OT: Humor (Handy Phrases)

greenspun.com : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread

I think we've seen these before, but they're worth another go. I especially like the last one.

1. Thank you. We're all refreshed and challenged by your unique point of view.

2. The fact that no one understands you doesn't mean you're an artist.

3. Any connection between your reality and mine is purely coincidental.

4. No, my powers can only be used for good.

5. I have plenty of talent and vision. I just don't care.

6. You sound reasonable...Time to up my medication.

7. I like you. You remind me of when I was young and stupid.

8. What am I? Flypaper for freaks!?

9. I'm already visualizing the duct tape over your mouth.

10. Ahhh...I see the screw-up fairy has visited us again...

11. I will always cherish the initial misconceptions I had about you.

12. It's a thankless job, but I've got a lot of Karma to burn off.

13. Yes, I am an agent of Satan, but my duties are largely ceremonial.

14. How about never? Is never good for you?

15. I'm really easy to get along with once you people learn to worship me.

16. I'll try being nicer if you'll try being smarter.

17. I'm out of my mind, but feel free to leave a message...

18. I don't work here. I'm a consultant.

19. At least I have a positive attitude about my destructive habits.

20. You are validating my inherent mistrust of strangers.

21. I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), November 08, 1999



22. Somewhere, there's a village in dire need of you.....

-- Jay Urban (Jayho99@aol.com), November 08, 1999.


* A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the butt.

* Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.

* It doesn't matter what you do, it only matters what you say you've done and what you're going to do.

* After any salary raise, you will have less money at the end of the month than you did before.

* The more crap you put up with, the more crap you're going to get.

* You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.

* When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about themselves.

* If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.

* There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks for a ride home from the office.

* Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back.

* Everything can be filed under "miscellaneous".

* Never delay the ending of a meeting or the beginning of a cocktail hour.

* To err is human, to forgive is not our policy.

* Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he/she is supposed to be doing.

* Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.

* If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will get out of it.

* You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.

* If it wasn't for the last minute, nothing would get done.

* At work, the authority of a person is inversely proportional to the number of pens that person is carrying.

* When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.

* Following the rules will not get the job done.

* Getting the job done is no excuse for not following the rules.

* When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily be reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger handle this?"

* No matter how much you do, never do enough.

* The last person that quit or was fired will be held responsible for everything that goes wrong.

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), November 08, 1999.

here's a few more:


1. You are not superman

2. If its stupid but works, its not stupid.

3. When in doubt, empty your magazine.

4. Dont look conspicuous, it draws fire.

5. Never share a foxhole with anyone braver than you.

6. Remember: Your weapon was made by the lowest bidder.

7. If your attack is going really well, its an ambush.

8. No plan survives the first contact.

9. All 5-second grenade fuses will burn out in 3.

10. Try to look unimportant. The enemy may be low on ammo.

11. If you are forward of your position the artillery will always fall short.

12. The important things are always simple.

13. The simple things are always hard.

14. The easy way is always mined.

15. If you are short of everything except the enemy, you are in combat.

16. When you have secured an objective, dont forget to let the enemy know too.

17. Incoming fire has the right-of-way.

18. If the enemy is in range, so are you.

19. No combat-ready unit ever passed inspection.

20. No inspection-ready unit ever passed combat.

21. Beer math: two beers times 37 men equals 49 cases to order.

22. Things that must be together to work usually cant be shipped together.

23. Radios will fail as soon as you desperately need fire support.

24. Cluster bombing is always accurate. The bombs always hit the ground.

25. Final protective fire doesnt.

26. Tracers work both ways.

27. Anything you do can get you shot, including doing nothing.

28. The only thing more accurate than incoming enemy fire is incoming friendly fire.

29. Make it too tough for the enemy to get in, and you cant get out.

30. If you take more than your fair share of objectives, you will have more than your fair share of objectives to take.

31. When both sides are convinced that they are about to lose, they are both right.

32. Professional soldiers are predictable, but the world is full of amateurs.

-- (Kurt.Borzel@gems8.gov.bc.ca), November 08, 1999.

Dilbert's Salary Theorum for Engineers and Programmers:

Engineers and Programmers can never earn as much as business executives and sales people."

This can be established by the following facts:

1. Knowledge is Power.

2. Time is Money.

From the fundemental physical laws of the universe (Newton, Einstein, et al)

Power = Work/Time.

From the economic laws of productivity (Edison, Ford, Carnegie, et al)

Time = Money.


Knowledge = Work/ Money

Solving for Money, we get:

Money = Work/Knowledge

Obviously, as Knowledge approaches zero, Money approaches infinity, regardless of how much work is actually done.

Given that management (and sales) know nothing and have aboslute power; compared, for example, to engineers, who know everything but have absolutely no power, it is obvious to the most casual observer that management will always be paid more than engineers.


"The less you know, the more you make..."

-- Robert A. Cook, PE (Marietta, GA) (cook.r@csaatl.com), November 08, 1999.

23. Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you.

-- PD (PaulDMaher@att.worldnet.com), November 09, 1999.

24. If at first you don't succeed, find out who screwed you and break their knee caps.

-- I (Have@Big.Hammer), November 09, 1999.

Moderation questions? read the FAQ