http://www.theonion.com/onion3541/frightening_study.html

PALO ALTO, CA--Researchers at Stanford University are refusing to release a comprehensive three-year interdisciplinary study on the grounds that the results are "too terrifying to reveal to the public at large," sources close to the project announced Monday.

"In light of their profoundly disturbing nature, we have decided that it is in the best interest of public safety to withhold the results our study," said Dr. Desmond Oerter, head of the Stanford team. "So soul-shaking are the conclusions we have drawn, they would, if released, result in no less than the total breakdown of societal order, including the abandonment of the current political and economic system, rioting, looting, mass suicide and even, quite possibly, global thermonuclear war."

"I beg the forgiveness of God for unleashing this hellish study upon humanity," added Oerter, dropping to his knees. "I am death, destroyer of worlds."

Oerter then produced a pair of ballpoint pens and plunged them into his eye sockets. Moments later, he drove the imbedded pens deep into his brain by slamming his face repeatedly against the lectern, killing himself within seconds. ...

-- You Know... (notme@nothere.junk), November 10, 1999

Answers

The Onion---best satire since the National Lampoon of the 70's. I sure will miss those guys.

-- (onion@mad.city), November 10, 1999.

Shit ... this guy is my student adviser here on the Farm. Now I'll never finish my senior project ......

-- SH (squirrel@hunter.com), November 10, 1999.

Why am I thinking Monty Python?

-- Brian (imager@home.com), November 10, 1999.

The Onion Rules! Here in Chicago we get the print version on the stands. Some of my recent faves were "Nation's Experts Quit", "Clinton Molested by Visiting Uncle", and of course "Local Trailer Park Shatters No Stereotypes". Some brilliant and mercilessly cruel satire!

-- Ludi (ludi@rollin.com), November 10, 1999.