Do you do things you wouldn't normally do just so that people think you're a good person?

-- Anonymous, September 23, 1999

Answers

oh god! i do this all_the_time. i'll go out of my way to make sure it's easy or comfortable for someone else, even if i'm in going out of my mind! wouldn't want that complete stranger i'll never see again as long as i live thinking i'm not a nice person!

you ever have someone bump into you - and YOU apologize? like why is it your job to say "oh sorry, didn't mean to be standing in your way as you shoved rudely through the crowd" or when someone steps on your foot "oh my did i leave my foot in your way? right beside that big empty spot? i am SO sorry! here let me move that for you..." yeah. that's me.

i'm trying to be more assertive lately, especially in traffic - but it mainly consists of waving at people who in cut in front of me without signalling. they tend to hunch their shoulders and look in the review mirror a lot for a mile or so. or i smile like an idiot and give'em a thumbs up. they hate that. it's like positive reinforcment for asshole behaviour and really gets the point across. better then getting pissy.

but if someone cuts in front of me in a line, i'm still like "oh whatever, like it's life or death." but can i cut in a line? are you kidding? that is SO RUDE!

-- Anonymous, September 23, 1999

Yes I am. Thanks for asking.

-- Anonymous, September 23, 1999

Once I got a rotten baked potato at Wendy's. I went back up to the counter to get another one, and waited behind this bitchy woman having a fit about not enough pickles on her burger or something. She really gave the kids working there a hard time, and then the manager made them look like idiots just to shut her up, so I didn't have the heart to walk up and make their day worse. I went back to my table, dumped the bad tater in the trash on the way, and told the friend I was there with that I wasn't that hungry anyway. I think she called me a wimp.

I am a total line martyr. I can walk up to a line obviously before someone else, and if they bully their way in front of me I just smile and timidly give them some room. I wish I had a nickel for every time I have said, "No, really, you go ahead." I never get antsy or sigh when things are taking a long time, even if I am in terrible hurry, because I don't want strangers to think I'm a huffy type person.

I have allowed people to walk all over me, to the point where calling me a doormat would be an understatement, all because I loathe confrontation. I can't say no to the question, "Will you do me a favor?" I should first ask them what the favor is before commiting, but instead I always blurt out, "Sure!" My husband thinks I am the biggest pushover who ever lived.

If someone shits on me, I usually keep my mouth shut and let things blow over, rather than make waves. I have told people that I adored presents that really I hated which only results in more horrible presents later, but I can only blame myself for that, and the thought really is what matters to me anyway. And I won't give up the horrible gift either. I hang on to things like that for years, no matter how trivial, no matter how much they should be thrown in the trash, simply because someone picked it out just for me, and I think it would be mean to get rid of it.

I have often been told that I am too nice, but only when I am obviously being taken advantage of and everyone can see it. They think I am blind to it, but I'm not, I just don't mind really. I would rather be too nice than mean. And the few times I have ever tried to be a meanie like people that I encounter everyday, it has backfired and made me feel terrible. So, I think I'll just stick to being extra nice and hope that what comes around really does go around.

-- Anonymous, September 23, 1999

I almost forgot - prime example: I was living with two female roomies at the time, and we all were doing our share of staying out all night, partying, whatever. We never really knew when the others would be home or not, but I always respected their things when they were gone. Anyway, I had been out one night, came home around 2:00 a.m., found that the chain lock was in place and couldn't get in. I had to bang on the door for 20 minutes before one roomie came down, obviously pissed. She unlocked the door without a word, and stormed back up the stairs, so I whispered to her, "Sorry!" For what? Coming home? I dunno, but for some reason I truly WAS sorry. I went up to my room, found the door shut (?), opened it and turned on the light to find a guy and a girl in my bed, all cuddly and sleeping. I did not know these people. They started to blink and squint at me like, "Turn the fucking light off, bitch!" so I again whispered, "Sorry!", turned off the light and shut the door behind me. I decided to sleep on the sofa downstairs, and went to brush my teeth first and found that my toothbrush was wet. Who the hell had used my toothbrush? Downstairs there were about 30 half-full margarita glasses on the coffee table, all of which contained the butts of cigarettes that were put out in the margaritas instead of the ashtray beside them. They smelled awful, and the stench was preventing me from sleep, which I needed because I had to be at work in 6 hours. I heard someone upstairs run down the hall to the bathroom, and start retching violently. That was it. I left, went to my mother's house to catch 40 winks, and came back to shower and change for work. It was then that I saw my roomie again who said, when I asked her why naked people were sleeping in my bed, "I didn't think you were coming home last night, so I said they could crash in there." As for who used my toothbrush, I will never know for sure. My reaction to all of this? I shrugged and said, "Oh, that's okay!"

-- Anonymous, September 23, 1999

Oh, Lisa, that's horrible. :) *giggle*

It reminded me of my freshman year of college...I somehow managed to get placed in the "party dorm," and my room was right between the TV lounge and the loudest party room on the floor. One night, my best friend from high school was visiting, and my roommate decided to throw a party while we were out for the evening; we came back and found beer spilled all over the paper I had been working on, candle wax all over my friend's suitcase/clothes, and cigarette burn holes in my registration card for that semester. The next day, when I took my water bottle out of the fridge, I found that someone had nicely replaced my water with straight gin (that was a shocker when I took the big gulp). I don't think I ever said anything to my roommate.

My neighbor, the party-man, borrowed my TV-VCR early in the semester, and promptly lost the remote control and broke part of the VCR...it took me 2 years to get up enough courage to finally confront him and demand reimbursement for it.

Every night, people would gather in the TV lounge and *scream* at the television...I'm a really light sleeper, and this would keep me awake all night, but I was too much of a weenie to actually yell at anyone. At one point in the semester, however, my then-boyfriend was staying over, and he couldn't sleep because of it either...he was sick at the time, and so he just stormed into the lounge in his PJs, and announced, "I have mono, and I'm *trying* to sleep in carolyn's room, but because of you all, I *can't*...so I'm going to cough on *you*, and I'm going to cough on *you*, and *you*..." etc. Apparently, he really did lean up into each person's face and threaten to cough until they promised they'd shut up. I was pretty impressed by this tactic. :)

Incidentally, I've become a lot bitchier since then. ;)

-- Anonymous, September 23, 1999

...okay, i was about to say that i was "too nice," but then i read lisa's entry...man...lisa, i don't even know you, and i want to pop your roomie one right in the kisser...

...maybe i should just lay off the caffine and focus my work angst elsewhere...

...umm...i can be nice...

-- Anonymous, September 23, 1999

Allow me to speak out on behalf of nice people and against the anti-nice backlash. I may be a bitch online, but in real life, I'm neurotically nice, as my ex boyfriend put it. I would have apologized to that hairdresser for getting my scalp in the way of her fingernails, okay? I had almost the exact thing happen to me with roommates that happened to Lisa, except it was two different occurrences -- one, the time I got locked out (and I didn't want to wake them even though it was their fault, so I walked to a pay phone -- at 2:30 a.m. in Los Angeles -- and called my boyfriend), and two, the time I found naked people in my bedroom on a night before a final exam. (I slept in the other room, and apologized.)

So clearly a few of us are going overboard, but let's cut ourselves a break in a few areas:

1. The world does not need more road ragers. If you occasionally apologize to the person who cut you off, well, at least you haven't killed anyone.

2. Likewise, the world does need any more huffy people getting pissed off because they have to wait in the same line that everyone else is waiting in. Same goes for people having conniptions about bad service; shit happens, everyone has an off day at their job, and unless you work a customer service job, you probably don't get yelled at for your off days. I don't understand why poorly paid customer service people are the lucky ones who get to be yelled at for every screw up.

3. The world definitely does not need more ungrateful, spoiled brats who can't work up the courtesy to act pleased when someone gives them a gift they don't happen to like. If it's a gift, that means you didn't pay for it and they gave it to you out of the kindness of their hearts, and they didn't have to. So buck up and say thank you, damn it, because it isn't going to kill you.

So nice girls, if we just remember not to be passive aggressive, and to occasionally pipe up and say, "Ow! You're hurting me!" or "Excuse me, but this isn't what I ordered," or "You know, sir, you're the one who cut me off, so please don't say those things about my mother," we can keep making the world a happier place, and we can keep being nice.

-- Anonymous, September 23, 1999

Hell no, i'm not too nice, i grew up in Boston. I'm a dick. At least in my car.

A couple of my friends came up to me one time and told me that they were stopped at a 4-way stop, and they saw that the person on the other side of the intersection making a left-hand turn in front of them was me. So, they're all "hey look, it's Paul!" and my friend who was driving honks his horn. And what did i do? Without even turning my head to see who it was or why they were honking, i gave them the finger.

-- Anonymous, September 23, 1999

Yes, I've read the responses so far, and I have to say that these all sound like things I would do. Have you ever gone so far in trying to be nice that you push things too far? Like, you see someone with a couple of bags and offer to carry them, and then end up walking halfway across town, becoming hopelessly late for the thing you ventured out into the world for in the first place. And you realize that this has gone further than "neighborly niceness" to "obsessive friendliness." Every person you see glance at you becomes someone staring at your absurd behaviour, and you feel your face redden. Sometimes I just wish I was like most of the people who ask me for a favor, and not think about other people so much. Ahhhhh, thanks for letting me vent.

-- Anonymous, September 23, 1999

I'm not too nice- I'm just nice enough. I'm nice enough to overtip at a restaurant, especially if the server is looking exhausted, just to make up for the assholes who undertip. I'm nice enough to get up to open the door for both men and women, especially at the laundromat because you always have your arms full and the doors there are really heavy (but if you see that someone is holding a door for you, please go through it instead of stopping to have a conversation with your friend. I'm nice enough not to say anything, but I have places to go, too.) I'm nice enough to drive around a town I'm not familiar with for 3 hours looking for a restaurant my vegan girlfriend can eat at without complaint, and not get impatient with HER complaining about the lack of vegan options in Texas. I let other people go in front of me in a line, I let cars go first if I'm crossing a street on foot, I try to time my bathroom breaks at work so that I'm not leaving my co-workers handling most of the work, I never park in the bike lane. I just always try to remember that everyone else is just as important as I and they have things they need and want, too.

But it doesn't always work. Sometimes I have road rage; usually because other people aren't being courteous, like the jerks who drive in the breakdown lane during a traffic jam or the people who don't move over or slow down when an ambulance comes by. Sometimes I get cranky and I expect a little courtesy, dammit. And when that happens, look out. Because if you make the mistake of trying to toilet paper my house because you're all drunk and think it'll be funny to do to my roommate and then pound on the door at 4am to get someone to come out and think they'll have a funny reaction, don't be surprised when I chase you down the street in my underwear with a sword shouting obscenities and threatening to shoot you if you ever come back. I will: not because I'm mean, I just have a cold.

-- Anonymous, September 24, 1999

no, I am not.

I am nice, just not too nice. I too overtip food servers, especially if I hear other tables being rude. I try not to road rage. I hold the door open for people walking in behind me. I take care of my in-laws fucking dogs when they are out of town. please.

But, there are times when I have to bring the bitch out. I can't stand when I have been standing in line forever and some ass and all his friends decide to cut in front.

One night me, my husband and some of our friends were standing in line at a bar. We had been standing in line for almost an hour, which was fine, except that every single girl with big hair and big boobs was getting in without having to wait. So I went to the guy at the front and yelled something about waiting for an hour and maybe if I was showing more tit I could get in and could I please see the manager. We all got in for free, and that includes everyone ahead of us in line.

There are times when not being too nice has definately worked to my advantage.

-- Anonymous, September 24, 1999

Are you kidding? I have a terminal case of "niceness". I should be in Niceoholics Anonymous. I'm calm, I'm collected, I don't like to make waves, I get out of the way of cars when I'm walking, I'm the long- suffering martyr, I'm the guy who drives the drunk home from the party, etc.

Then I reach a limit---and explode.

Very messy. Doubtless very unhealthy. But that's the way I am.--Al

-- Anonymous, September 24, 1999

I used to be too nice. Now I find myself getting less nice the older I get.

I used to have a girlfriend who liked to dump me on a regular basis. Trying to be a good guy, I always said I understood, and that I hoped we could still be friends and all that happy crappy...

The last time she broke up with me, she really ran my heart through the wringer. It's a long and involved story, but it was the first time I ever had someone all over me physically, and saying she didn't think we should see each other verbally.

FIve days later, she was heavily involved with someone. And I went nuts. I wasn't a nice guy then, let me tell you.

Hasn't talked to me since. Still...I ain't no nice guy anymore, and since I've gotten married and been quite happy.

-Marc

-- Anonymous, September 24, 1999

I am definately in that too nice untill I explode. Finding naked strangers in my bed would be the break point for me. I do, however, think that that guy chasing people with a sword excesively funny. And I hate being called "little girl"

-- Anonymous, September 25, 1999

I used to be too nice but I think Ive gotten over it. Yesterday at McDonalds, the server was getting ready to take an order from the next person in her line who had arrived after me and I crossed over from a different line and said: "Excuse me I believe I was next". The customer was all apologetic and so was the server, who was smiling at me and being very attentive while she took my order. I was being all big about it - "No thats okay you didn't know and blah blah blah". Later I'm thinking: you just violated a pretty well established routine. I mean, everybody knows once you pick a line at McDonalds youre pretty well stuck with it regardless of the order of arrival of people in other lines. Still the other people involved accepted my position at the time (Later they were probably thinking, "hey wait a minute...what the?... why I oughta...") The important thing is I didn't feel at all guilty about it. It seemed right to me - I mean I was there first. Guess that means I'm not too

-- Anonymous, September 26, 1999

Hell, yes. I am the "too-nice-est" person alive.

I forgive and forget too easily, and then get mad at myself after people - especially one stupid, idiotic, poor-excuse-for-an-Air-Force-officer, disgusting, perverted molester ex-boyfriend - when they walk all over me.

I'm also just a little too friendly to strangers and to people I barely know. Case in point - my friend and I went into Jimmy John's sub shop last night at about 1:30 in the morning. The guy behind the counter started asking me how school was and how my classes were going. We just stood there and talked to each other for like 5 minutes. Liz was like, "Do you know him?" I said, "Sort of... I come in here a couple times a month and we just talk about school and our hometowns and stuff." I have no idea what this guy's name is, but we know each other's life history. I like that personality trait, though.

-- Anonymous, September 26, 1999

Reading Marc's tale of woe in the heart department, I was reminded of one of the first times I stood up to a girl (what can I say, you scare me). She had also dumped me and wanted to get back together, but I had a girlfriend with whom I was very involved (for two 17 year olds). After a long period of her calling my mom pretending to be my girlfriend and saying she wanted to break up, obscene calls to my girlfriend's house, and getting a job at my weekend place of work, I finally agreed to talk to her. I was amazed with myself; to every statement of hers I responded with a coolly distant retort:

"Sometimes I don't know what to say" "Then don't say anything" "It's so uncomfortable when I see you at a party" "Then you should leave"

I tell ya, I was like Valmont-"It is beyond my control" Afterwards, I told my best friend about it. She gave me a big hug and said, "Congratulations, you're a bitch!"

-- Anonymous, September 28, 1999

God, do people walk all over me all the time. :o( I need therapy.

-- Anonymous, September 28, 1999

I usually do, but I've found it only compounds my daily stress to add how mad I am at someone for upsetting me. So I think of it this way: if it's gonna bother me later, or inconvenience me in any way, your gonna hear about it right then. That definitly includes getting locked out and people sleeping in MY bed. Even if I DO know them.

-- Anonymous, December 13, 1999

I was, but I'm getting better at being bitchy. It used to be, if someone ran right into me for no apparent reason, I was all, "No, no, it's my fault. I was asking for it, standing there, minding my own business and all." Now I try to be nasty to one deserving stranger a day. I don't promote being evil to the common passer-by, but once a day, be mean to someone who deserves it. Next week, we'll work on cutting people off in traffic.

-- Anonymous, March 03, 2000

Oh, I try to be nice, but I do have a threshold.

I try to tip well, especially when the waitperson's been very good or obviously had a bad night. I hold doors open for anyone. I let people into my lane in traffic.

But there are some things I can NOT tolerate. People who cut in lines, be it face to face or in traffic. Can't do much about traffic, but I have been known to step up to offenders, point back, and say, "the line begins THERE."

And one time, my husband and I made the mistake of trying to go to the mall at Christmas. We were patiently waiting for a car to back out of a space for us to get into it, but the cars behind us kept pulling around preventing the other person for leaving. Then one car pulled around and stopped in front of us, as if HE was going to take that space. We'd been waiting like 10-15 minutes already and I was fuming, so I jumped out of the car, stood in front of the one who cut in front of us, simultaneously blocking the other people trying to go around, waved the first car out, and waited until my husband parked our vehicle.

As for a roommate who trashed my stuff and let people into my bed (without asking)?! Hell, no, I'd *never* put up with that. But I would hold the door open as I kicked them out of the room. ;)

-- Anonymous, March 05, 2000

No, I'm definitely not too nice.

I do tend to tip well for decent service, as most waiters/waitresses make only half of minimum wage. Service has to be pretty lousy for me to undertip (or not tip at all). Most people working foodservice do so out of necessity, not choice.

Be that as it may, after six combined years in retail sales management and first- second- and third-tier tech support, I am the wrong person to piss off in a customer service situation (particularly retail). I have the well-deserved nickname of Customer Service Avenger. I know all the tricks, all the falsehoods, all the half-truths and secrets and all the ways to lie without technically lying. I know what you can and can't do, I know what the manufacturers will and will not accept, and I know how to get results. The words "I am very unhappy" can be a powerful tool, and tend to get results without pissing off anyone unneccesarily.

However. If you continue to make the same mistakes over and over, I lose my patience. Ignorance is tolerable, to a point. You have the tools to educate yourself, so use them. Incompetence is not forgivable.

If I have to make a third phone call, the gloves are off. I'm screaming. I'm yelling. I'm probably going to make you cry. I'm talking to your manager, and their manager, and everyone else to get things fixed. More than two phone calls and you lose the privilege of my politeness. Just ask the customer service departments of the local IKEA and Circuit City franchises, who all knew me immediately by the sound of my voice. Ask a notorious 'slamming' long distance provider. Ask AOL, who has finally taken me off their mailing lists.

-- Anonymous, March 07, 2000

Not that anyone will see this, as the topic was retired already--but I am a Recovering Nice Person.

I'm still NICE, I'm just less of a pushover. I still have a ways to go, as some of my friends are self-absorbed and selfish to the point where it affects me and other mutual friends and I don't usually confront them. (I avoid them and I avoid doing activities with them where I don't have my own car, etc., so I'm always free to choose to leave if they behave selfishly and inconvenience me without, like, driving home alone in disgust, stranding them, and thus being an inconsiderate selfish person myself.)

I no longer listen to telemarketers, I say "no thank you" immediately. I hang up when I hear those tell-tale long pauses after I say 'hello' or those "please stay on the line" recorded messages. Screw them.

I tip, and I frequently overtip, but I do not overtip for bad service. Bad service gets the bare minimum. I generally politely express my displeasure, and if it doesn't get fixed, that's bad service that will not be reqarded with a generous amount of compensation in addition to the basic bill.

I drive politely and cautiously. Have been in two accidents that weren't my fault, where the other driver was driving like a moron, not signalling, disobeying traffic rules, etc. Ergo, if I take a little extra time to make sure the road is clear, I have my reasons, okay? I will not run into you, either. I can't afford a car repair right now, so I will turn when it is damn well clear, not when I'll have to squeal my tires to make it across the intersection, and that only if the oncoming traffic slows down. If you honk at me, I will respond in a number of ways--ire, if I'm not doing anything wrong, and apology if I feel you have a point. I don't make rude gestures, but I do curse people out, even if I'm being impatient and in the wrong, because I know they can't hear me. I speed when traffic is light, but not when it's rush hour. I pause or stop for pedestrians (it's the law, here). I yield. I signal. I avoid tailgating.

I gripe when someone's irresponsibility inconveniences me, esp. if they are historically irresponsible. I don't fuss when they can't help it or if it is a rare event.

I wouldn't put up with being disrespected re: personal space/property. I'd raise holy hell right then and there. I.e., get the fuck out of my room, NOW, how dare you give me that evil eye like that--and one of you will help me make up my bed with fresh sheets NOW and the other will drop my newly-cootied sheets in the fucking washer on your way to the sofa or the curb, I don't give a shit which, damn it. BTW--who's going to buy me a new toothbrush RIGHT NOW or boil the bristles on this one?

That's more evil on your roommate's part, though, not theirs. I'm sure that if they were told it was okay, they had no idea you'd mind, and were indignant at being interrupted. I can't imagine giving someone permission to sleep in my roomate's room and to use her or his stuff, though. It's not my property or personal space to give access or permission FOR, damn it. How totally rude and wrong.

Lisa, we all want to kick her ass for you. Where do you live?

M

But I do apologize if someone bumps into me or steps on my foot. Not sure why.

-- Anonymous, June 02, 2000