What follows is used without permission, wouldn't have a clue who to ask, included the e-mail of who I think is the author, hope he's not upset with me, just needed to share a little levity in these unsettled times. (Typed in from paper archive I found, now I know why I'm not a typist for a living.) Michael

The Year 2000 Humor Page

There once was a COBAL programmer named Mike. After years of being taken for granted and treated as a technological dinosaur by all the relational database modelers, client/server programmers and website developers, Mike was finally getting some respect. After separating from the Air Force, he'd become a private consultant specializing in Year 2000 conversions. He was working short-term assignments for prestige companies, traveling all over the world on different assignments, and making more money that he'd ever dreamed of.

He was working 70 and 80 and even 90 hour weeks, but it was worth it. Soon he could retire.

Several years of this relentless, mind-numbing work had taken its toll on Mike. He had problems sleeping and began having anxiety dreams about the Year 2000. It had reached a point where even the thought of the year 2000 made him nearly violent. He must have suffered some sort of breakdown, because all he think about was how he could avoid the year 2000 and all that came with it.

Mike decided to contact a company that specialized in cryogenics. He made a deal to have himself frozen until March 15th, 2000. This was a very expensive, totally automated process. He was thrilled. The next thing he would know is he'd wake up in the year 2000; after the New Year celebrations and computer debacles; after the leap day. Nothing else to worry about except getting on with life.

He was put into his cryogenic receptacle, the technicians set the revive date, he was given injections to slow his heartbeat to a bare minimum, and that was that.

The next thing that Mike saw was an enormous and very modern room filled with excited people. They were all shouting "I can't believe it!", "It's a miracle", and "He's alive!". There were cameras (unlike any he'd ever seen) and equipment that looked like it came out of a science fiction movie.

A spokesman for the group stepped forward. Mike couldn't contain his enthusiasm. "It is over?" He asked. "Is 2000 already here? Are all the millennial parties and promotions and crises all over and done with?"

The spokesman explained the 2000 had gone, but that there had been a problem with the programming of the timer on Mike's cryogenic receptacle - it hadn't been year 2000 compliant, and it was now March 15th of 2099, not 2000. But the spokesman told Mike that he shouldn't get excited as someone important wanted to speak to him.

Suddenly a wall-sized projection screen displayed the image of the Prime Minister of Earth.

He told Mike not to be upset, that this was a wonderful time to be alive, that there was world peace and no more starvation, that the space program had been reinstated and there were colonies on the moon and on Mars. Technology had advanced to such a degree that evryone had virtual reality interfaces which allowed them to contact anyone else on the planet, or to watch any entertainment, or to hear any music recorded anywhere.

"That sounds terrific," said Mike. "But I'm curious. Why does everybody seem so interested in me?"

"Well," said the Prime Minister, "2100 is just around the corner, and it says in your files that you know COBOL".

Home e-mail: SteinF@iw.edwpub.com Business e-mail: SteinF@afca.safb.af.mil

-- Michael (michaelteever@buffalo.com), December 11, 1999

Answers

Hoppy Birthday to yoooou, Hoppy Birthday to yoooou, Hoppy Birthday, Dear Michael, Hoppy Birthday to yoooou! Might I wish you, many, many more!

-- Older than you (onlyonceayear@com.Bless), December 11, 1999.

You guys kill me :), quit picking on people, I'm enjoying a bit of levity here. Love ya all.

-- Michael (michaelteever@buffalo.com), December 11, 1999.

"notelling" must be a real fun guy. Pus bag. And on somebody's birthday celebration thread, too.


OK, Michael, try this:

Late at night, a woman was riding on a subway, and an inebriated man got on and sat across from here. He stank of booze, he was in a complete stupor. She noticed that he wore a wedding ring.

"If I were your wife, I would poison you!", said the woman. The man came out of his stupor, and looked at her carefully. "If I were your husband, I would want to be poisoned.", he said.

-- King of Spain (madrid@aol.cum), December 11, 1999.

Happy birthday, Michael! Here's hoping for a calm, peaceful New Year! :-)

-- Deb M. (vmcclell@columbus.rr.com), December 11, 1999.

Happy Birthday Michael!

And may you wake up when it's over... sooner!

Diane

(BTW... just ignore Y2K Pro's trolling under diff names).

-- Diane J. Squire (sacredspaces@yahoo.com), December 11, 1999.

Can we please interject that one posting has beem eliminated because it was not in the best of taste? I hope you will allow this to post because I, myself, have been confused by some of the past dis-jointed posts, never realizing until now, that people continued to respond to a post which I had never seen (because it was removed). I saw that post disappear, and that is fine with me, I am not a moderator. But can we please kinda give the folks a clue? Thank you.

-- Here One Minute, Gone... (Pleaseexplain@others.com), December 11, 1999.

Happy Birthday, Mike!

-- Dian (bdp@accessunited.com), December 11, 1999.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MIKE!

I'm just around the corner from 30... (taking it philosphically)

-- (Kurt.Borzel@gems8.gov.bc.ca), December 11, 1999.

An elderly couple were celebrating their 50th wedding anniversary, so they decided to return to the little town where they first met. They sat in a small coffee shop in the town and were telling the waitress about their love for each other and how they met at this same spot. Sitting next to them was the local cop and he smiled as the old couple spoke. After the waitress left the table, the old man said to his wife," Remember the first time we made love, it was up in that field across the road, when I put you against the fence. Why don't we do it again for old times sake?" The wife giggled like crazy and said, "Sure, why not." So off they went out the door and across to the field. The cop smiled to himself, thinking how romantic this was and decided he better keep an eye on the couple so they didn't run into any harm. The old couple walked to the field and as they approached the fence they began to undress. The old man picked up his wife when they were naked and leaned her against the fence. The cop was watching from the bushes and was surprised at what he saw. With the vitality of youth, the wife bounced up and down excitedly, while the husband thrashed around like a wild man, then they both fell to the ground in exhaustion. Eventually, they stood up, shook themselves, and got dressed. As they walked back towards the road, the cop stepped from his hiding spot and said, "That is the most wonderful love making I have ever seen. You must have been a wild couple when you were young." "Not really," said the old man, "when we were young, that fence wasn't electric."

-- hg (happybirthd@y.2u), December 11, 1999.

hg ROTFLMAO, gonna pass that one on! Guess some of our power losses will hurt more than others.

Happy Birthday Michael!!!

-- Hokie (nn@va.com), December 11, 1999.