Update: Squirrel King Freed! F.B.I. Baffled!

(API) In a daring and bold move today, Law Enforcment officials disclosed that the recently apprehended suspected Terrorist, The Squirrel King escaped from his high security compound today, leaving officials mystified and baffled.

Dale L. Watson, Assistant Director of the Counterterrorism Division was quoted as saying "I told them! Keep him in the small cage...but noooo! They listened to his lawyer! 'Cruel and unusual to keep him in a small cage' He said...I told them the bars were too far apart!!! Damn Johnny Cochran!"

According to inside sources who do no wish to be named at this time, The Squirrel King was transferred to a high security Federal Compound, and moved from his 'Catch'em Live' trap to an normal prison cell. At this time, the Squirrel King and suspected terrorist proclaimed loudly, "Death to the Furless Monkey Men!!!" and "Long Live the Rodent Revolution!!!"and hopped out of the cell, through the window, between the bars.

Officials then state that the rodent suspect was last seen climbing into a 4x4 vehicle driven by a female, bearing the licence plate "Cascadia-1" and a window sticker stating "A luvs L!" Authorities are clueless as to the identity of the getaway driver.

Lawyer for the defense, John Cochran had no comment at this time, but delivered a written ultimatum, written by The Squirrel King, to federal authorities, who stated the contents will be released later this week.

-- Squirrel King Diciple (StillNuts@upina.TreeAgain), December 23, 1999

Answers

too cute, u should be a writer....Oh no...the Squirrell King is loose AGAIN....last time the little creep got loose I had to have a service call from ATT cuz he ate up my phone line to the house......Its NOT y2k....its the Squirrel King.

-- consumer (shh@aol.com), December 23, 1999.

Hmm--no postings from A&L recently...

-- Don (whytocay@hotmail.com), December 23, 1999.

Hey, Clinton pardoned the Puerto Rican terrorists. Don't you think he would have pardoned the Squirrel King, too?

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), December 23, 1999.

Don

The sun is shining in this part of the world. A & L are most likely enjoying it as we speak. Rare event in Portland.

Ez

I should be outside too..what is wrong with me?

-- Ez (Sunshine@aol.com), December 23, 1999.

Squirrel brigades raid zoo.

Squirrel beacons stolen

-- Homer Beanfang (Bats@inbellfry.com), December 23, 1999.

This means war!

Thursday, December 23, 1999

Y2K power play

Enmax primed for New Year's

By BILL KAUFMANN, CALGARY SUN Power-tripping squirrels sparking Y2K hysteria is one hazard a small army of Enmax employees will be on guard against on New Year's Eve. Link

(snip)

-- Homer Beanfang (Bats@inbellfry.com), December 23, 1999.

Hmmm,

Sounds like some twisted, underground squirrel worshiping cult is at work here...

-- Deb M. (vmcclell@columbus.rr.com), December 23, 1999.

Damn FEDs kicked my door in and threw me to the floor screaming, "Where is he ???".

Took hours to convince them I had nothing to do with the escape.

Rodent friends, they may be coming to your cage next !

-- hamster (hamster@mycage.com), December 23, 1999.

BTW, is best to put one of those fuzzies on a stick over a fire or should you just boil 'em?

-- Dave (aaa@aaa.com), December 23, 1999.

Thursday, December 23, 1999

Y2K POWER PLAY

Enmax Primed for New Year's

By BILL KAUFMANN, CALGARY SUN Power-tripping squirrels sparking Y2K hysteria is one hazard a small army of Enmax employees will be on guard against on New Year's Eve.

Enmax will mobilize 200 employees on New Year's Eve -- including executives -- as a precaution in the event the computer bug bites the city's electrical system -- an eventuality the company says is extremely remote.

But Enmax spokesman Tony McCallum said power failures caused by other sources, such as bad weather, cars running into power poles or electrocuted squirrels, could provoke hysteria among Y2K-wary Calgarians.

"Because of all the hype around Y2K, a power outage that occurs for another reason might prompt more concern than it normally would," said McCallum.

But as for Y2K, McCallum said Enmax is as ready as they can be following numerous test runs that have given the system a clean bill of health.

"There's no guarantees in anything ... but we've checked everything from six ways to Sunday," he said.

"It'll be business as usual."

All Enmax substations are being staffed, even though the corporation has spent the last two years preparing for Y2K.

In contrast to a year ago, when fears of power brownouts flourished due to a tight electricity supply, McCallum said there's now more juice in the provincial system. "We have hit some record highs in power usage this month, but our ability to deal with it has improved greatly," he said.

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Gawd! Now it's leaking into the media! All hands on deck!!!
THE TIME HAS COME !!!!!!!!!!!

-- Squirrel Brigade (power@trippers.intree), December 23, 1999.

To Whom It May Concern:

Please inform the proper authorities in Calgary that the exalted one, the Squirrel King, needs the aforementioned missing squirrel decorations for our Millennium 2000 bash at the Cozy Cousins' Bunker on the night of December 31, l999. They will be returned sometime after the first of the year. However, they won't be needed in the future after January 1, 2000 as there will be no electrial power available. Thus, they will have become just another part of pre-millennium 2000 memorabilia (like the clapper, lava lights, etc.).

-- Lurkess (Lurkess@Lurking.Net), December 23, 1999.

Prayz Gawd! Ahr prahers R ansired!

Kuk

-- Y2Kook (y2kook@usa.net), December 23, 1999.

You folks kill me, I love you all!!!! Thank you, from the bottom of my heart, for the humor and enjoyment you provide. I'm enjoying just about everything around me that I appreciate now. A little too late to be depressed or frightened, out of my control, but posts like this are priceless. Thanks...

-- Michael (michaelteever@buffalo.com), December 23, 1999.

Yet another reminder that the cute, fuzzy-tailed rodents are soulless minions of evil with black hearts of coal! Be ever vigilant!!

-- Steve (hartsman@ticon.net), December 23, 1999.

News flash: FBI to round up all "algerian squirrels" for questioning. Dog's to search tree's for hidden contraband!

-- More Dinty Moore (dac@ccrtc.com), December 23, 1999.

Watts the equivilent light that you get from a fried squirrel when it chews a 120v wire? A 440 volt wire? A 400,00 volt wire?

I'm considering replacing my incanindecent light bulbs with squirrels, and need to know what size to get from the front yard.... I think my fluouresent light bulbs are probably okay - as long as the ballasts aren't eaten by rodenteria trying to gain weight.

-- Robert A Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), December 23, 1999.

The rodents have a new Weapon at their disposal!

Tossed Tree Cuts Pittsburgh Power

Christmas Tree Strikes Power Line After Man Tosses It Out Window

PITTSBURGH, Posted 2:26 p.m. EST December 26, 1999, AP
-- About 400 homes and businesses in Pittsburgh lost power -- thanks to a man who didn't want to lug his Christmas tree down six stories.

Officials say the man tossed the tree out a window yesterday morning.
It hit a power line, turning out the lights in the warehouse district -- and the city's 9-1-1 center.

The 9-1-1 outage didn't last very long, but it briefly cut off radio contact with police. Telephone service was not affected.
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Beware the slung Christmas Trees raining on lines near you!

Uh, and why did he toss it out the window on Christmas morning? Isn't that a little early?

-- Ashton & Leska in Cascadia (allaha@earthlink.net), December 26, 1999.