Are you ready for Y2k? (spoof on doomers)greenspun.com : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread
Are you ready for Y2K?
What are you doing, if anything, to prepare?
Marc V. Ridenour - 08:57am Oct 19, 1999 (#1 of 2)
Here is a Y2K dissertation from Gary South's Website. Enjoy: MVR
Gary Souths's Y2K Links and Forums The Year 2000 Problem: The Year the Earth Implodes
We've got a problem. More specifically, you've got a problem. Your problem is that you are going to die real soon. You and countless billions of other lost souls will soon perish in mortal agony. I presume this fact is of interest to you. Imminent death has a way of focusing one's attention.
Me? I don't have this problem. I live in an Armed Survival Compound in Arkansas, safely surrounded by the proper kind of food, the proper kind of wife (study your Old Testament), and a pack of vicious attack dogs. I also have electric barb wire, a solar array system, a propane-powered VCR, a set of machine guns and over a ton of bibles. I have all the essentials, yes I do. I'm set to survive. You, in contrast, are toast.
What is the problem I speak of? Well, it is the second biggest problem that the world has ever faced. The biggest problem the world ever faced was when that thing pummeled the Earth back in the Cretaceous, killing off all those poor dinosaurs. A huge comet, or asteroid, or something else big and really bad, smashed into the planet near the present-day Yucatan peninsula. The subsequent blast incinerated all life within thousands of miles. Then fire rained down from the sky, starting forest fires that burnt the rest of the planet to a crisp. Then tidal waves reaching into the stratosphere drowned the continents under trillions of tons of water. Then planetary dust clouds plunged the world into absolute darkness for centuries, smothering out almost all life that remained. What a mess. Not one of our better days. Well, our problem isn't quite as big as that asteroid/dinosaur thing, but it's darn close.
It's called the year 2000 problem. It's also called the millennium bug, y2k, and (misspelled), the millenium time bomb. It's also called every nutcase's dream. It doesn't matter how you spell it, or even if you can spell, or even if you are a nutcase, although this helps. What matters is that it is here, bigger than life, and ready to rip your liver out.
Think of what happens if the following areas go down and stay down for months or years or even centuries: banks, railroads, public utilities, telephone lines, chocolate factories, financial markets and TV. Especially TV. When TV goes down Western Civilization crumbles. Think: no WrestleMania, no Home Shopping Network, no endless series of cartoons and action movies. Instead, all the action will be taking place outside. No need to watch a movie about Mutated Radioactive Liberal Bikers killing and raping their way across a post-apocalyptic landscape. That movie will be taking place on your own front lawn, in glorious living color and wraparound sound. And you'll even get to play a part. Won't that be special!
Is this possible? Is the Pope celibate? Am I a raving Grade-A lunatic? You see, it's far more than merely possible. It is a certainity. One man who thinks that we're all dead is Ed Yourdon, one of America's senior mainframe computer programmers, author of two dozen books on programming. He and his daughter have written a book, TIME BOMB 2000. In this book Ed predicts the end of the world, or at least, Upper Manhatten. You can go buy this book if you like, at finer bookstores and grocery checkout lines near you. Among other predictions, Ed believes programmers will flee the cities before the meltdown occurs. Will they flee? Of course they'll flee. Geeks are very smart, that's why they're geeks. Already they are retreating into darkened caves and learning how to start fires by banging rocks together. They're learning how to tan hides and hunt mammoths with spears. Should you be worried? You bet! There aren't any mammoths! They're extinct! When the former programmers discover this they will be seriously upset and will cast around for other sources of protein. You know what that means.
On or be
Magnum Force - 09:30am Oct 19, 1999 (#2 of 2)
I think everybody is making a bigger deal out of this than they need to. I'm saying that because I've been in the field of computer systems for the last 15 years. Five years ago most computer systems would not have been Y2K compliant and I'm sure no one in their right mind would want to see problems in their computer systems related to Y2K. A lot of efforts have been made to correct this glitch, especially in large mainframe systems that use older versions of COBOL and other 3rd generation languages. There will be a few sporatic problems here and there but nothing major to make the whole world stop functioning. Most of us will probably be affected more by the hangover from new year's eve than Y2K problems. You will need to worry if you have a home computer with an early Pentium I and older processors, there is a possibily those will be affected as well depending on the brand of computer you have.
-- Homer Beanfang (Bats@inbellfry.com), October 19, 1999
I honestly don't know which is funnier -- the "Gary South" spoof of www.garynorth.com, or the drivel Marc V. Ridenour spouted at the end.
But I know which is going to turn out sadder.
-- King of Spain (firstname.lastname@example.org), October 19, 1999.
I gotta admit that I had a pretty big grin when I first read garysouth.com a few months ago. Here's a little more, from the links page: <:)=
There are dozens of useful documents on this site. This number is growing by over one a month. The evidence is rolling in from all sides now, and the vast bulk of it says that you should really get a life and not frequent websites such as this one.
Still here? Well, if you really have nothing better to do, stick around. It beats watching television.
We already know that the Year 2000 Problem (y2k) is terminal. We are all going to die, especially you. Yes, you. You are dead, finished, kaput.
Not me, though. I'm not going to die. I'm going to be sitting in my Armed Survival Compound, an adoring and subservient wife on each knee, eating a ham sandwich and having a cold one, while you freeze and whither away in the post-computational darkness. Yes, your death won't be pretty, in fact it may get downright biblical (I presume you study your Bible) in its ugliness. But I won't be participating, so sorry.
I'd like to get all worked up over this, but frankly it really is no big loss. After all, I'm perfectly safe and I really doubt you have anything I want.
Still, I am filled with religious insanity. This whole website is a tribute to religious insanity. I want to help you, you poor lost soul, you miserable little worm, somehow get through this impending disaster, so that I can win points with my Father, Who Is In Heaven. Perhaps I'll even profit from it in the Earthly Kingdom. I'm sure your gratitude at the end will be suitably large and can be translated into monetary units of some kind. We'll see. But for now I'll try to help you just because of concern for your soul. Plus the fact that I'm insane, as I've said.
So you understand you are doomed. You have accepted this just as you've accepted the fact Elvis is alive and that space aliens practice proctology. Good. So now the only open question is: how do I survive? How do I become a winner after the apocalypse, especially since I've been such a consistent loser before the apocalypse? Will I need to leave my home? Will I need to sell my car? Sure, doomsday is coming. But what's in it for me?
You have asked the right questions! That's exactly what the links below are for! I've thoughtfully listed them in ways that make gathering key information simple and easy - from the comfort of your own home! So sit back, relax and study these documents in detail. Take to heart their message and motivational meanings. Then act. Time is short. Soon there will be winners and losers, those with a can of spam and those without. Which category do you wish to be in? I thought so. Read on.
-- Sysman (email@example.com), October 19, 1999.
"If you've prepared properly, you don't need to worry when you're in the dark because the Radioactive Liberal bikers have stolen your generator and are breaking down your door. Simply run to your stash and grabe that gold you stored. Yes gold! Gold is the only form of real money, and will see you through any kind of hard times. So squeeze your gold real hard and all your troubles will vanish instantly, or at least within 15 minutes..."
-- Flint (firstname.lastname@example.org), October 19, 1999.
Flint, I think you need a 24K gold NECKLACE.... ; )
-- Dog (Desert Dog@-sand.com), October 19, 1999.