President,looking solemnly into the camera: "My fellow Americans". "It is with a sense of total dismay and deep regret that I come before you this evening". As your President, I had planned to present a joyous and uplifting talk tonight". "I wanted to speak of the great promise this country of ours held for the new century about to dawn upon us" "In the last few days it has come to the attention of the F.B.I. that our country is in terrible danger". "Now,the F.B.I. has been aware for some time that terrorists from both here and abroad were planning disruptions during the century rollover". "But, to our total amazement, it has been discovered that a vast conspiracy has been at work to cause untold damage and misery to this Nation". "Foreign agents, as well as domestic paramilitary groups, have somehow been able to set up thousands of potentially lethal problems for us at precisely December 31,12:01 am EST". "We have discovered that they intend to do their dark deeds under cover of the disguise of supposed 'y2k' glitches." "As the clock marches across the various time zones, the terrorists will co-ordinate their destruction to appear to be caused by the so called 'Y2k bug'. "We are very fortunate to have intercepted coded messages making us aware of this incredible scheme"..."Unfortunately, we are unable at this late date to prevent most of these terrible actions"."It is believed that they have sabotaged many utilities and businesses, as well as government offices. They have done this by bribeing or threatning many programmers to leave 'time bombs' in the code of hundreds of our water,electric and sewage facilities". "But, it is with some satisfaction that I can say that this great country is not without strong defences and resources". "As Winston Churchill once said:"Victory will be ours!"..."I will not back down from these cowardly acts." "I have set in motion wartime powers that will allow America the un-hampered ability to ferret out these deranged persons and hold them until this can be sorted out." "I know that you are as anxious as I am to extract these misguided tratiors from the general population". "I will bid goodnight to you now and I will be followed by a civil and military panel that will instruct you as to what is expected of you to perform your patriotic duty." "We will survive this and I think we will awaken to a new and better nation that can join the world community to build a better life together." "Good evening."

-- citizen (lost@sea.com), November 29, 1999

Answers

All hail Der ArkanFurher!

Herr Kook

-- Y2Kook (y2kook@usa.net), November 29, 1999.

Wow! He's gonna come right out like that and talk about the Bilderbergers, the CFR, and the Trilateral Commission? Or do you think that he'll just scoop up the American members of the Illuminati first?

Of course, he'd have to place humself under arrest if he had any of those folks in mind...:)

-- John Whitley (jwhitley@inforamp.net), November 29, 1999.

..........Thank you Mr. President. Now we will hear from Mr. John Koskinen. Mr. Koskinen?

Good evening. My name is John Koskinen. I will be brief. It is now time to kiss your A@@ goodbye.

Thank you.

-- the Virginian (1@1.com), November 29, 1999.

Witch hunt the programmers! BBWWAAHHAHAHAHAHAhahahahahhahah

Thanks for the preview, citizen

-- 30 days (get@vodka.now), November 29, 1999.

citizen,

Please don't post when you have been drinking.

-- Screamin' Demon (prepper@justwannahelp.com), November 29, 1999.

"My fellow Americans, you will recall that I told you that there was no chance of major disruptions due to the Century Date Change issue. Well, you may also recall that I got kind of confused over that whole complicated orifice issue with That Woman. It turns out that I kind of got confused again. I can assure you that I had no intent to mislead the country, I was answering the specific question that had been asked, as my legal advisers explained it to me. But it seems that while I was talking about the change from the 20th to the 21st century on 31-Dec-2000, those dang computers went and had a problem a year earlier. The thoughts and prayers of Hilary and myself go out to those unfortunate Americans who do not have a fully stocked nuclear proof bunker of their own."

No? This is the man who still claims that he honestly believed that oral sex didn't count as "sexual intercourse". Gnnn, my head hurts.

-- Colin MacDonald (roborogerborg@yahoo.com), November 30, 1999.

Exactly (my opinion) what the Prez will say. The gov't solved the Y2K problem.

Forecast for January: COLD for DGIs, even COLDER for GIs. It seems that Australia is close to passing a law against having too much, aka, hoarding? In January, maybe even Dec 28, Koski will have a separate speech to another group, announcing "The administration is aware that 'hoarders' have been operating in the U.S. for well over a year. These people have been snatching up inordinate amounts of food stuffs, as well as emergency essentials. We have credible reports from our vast network of informants that many of these people have bought these things NOT because they truly believed there would be any problems with the so-called Y2K Bug (because there isn't, never was any risk, really) but they were misinformed (I'll get to this later) misinformed and saw the potential of making a quick buck in the future.

To make sure, Koski kontinues, these scam artists don't rip off the elderly (who tend to worry and get scared) or the infirm, or the simple-minded who still might think there is a problem, and there is a problem, don't misunderstand, a very real, very bad problem, with, as the most excellent President said, terrorist activities that are mimicking the so-called Y2K problems... anyway, ladies and gentlemen, under the President's emergency powers, we are confiscating all hoarded goods so that the poor, blindsided, innocent victims in America can go to bed with a full tummy, in a warm shelter.

There is another problem, Koski kontinues, that is as insidious as the terrorists who are [will be] laying waste our water, sewer, transportation, and so forth. There is a group of people out there who have gone out of their way to incite others to hoard, who have "whipped the public into a frenzy of fear" [actual quote in local paper]. They have used the internet, they have often held public meetings in their hometowns. These people are dangerous because they have spread lies before and they are spreading lies now, saying all kinds of bad things about the President. This lying and rumor spreading MUST stop, for the good of the American people who are fragile and quick to believe a lie in a time of crisis.

Therefore, our wise President is using his emergency powers to isolate these dangerous elements, so that they can't infect the right minded thinking of the rest of the public.

Thank you. Any questions?

-- johno (jobriy2k@yahoo.com), November 30, 1999.

We believe that Oprah Winfrey is behind much of the disruptions.

-- Mara (MaraWayne@aol.com), November 30, 1999.