Okay, here's the deal. For one day, you are given the powers of the Chosen One. For those of you who don't watch the show, those powers are basically the ability to kick ass without mussing up your poofy blonde hair, while making wise cracks. You can do flips in the air and you're very strong and you can kick box like Jean Claude Van Damme, only you'd kick his ass because he's not the chosen one. You can also throw knives and wooden stakes and hit your demon right in the chest from 50 feet away.

Okay, you've got those powers for one day, and your job is to fight evil. What's your evil? Killer bus drivers? Parking attendants? Those creepy magazine salesmen who hang around college campuses? Jesse Helms? Your ex?

Let the fantasy begin.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

Answers

Hillary

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

Child molesters, rapists, serial killers, congressional Republicans who spent a year debating Monica and less than a week debating a nuclear test ban treaty, fundamentalist morons who think Pokemon is a tool of the devil, fundamentalist morons who think Harry Potter books are anything more than an entertaining fantasy, and anyone who parks in a handicapped parking space without being handicapped.--Al

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

I live in Pittsburgh, and I walk everywhere or take the bus, so these are bus related, like yours, Beth. I would hurt and/or maim - people who don't realize that if their light is green but they're turning left or right in a car, and I'm walking across the street to a "walk" signal or a green light, that they can hold their damn comfortable selves in their damn cars until I saunter across the damn street! Doubly so if it's raining! People who ride the bus - if you get on the bus, and there is the possibility of people getting on behind you, and there's only standing room... get your ass to the back of the damn bus. It won't hurt you, and it allows more than two people to board the bus. That is such a pet peeve of mine. And if you're under 25 and an older (i.e. tired-looking, not just older) person gets on, give up yer damn seat. It won't hurt you and it might just make their day. Oooh, and people who make fun of feminists. Or their hair. Or... people who make others feel bad, intentionally. Argh! If I were Buffy I'd just have to kick everyone's asses.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

(I would first like to announce that the Chosen One's chosen one has just gotten a divorce - hie thee away to L.A. to heal his wounded heart)

I would use an aerial off a park bench, into a devastating roundhouse squarely into the chest of the people who cancelled "My So-Called Life". I have issues still.

Straight up aikido would dispatch that annoying Little Bit of Mambo dude with the poofter white hat. He's a Chaos Demon, I bet.

I would lightly smack Joss Whedon until he acknowledged that pairing Buffy with anyone other than Spike is ridiculous - my god! The chemistry was alarming! Better than Buffy and Angel.

I would then go up against James Van Der Beek's enormous cranium. I'm not sure even the Chosen One has enough power to behead the Head, but it's worth trying.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

1. People who park in handicapped spots that aren't handicapped.
2. People who park in my reserved spot at work.
3. People who leave their buggies in parking spots at stores.
4. People who take up two parking spots at the gym.
5. People who park too close to the line at the gym.
6. People who park right next to my car when I park way out in the boonies of the parking lot to avoid door dings.

As you can see, I have parking lot issues.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

the list is just too long, but i'd start with jessie helms.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

I'd like to add one more to Joy's excellent list. Namely, people who take strollers into shopping complexes and/or amusement parks. Particularly double or tandem strollers.

They are capitol E, Evil. If the kid's too young to walk, chances are they're not getting much out of the experience anyway. Leave them somewhere safe and save us all the headache.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

What's my evil?

Ohhh, I'd go find every jock-asshole-slamdancing rapist I could and beat the living daylights out of them. I'd especially like to go back in time and be there to fight those dicks in the mosh pit at Rapestock this summer. I think death is probably too good for these guys, but then again, I get their toenails keep growing after they cut them too.

All the sexist, fundamentalist bastards left I'd just maim until they looked so socially unacceptable that no one would listen to them anymore. Let them wander around with their ears intact so they can hear the screams of horror over their appearance (Princess Bride reference acknowledged).

I'd love to get a few kicks in on my ex, but I'd have to be totally disguised (fluffy blonde hair might just do), as I really only want to get out my frustrations, not kill him or maim him or anything. It'd feel soooooo good, though, just once.

Oh! And the "cat killers" gang around here - dead, the lot of them. I think I'd like to tie them in bags and stomp on them for awhile first, just so they know how it feels. Freakin' bastards.

Some of my old bosses might get some roundhouse kicks to the head.

And driving idiots I'd just maim until they were no longer physically able to drive.

Beth, I'm gonna need more than a day for this noble task....

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

1. People who park in handicapped spots that aren't handicapped. 2. People who park in my reserved spot at work. 3. People who leave their buggies in parking spots at stores. 4. People who take up two parking spots at the gym. 5. People who park too close to the line at the gym. 6. People who park right next to my car when I park way out in the boonies of the parking lot to avoid door dings.

As you can see, I have parking lot issues.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

That guy in line at Safeway who was openly molesting his shell- shocked, cheerleader-type girlfriend while her friends watched and giggled. Yuck. And I'm sure they all wished they were being pawed by that creepy high school alpha male, maybe they all need a good whackin'. --T

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

I have strong feelings about rapists, child molesters, etc. But if I was the Chosen One for a day. I would first have to beat down the moron who decided it was a good idea to put those "junior shopper" carts in my grocery store. You know the little miniature carts with flags flying that someone thought would be a great thing for little tikes to push around the store? I guess it might be fun for the kids, and it might allow the parent to get through the shopping experience with less of a headache. But what about the childless shoppers who just want to buy their groceries without suffering multiple collisions and bruises?

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

People with cell phones

People who bring children to places more upscale than, say, McDonalds

The guy at the gym who grunts loudly and insists on having the music turned up loud

That bitch who drove in the left turn lane this morning just to be able to cut ahead of the line of cars

Other people who are it would be too politically incorrect to mention

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

people who throw trash into recycling bins.

people who throw recyclables into the trash.

atlanta braves fans, but MOST particularly the ones who participate in the "tomahawk chop." i am boycotting the world series because of them. (ok, what "boycotting" effectively means is that i won't be watching it on tv, but it's the principle of the thing.)

religious nuts on campus who ask me whether i've been saved yet.

phone solicitors.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

1) April J., who said that NOT tolerating racism in public schools was an infringement on the rights of parents (to raise racist children, I'm guessing), and is akin to forcing religion on public school students.

2) People who insist they have the only valid opinion.

3) People who think they know everything about everything.

I'm slighly bitter today, so I really appreciate being given the opportunity to answer this question. Buffy kicks ass!

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

Without a doubt, Dr. Laura. In my dreams, Satan has Dr. Laura's face.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

Programmers at UPN, WB and Fox for making the original big three networks seem sophisticated.

-- Anonymous, October 20, 1999

Basically I would kick all those people out there that are what I call "special people". They think they are better than everyone else and the rules just don't apply to them: Those obligatory handicapped zone fiends
Those rude inconsiderate driver maniacs who own the road
Those Line pusher-inner idiots everywhere
Those Parents who let their kids run riot in public - morons
And finally, those "delightful garage people who think because I'm a woman I can't see when I'm being ripped off" dickheads.

Oh and Child Molesters...I wouldn't kick their butts I'd set their genitals on fire with lighter fluid and put it out with a hammer. Then I'd kick their butts.

-- Anonymous, October 21, 1999

At my most cynical, I firmly believe that 99% of the world's population is made up of assholes, regardless of race, gender, creed or opinion. Y'all just confirmed that belief. A little fantasy is OK, but this is getting scary.

And I was in such a great mood today. Damn!

(I'll probably regret writing this right after I clicked the 'submit' button, but I'm gonna do so anyway.)

-- Anonymous, October 21, 1999

I'd definitely start my day as the Chosen One by hunting down all of the people who have cut me off by driving up the shoulder of the highway when an accident has clogged traffic. I'd do something really awful to those people. Since I'm not actually the Chosen One, all I can think of for punishment is making them stand in line to apply for a new driver's license and a new vehicle registration on the same day. I bet the Chosen One would be able to come up with a much cooler punishment.

If there was time after I got done with the shoulder hogs, I'd track down those cashiers who keep their heads down when you get to the checkout and stay glued to the phone on a personal call. But the worst thing I could condemn them to is working long hours in a crummy mindless job and carrying on their lives by long distance. So maybe the Chosen One got there ahead of me.

-- Anonymous, October 21, 1999

Even though I sincerely appreciate Phil Greenspun for making this forum space available to anyone who wants it, I'd probably have to kick his butt just a little for making it so a single hard return is completely ignored. If y'all don't know this, you have to hit return TWICE or use a break tag <BR> or a paragraph tag <P>. Otherwise, I have to come back and edit the message for you, if I happen to notice that it's not matching up to what you intended. (The e-mail notice I get always shows your original linebreaks.)

-- Anonymous, October 21, 1999

In addition to the already-listed jerks, I'd like to add the asshole that made the decision to discontinue carrying the WB network at my cable company. (Where I live it's the only company) I got to see the season premiere of Buffy and Angel, and then *snap* it's no longer part of our regular broadcast service! Does anyone have a stake handy?

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

I'll limit my list to tv evildom.

Michigan Frog - the annoying little putz was in a grand total of a single cartoon and he's now the mascot for the WB. Who'd he lather up to get that post?

Every WB show in existance, past present and future, save for Buffy 'n Angel.

Every tv show that uses angst as the central theme. Get a life, people! The world isn't crumbling around you!

The schmucks at the CBC who cancel the best Canadian tv dramas when they're at their peak.

The replacement Ray on Due South. The original Ray was sooo much better.

Lowest common denominator programming, where original concepts are discarded in favour of recycled tv formulae.

WWF/WCW Wrestling! I'd bitch slap Stone Cold Steve Austin (Astronaut; a man barely alive. We can rebuild him. Sorry, I segued into Six Million Dollar Man.)

Do I only get one day?

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999

Solicitors who don't know what the 'No Solicitors--Friends Welcome!' sign means on my door.

I used to have a definition of 'solicitor' up there, too, for those who didn't have the benefit of a decent education; unfortunately, it would seem that education and reading skills go down the drain hand-in-hand...

-- Anonymous, October 22, 1999