I don't usually visit TB2000 on weekends, having lots of time between my tasks in an unusual job, to do that at work. At home I'm working on preparing, etc. However, this long weekend is helping to exacerbate the inner tension I am feeling as the time draws near when we will perhaps no longer be able to prep, and I cannot complete mine due to finances. I find my mid-section tied up in a hard knot, which I attempt to dispel by praying, self-talking, deep breathing (that's harder lately!), and remembering all of God's goodness in the past. However, I find myself awakening in the middle of the night, or very early on these weekend mornings, with that knot in the middle and a sense of frustration and perhaps futility. I look at what I have accomplished, but realize that it could be nothing, if I haven't the one necessary thing to survive whatever lies ahead. I look back on six months of learning-as-you-go what is necessary, where to find it, and not being able to make the usual intelligent plan and budget, but instead constantly having to revise the endless lists I made as I learned, and wish that I'd had hindsight, or had longer in which to prepare. There is no one to whom I can say this, other than on this forum, where someone might understand. The one GI friend I tried to share it with on Thanksgiving said that I was more prepared than anyone in her acquaintance, as if that answered my concerns, and she meant well. But it did not, because I know too much from this and other forums (don't like word fora), and know I am still not properly prepared. Is anyone else out there tied in knots? What are you doing about it? This is more therapeutic than yelling out loud or crying, I guess.

-- Elaine Seavey (Gods1sheep@aol.com), November 27, 1999

Answers

I've tried to encourage others her often, but even the brave get weary or frightened sometimes. Reading this poem in my November calendar I keep by my pc didn't help, but it expresses how I feel about the closing days of 1999 as we face the "winter" of 2000:

"Yet one smile more, departing, distant sun! One mellow smile through the soft, vapoury air, Ere, o'er the frozen earth, the loud winds run, Or snows are sifted o'er the meadows bare. One smile on the brown hills and naked trees, And the dark rocks whose summer wreaths are cast, And the blue Gentian flower, that, in the breeze, Nods lonely, of her beauteous race the last. Yet a few sunny days, in which the bee Shall murmur by the hedge that skim the way, The cricket chirp upon the russet lea, And man delight to linger in the ray. Yet one rich smile, and we will try to bear The piercing winter frost, and winds, and darkened air.

William Cullen Bryant

-- Elaine Seavey (Gods1sheep@aol.com), November 27, 1999.

Elaine, you are one of the strongest people on these two forums and have assisted many by the information you've imparted. It's only natural to experience tension and doubt as the rollover draws nearer--I think it might be unnatural NOT to feel apprehension! Be assured your strength and wisdom will see you through whatever lies in store, from a bump in the road to serious problems. Possibly your anxiety stems from a desire to "get it over with" so you can get ON with life--something we all identify with, I'm sure.

Be comforted by the fact that you have done the best you can with what resources you have available. Nobody can do any more than that. Somehow you will pull through, as you always have.

My very best wishes to you and yours,

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), November 27, 1999.

Everytime you have that knot in the pit of your stomache, thank Heaven once more that it IS there and has been there and that it has come early enough -- at a time when you can still act on your prudent apprehensions about the reasonablely foreseen future. EVERY TIME! Fear is okay. Perfect love casts it out, but none of us are perfect -- so don't get worked up over being worked up.

Finances are a factor at every turn for me, too, and I am nearly tapped out ...... but let that knot of anxiety be your l'il buddy, and listen to it. "Hi, Elaine! It's me again!" Then , when you can't afford an outlay for furthyer preps, take some alternative measure to advance th goal of self-sufficiency: test the preps; try a receipe; test stored fuels or H2O; do a weekend dry run off grid, etc. Read a good book. The prayer of thanksgiving is essential..

And as others have said, it's simply useful to sit back and look at what you have acheived with prepping, instead of seeing only what you might wish to do given worlds enough and time. Remember to let the glass be half-full at least half-the time. Finally, it's useful to consdier that there never were any gaurantees that life would go by and the VCR would be always programmable: ther always WAS danger, disaster, disability or death looming; God always was in control then, and in that sense nothing has changed or will.

Squirrel Hunter >"<

-- SH (squirrel@huntr.com), November 27, 1999.

Elaine,

There is always something more we could have done. At this point, we are slowing down and saying that there is a point when we have done what we can and now we will just stand. Not to drift into passivity, but just not be so consumed with preparations.

That's why I enjoy the postings from the FRLians. They add a little humor and beauty into the mix and help me keep things in perspective. It helps me to remember that I am not alone, and this world is not my home.

Just passin' through,

Gene

-- gene (ekbaker@essex1.com), November 27, 1999.

Elaine,

In those moments of torment, I remember the wise but cynical words of my Father, "In a hundred years no one is going to know the difference anyway."

Just keep on keeping on Elaine.

-- Mabel Dodge (cynical@me.net), November 27, 1999.

Elaine,

Be thankful at least that you're not feeling a knot in your stomach from having spent $50,000 and one year of your life on preparations that might turn out not to have been necessary!

-- Amy Heins (amyheins@aol.com), November 27, 1999.

Yes Elaine I certainly know about Mr. Knot in the stomach. I am tapped out financially and cannot do much more. So....breathing deeply, I watch an occasional fun movie, read a book, contemplate what I am thankful for.

When the need to 'do something' hits bad I browse through bookstores on the net and compare prices on books on skills I don't know but may need, and pick one. Today I received my $9 'Where There is no Dentist', got these visions of being the family dental advisor. Or, I have picked up inexpensive 'how-to' garden books at the thrift store and read these (granny gardener is NOT my middle name, but it will be!).

The point is, little things mean a lot...don't forget that!

-- Sammie (sammiex0@hotmail.com), November 28, 1999.

I knew this was the place to come for encouragement! Thank you all so very much for the boost your kind and sage words are giving me this moment. Having spent all my tears, or so it seemed, over a number of difficult years, I didn't think I had any left until this weekend, when the enormity of it all "hit." Your kindness is a very healing thing. And you all understand in ways that non-GIs cannot. What a gracious group of good people! May God be with you and yours as we enter this unusual time ahead.

-- Elaine Seavey (Gods1sheep@aol.com), November 28, 1999.

To Amy: I have not seen your name here before, and it is hard to discern if this is a sincere response or if you are paid to disrupt people who are preparing. It is hard to fathom anyone coming to a prep forum to say to someone else that they are fortunate they didn't prepare even more, to the level you indicate, of $50,000.

If you are sincere, I reply for your sake. If not, I reply for the sake of newcomers who are trying to learn to prepare for very uncertain, certain to be difficult, days/years ahead. If I had the means to have spent $50K preparing and had known for a year about the necessity, I would GLADLY have spent every penny of it to do so. The self-sufficiency lifestyle is one that is worthwhile in times which are sure to come, regardless of the Y2K computer glitches, from many other sources we have read much about on this and other forums. Two Sundays ago I visited a home in northern Maryland that had installed solar panels and a propane tank, and was installing a wood stove in front of the fireplace. Thanksgiving Day I visited with the daughter of my church friends, who recently built a home in rural Virginia, quite apart from then knowing anything about Y2K. She later GI, and now is very thankful about her choice. She has a well, a stream, land on which to garden, two wood stoves, a husband who hunts deer and dresses it and freezes it, she has access to apples to can, and they are well set against Y2K as a result. Numerous people on this forum have done the same, and much more. Not one of them has ever voiced a regret about having been prudent, caring about the welfare of their loved ones, or the expense it has been. Instead, their new way of life has been empowering and enjoyable. Frankly, I would give a lot to be able to join their ranks fully, and to be able to exercise the newfound skills they are mastering, but I have no access to a garden area, nor other such things. If someone spent $50K on a new boat, a fancy car, improvements to their lavish homes, jewelry, etc., etc., we wouldn't hear any complaints from any quarter about their spending habits. It is only when it has been for preps that we see negative reactions posted here or jabbed at by the government.

I will say that what I have spent is for me, with my circumstances, like having spent $50K for someone else. I have no regrets. My regret is that I cannot do more. I hope this helps newcomers.

-- Elaine Seavey (Gods1sheep@aol.com), November 28, 1999.

Hi, Elaine...I am pretty new to this forum (4 months?), and have spoken up a few times, but mostly have read posts to gather information. I have read many of yours, and think that you have helped me with my preparations. Thank you!

I think that we all may have the feeling that we haven't done enough...mainly because we don't know exactly what to expect. It's a very stressful time for a lot of people. I don't have the knot in my stomach, but I have a kink in my neck that comes and goes!

And Friday evening, I just started crying. My husband asked why, and I didn't really know...I just felt sad. So he said, "Well, let's make a list of all the things that make you sad." and he began writing as I said all the "sad" things....the more I said, the funnier it got. It really helped to say it, look at it written down, and get more of an objective view.

I like the suggestion of working on your preps in a way that doesn't require more money...organizing, testing, just "taking stock". I've learned some new skills this year, I've finally done a few things that I've said I was going to do for years (like put together a good first aid kit), I've made a couple of new friends from this forum.

I think part of the lesson for me, in all of this, is that I need to live closer to the land, not prepare so that I can duplicate my current lifestyle, no matter what.

Anyway, thanks for sharing Elaine! Margo

-- Margo (margos@bigisland.com), November 28, 1999.

I've waked up on many occasions (or simply not been able to go to sleep) with a knot of fear in my stomach over the last year and a half, and I've wept over loved ones who DGI, and I've agonized over whether all we've done would simply be taken from us.... Right now the knot of tension is how much there still is to do and how little time there is left. And in spite of how trite it may sound, the only thing that keeps me from going stark raving nuts is that I know that God knows about y2k and that He loves me. Years ago a friend of mine gave me these verses from Psalm 62 (Moffatt):

Leave it all quietly to God, my soul, my rescue comes from him alone; rock, rescue, refuge, he is all to me, never shall I be overthrown.

Sometimes I still forget this, and right now I'm having a really tough time fighting the fear, but I'm hanging on to Jesus for dear life. I'm glad I have a place where it's safe to admit how scared I am.

-- peg (peg@futureandahope.com), November 30, 1999.

Knots in the stomach ... Y2K dreams ... the unknown always regardless of what it involves, causes anxiety. Just try to change the subject, exercise .... have a .... Y2K in your face day ... by doing something totally non-Y2K sensible! What you are feeling is totally normal, but can you imagine what kinds of stomach knots those who have told others ... don't worry be happy .... must feel? Their consciences must be tormented beyond belief! At least we have prepared, and you can never prepare totally as there is always something else .... and in our preparing, we have done everything we could to help others see the importance of preparing, of investing in a little Y2K insurance. A good part of our stomach knots revolve around .... What if we are right? What will happen to all those millions of people who were told to not prepare? It's a grieving deep within our souls.

-- Lee Barber (LeeeeeeB@webtv.net), November 30, 1999.

Lee,

Boy are you right. I get wound up over what I still need to do, but what breaks my heart into a million pieces is knowing how many people in my family are doing absolutely nothing - along with most of the rest of the world.

I couldn't handle this without the help of God, I would go crazy. (Not that I'm not already more than a little crazy, but you get what I mean.)

Pray for a miracle . . . . ?

-- peg (peg@futureandahope.com), December 04, 1999.