OT: One liners - everyone needs a laugh.........greenspun.com : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread
Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet. -Robin Williams
Women complain about premenstrual syndrome, but I think of it as the only time of the month that I can be myself. -Roseanne
Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place. -Billy Crystal
I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was, 'You'll never find anyone like me again!' I'm thinking, "I should hope not! If I don't want you, why would I want someone like you?" -Larry Miller
If you want to say it with flowers, a single rose says: "I'm cheap!" -Delta Burke
You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you this look that says, "My God, you're right! I never would've thought of that!" -Dave Barry
According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where, of course, men are just grateful. -Jay Leno
I am not the boss of my house. I don't know when I lost it. I don't know if I ever had it. But I have seen the boss's job and I do not want it. -Bill Cosby
In the last couple of weeks I have seen the ads for the Wonder Bra. Is that really a problem in this country? Men not paying enough attention to women's breast s? -Jay Leno
My mom said the only reason men are alive is for lawn care and vehicle maintenance. -Tim Allen
We have women in the military, but they don't put us in the front lines. They don't know if we can fight, if we can kill. I think we can. All the general has to do is walk over to the women and say, "You see the enemy over there? They say you look fat in those uniforms." -Elayne Boosler
Always be nice to your children because they are the ones who will choose your rest home. -Phyllis Diller
There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem? -Jay Leno
When the sun comes up, I have morals again. -Elayne Boosler
The post office says they're raising the price of stamps by one cent because they need to upgrade their equipment. Apparently, they're going from semi-automatics to uzis. -Conan O'Brien
Men look at women the way men look at cars. Everyone looks at Ferraris. Now and then we like a pickup truck, and we all buy station wagons. -Tim Allen
There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men don't think there's a lot they don't know. Women do. Women want to learn. Men think, "I know what I'm doing, just show me somebody naked." -Jerry Seinfield
Men are liars. We'll lie about lying if we have to. I'm an algebra liar. I figure two good lies make a positive. -Tim Allen
AT&T is now offering a new service that allows you to pay your bills through your TV screen by using your remote control. So instead of saying, "The check's in the mail," people are going to say, "Hey, I wanted to pay, but I couldn't find the remote." -Jay Leno
You make the beds, you do the dishes, and six months later you have to start all over again. -Joan Rivers
A survey says that American workers work the first three hours everyday just to pay their taxes. So that's why we can't get anything done in the morning: We're government workers! -Jay Leno
Electricity can be dangerous. My nephew tried to stick a penny into a plug. Whoever said a penny doesn't go far didn't see him shoot across that floor. I told him he was grounded. -Tim Allen
Men do not like to admit to even momentary imperfection. My husband forgot the code to turn off the alarm. When the police came, he wouldn't admit he'd forgotten the code.....he turned himself in. -Rita Rudner
If you can't beat them, arrange to have them beaten. -George Carlin
That married couples can live together day after day is a miracle that the Vatican has overlooked. -Bill Cosby
When I was in Boy Scouts, I slipped on the ice and hurt my ankle. A little old lady had to help me across the street. -Steven Wright
After making love I said to my girl, "Was it good for you too?" And she said, "I don't think this was good for anybody." -Gary Shandling
Instead of getting married again, I'm going to find a woman I don't like and give her a house. -Lewis Grizzard
The problem with the designated driver program, it's not a desirable job. But if you ever get sucked into doing it, have fun with it. At the end of the night, drop them off at the wrong house. -Jeff Foxworthy
-- Deano (firstname.lastname@example.org), October 21, 1999
good stuff - thanks, man.......
-- lisa (email@example.com), October 21, 1999.
Thank you greatly Deano :) I needed a good laugh after reading this board too much :) LOL
-- Brent James Bushardt (firstname.lastname@example.org), October 21, 1999.
Well, I'm a city-dweller and I was in a bar talking to a young woman about prepping for y2k and she didn't believe what I was telling her.
I thought for a minute and said, "Want to come to my home and see my wood?"
She laughed and thought for a minute and replied, "Is it hardwood?"
I said, "Mostly."
-- Sign of the times (Wood@BurningStove.com), October 21, 1999.
I present the E-Toilet, which is "fully 2K Flushes compliant". Sorry, Deano, not a one-liner, but I laughed so hard I shat. May you do likewise.
-- how do I get one (email@example.com?), October 21, 1999.
So THAT's what Apple was working on in early MacOS. We used to get some very nasty errors with a handle of "DS", and the OS docs said they referred to deep, uhhh, excrement.
-- Mac (firstname.lastname@example.org), October 21, 1999.
That was classic! Deserving of a thread of its' own no doubt.
Didn't shat but nearly wet myself.........
Good start to a FRIDAY!
-- Deano (email@example.com), October 22, 1999.