point is- I know this kind of crap happens and the man has a difficult time proving it or getting authorities to take them seriously. Documentation of every incident that can be documented is extremely important. My husband was embarrassed about a 5'8 woman taking him off guard and succeeding at injuring him. That's why he didn't follow through with the domestic violence report. He's a good man and would never hit a woman-no matter what. I've been married to him for almost 7 years and he has never once abused me. He tried to defend himself by blocking a punch she threw at him one time. As a result she broke her thumb while attempting to assault him. She reported that he attacked her and broke her thumb. Guess who they believed? I hope things work out for you and all the rest of you guys here. I know you're in a very difficult situation and you're in my prayers. Take care.
-- Anonymous, February 28, 2000
all you have to do is tell her to stop if not be quiet and say nothing and she will stop i mean just be trhere and do what you have to do and say nothing do not ask her for anything i mean JUST STAT CALM. Thanks ike
-- Anonymous, July 17, 2001
I had the same thing happen to me - I ran away from her a long time ago and got divorced. I couldn't stand her constant degrading and critical comments. It was either I go completely insane or leave her. I still think about it only because I never got a chance to know my son. I should have documented the ex-wife's mental abuse and used this in court to obtain custody of my son. The world is full of abusive people but we don't have to take it, and we can leave.
-- Anonymous, October 14, 2002
Just get some balls and learn how to be in charge..geez what a bunch of pussies.
-- Anonymous, December 17, 2002
Joey if you can't be helpful and relate to the problems of others on a mature level, you do not belong on this site.
-- Anonymous, December 23, 2002
joey, I guess your wife contributes to the Abused Women section.
-- Anonymous, May 03, 2003
my girl friend has battered kick punch and totally messed up me psychologically. This is a result of her past experiences.
only answer make a choice let go and move on good luck I will do the same after today all the best mo
-- Anonymous, May 08, 2003
For every person that speaks out there are many more that stay home and take it. If you don't get help it will drive you insane. Pussydome is reserved for those who cannot act rationally tward a person in need. I have been almost constantly abused in every way save sexual, by my mother. A manipulative monster to the cerebrum! I understand the need to get away. I noticed also that her abuse came from a past of abuse. Scientifically speaking, if you can get her to face what she is hiding by her actions perhaps you may be able to resolve the problem. I hope this is helpfull.
-- Anonymous, May 20, 2003
love,just like thesweetest fruit,is filled with pits.our pits came from depression due to the loss of her mom and a four year addiction to vicodine.lies and deception soon filled our lives and created tremendous annimosity between us.adultery spawned quickly.i was exposed to my first STD from her boss of two months.i reconciled.six months later she was on "the cheaten side of town" again.we have a 9yr old and a 12yr old.both boys were put in my custody and her share of parenting comes to $50.00 aweek in child support.she ruined me finnacialy which i am repairing.she devastated me emotioally aswell as our sons with her decptive way of life.our divorse is not yet official,though she lives with her adulterous lover.these pits are just few of many that plauged our marriage.i turned a blind eye for our children.i now regret triing to remain in arelationship with her in order to help our children.they only suffered painfully when she used them to conseal her adulterous relationship and to conseal our marriage from her lover as well.i am doomed to love this blackhearted soul till my death,but i can no longer stand to look at her nor hear her voice,and for the time being the battle rages forth.my advise is to hold your chin up as high as it has ever been, hug your kids constantlly,and remind yourself daily that you are still standing.life has more to offer we must choose more wisely.gods word says"it matters not where we have been,only where we are going.i am still standing!!!!!! capt. ron
-- Anonymous, July 15, 2003