Disruption hits the Arctic...

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(Reuters) - Dozens of replacement workers were hospitalized today after a violent confrontation with strikers from the International Brotherhood of Elves and Gnomes. The bloody melee marked a new low in the strained relationship between the union and SantaCorp, and is likely to result in the postponing or cancellation of Christmas according to union officials.

The riotous clash began early yesterday when a sleighful of replacement elves arrived at SantaCorp's gigantic Workshop 8 Assembly Plant. The replacement elves were contracted last week by SantaCorp to fulfill burgeoning back orders for toys.

"The global economy has been very good this year, and we saw a 7% decrease in childhood naughtiness," noted SantaCorp spokessnowman Frosty. "Coupled with higher consumer expectations and depleted inventories, the company had no choice but to continue production."

The sight of the replacement elves enraged the striking IBEG workers who were picketing outside the gates of the plant. They were joined by sympathy strikers from the Amalgamated Federation of Sprites and Fairies, Labor Congress of Leprechauns, and the Teamsters.

"You're taking food out of the mouth of my family, you rat bastards!" yelled one of the enraged elves.

"Filthy scabs!" screamed another. "We know where you live!"

As the replacement elves approached the plant gates, the strikers closed ranks around them. What sparked the ensuing violence is in dispute, but it appeared that a lump of coal lobbed from the strikers was the first volley. When the coal lump felled a replacement elf, it seemed to embolden the strikers.

The incensed strikers waded into the crowd of replacement elves, brandishing festive red-and-white candy canes, some of which had been sucked to produce razor-sharp points. Others wielded picket signs reading "Santa Unfair to Elves," "A Living Wage for Workers," and "120 Hour Week."

Using the hooked end of their candy canes, the strikers began tripping the replacement elves. As they lay face down, struggling to arise from the frigid polar snow, some of the strikers began cracking them over the head with the blunt end of their candy canes.

Many of the panicked replacement elves attempted to flee or protect themselves with adorable plush teddybears. Others tried to return fire, hurling ornaments from a nearby fir tree. This, however, seemed only to further provoke the strikers. The Teamsters joined the battle with nightsticks, supported by the swinging shillelaghs of the leprechauns.

By the time Polar Police Bears arrived on their Norelco electric shavers, the scene was a tumult of blood-soaked snow and tiny crumpled bodies. When the police bears began making arrests, the strikers quickly dispersed. Ambulance dogsleds were called in to take the wounded to Arctic Memorial Hospital.

Over 30 elves, leprechauns and Teamsters were taken into custody, where they await arraignment on the Island of Misfit Toys. Among those arrested were Lucky, the beloved cereal leprechaun, and former Teamster President Ron Carey.

Lucky later complained of "police bear brutality," saying polar law enforcement officials were "no better than those fascist kids who are always after me Luck Charms."

The dramatic confrontation was the latest chapter in the deteriorating relations between North Pole-based SantaCorp, the giant multinational toy distribution firm, and its 16,000 elf workers.

For hundreds of years, labor and management at SantaCorp had enjoyed a genial relationship, says Labor Historian Michael Juric of the University of Michigan. "The elves were incredibly loyal, putting in hours that almost any labor organization would balk at, without a contract."

According to Juric, the elves received little in return. "No profit sharing, no health plan, not even the most basic workplace safety guarantees. In fact, they didn't even receive a paycheck. They received - get this - cookies. Now don't get me wrong, Mrs. Claus' cookies are delicious. But just try to turn them into a pension plan."

Given the work conditions at the SantaCorp plant, Juric says "it was inevitable that it was targeted by union organizers."

In fact, AFL/CIO President John Sweeney had targeted SantaCorp unionization as one of the union's top priorities in 1998. On November 17, the Union dispatched a group of leprechauns to the North Pole to call for a unionization vote among SantaCorp workers. At first, the appeal fell on deaf pointy ears.

"We aren't interested in unionizing," said Jeepers, senior plant foreman. "We just want to bring joy to children, like our boss."

However, AFL-CIO President Sweeney was undeterred. While the leprechauns continued to press unionization among plant workers, Sweeney was urging his contacts in the government to investigate and rectify "gross violation of labor laws at SantaCorp."

Sweeney, whose union contributed tens of millions of dollars to candidates during the 1998 election cycle, found an attentive audience in Washington. Within a week, regulators from the Justice Department, Labor Department, Commerce Department, OSHA, NLRB, and BATF descended on the North Poll to conduct a spot investigation of SantaCorp facilities.

Clinton adminstration spokesman Joe Lockhart denied that the inspections had anything to do with the AFL-CIO's campaign contributions. "We believe in the fair enforcement of our nation's labor laws, and we will take all appropriate action to see that they are obeyed. Even outside the United States."

Lockhart added that "essagemay to eenysway - e-way eednay another-ay entytway illionmay."

Meanwhile, union organizers were beginning to make some headway among the plant workers. Many expressed anger at their 168-hour December work week. Others vented their resentment at Santa Claus, whom many suspected was taking undue credit for SantaCorp's dizzying success. Whatever the cause, the plant voted to unionize on December 4.

Two days later, federal inspectors announced they had found hundred of violations of labor laws at SantaCorp. Labor Department spokeswoman Christine Reynolds said that "this is the worst case of labor exploitation I have ever seen. SantaCorp has flaunted minimum wage and hour laws. There is no pension plan in place. Occupational safety here is virtually non-existent. The workers have outdated tools and work in insufficient candlelight. They risk fatigue and frostbite. Some of the floor workers are over 300 years old, well past the federal mandatory retirement age."

She announced a record $190 Billion fine against SantaCorp for rule violations and overdue Social Security and Medicare premiums. SantaCorp remains under investigation by the EEOC for discrimination against brownies.

Buttressed by the findings of federal inspectors, the newly unionized IBEG workers announced an immediate strike. In a dramatic press statement, newly elected adorable elf Winky warned "No justice, no peace, no toys."

The strike and the heavy fine shocked SantaCorp CEO Santa Claus, who was visiting Macy's in New York on a business trip. "Oh deary me, what will the children do? I'm not feeling so jolly," said Claus in a tersely worded statement.

Knowing that the firm was cash-strapped, Claus put together a hasty IPO plan to present to Wall Street venture capital firms. There he found little interest among investors after it was revealed that, despite its huge workforce, SantaCorp had 1998 revenues of only $0.00.

"In terms of street buzz, SantaCorp was up there. Great product, great reputation, excellent distribution channel," says Henry Goldblatt of Avex Securities. "But their financials are a mess. Almost as bad as some of the internet stocks. Plus, who's going to invest in a firm in the middle of a labor dispute?"

Through the month of December, it appeared that management was in denial. Claus continued to take millions of orders, knowing that inventories were dangerously low. "I just have to believe there is a way out of this," said Claus to Forbes magazine last week.

Desperate for workers, Claus last week decided to ship in undocumented workers from the impoverished South Pole. Elf unemployment at the South Pole runs at nearly 100%, and the Antarctic elves jumped at the chance for even seasonal jobs. When word of the worker importation reached IBEG, the union was enraged.

"This is the thanks we get? Replacing us with a bunch of filthy, penguin-eating icebacks?" complained Winky. "That bastard Claus better watch his back."

Winky later denied that the statement was a threat of violence, after Santa Claus was nearly killed in a sleigh bombing on December 19. The incident is still under investigation.

After today's violence, most of the undocumented elves say they will return to the South Pole. "It's just not worth it. I'd rather be alive and poor," said South Pole elf PePe through an interpreter.

IBEG President Winky declared victory, noting that "SantaCorp can't hide behind the scabs now. Christmas is coming, and that scum Claus better come up with the toys, or those kids'll stop believing. It'll be the end of SantaCorp."

SantaCorp officials were unavailable for comment as of yesterday afternoon. They were on a trade mission to scout production facilities at the new East Pole, being built by the People's Republic of China.

-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), December 25, 1999

Answers

LOL, Andy! (Now check your e-mail!)

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), December 25, 1999.

BWAAAAAAH HAAAAAAAA HAAAAAAAAAA!!!

Cooooooool, thanks randy Andy. :-)

-- Hawk (flyin@high.again), December 25, 1999.


HEEHEEHEEHEEHEEHEE....

AH HOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOHOH...

AH HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

<8-)=

-- GoldReal (GoldReal@aol.com), December 25, 1999.


Reminiscent of the "Apocalypse Now"/"Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer" bits on Mad-TV. Only on TV, the blood was real.

Thanks Andy, good humor is always most welcome, even Satanic, er, Santanic, er Kringlic.

Next week at this time I hope to still be laughing.

164 hours...

-- counting down (the@hours.now), December 25, 1999.


Los Angeles Santa Suffers Meltdown

http://dailynews.yahoo.com/h/ap/19991224/us/santa_meltdown_2.html

LOS ANGELES (AP) - A shopping mall Santa Claus had a meltdown after refusing to cuddle a bawling toddler, calling the mother evil and ripping off his beard and costume in front of startled children.

Kelley Fornatoro, 33, said she told the Santa her 19-month-old son, Brian, would stop crying if he put his arm around the child. According to her, he balked and told her, ``I will not imprison your child.''

``When I went to pick up the baby, he said: `Was it worth it? Was it worth it for you to torture your child for a picture? You must be an evil person,''' Ms. Fornatoro said Thursday.

The woman told the Santa she planned to file a complaint. She said he leaped from his throne and said: ``You can complain about me if you want, but I am Santa Claus. I am the best person in the world. I am good.''

Ms. Fornatoro then told the Santa he should not be around children.

``With that, he got really angry,'' she said. ``He started to rip off his clothes. He took off his beard, his wig, his coat, his belt.''

Parents and children waiting in line Wednesday were stunned. Some mothers and fathers covered their children's eyes.

The Santa was led away by security guards and a replacement was brought in immediately. The suburban Westfield Shoppingtown Promenade Mall and Cherry Hill Photo, suppliers of the Santa, wouldn't give the irate Santa's name.

``Although we do provide a person to be the character of Santa Claus, we cannot always be responsible for their behavior,'' said Jonah Sullivan of New Jersey-based Cherry Hill Photo.

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y2k pro anyone?

-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), December 25, 1999.



The only real problem with this story, Santa should have IPO'd under the name Santa.com and made billions, profits no longer necessary for an internet business.

-- consumerism (seey@later.xmas), December 25, 1999.

heeheehoohoo....anyone got a clean pait o' shorts? ROTFLMAOPAOM!!!

-- Billy Boy (Rakkasan101st@Aol.com), December 25, 1999.

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