OT: Great Joke for Engineers

greenspun.com : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread

Sorry about posting OT just after a post to delete OT's -- let's lighten up, life's too short.

The Doctor, Chemist & Engineer

Once upon a time there lived three men: a doctor, a chemist, and an engineer. For some reason all three offended the king and were sentenced to die on the same day. The day of the executive arrived, and the doctor was led up to the guillotine. As he strapped the doctor to the guillotine, the executioner asked, "Head up or head down?" "Head up," said the doctor. "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade--and stopped barely an inch above the doctor's neck. Well, the law stated that if an execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the doctor was set free. Then the chemist was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" said the executioner. "Head up." "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, and z-z-z-z-ing! Down came the blade -- and stopped an inch above the chemist's neck. Well, the law stated that if the execution didn't succeed the first time the prisoner had to be released, so the chemist was set free. Finally the engineer was led up to the guillotine. "Head up or head down?" "Head up." "Blindfold or no blindfold?" "No blindfold." So the executioner raised his axe, but before he could cut the rope, the engineer yelled out: "WAIT! I see what the problem is!".

-- Claurann (Claurann @aol.com), December 02, 1999

Answers

LOL! Good one Claurann.

-- Hokie (nn@nn.com), December 02, 1999.

I deeply resemble that remark

-- Lars (lars@indy.net), December 02, 1999.

Three men were carpooling to work, a mechanical engineer, an electrical engineer, and a computer engineer. The car broke down and the men began arguing over how to fix it. The mechanical engineer said, " It's the transmission, we'll have to install a new one". The elctrical engineer said, "No, it's the alternator, it just needs a new voltage regulator". Then the computer engineer said, " I don't have a clue, so let's all get out of the car and then get back in".

-- Forrest Covington (theforrest@mindspring.com), December 02, 1999.

Q: What is the minimum number of engineers it takes to design anything?

A: Two; one to do it, and one to make him stop!

www.y2ksafeminnesota.com

-- MinnesotaSmith (y2ksafeminnesota@hotmail.com), December 02, 1999.


The engineer in Claurann's story was executed, and in due course arrived at the pearly gates where he was met by St Peter. The Saint checked his list of expected arrivals, but was unable to find the engineers name.

"Sorry" said St Peter, "But you cannot enter heaven, you must descend the stairway to Hell."

The engineer, descendeded the long spiral stairway. Down and down he went untill he finally arrived in hell. He saw the fiery pits of molten brimstone, and felt the extreme heat.

He was disgusted with the conditions down in hell, so the first thing he did was to use the fiery pits as a furnace and fashion a basic extrusion rig to make water pipes. Within a short time he had designed and built a running water system, hot or cold water at the turn of a tap. Hot or cold showers on demand.

He used the heat from the fiery pits as a boiler and soon had a working steam turbine. Electricity was soon available, and hell was provided with electric light. The darkest corners of Hell were soon as bright as Las Vagas. Air conditioning was next on the agenda, so the souls down in hell could have full temperature and humidy control. The improved climate control meant that parts of hell were soon suitable for growing grass and trees, and even an international standard 18 hole golf course was soon prepared.

But it was when the long spiral staircase was replaced with a high speed elevator that God started to take notice. God called Satan for a top level meeting and asked about all of this new technology. Satan replied that ever since there had been an engineer in hell that things had never looked back. God laughed and said "No, there is no way that an engineer could ever have been directed to Hell, there must be some mistake."

Satan agreed "Yes, there must have been some mistake, and Hell is really benefitting from it."

Well God asked Satan to return the engineer back to heaven where he really belonged, but satan refused. After all it was St Peter who sent the engineer to hell, so why should hell be penalised because one of God's workers made a mistake?

God started to get angry and raised his voice "If you don't return the engineer to heaven immediately then we will sue you."

At this point Satan burst out laughing. He laughed so much he fell off his seat. He laughed so much he rolled on the floor. But as he finally started to gain control of himself, still chuckling away in a quiet voice he asked God "You'll sue us? And where will you find a Lawyer?"

Malcolm

-- Malcolm Taylor (taylorm@es.co.nz), December 03, 1999.



WARNING - OFF COLOR JOKE - WARNING

Three men in a bar were having an argument. The first said that a poet musta designed woman, because they all were so gracefull and lyrical. The second so no, it musta been an artist, because they were all so beautifull and lythe. But the third guy claimed that woman was designed by a Civil Engineer.

A Civil Engineer! His friends just hooted. How so?

Well he replied, who else but a dad-gummed Civil Engineer would put a waste-disposal system right through the middle of a prime recreation area?

-- Scarecrow (outstanding@inthe.field), December 03, 1999.


A doctor, an architect, and a software engineer were sitting around discussing which profession was oldest. The doctor spoke up and said "God took a rib from Adam and created Eve so a physician is the oldest profession." The architect rebutted "An architect was the first profession because God created the heavens and the earth out of chaos." The software engineer then spoke up and said "And who do you think created the chaos?"

-- just wondering (what.it.is@about.com), December 03, 1999.

From my brother-in-out-law; aka Veronica's children's' future aunt's husband....

---

Dilbert's Salary Theorum for Engineers and Programmers:

Engineers and Programmers can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This can be established by the following:

1. Knowledge is Power.

2. Time is Money.

From the fundamental physical laws of the universe (Newton, Einstein, et al)

Power = Work/Time.

From the economic laws of productivity (Edison, Ford, Carnegie, et al)

Time = Money.

Therefore,

Knowledge = Work/ Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work/Knowledge

First Corrolary of Dilbert's Salary Theorum for Engineers;

As Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of how much work is actually done.

-----

Second Corrolary of Dilbert's Salary Theorum for Engineers:

As Knowledge approaches zero, Time is no longer proportional to the amount of Work to be done, and Power (for Management) increases as the amount of Time allowed to Engineering is reduced.

----

Conclusion:

Given that management (and sales) know nothing and have absolute power; compared, for example, to engineers, who know everything but have absolutely no power, it is obvious to the most casual observer that management will always be paid more than engineers.

---

"The less you know, the more you make in the less time ..."

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), December 03, 1999.


And then this, from my esteemed father-in-out-or-beside-the-law;

Here is the list all women have been waiting for. No longer will women be able to say "I just don't know what to get him."

A Woman's Guide to Men's Gifts -=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

With Christmas coming, this is surely going to be a big help!

Rule #1: When in doubt - buy him a cordless drill. It does not matter if he already has one. I have a friend who owns 17 and he has yet to complain. As a man, you can never have too many cordless drills. No one knows why.

Rule #2: If you cannot afford a cordless drill, buy him anything with the word ratchet or socket in it. Men love saying those two words. "Hey George, can I borrow your ratchet?" "OK. "By-the-way, are you through with my 3/8-inch socket yet?" Again, no one knows why.

Rule #3: If you are really, really broke, buy him anything for his car. A 99-cent ice scraper, a small bottle of deicer or something to hang from his rear view mirror. Men love gifts for their cars. No one knows why.

Rule #4: Do not buy men socks. Do not buy men ties. And never buy men bathrobes. I was told that if God had wanted men to wear bathrobes, he wouldn't have invented Jockey shorts.

Rule #5: You can buy men new remote controls to replace the ones they have worn out. If you have a lot of money buy your man a big-screen TV with the little picture in the corner. Watch him go wild as he flips, and flips, and flips.

Rule #6: Do not buy a man any of those fancy liqueurs. If you do, it will sit in a cupboard for 23 years. Real men drink whiskey or beer.

Rule #7: Do not buy any man industrial-sized canisters of after shave or deodorant. I'm told they do not stink - they are earthy.

Rule #8: Buy men label makers. Almost as good as cordless drills. Within a couple of weeks there will be labels absolutely everywhere. Socks. Shorts. Cups. Saucers. Door. Lock. Sink. You get the idea. No one knows why.

Rule #9: Never buy a man anything that says "some assembly required" on the box. It will ruin his Special Day and he will always have parts left over.

Rule #10: Good places to shop for men include Northwest Iron Works, Parr Lumber, Home Depot, John Deere, Valley RV Center, and Les Schwab Tire. (NAPA Auto Parts and Sears' Clearance Centers are also excellent men's stores. It doesn't matter if he doesn't know what it is. "From NAPA Auto, eh? Must be something I need. Hey! Isn't this a starter for a '68 Ford Fairlane? Wow! Thanks.")

Rule #11: Men enjoy danger. That's why they never cook - but they will barbecue. Get him a monster barbecue with a 100-pound propane tank. Tell him the gas line leaks. "Oh the thrill! The challenge! Who wants a hamburger?"

Rule #12: Tickets to a Red Wing/Lions/Pistons/Tigers game are a smart gift. However, he will not appreciate tickets to "A Retrospective of 19th Century Quilts." Everyone knows why.

Rule #13: Men love chainsaws. Never, ever, buy a man you love a chainsaw. If you don't know why - please refer to Rule #8 and what happens when he gets a label maker.

Rule #14: It's hard to beat a really good wheelbarrow or an aluminum extension ladder. Never buy a real man a step ladder. It must be an extension ladder. No one knows why.

Rule #15: Rope. Men love rope. It takes us back to our cowboy origins, or at least The Boy Scouts. Nothing says love like a hundred feet of 3/8" manila rope. No one knows why.

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), December 07, 1999.


The key to buying any man the gift he will love is that it must be long, hard and preferably need batteries. Thus sayeth Mrs. Driver, Lurker in Chief, who never misses (or so SHE says).

chuck

(walking away she adds "PS if it makes loud noises and vibrates it gets extra credit")

-- Chuck, a night driver (rienzoo@en.com), December 07, 1999.



Where is this thread going????

What's with this handbasket????

C

-- Chuck, a night driver (rienzoo@en.com), December 07, 1999.


"Comprehending Engineers" - a series of ten takes.

Number Seven is similar to the off-color joke posted above in this thread. A few of the others might have appeared in other threads.

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take One
*****************************

Two engineering students were walking across campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"

The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday minding my own business when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike. She threw the bike to the ground, took off all her clothes, and said, 'Take what you want.'"

The second engineer nodded approvingly, "Good choice; the clothes probably wouldn't have fit."

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Two
*****************************

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

*******************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Three
*******************************

A pastor, a doctor and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with these guys? We must have been waiting for 15 minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such ineptitude! "The pastor said, "Hey, here comes the greenskeeper. Let's have a word with him."

[Dramatic pause] "Hi George. Say, what's with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?"

The greenskeeper replied, "Oh, yes, that's a group of blind firefighters. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime."

The group was silent for a moment.

The pastor said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."

The doctor said, "Good idea. And I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist buddy and see if there's anything he can do for them.

The engineer said, "Why can't these guys play at night?"

*******************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Four
*******************************

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for over 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multimillion-dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone else to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past.

The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is".

The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly:

One chalk mark $ 1
Knowing where to put it $49,999

It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Five
*****************************

What is the difference between Mechanical Engineers and Civil Engineers?

Mechanical Engineers build weapons, Civil Engineers build targets.

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Six
*****************************

The graduate with a Science degree asks, "Why does it work?"
The graduate with an Engineering degree asks, "How does it work?"
The graduate with an Accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?"
The graduate with a Liberal Arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that?"

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Seven
*****************************

Three engineering students were gathered together discussing the possible designers of the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last said, "Actually it was a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Eight
*****************************

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."
----- Scott Adams, The Dilbert Principle

*****************************
Comprehending Engineers-Take Nine
*****************************

An architect, an artist, and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with the wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship.

The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there.

The engineer said, "I like both."

"Both?"

Engineer: "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other woman, and you can go to the lab and get some work done."

**************************************
Comprehending Engineers - Take Ten
**************************************

An engineer was crossing a road one day when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess". He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you and do ANYTHING you want." Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess, that I'll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?"

The engineer said, "Look I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that's cool!"

-- David L (bumpkin@dnet.net), December 07, 1999.


Moderation questions? read the FAQ