How to stop worrying and love the Apocalypse : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread

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How To Learn To Stop Worrying And Love The Apocalypse

Y2K is almost here.

You're history. Along with the rest of Civilization.

What to do?

The first step is emotional. You need to get over this Civilization thing, you really do. It was just a passing fad. For half a million years Homo Sapiens grunted along just fine without frozen pizzas, toothbrushes and disposable diapers. Of course, your average Homo Sapien was lucky to live to 30 and didn't look all that great even when he got there. I mean, if you live your entire life wearing lice-ridden rags in a chilly cave, gumming uncooked Woolly Mammoth bones and copulating canine style in the mud with all available mammals, it's not likely you're going to live long enough to receive your social security payments. Medical care? That consisted of some guy painted green and wearing feathers, dancing around you with a rattle. Spiritual Care - Religion? That consisted of some guy painted green and wearing feathers, hitting you on the head with the rattle when you strayed from the straight and narrow. Okay, maybe religion hasn't changed much, but lots of other things have. And one can see that retirement planning wasn't a high priority item. There was nothing to plan. As soon as you were weak and useless to the tribe, they gave you a bone and left you by a tree for the hyenas to fight over. Still, it was a life, as long as you didn't think overly much about that hyena part.

Y2K will return us to the basic primitive Neanderthal simplicity, where black is black and white is white and where you're just damn proud to have a hunk of raw meat for dinner and slaves to serve it to you. Sort of like parts of modern Utah. You'd better get use to it.

Before I continue, I wish to tell you my credentials. Now, at this point I could go on for some length about the fact that I have a Ph.D. and am a world-acknowledged expert on Y2K and computers. However, I don't wish to appear that I'm bragging by belaboring my expertise. Therefore I'll just mention the point briefly. I have a Ph.D. and am a world-acknowledged expert on Y2K and computers.

Okay, now lets get down to the real core of the matter. The apocalypse is approaching. How can you learn to embrace the apocalypse? How can you learn to stop worrying and love the apocalypse? Three simple words, my friend, three simple words. These words are: Civilization Is Bunk.

That's right, Civilization Is Bunk. You"ll be far happier when Civilization ends. Face it, deep in the dark recesses of your twisted little brain you already know this to be true. Sure, civilization has given you comfort, but at what price? That price is your freedom. You're chained to a mortgage or to a trailer rental lease, you're chained to a dead end menial job, your chained to your tyrannical boss, your mate, your children, your chained to paying for orthodontia work and to taking out the garbage and for only hunting when in season. You are a mere minor cog in the clockwork of Civilization, and not a particularly well-functioning one either. You have lost free will and self-esteem. Did the Neanderthal cave dwellers have self-esteem? You bet! They never worried about car payments, they never punched a timeclock, they never endured marriage counseling. They were free and noble spirits, beholden to no man, beholden to no government. All that mattered was who got the most Woolly Mammoth meat.

Let's take a key example so as to make this all very concrete. Do you like the IRS? Well, do you? I thought so. Well, come the apocalypse the IRS will be lamprey dust. That fact alone should make your heart sing, should make any price worth paying. Thus when that pack of hyenas comes to tear you to pieces, you'll think gladly "well, this was the price of getting rid of the IRS - and by golly - it was worth it!".

Once Civilization collapses you'll get to do whatever you want. Finally. It will be like summer camp, except with real guns. Won't that be exciting? Of course, there will be millions of people out there with the same idea. This might lead to some unfortunate conflicts, but hey, is the glass half full or half empty? Think positive thoughts.

Are you a failure? Downwardly mobile? An embarrassment to yourself, your family, your friends and to even your pets? Well, the apocalypse is the chance to set all that straight. The world will get turned upside down, freeing up the top for new leaders and visionaries. People just like yourself. Sure, right now you are Second Grill at a hamburger joint in Nashville. But if you play your cards right, in a couple years you'll be Lord Humongous of a powerful new tribe in charge of half of Tennessee. All it requires is courage and diligent study of the website. Opportunity is knocking. Shouldn't you open the hatch door?

-- Garfield (it's@humor... do you have a sense?), November 21, 1999



-- Billy-Boy (, November 21, 1999.

Encouraging people from Oklahoma is WRONG.

Dirty and wrong.

-- Greybear (, November 21, 1999.

ROTFLMAO :)...---...

-- Les (, November 21, 1999.

Bah! Tennessee, Schmenasee...I want farmable land....I got dibs on west central Ohio....

-- Lord Bokoroc (, November 21, 1999.

"sort of like parts of modern Utah"...!!!

great line!

"...are we in Kansas yet...?"

-- Perry Arnett (, November 21, 1999.

LOL, great post, great response too greybear.

-- Nikoli Krushev (, November 21, 1999.

Still laughing! Great. I got dibs on Astoria, Washington. :-D

-- Donna (, November 21, 1999.

I claim the entire state of New Jersey, and all waters to the East of said state. If you wish entrance, be prepared to utter the password "newt". From the New Year hence, we are to be addressed as Grand PooBah and Mrs. Grand PooBah. Approaching on your knees is optional.

-- kritter (, November 21, 1999.

Dammit Grey Bear! Our average IQ went up when half the state migrated to TEXAS.

-- Okies are ok (never@you.mind), November 21, 1999.

This isn't fair!!! Making uncalled for remarks about how we live here in Utah is not fair...even if they are true. Anyway, FYI, "Y2K the movie" appears to be banned here in Utah. Not on any of the TV stations and I get a lot of them with cable. Oh well.

-- Psychotic (y2k@doom&, November 21, 1999.

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