So, what *is* a good friend? Are you a good friend? Do others think so? What would you do better/differently if you could?

-- Catherine (catherine@cmjcom.com), October 19, 1999

Answers

What is a good friend? I once theorized with my wife that your perfect mate is the one person who _can_ deny you your slightest whim. She married me because I said "no' to her once and stuck by it. That seems to work to some degree for friends as well. Friends are those people who can tell you what an idiot you're being and yet somehow you know they're saying it because they love you.

-- Joel Palenychka (palenychka@home.com), October 19, 1999.

Disclaimer: I am talking about me here, my limitations, not ANYONE else.

I agree with John D. MacDonald: a friend is someone you can say any fool thing around, and trust that any disagreements will be hashed out then and there. Where you can relax, say a goofy thing, a silly thing, tell a dirty joke, and trust it won't be taken the wrong way...or if it is, the friend will tell you then and there. If you say something offensive to them, they will tell you. A good friend isn't a mindreader---one can't be expected to know everything behind what someone says or does or means--they will ask. They are interested in you, and you are interested in them.

Am I a good friend? Yes, I think I am. Sometimes I slip up--who doesn't?--but I can usually be trusted. I don't judge others who are different from my viewpoint, usually. I trust who I trust, and help them when I can.

Do others think so? Most who know me in person do, most who know me on-line do, a few don't.

What would I do differently? I wouldn't lose my temper at someone and say things told in confidence, as I did once. I would--if I could- -stop adding up old traits on friends and treating them as a sum total of the past, and admit that people can change. That who they are today has nothing with what they were.

I would let go of those I once cared for as friends, as the best thing I can do for them, and realize that nothing's permanent, and realize the best thing I can do is leave them alone.

-- Al Schroeder (al.schroeder@nashville.com), October 19, 1999.

True close friends are special people to me, people with whom I share freely, deeply and without fear about the issues in my life and all of it's ups and downs, the laughs ---lots of laughs---the tears and so on. I am there for them and they are there, equally, for me. I know I can count on them. They won't manipulate me or take advantage of me. I trust them and they trust me. We give TO each other. One does not just take from the other and never return the caring.These kinds of friends are rare indeed, and I have few of them in real life, and only the beginning of a few here on the internet.

And having just read Al Shroeder's post above, I would have to appropriate what he said, and add it here also.

I am a good friend. I believe my friends do think so. My biggest fault is not keeping in touch as much as I should with those who are not close by.

-- Jo (jmerchant@interaccess.com), October 19, 1999.

What is a good friend? A person who is always there for you. Someone you can tell anything. They want to hear, to know, to listen, to give feedback. They are always there. They don't leave you, or lose you, or totally cut you out of their life because you inconvenienced them once. They understand. They care. They know you are there for them, too. Am I a good friend? Yes, because I know that people will always let you down eventually. It's no surprise. I can still be there. It's a giving thing. Do others think so? I truly wish I knew what other people think. What would I do better/differently if I could? Try to find those who are really interested in being and having real friends.

-- Nick Cardona (nicardo@bigfoot.com), October 21, 1999.

the older one becomes the harder it seems to make solid friendships..find interesting people..have a valid, sound trustful relationships....my BIGGEST regret in life is not keeping in touch with my friends and co-workers from my twenties..people say it's not too late to do this..to go back..in reality it is...

-- cris (catnun31@yahoo.com), October 22, 1999.