There is more and it gets better than this by a long shot. Bon appetite.
Link
Snip
OBSTRUCTION OF JUSTICE! BRIBERY! FRAUD! COVER-UP! PERJURY! TREASON!
Gingrich was flatout wrong when he said the Clinton administration is guilty "of the most systematic, deliberate obstruction of justice, cover-up, and effort to avoid the truth we have ever seen in American history." What he meant to say is that the Clinton administration "has suffered the most expensive, longest, most intense, vindictive political investigation of any administration in American History."
Even before Bill Clinton became president, a right-wing conspiracy began to destroy and remove him by any means possible (other than publicly calling for his assassination.) It began when a psychotically obsessed Arkansas Clinton Hater, Larry Nichols, teamed up with maneater Gennifer Flowers to try and knock him out the New Hampshire primary. When that failed, the GOP leading the Liberal Bias Media around by its nose began with Whitewater; a $5000 loss the Clinton's took on a land deal 15 years before they entered the White House (with most of the suspicion falling upon the First Lady rather than the President himself.) The whole Whitewater fiasco is based upon the word of one crooked Arkansas Judge named David Hale (a self admitted liar, tax evader and felon on the payroll of Richard Scaife and the American Spectator) who was given a sweet deal for telling Fascist Little Shit Ken Starr what he wanted to hear. The ensuing investigation was dependent upon only three people. David Hale, who now has no credibility, Susan McDougal who would rather spend her life in jail rather than tell Starr anything, and Jim McDougal who is dead.
At the onset, even the Republicans knew that going after a president for some small illegal money transaction his wife may have been a part of before he was president could actually oust him. So Cliff Jackson, a neurotically obsessed Arkansas Clinton Hater teamed up with Paula Jones and ran her from one right-wing presentation to another with her ever more embellished story of sexual harassment. But here again the GOP understood that this was a civil suit which could not in itself drive Clinton from Office.
So with the help of the Liberal Bias Media, the GOP grasped at straws with one accusation of scandal after another; Troopergate, Travelgate, Fostergate, Filegate, Arlingtongate, Campaigngate and so on. Even the high expectations of Fred Thompson's Senate investigation fell on its ass. During this time Fascist Little Shit Ken Starr realized he really had nothing impeachable with Whitewater, so he decided to quit and take a teaching position at a Right-wing college law department funded by Richard Mellon Scaife. The move gave him some bad PR, so realizing he had to stick with the job, he melded the Whitewater criminal investigation to the Paula Jones' civil suit. It was now a game of peeking in windows regarding the sexual behavior of the President and any women he had contact with in his life.
Soon, by subpoenaing just about everyone in Washington and Arkansas, the Fascist Little Shit got the name of Monica Lewinsky. He put a wire on her Right-wing friend Linda "the Rat" Tripp and then had eight agents grille Ms. Lewinsky without a lawyer for a day.
The GOP, not having a clue as to what vindictive window peeking fascists they were now being perceived as by the majority of the public, for the most part, had to keep their mouths shut. They were indeed destroying the President and presidency with their endless sordid accusations and investigations, but Bill Clinton was kicking their butts in the polls. Then the Paula Jones suit got knocked out, harassing Ms. Lewinsky, her mother and the President's secretary were perceived as out of line, and the big story of Kathleen Wiley fell with her credibility.
Now the hard Right was foaming at the mouth to get him, so Dan Burton upped the ante with his investigation calling the President a "scumbag" and releasing doctored phone conversations between Web Hubbell and his wife while he was in prison. This also backfired making the GOP all the madder.
Newt Gingrich, right off from his book tour touting himself as a jolly common man sweetheart (which moved him up in the polls for his presidential run from his steady 28% favorable to 36%) could stand it no more. The old bomb throwing hypocrite jumped out of his leather jacket and jeans to don the blue suit with the red tie and let fly with his standard partisan vindictive attack dog crap. Within a week he was back at 28%. And with a recent comment on foreign soil that Secretary of State Allbright is an agent for the Palestinians, he's dropping further. What a scumbag he is. [It's okay to call people that now]
Talk of the GOP losing enough seats in '98 to give the House back to the Democrats flowed around the beltway. What more could the do? Where was the smoking gun? So they ratcheted it up a notch. Treason! The Yellow Peril! The Red Horde! An issue all Americans can get behind. It worked before, it would work again. Though only whispered in the halls of congress, it was shouted across the AM radio dial and the wagon was filling.
First, we as a nation suffer an extreme parochial hypocrisy regarding the arms race. We have more missiles, nukes, chemical/biological weapons, and have run more nuclear tests than the rest of the world put together, while we sit on our high an mighty asses telling everyone else what they are and are not allowed to do. Secondly, this newest accusation of treason is based on a waver from the White House to sell sealed satellites and a modicum of missile guidance expertise to the Chinese. Both Presidents Reagan and Bush did the same, to the same degree of enhanced technology in their time as this time. And if we didn't make the bucks on it, they would have bought the same technology from the French the day after we refused. Lastly and most importantly, it is worse than treason to be striving to make the largest nation on Earth our enemy rather than our friend for political expediency. Treason my ass! Gosh...
The Yellow Peril issue galvanized the Far Right as intended but was losing to the vital center so the GOP went back to tapping phones and peeking in windows to get the juice on Clinton. They succeeded, republicans are very good at tapping phones, peeking in windows and sitting on their hypocritical moral butts.
-- y2k dave (xsdaa111@hotmail.com), September 24, 1999
THE CONSPIRACY!
The idea that America (or any country) values individuality as the
highest ideal is a myth. Perhaps in simpler times it was true, but no
modern industrial society can really afford a population of
unpredictables. This is not surprising - the long history of our
cult's persecution by the Conspiracy goes back for generations
untold, and indeed there are signs of their hoary repression of
prehuman SubGenii dating from before "man's" appearance on Earth. All
of civilization's painful and misguided climb up from the primeval
slime, and its subsequent loss of Slack and of any class at all, has
been indelibly marked, nay, entirely motivated, by the aeons-bridging
conflict between the Conspiracy's mindlessly chickenshit Witless
Principals and the Jehovah-spawned, grandiose depravity of the
superior yet ethnically all-encompassing race of latent SubGeniuses.
(You should know this - you were/will be there in the Beforelife!)
The fact that only in recent years has "our kind" begun to recognize
our own sovereignty demonstrates both how vicious have been Their
efforts at further denying us Slack and yet how near is our race to
TRIUMPH.
All this is ULTIMATE PROOF that Jehovah 1 has not only promoted the
SubGenius as His Special Tool, but has simultaneously pulled the
strings which make Them endarken Themselves with their hereditary
ignorancy and us with their cubistic witch-hunt superstitions. His
"reason" for this two-faced obedience-school programming, this
fissioning of history into binary "war equations," unfortunately, or,
perhaps, thankfully, remains a total mystery.
But Jehovah 1 is not alone in His cosmic meddling, for Earth has been
periodically visited for thousands of years by BENEVOLENT ALIENS of
such technical and psychic superiority that their powers,while no
match for Jehovah's, are nonetheless nothing short of " no slopeheads
alone could build, the miracles of the Old Testament, all these and
more are events so inextricably interwoven with the invisible
background war between Jehovah and the Xists that all the "Ancient
Astronaut" fossils in the world furnish only the barest of clues.
(The movie rights ALONE to these gut-splitting tales of
reincarnancient history are worth millions!) Yea, it has even been
suggested that the Carpenter of Nazareth himself, God Jr., Jesus
'What, Me Worry?' Christ, was in actuality a 'space detective' of the
Xists, walking the Earth in human form with the mission of
extricating us from the Monster God's grip.
The black shadow of the Conspiracy, unfortunately, has seen to it
that even His teachings were diluted and distorted until human
attempts to follow them were fully as misguided as the carving of the
heads of Easter Island or the 'runways' of Nazca.
And so the true destiny of the SubGenius has been kept secret from
Man. For Jehovah 1 is to the Xists and Us what a hungry fisherman is
to a prize fish and his favorite pet worm - the last in the can. How
many million other races were used before us in these ghastly
galactic water-sports?
JEHOVAH 1 MANIPULATES US FOR HIS OWN SINISTER ENDS.
The SubGenius knows that a godlike alien space monster calling
Himself Jehovah 1 is watching us and making us dance like cheap
puppets for His own insidious purposes. He demands that we "whorship"
Him, and so we surely must. And if you say that the SubGenius is
decieved, that there is no alien God of Wrath named Jehovah, then the
SubGenius will attack YOU! You are wrong; we are right; Jehovah 1
told us so and we believed it. Alright? Now roll over and go back to
"sleep"...(By "God's Third Leg," you'd think these human beings
didn't know what insane bogus religions are for!!)
First -- there was The Gilgamesh
Then... The Bhagavad-Gita
Then... The Torah, The New Testament, The Koran
Then... The Book of Mormon, Dianetics, I'm OK you're OK.
THE SOURCE: JEHOVAH-1 (a.k.a. WOTAN, YAHWEH, RA, etc)
THE TEACHER: J.R. "BOB" DOBBS
THE GOAL: SLACK
THE OBSTACLE: THE CONSIPIRACY AND ITS DUPES,
THE NORMALS
THE WAY: THE CASTING OUT OF FALSE PROPHETS
THE WEAPON: TIME CONTROL
SLOGANS:
"Fuck 'Em If They Can't Take A Joke"
"Too Much Is Always Better Than Not Enough"
"Pull The Wool Over Your Own Eyes"
"You'll PAY To Know What You REALLY Think"
"Give Me Slack, Or Give Me Food, Or Kill Me"
"If I Can't Whup It, I'll Go DOWN"
"Bleeding Head Good, Healed Head Bad"
"If You Act Like A Dumbshit, They'll Treat You As An Equal"
"SCIENCE DOES NOT REMOVE THE TERROR OF THE GODS" J.R. "BOB" Dobbs is
endowed with the full range of ESP abilities.Although
"Bob's" accuracy has never been questioned by previous "clients." no
SacraMentalist can claim infallibility. With "Bob," especially, it is
only a matter of time before he falters in a big way; he is farther
from
so-called "perfection" than most of us could be if we worked at it.
Therefore, "Bob," his associates, promoters, empolyees, sponsors,
agents,
followers, and writers must disclaim all liability to all person or
groups who act upon ESP impressions given by word of mouth, print,
tele-
phone, film, tape, or holograph recording now or in the...the future.
The
Secrets of the Elder Gods are not offered in an attempt to persaude
any
peson of the supernatural powers of rites, rituals, amulets,
talismans,
seals, incantations, or other ideas and devices mentioned herein. No
magical claims are made and medical problems should be attended by
licensed physicians.
SCIENCE DOES NOT REMOVE THE TERROR OF THE GODS"
The SubGenius knows that a Godlike alien space monster calling himself
"Jchingh-1" Is watchig us and making us dance like cheap puppets for
His
own ends. he demand that we worship Him, and so we surely must.
And if you say that the SubGenius is deceived, that there is no alien
God of Wrath, then the SubGenius will attack YOU! you are wrong; we
are
right; WOTAN told us so and we believed it. Alright? Now roll over and
go back to "sleep"...(By "God's Third Leg," you'd think these humans
didn't know what religion was For!!)
A note about the word "he" as an all purpose pronoun: we use it
because constantly saying "he or she," "s/he," or "it," sounds STUPID.
However, notice also that while JHVH-1, God, Jesus, and a few others
are called "He" with a capital H, "Bob" is merely a "he." These
spellings
are in accordnace with the express wishes of the respective deities.
"Bob"
de-deifies himself whenever possible to counterbalance the tendency
of his
followers to go overboard.
PROPHECY CRUSADE
WE THE SUBGENIUSES OF THE POST-HUMAN RACE, in order to preserve life
on
this planet from immanent destruction, reestablish intelligence,
regain
Slack, cast out the False Prophets, smother forever the fear of fear
itself, receive the questionable gifts of the Beforelife and of the
Space Dwellers, become as Overmen, unmask the Conspiracy, grip the
reins
of human evolution, control reproduction and mutation, decipher the
Code,
placate the Stark Fist of Removal, achieve Time Control, see That
Which
Must Come to Pass, become as gods, find the Twin with the Scissors of
Sight, aver the Rupture of the Equilibrium, and secure the financial
blessings of Jehovah-1 the God of Wrath for ourselves and our descend-
ents, do hereby admit ourselves as such and thus ordain this
Advertise-
ment of the SubGenius Race of Earth."I don't practice what I preach
because I'm not the kind of person I'm
preaching to."
"Bob" in 'Newsweek'
"We believe the planet is being led to destruction by a race of
inferior
creatures who place blind trust in their own culturally dictated
concept of "intelligence." Look, you guys, you know as well as I do...
they may be smart, but they don't have good sense."
--"Bob" to the Senate Subcommittee, 1956
Dear Querent into the profundities of This Twisted Randomness We
Call Reality:
"IS THIS SOME KIND OF JOKE?"
Well, if you thought this Church was a joke, then you'll by
God NEVER 'GET' THE PUNCHLINE.
Oh, we're the first to admit that we deliver far more laughs and yuks
per dollar than Scientology, the Unification Church, or any other
religious
group, except possibly the Southern Baptists. But they are for
Braindeath.
We are against braindeath. That would put a damn bounty on our heads
except
that we tread the thin tightwire of the jokes just enough not to have
been
covertly killed Or Bought. MY GOD, look what they did to any of our
pred-
ecessors that kept straight faces.
No, this is NO joke, NO parody. Only the foulness of your programming
keeps you from believing we have thousands of members, nationwide
revivals,
radio shows, and so on. But we do.
Not only are we not kidding, but we'll even Piss You Off. Indeed,
that's
our JOB - our CALLING - our MISSION. We're going to shock the hell
out of
every man, woman, and child on this planet. It's a big job, and we
only
have until 1998 to do it. Still, it's enough time for the Church to be
infiltrated and made evil if we don't watch ourselves.
YES - BEWARE - the biggest danger this Earth faces is The Church Of
The
SubGenius becoming POPULAR and turning into one big CHEAP JOKE. The
Conspiracy has a way of doing that to damn near anything that comes
near
it - i.e. tries to make a buck. And when this Industrial Church, this
Final Organization, takes full power over the entire globe in '98, it
just better not have been tainted and cheapened by such Normal Armies
as Pinks(1), Punks, False Prophets, Hippies, right-wing Nerds,
obnoxious
would-be hepcats, Nazis, Commies, Glorps(2) or, as the Prophet
Hypercleats
dubbed them, Mal-Aligned Normals.
The teachings of "Bob" are NOT universal. For the Pink at heart they
simply won't work. For the evil they'll backfire. And they'll even be
DAMN HARD TO FOLLOW for ignorant Subgeniuses.
But we must NOT water them down: the Conspiracy will assimilate them,
twist them to fit Their plans, and sell them back to us in CRIPPLED,
USELESS condition.
No, only the truly abnormal, those who are abnormal inside, in their
eternal, ungainly souls, not just maladjusted, ONLY THESE must wield
the
relentless POWER of "BOB" on July 5, 1998, X-Day, when the Angelic
Host
from Planet X descend in glory and terror.
UNBELIEVABLE
UNSPEAKABLE
UNBEARABLE!!
Sensationalism is just the lure we use in order to communicate in all
sobriety certain awful histories and secret fate for the Earth so
unspeak-
able that it may take several books to prepare you just to read it.
Because if you are reading this in the late 20th Century, EVERYTHING
YOU KNOW REALLY IS WRONG. You are an uncivilized, ignorant, BARBARIC
peasant that will be looked back upon by future generations with
every bit
as much pity as you regard the plague-ridden wretches od Downtown
Medieval
Europe.
Your "civilization" got off so heavily on the WRONG FOOT, is so far
OFF
THE TRACK, and will keep going SO FAR from where it is "meant" to be,
that YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT SLACK IS and the only way you can
reopen your
primitive mind, your buried gene-memory of SLACK, is to roll up your
sleeves and GET DOWN with "Bob." If you're worried about getting your
hands
dirty, DO NOT ENTER. If you want to keep thinking "science" is right,
DROP
THIS BOOK NOW.
If you want to remain agnostic about The Forces, GET THE BOOK OUT OF
YOUR HOUSE. If you don't like the cold, get out of the freezer.
If you are, say, a hopelessly intellectual Conspiracy dupe (or "Judge-
Head") with just enough verbal skills to think this is "funny" but
lacking
the intuitive scar tissue that lets you see where it's ALL TOO REAL,
then
your naked, tame soul risks getting SCALDED by the white-hot Truth of
"Bob." If you THINK you're a Christian, but AREN'T, then you're going
to
see DEMONS in this book. Your belief system is paranoid, so it whips
up
reasons for paranoia.
You see what you want to see.
So you have to pay to know what you think. You pay Them.
They've got you so closed off from what you're REALLY SEEING, and have
made your most instinctive hopes and desires seem so "impossible" or
"impractical" in the quote "real world" unquote, that you're still
looking
where they're pointing rather than just looking around. You can SEE
what
CAN lie ahead if you'll just slow down.
Don't pay them to know what you really think. Pay "Bob." It's much
cheaper. Besides, you owe "Bob" a living. But then, the entire WORLD
owes
YOU a living. YOU ARE OWED SLACK.
YEAH BUT...
Right. You want to know, "JUST EXACTLY WHAT IS THIS CHURCH OF THE
SUBGENIUS?" That question is asked a thousand times a day, every day,
some-
where. And it's a good thing, because that's the most pertinent
question
to ask in this modern age.
There is no description. Words do not suffice; one must "SEE." We let
you see a little at a time until you are led gradually to TOTAL
CLARITY.
It is the Nameless Mission[3]. The true mission is always nameless.
To name
it is to doom it....and alert the enemy.
THE SUBGENIUS MUST HAVE SLACK!
But as the million-legged Church crawls around inside your cranium,
there is one point it keeps returning to. It the the very point of
the
Church. The point is "Bob."
"Bob" is, was, and ever shall, "Bob" is you, "Bob" is me, "Bob" is the
Kama Sutra, the Id, the light that glows in the heart and mind of
EVERY
free-thinking SubGenius. And "Bob" is a man.
It's "Bob."
It always comes down to that.
Because "Bob" is SLACK.
And SLACK is what you want. SLACK is what you need. As the Pope of
All New York[4] told the multitudes,
"With the FULLNESS of Slack a CHANGE will come;
Slackness will ENTER your life, Slackness will MAKE YOU SEE,
Slackness will SET YOU FREE!
Slackness IS! Slackness LIVES,
Slackness WAITS FOR YOU and YEAH! send $20."
Slack is what was taken away; Slack is what "Bob" gives BACK.
That's as simple as we can ever make it. From here it just spirals
off into stormier and stormier complications but in the MIDST of that
storm
there are two anchors you can always get back to, and those "Bob" and
Slack.
Now, you do not just sit and wait for Slack. You do not "work" at it
either. This is an exact science of ways to achieve Slack through
"seeing."
You will be taught by someone you can trust completely. By "Bob."
The fact that you have gotten this far - procuring this Book -
indicates
that you haven't been completely "asleep." You haven't been totally
taken
in by Them. Not yet.
But they can still trick you. As bait they feed you too much of the
wrong kind of Slack - the FALSE SLACK of The Conspiracy.
The "Conspiracy" is Them. It was They who took away your real Slack.
THEM.
YOU are not one of Them, and never were, not even when They made you
want to be. In fact, that's why They wanted your Slack. It's why you
had
Slack in the first place.
They did manage to steal most of your Slack. But they obviously
haven't
got it all, and they haven't got "Bob," and as long as there is ONE
FREE
MAN among us their system cannot be complete, because it is by nature
a
closed system, and if we can keep their system incomplete, it will
close
down of its own accord. By Their own Law. Their Law of Normalcy.
Yes. They wanted you to at least want to be "Normal." Well, you may
look normal. You may Act normal. But you aren't normal. YOU JUST
AREN'T
NORMAL.
And it is the POWER of your abnormality that saves you, that causes
their system not to have a place for you, that makes you a SubGenius.
The Conspiracy system burns humans as fuel. SubGeniuses aren't humans.
They gum up the works.
If you're a human, you've read too far. CLOSE THE BOOK!
"There's a whole market, a type of person there's no word for. I want
'SubGenius' to be that word."
-- "Bob" on Board Room Tape Number 668, verse 17.
You may have heard the term "SubGenius" sometime before, but you
might
not be able to quite put your finger on it - almost as if it were some
dim racial memory, some archetype from neanderthal times. That may
very
well be the case.
Now, the Church was not founded until 1953. And it was 1979 before
Dobbs created The SubGenius Foundation as a vehicle to bring the
teachings
to the public. But SubGeniuses have always existed... even before
Dobbs.
In all the cradles of civilization - Sumeria, Egypt, Atlantis - clues
have been found which prove the existence of the Conspiracy and of the
SubGenii who fought to subdue it.[5]
The wisdom of those ancient SubGeniuses was never lost. Carried down
by secret oral traditions, it lies latent in many living people,
waiting
only to be triggered by the Abnormality Revolution. perhaps, even as
you
read this, you can feel those ancestral powers and arcane memories
surging
up from within your dankest brain gutters.
Ask yourself - don't you feel different at this exact moment than you
ever did before? Isn't it because you feel some vague but momentous
force
emanating from this very piece of paper?
You didn't just wander into a bookstore and happen to notice this
Book.
You were led to us, and we to you, by powers much greater than Man,
and
yet, seemingly, more random than Fate. But the ways of the great
Manip-
ulator in Space, Jehovah-1, only appear random. YES! Our paths crossed
because it was planned - plotted out aeons ago, by alien minds more
bizarre than your wildest nightmares, as part of a "WorkNet:" a cosmic
scheme woven into such a complex web that not just human history, but
the
fabric of cause-and-effect themselves was disrupted. FACE IT - the
very
fact of your eyes moving across this page at this moment is
inevitably
and subatomically decreed. You are locked into the machinations of a
Cosmic Puppeteer who works your strings so skillfully you never knew
they
were there.
UNTIL NOW! The Church can't cut your strings - you wouldn't want us
to,
if you knew what they can mean for you - but we can show you where
the
strings are attached and how to 'sync up' with the Puppeteer...how to
stay one jump ahead of the other puppets by assisting the Puppet
Master:
by following the Path of Least Resistance.
Remember, Jehovah-1 - or Wotan, or Shiva, or whatever you want to call
Him - is not God. He might as well be, as far as we're concerned,
because
he has powers of creation and destruction that Man has mistakenly
associated with God throughout history. He is merely a bit player in
this
vast Movie which God is apparently leaving unedited. Nevertheless, His
galactic goals - it makes no difference what they are - can be
achieved
sooner if He hones a few special tools to aid in the task. As the
trance
dictation of Dobbs tells us, SubGeniuses are those tools, and Jehovah-
1
needs our help.
In return, we Chosen are rewarded with Slack as He tips the scales of
cause-and-effect in our favor. Indeed, WOTAN-1 can "cheat" your Karma
for you, much like a tax expert greases your way through the I.R.S.
You
can beat the system if you have the right connections. The space god
can
literally make coincidents and accidents happen to favor you. Think
what
this means in the areas of love, sex, finances, and social standing.
It isn't WHAT you know, it WHO you know. "Luck" simply means being in
the
right place at the right time. If you pay Him enough lip service,
JHVH-1
can 'fix it' so that you will constantly find yourself stumbling into
that
right place at just the right time. This "deal" is called The
Covenant.
HOLISTIC HEROIN -- PERFECTLY LEGAL!
SOUNDS CRAZY?YOU BET. The early Christians sounded so crazy to the
Romans they were used as lion fodder. Modern-day Christians seem to
have
forgotten that; plenty of them would like to see us thrown to the
bull-
dozers. Oh, sure, we blaspheme like crazy against the gods. But that's
exactly Why this is the first religious text in history that doesn't
take "the Lord's Name" in vain. For once, there's a reason. GOD
HIMSELF
CUSSES!! He's MAD! He's being falsely represented on Earth! Jehovah-
1's
pretentions would be bad enough, but now all these human preachers
have
gotten into the act, doling out notions of "right" and "wrong" as if
their peabrains could even BEGIN to sort such things out. They've
cornered
the market and set things up so that enlightenment in Their churches
consists of four basic stages, each more torturous than the last, and
when some poor devil finally does get Illuminated he just reenters the
world and goes back to basically normal behavior.
SubGeniuses are Born enlightened and so may remain in the world
"acting
normal" (it's all relative). They already KNOW the Big Secret of most
Mystery Schools: that "divine ecstasy" is arrived at just as easily
with
a backrub, or a good screw, as it is through 20 years of ascetic self-
flogging in a cave - at least, AS LONG AS THERE IS SLACK.
By now, the average False Christian reader will assume that this whole
Church is the Devil's work. But we're much too unpopular for the
Devil.
He's strictly big time and doesn't mess with marked underdogs like
us. He
uses those already in seats of power. The power of the SubGenius is
that WE
DON'T NEED POWER. We don't even need brains. We have "Bob," we have a
deal with JHVH-1, we have our own capacity to blunder creatively.
We're too
disorganized for the Devil. If he's anywhere, he's where you least
expect
him.
We may attack your beliefs. But only those who believe blindly,
greedily,
or half-heartedly will be bothered by our brand of mockery. To
question
their beliefs threatens them; it makes a secret part of them ashamed,
and
they get riled up and start smiting.
Of course, SHEER STUPID HATE isn't the only thing that keeps people
away
from the SubGenius Church. You may simply have more important things
to
spend your time and money on - things like albums, going to the
movies,
a new tape deck for your car - things you'd much rather possess than,
oh ,
say, life after death, reincarnality, psychic powers, immortality,
invisib-
ility, nirvana, communication with Higher Intelligences, SLACK, and
so on.
If those things are meaningless to you, by all means, just give this
Book
to someone else. We're sorry you even bothered.
You see, we're not trying to sell this to everybody. There are many we
don't want, and there are plenty we can't save because it's too late.
Hard-
sell recruitment for this Church is too much trouble to bother with,
because by definition True SubGenii are not "Joiners." They're
rightfully
suspicious of herds. They don't want to be "members" of any
organization.
It's a miracle that we've gotten this far. Between the cult's tendency
towards secrecy and the one Law that the laws change from minute to
minute,
it's not surprising that there's no man-on-the-street soliciting and
proselytizing. Even our biggest revivals are spur-of-the-moment,
bacchan-
alian brawl-party affairs. The Telephone is used far more than the
altar.
CAN'T QUITE PUT YOUR FINGER ON IT? Well, divine obfuscation has a
purpose.
"In order to experience this correctly, you have to be smarter
than your normal self. In order to become that way you must first
experience this correctly. Thus we screen out those False Prophets
who would be wrongly Illuminated. The knowledge must not be
abused." -- Iwade Stanglings, 1891
Wotan works in mysterious ways, and this serves to keep the unattuned
of His business. The only way you're going to get truly,
metaphysically
high off this material is to snort BETWEEN the lines. (But what you
read
between the lines must be taken Literally. DO NOT read your own
message
into it. There is only One True Interpretation."
"BOB" IS NOT A FAN CLUB
Most people totally misunderstand the term "SubGenius." Look at the
word. What does it mean?
It means NOTHING! It's utterly ambiguous. All-purpose. It sure as hell
doesn't mean "just below genius level." To "Bob" and his mighty
friends
in The Council of None, one happy idiot is worth far more than ten A-
Bomb
inventing geniuses. We throw most so-called "geniuses" OUT. They're
too
nervous, they take themselves too seriously, they're Snide. They do
not
truly 'know' Slack.
Praise "Bob," there are as many idiot SubGenii as "smart" ones. Most
prevalent, however, are smart-asses. It isn't brains, but an
intuitive,
anti-Pink, anti-cute Attitude Mutation. The Conspiracy has proved
that you
can have "high intelligence" but still not be able to Think.
No, yes, SubGeniuses are merely The Chosen People - the class which
cannot be classified, those who are different not only from others
but from
Each other. If any two are the same, ONE MUST GO! We band together
only for
strength, and only temporarily. The Conspiracy used to KILL people
who
displayed Subgenius traits. Thanks to the countless martyred evo-and
dev-
olution cults that paved the way, nowadays you're merely penalized
finan-
cially, socially, and sexually for weirdness. But at least we can
come out
and admit that there are people mutating ahead, and they are US; and,
because mutation is so unpredictable, there will inevitably be
unguessed
other steps Beyond SubGenius... but only if WE fulfill our genetic
DESTINY.
Ultimately, it isn't Smart Vs. Stupid or Cool Vs. Uncool, but The Good
Guys Vs. The Bad Guys. The free men against the robber barons.
Franken-
stein's Monster against the Villagers. Of course, it's our definition
of
"Good Guys," so if we aren't careful we'll end up as a bunch of
Hitlers
instead of Robin Hoods.
So BEWARE - THERE MUST BE NO STEREOTYPES. Not all SubGenii act and
look
wierd. Many must encase their Weird Thoughts inside a Guise of
Normalcy
just to survive and infiltrate. Why, some of the main Saints of the
Church
look just as pink as the day they were born. Some have had to become
so
intensely, weirdly "normal" that they come full circle to achieve High
Unpredictability, ripping their hearts out for "Bob" and stomping
them into
the floor, kicking the remnants off their bloody boots so that they
can do
the same to a million unsuspecting Con-Dupes. AIIEEEE!
?SEE HOW EASY IT IS?
The ones to be avoided - yet the hardest to get rid of - are those who
behave as weirdly as possible but are really insecure closet Normals,
doing
it only for attention from the opposite sex or something equally
inconseq-
uential. SubGeniuses are not just the super-cool. Why, EVEN
CHRISTIANS can
be SubGeniuses, believe it or not. "Wide-open-minded" sure doesn't
mean
Punk or "New Wave" or Liberal; that's all fashion slavery financed by
Them.
The hippies were easy enough to buy. They sold their cultural fringe
to the
Normals cheap! And soon the norms will consider us fashionable.
That's why
we owe NO loyalty to Right Wave, New Wing, or anyone else. We must
trans-
cend style through nonstop style metamorphosis. The Sub-subculture
must
always be one step beyond cool.
You think that's easy? Although the publishings of this Book is a key
event in Dobbs Prophecy leading to a tumping of the Con's
Foundations, it
nevertheless will produce the first sickening wave of "Token
SubGeniuses"
or "Bobbies." You will see "Bob" bumberstickers and T-shirts on the
cars
and torsos of Pink Boys. As Dobbs said in a letter to L. Ron Hubbard,
"Sure, they're Pink, but their money is green." Still, this means
that the
Real Church of the SubGenius will always remain a secret society.
There
will always be that massive public face, but when the time comes the
true
cult will disappear and come back under another name.
The problem is that although Abnormals are the only truly "free"
bipeds,
they often don't know just how FREE THEY ARE. They take it for
granted too
easily; they fall into ruts. Being of "Bob" doesn't mean you have to
identify with a guy with a pipe and a shit-eating "I know more than
you do"
dog-grin all over his homogenized face. In fact, if you aren't
already
sick and tired of the buzzwords "Slack," "Pinks," and, yes, even
"Bob,"
they by god YOU have a PROBLEM and had better start looking for a new
escape route.
While this pith-ridden religion may be perfect for quote-heavy persons
like college students, it's risky for them too. It can turn whole
tribes
of them into dogma-replaying assholes. Ask yourself: did you buy this
book
because of fear of group pressure? if so, STOP READING NOW. You will
injure
yourself with this material; you'll use it as a high-faluting excuse
to
become infantile to the point of senility. We KNOW the power of the
Dobbs.
We've seen it happen, All Too Often.
A major secret that "Bob" learned from the Conspiracy is that deep
down
inside, everyone, even the SubGenius, craves authority. It's from
having
Parents. But a SubGenius shortcircuits this urge. He appoints himself
Pope
or Raja or something, and he believes it. But it's easy to fake that
belief, even to yourself.
Therefore, in his Church our "Bob" has included many built-in
Alienation
Devices to prevent false Pink interpretation while encouraging the
real,
down home SubGenii to start their own damn religions. "Bob" is not a
fan
club. The Teachings constantly contradict each other and yet remain
equally
true and false. Dobbs makes outright worship impossible by suddenly,
unex-
pectedly changing the basic dogma just to forcibly "disconnect" the
mind-
less zombie-in-a-rut. The confusing Church deliberately pulls the rug
from
under the preconceptions of "Follower" types, thus separating the
wheat
from the chaff. It uses Shock Value; we're often, praise Dobbs, too
sardonic for those smug hip ones who thought they were already as
sardonic
as you can get.
The sacred rule of "KILL BOB" and the related doctrine of "OR KILL
ME"[6]
are two of the main built-in fuse breakers designed to prevent the
ego-
overloading that eventually gelds other faiths. They are reminders of
the
Church's promise that it will, in the long run, accept NO SUBSTITUTE
FOR
SLACK.
There is a Hierarchy of various flamboyant characters in the upper
echelons of the Church, which, despite your liberal programming, is
how
it should be. However, thank God, "Bob" is the only real "star." In
this
society, stardom destroys. It subverts and it waters down. But "Bob"
is
immune to that, which is why he is so incomprehensibly important. He
gave his precious obscurity for his charismatic but susceptible
Priesthood,
to deliver them from temptation.
Thus you are ON YOUR OWN. It's between you and "Bob." Just remember,
this is the religion that canonizes, bribes, and enslackens its most
REBELLIOUS HERETICS and CHEATS those who presume to be its most
DEVOTED
MONKS. Those who 'Kill "Bob" ' always return to the fold triumphant,
CHANGED from pupils to Teachers.
We can't stop ninnies from buying the Word of Dobbs, nor can we
prevent
you from spreading a watered-down version of yourself in our name.
All we
can do is warn you: DON'T BE A "BOBBIE." The curse will fall on YOU.
As
Rev. Emile O'Day told the poor wretch who lay in the hospital bed with
radiation burns from trying to smoke the True Pipe, "A little
Dobbs'll do
you."
Yes, the love of "Bob" can kill Normals. "Bob" is too good for them...
and baaaad for them. (For this reason we urge you not to leave this
Book
lying around your house for the uninitiated to see, unless of course,
you
have mastered the impossible art of "explaining" the Church and are
eager
to challenge the diseased, superstitious world. Because of the
potentially
dangerous Power Shell that each copy of The Book possesses, we
suggest you
keep it in the most holy and private sanctuary in your home, which is
usually the Chamber of Excremeditation or bathroom. There, at the
Throne of
your own Holy of Holies, you and the Spirit of "Bob" can be alone
together,
safe from Conspiracy distractions.)
Once the wrong kind of person gets into the Church, it's torturous
business getting them out. The power of SubGenius is unarguable, and
they
keep coming back for more and more not matter how much we abuse and
humil-
iation we heap on them. Anyone who gets heavily into the cult finds
his
Luck Plane suddenly leaping out at him. And the coincidence level...
"Bob"
is everywhere, friend, and at times it can be weird. Once an entire,
all-
new Church Pamphlet jus materialized in the dead of night, burned
right
onto the plates of the printing press; the machine turned itself on
and
in the morning we found 10,000 new booklets sitting there along with
the
glowing heel of "Bob's" shoe.
Obviously you don't want irresponsible people tangling with such
forces.
So how does one know? How can one tell whether his friends are ready
to walk the Path of "Bob?" Surely not just by the Dobbs T-shirts they
wear...
If you yourself are Pink, you'll never really be able to tell. But if
you are a true Child of "Bob," you'll soon be able to 'whiffread' or
intuit
whether another is for real or not by his...by his...Well, there's no
human
word that describes the 'personality-within-a-personality' as the
SubGenius
recognizes it.
"If you haven't been there, I can't tell you how to get there.
But you have been there, I can show you how to stay there."
-- Dobbs, in 1965 Sales Lecture
One does not 'become' a SubGenius. If you haven't already been
liberated
from false sanity, you never will be.
If this begins to sound like empty promises, it's because you have no
faith. You are of this faithless generation that demands proof of
miracles.
Oh, look to your heart, friend. Is that not the only source of truth
for
you? Can you not see the glowing core of Bulldada that shines within
each latent SubGenius, just waiting for the right stimulus to
EXPLODE?
To offer "proof" would be to insult the Isness of "Bob;" indeed, con-
crete evidence would deny you the great Test of Faith that "Bob"
demands.
If you believe, it will work. If you secretly scoff, it will fail you
- or,
rather, you will fail the universe. Those who demand logical,
scientific
proof of Dobbs' good-luck power will never understand. They are
permanently
"asleep." We call them "Gimme-Bobs" and the True SubGenius can have
no pity
on them (particularly because they are the least likely to donate
money
to the Church). Ours is a ferocity of faith that can move spoons or
bend
mountains, depending on the degree of developed fanaticism.
Yes, to some extent this is like deliberately going insane. So what?
That's what all gurus, followers, hobbyists, drug users and other
seekers
are after. HELL, the reason "Bob's" Sacred Luck works is because it is
crazy. This is magic - REAL MAGIC.
Proof? We'll let others provide that. Two years from now, you'll be
trying to escape those who would burn your off yabbering their rapid-
fire
tales of miracles since they "found Dobbs." (Actually, no one find
Dobbs;
Dobbs himself does the selecting. If you are not born naturally Of
"Bob"
then your ignorance is permanent. It's the indefinable, ineffable
Essence
of the Eitherness of The Dobbs.)
If you have not faith, it is because you don't own yourself.
You let someone else decide how you're going to get screwed.
Decide for yourself how you're going to get screwed.
If, because we seem to preach that everyone is going to get screwed
no matter what, we seem like total cynics to you, you're WAY OFF. If
we
were that cynical, do you think we would put our literal asses on the
line, dangling our "sins" in front of the Conspiracy? We wouldn't do
it if
we didn't think there was HOPE. We know America is still worth saving.
We know enough people out there will understand this to make us rich.
When the Xists arrive in their illusory ships of light, and after the
3rd, 4th, and 5th Comings, this planet will no longer belong to the
humans
OR the SubGeniuses. That puts this beyond politics and religion; it
points
out that an entire mind-set has to be erased.
Idiots think that politics can supply an answer. Bullshit. Politics
are
abstract constructions: false, oversimplified coloring-book versions
of
life. They can't have any effective bearing on your concrete daily
grind;
they're just different ways of looking at the same things. We want to
stop
looking at those things entirely. They've become sterile and
ineffectual
because they long ago became rote activity conditioned into a society
that
was moving too fast for its own good. We're like the wheels of a
bogged-
down car, spinning deeper and deeper into the mud as our panic at
finding
ourselves stuck increases. To get OUT, we must SLOW DOWN. If we calm
our-
selves, step out of the car and look around for some old, flat rock
that
just happens to make a perfect ramp for wheels, we can stick that
sucker
down there, climb back in, and gently rock the car back and forth
until we
pop right out of the rut.
Thanks to aeons-tested Conspiracy False Slack programs, however, most
people, when faced with trouble, spend more of their time abjectly
staring
at the problem instead of looking away from it for the obvious
solutions
that are everywhere. Now, we can't do anything about people who are
born
without imagination. But we can sure as hell KICK ASS on those who
are just
too lazy - or too harried - to use it. They're sitting there, letting
their
most precious quality rot when they should be sitting there pumping
iron
with it. GOOD GOD, it's not like we're asking them to get up. We just
don't
want "getting up" to be outlawed.
We don't need to know what kind of government we'll replace the Consp-
iracy with. Our forefathers fought for independence first and then
sat
down to figure out exactly what the "United States" was going to be.
In
their primitive way, they tried to opt for less government. We should
know
by now that the next step is NO GOVERNMENT except by the laws of
SLACK.
(Coninfiltrated 'Anarchist' political groups are STILL POLITICAL.)
Politics
is a dead end. Don't revise the rule book - throw it out.
A couple of decades back, we'd have been hung for saying things like
that. But today, in the 1980's, we'll make a million dollars off of
it.
That, perhaps as much as anything else, indicates the depths to which
this nation has sunk.
This is a crooked and perverse nation, friend. People are more
worried
about the economy than ecology. JESUS! The lack of money makes life
diff-
icult alright, but the presence of radiation and deathkulture
chemicals
is the very antithesis of life itself... and people run around
arguing
about the price of god damn pantyhose.
One thing we MUST prevent, therefore, is letting the Church become a
soporific, a "drug" that lets us accept the death of all life on
Earth.
Yeah, THAT'S funny, HA HA! This better not become some god-awful End
Times
PORN for those who can only "get off" on fear-and-laughter. The Church
should make it easier to conceive of the humans' inconceivable threat
to themselves, but ONLY IF THAT MAKES US DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT.
THAT is the whole point.
Our twisted Hell Shit that tall those poor saps send off a dollar for
has to do more than merely put an uglier slant on what started out
ugly
enough. SLACK? YEAH, you'll laugh all the way to the fully-equipped
survival shelter when "Bob" lets you in on the joke.
"Bob" can handle the Aliens, but we must police ourselves.
For: LOOK what the Conspiracy has done to 95% of our heroes, your
religious leaders, your rock stars, all your once-faves. It has taken
them and hammered them into the ground with promotion and money they
know
not how to spend; it broils their brains in TV lights and saps from
them
all time needed for their true calling while turning them into mere
self-
parodies. It starts with the leader and from there infects the
hierarchy,
then the followers...ultimately, the planet itself.
EEEYAH! Oh "Bob" we now pray to know what we really think and that you
prevent us from turning your sweet name into some jargon-infested in-
joke.
Spare us thy servants from, uh, complete temptation and deliver us
from
Pop Acceptance yet somehow let us keep turning a profit that we
continue
to SPREAD THEY SEED IN RIGHTEOUSNESS.
Amen. Without Remorse.
-- PRAISE "BOB" (rev.ganja man@subgenious.com), September 25, 1999.