Dear Billy,

I'm sorry I'm such a bad person. Here are some more bad people, too. We collectively want to say that we are sorry, and that we will try harder to be conquerors and follow the Tae-Bo way. We all know that you gave us the tool and we just have to have the will to take it to the next level. We will try not to suck so hard in the future.

Sincerely,

Pamie and the undersigned.

-- Anonymous, September 02, 1999

Answers

Dear Billy,

I will be a conqueror again. I will get back on that horse. But I just moved to New York, Billy. I don't have a VCR. Hell, I only have a 13-inch TV. You'd be tiny. I would call you Mini-Billy.

Give me some time. I'll be doing it double-time again, soon as I can.

Andy

-- Anonymous, September 02, 1999

Dear Billy,

What can I say? I am a bad person. It's been 3 whole weeks now and I am starting to miss you. I just don't miss you enough to get my ass out of bed at 5:20 a.m. every weekday morning. Not yet.

Send me some love, Billy, come to me in a dream so I can break myself out of this funk.

I am just one lazy beeotch - someone needs to give me a good roundhouse in the neck.

I love you, Billy, please forgive me.

-- Anonymous, September 02, 1999

Gee, Billy, it's not like I don't still love and admire you. I'm still a conquerer. It's just after the Advanced tape made me throw out my back, I've been avoiding you because the way you glare at me when I jog in place instead of doing what you tell everyone to do. I'll be back someday. I promise.

-- Anonymous, September 02, 1999

Dear Billy,

I am still a conquerer. I know you're givin' me all your love....all your heart. I know you're going to give me EVERYTHING I need for success, and that's why I haven't given up on you! I reached for my higher power! When I had to start screamin', I screamed! Since you weren't there to check me, I reached my hand back and touched my butt! I did everything that was good for my abs, and good for my...for my GLUTEUS.

So Billy, these are all a bunch of quitters, but not me! Don't believe Pam either! She went to New Orleans to binge on beer and jambalaya rather than stay in town to work out with you live! So get your nipple shirt warmed up, Billy, 'cause I'm gonna see you tonight!

Visualize! Vi-Vi-Vi-Visualize. Eric

-- Anonymous, September 02, 1999

Dear Billy,

I know we only just met, but I feel like I know you already. Which is why this is so hard to say.

I. can't. do. it. I'm a klutz. I fall down, I land on the dog, the dog cries, I throw him outside, I do a few more kicks, the dog barks, the neighbors complain, and everything just goes to hell.

So Billy, I'm real sorry it didn't work out between us, but there are other girls, girls without dogs. You'll find someone. Someone who'll appreciate you for you. It's not you, Billy, it's me. I'm going through some stuff right now, and it's not fair to make you go through it with me.

And maybe, you know, if the timing is right someday, we'll cross paths again. You take care of yourself, Billy.

-- Anonymous, September 02, 1999

Oh, man, I can't believe I just dumped Billy Blanks. He's going to kick my ass.

-- Anonymous, September 02, 1999

Dear Billy,
i - am - still - do -ing -your-tapes-

again we go

i -am-still - do -ing - your - tapes -

Again we go

But, like Beth, Animal Control is threatening to put my dog in foster care for animal abuse.

love,
the very sore and very tired stasi
again we go

-- Anonymous, September 03, 1999

Dear Billy,

I can't help it...I've started your tapes, but I just can't keep going. Like the others, I have a dog that wants to roundhouse kick with me, but I end up tripping over her and falling into the couch. When I get back up, to try again, only to see that you've moved onto something else. Please go slow for the beginners...until we can jab with the best of 'em!

I promise I'll try harder, but not until I can find a place without a laughing husband and an intrusive dog.

My deepest regrets-

-- Anonymous, September 03, 1999

Hey Billy!

I need you to round-house kick me and my friends back into our lunchtime routine. We were all sooo good for a while, then the soul of our group, MellieBee, left our mutual turd of an employer, and our group has been funking ever since. Send us some strength, Billy!

(finger point) "Are you ready?"

5..6..7..8 and....

-- Anonymous, September 03, 1999

Dear Billy, Although I'm sure you're aware of the situation, as you are always watching me even when you're back's turned (which, by the by, makes me a little uncomfortable in the bathroom), I haven't done Tae Bo in two weeks. Now, as you will recall, the first week I was out of town and I couldn't very well have asked the friends I was staying with to clear their living rooms so I could do swivel kicks without breaking anything. Then, I cut and bruised my foot on some coral at the beach, and I'm sure you don't want it to swell up again, do you? Plus, the roommate that did Tae Bo just moved out, and the other roommate wouldn't let me use his VCR. Never fear, Billy the all-seeing. I just bought a new VCR of my very own and the foot is healing very nicely, so I should be back on track in no time. Your Little Conqueror, andy

PS- I'm still very hurt that you cancelled your Austin appearance. I just want to shake your sweaty, wrapped-up-even-though-I'm-only-punching-air hand and tell you how much I loved your movie "Tough and Deadly" with Rowdy Roddy Piper.

-- Anonymous, September 05, 1999

Dear Billy

I tried to work out with you a couple times a week. Then one day i decided to Tae-bo and you weren't there! Seems you had moved to Austin w/ my sister. I have no money to buy my own tapes or time. Sorry Billy, I enjoyed the butt kickin for a while. -g

-- Anonymous, September 05, 1999

Dearest Billie,

I am writing to tell you that I will be taking a hiatis from your tae bo tapes... I am happy to tell you that I am now pregnant... and though I do want to continue with the round house kicks and all your 5..6..7..8... and such.. I just think that my little tae boer will be safer if I wait to return to our daily tae bo workouts until after he/she is born.. :-)

--Michelle and baby to be

-- Anonymous, September 07, 1999

Hey Billy -

I know we've been on-again-off-again. I know you've been asking all my friends what I've been up to lately. Potato Chips was telling me the other day "You need to just get rid of that pushy bastard once and for all...he doesn't love you like I do." But, I know you do Billy, I know you do.

I've seen you hanging out at my local Subway...just waiting for me to come in and eat one of those fat guy diet sandwiches. You don't have to stalk me, Billy! Jesus - now you have Pamie doing your dirty work? Ok, ok. I'll come back! And I'll stay this time because...um Billy...I don't mean to pressure you but, I have got to look fucking HOT in like, 3 weeks. Don't be mad.

Yours always, Allison

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Billy, I know that last time, I dumped you for Painting and Moving Furniture and Removing Old 1970's Carpeting With A Utility Knife and Doing The Same Damned Thing To The Linoleum I Found Underneath. And they were good to me, I promise.
But after they were gone, I .. I needed some time alone, you know? That make-up session we had last month was great. And I want more.
Cigarettes keeps saying "Baby, you know I can give you a buzz while you're laying down." And, Billy, you know I'm a slacker. Queen slacker. I want you to kick my ass again. I mean it. I just need motivation first.

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Dear Billy,

I know I never really gave us a chance. See, there was still someone else in my life when we met, and let me tell you - Haagen-Dasz has never been one to just stand by and watch me move on to someone else.

But that's okay. I got a restraining order and now I'm ready to move forward. Just give me one more chance, I know I wasn't very fair before. But really, I even went out and bought an Advanced tape. And you and I both know that I still haven't gotten through the basic more than twice.

Okay, so the tape's only been in my vcr twice. But that's what I mean, I'm different now, I've changed.

Still trying to be a codfish, Brianna

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Dear Billy,

Do you think a lack of money is a decent excuse to not exercise?

I didn't think you would! Thanks, Billy. I'll expect that vcr in the mail sometime this week. I think FedEx is a better idea than Priority Mail. Don't forget the insurance.

Love and roundhouse kicks,
Jackie

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Dear Billy,

If I can't get off the couch and go to the gym which I pay monthly for, then I'm certainly not going to participate in your silly little video.

Kiss my ASS Billy!

- Mar -

P.S. I'm gonna regret that later

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Ok Billy, lets be honest here...we were good together..I was practically kicking *your* ass in one and two...you kinda got ahead of me in three and in four you were ten paces ahead of me..

...but five...what were you thinking!?! You ruined it billy! People have rugs you know! What's that? You're not getting my point? Let me break it down for you:

Rug+tape 5=RUG BURN!

Understand honey? Now either you get your act together or you can pack up your spandex and leave!

Oh baby I'm so sorry...I didn't mean to yell..it's just, this rash..it's making me all testy and irritable...I still love you, we *do* look good together don't we?? Ok, you talked me into it..I'll wear pants. It'll be your loss though, you won't get to see my beautiful legs...you made me do it baby, I love you.

See you tonight....same place, same time...

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Dear Billy,

Who the hell are you and what the hell is Tae-Bo anyway?

Yours, mystified,

-- Anonymous, April 17, 2000

Dear Billy,

I'm not gonna grovel for your forgiveness. I have a very believable excuse for slacking. I was in europe where they have a different format of tape, so I couldn't punch and kick that blond bimbo in your class who is just way to excited. never mind that I've been back for months now. I tried to come back to you, I really did. But it hurt too much. I couldn't work for a couple days. I'm sorry. If you wait for me, maybe i'll come back. but maybe not. deal with THAT, jumpsuit boy! - Karen

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Hey Billy ...

I've heard a lot about you, and I'll admit it - I like what I hear. One of these days you and me are going to hook up, but it won't be until the Holmes Place gym in Putney starts providing your classes, because there's no way on God's green earth I'm exercising in my living room.

Come on. My flat is the one place where I can relax. And how relaxing will it be to have Tristan is fits of laughter while I fall over and break things? I'd rather do that somewhere already set aside for mass humiliation.

So, hopefully see you really soon.

Jackie. xxxxxxx

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Dear Billy,

It is not my fault. They made me do it. I did not get the video but am undoubtedly your biggest fan (mentally and physically). I just thought I should get into the team spirit of things and joined a club of unfit people to hit, kick and punch with. The instructor looks like you too. I am sure he is your second biggest fan. But, sadly enough, he took the week of to do some good work with children. How selfish can you get? But tonight, he is back and I will be sweating again just for you. And yes, Tae-bo has made me stonger and more self confident.

Your grovelling servant,

Lieven

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

dearest billy, i would buy your tapes if the commercials didn't scare the piss out of me. high kicks? there's a reason i wasn't a cheerleader, babe.

besides, i think the house would have serious foundation problems if i started jumping around and shit.

thanks for amusing me, though.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Billy,

What can I say? I know that you only want to streamline my ass and flatten my tummy, but we bought a new couch and there isn't enough space in the living room for me to do that squat/kick thingy on the video. I know, I know, I only used the tape twice, and there is that Tae-Bo centre around the corner from the apartment that I could join if only all the women that go there weren't size 2 uber-wives from the planet Lycra. But this is my own problem. Mea culpa.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Dear Billy,

I don't miss you. There, I said it. I know everyone loves you and feels obligated to see you several times per week, but I've gotta tell you, I just don't have those feelings for you.

At first I was lured in, I'll admit it. You and all your little fitness sidekicks looked so cool, and made kicking and punching look like loads of fun. I was pretty psyched to join you. Until I actually started doing the kicking and punching. I kicked my husband way too many times. I knocked things off of the coffee table. I fell on my ass. And then you made me feel all guilty because I wasn't able to hold my leg up and make it a table. I'm not a table, Billy. If I was a piece of furniture, I'd have to say I'm more like a bean bag. Bean bags don't make good tables, Billy. And I don't need guilt from you. I have a mother for that.

So, you won't be seeing me around. I know all you fit people will probably talk about me behind my back, but I don't care. I have to look out for the safety of my family and my belongings, and walking around the neighborhood seems to be a more gentle way to go than kicking and flailing up a storm in my living room. You understand, don't you Billy? You've heard all this before.

Maybe we'll see each other again. I will probably run into you in the Fall, when I clean out drawers and closets. And I'll probably even be happy to see you. I'll pop you in the VCR, put my hair in a ponytail, pull on some work out clothes, and smile as I press "PLAY". But we both know what will happen 30 minutes later. Some things will be laying on the floor, broken. The cats' ears will lay flat against their heads and they will hiss at my Feet of Doom. The dog will have a concussion. And it will be Bye-Bye Billy again.

Goodbye for now,

Lisa

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Dear Billy,

I have to say thanks! Getting back together with you a few weeks ago left me 1.5 lbs lighter this week at my weight loss group weigh-in! Woo Hoo! Either these 5:30 am workouts are getting easier or I'm delirious from lack of sleep. I do appreciate the help you give me. I'm now 37.5 lbs lighter than I was at this time last year. Thank you very much.

I do need your help, however. Today is Free Cone Day at Ben and Jerry's and they live about 5 minutes from work. Everybody at work is going to be getting a free cone. I'm sorry, Billy, but I too need a free cone. You can kick my ass tomorrow morning for my indulging today.

Your side-kick lady,

Amy

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Dear Billy,

Please use your strength and power to lift that rock that James Russell has been living under.

Thanks.

Love,

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Dearest Billy,

I don't even know how to tell you this, but i'll try. I got the tapes because Pamie was in my head making me get them (she was my little schizophrenic voice) and I even bought some weights. I didn't know it would be so hard. Every kick I did brought tears to my eyes, I cried, the cats yowled, I yowled. I think my next door neighbor might have yowled. So I finally did the worst thing you could ever do to your tapes. I sold them!!! That's right Bill, I sold them on ebay and I got a wopping $37.00 for them. I sent them to the lucky bidder along with a note that said "Good luck - you'll need it when your arms start detaching from your shoulders, and your legs fly off and hit the windows". I wonder what happened to her, I bet she's dead.

Sorry Billy, but I couldn't hack it.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Dear Billy,

I am sorry. I wish i could buy your tapes, but my boyfriend has this big, gigantic glass-topped coffee table in the middle of the living room. How incosiderate can one guy be?! How am i supposed to do tae- bo if he has this big monstrosity in the way? It's the only place that i could possibly be in order to actually see the television and follow you, so it just seems to be impossible for me to do tae-bo with you. Ever.

What a bastard. I swear, that is the ONLY reason that i don't do tae- bo.

Really.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Dear Billy,

You know what? I'm NOT sorry that I haven't been doing your videos for a while. Besides, I have an excuse: I'm pregnant. And my doctor told me SPECIFICALLY NOT to do Tae-Bo while pregnant! Aren't you glad? Although, I must admit... I feel like a fat slob. So I will probably pop you in my VCR again once the baby's out. Just don't get mad at me if I have to start with the Basic all over again. Shelly doesn't count too well in that one.

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Dear Billy,

OK - your faithful followers on the e-groups Taebo-on list have gotten into my head and gotten me to start working out with you again. 6 days in a row - Hopefully on my way to finalyy completing a 21 day challenge. I've even managed to avoid kicking the dogs most of the time, although I am a little afraid of hitting the ceiling fan when doing those over the head stretches.

I'm just trying to take it one day at a time and maybe one day I too will be able to arrange to come out to the TaeBo World Training Center in LA and participate in one of the tapings. Right now I think I would just be the poster child for modifying the workout and walking it out.

Give me strength - Sometimes I just don't think I can push play. Thanks, Stephanie

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Dear Billy,

please don't remind me again that i left my tapes in texas for my mom when i moved to seattle. she really really wanted them, i swear. and it's not my fault they are gathering dust on the shelf. she's the one you want to talk to! she's the one who swore she would use them! how could i swear to use them if they are in texas and i'm 2500 or whatever miles away?

i'm not such a bad person, you know. i started climbing the stairs at work with my coworker. we started with 10 flights and are now up to 15. that's pretty good, don't you think? i eat salad for lunch. i walk 12 blocks a day, very fast, to and from work. i think i've already lost weight, i can't prove that because i don't own a scale, but my jeans are fitting better. i know it isn't a billy blanks certified bona fide workout, but it's about all i can do these days. i'm a busy person, you know?

seriously, i gave the tapes to mom. i swear to god. and i can't buy a new set because i owe too much on my credit card and i have bills coming out of my ears and smackdown tickets to buy and rent to pay and goddamn it billy, i'm going to look really good on that honda rebel i'm saving up for. even if i am a little thick around the middle. so just lay off, will ya?

love and no hard feelings (please don't beat me up) your friend weazel teetz

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

*munching on a twix bar*

I'm sorry, what was the question?

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Dear Billy (if that is your real name--and it probably isn't because you trademarked it and practically no one is born with a name they feel like trademarking except, perhaps, Marie of Romania):

You creep me out. Ever since you got to my house, you've just sat there by the TV, smiling/snarling at me. Your eyes eerily follow me around the room, piercing to the heart of my very soul. Are you trying to be sexy? Cruel? A curmudgeon? You think you scare me, but you don't. 'Cause I've got something better--something even you can't handle. You ready, fat boy?

Meet Denise Austin, starring in *Rock Hard Tummies*. I see you tremble at the sight of her pastel-toned legwarmers. But wait 'till you're forced to do pelvic thrusts for a full half-hour in time to the Muzak backbeats of Michael Jackson's erstwhile hit, "Billy Jean"....

Had enough? I don't think so.

Let me introduce you to my friend, Donna--as in Donna Mills. She'd like to share some make-up tips with you from her video entitled, *The Eyes Have It*: "If you've got BLUE eyes, accentuate them by wearing BLUE eyeshadow." And that's just the beginning....

But there's more, Billy Baloney:

I think you've finally met your match, Silly Billy, in the Hairdini. I want to see you squirm as you try to twist your scalp-level 'do into these mind-bending contortions. Who's snarling now?

In sum: get outta my dreams, my car, and my house. Get loose with those facial muscles. Get laid. Get jiggy. Get your self-help self on the fast track to Hooterville. In fact, why not just get some cheesecake, Billy Blanks--and screw your trademarked ass.

Kisses, Richard

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Billie-baby, Awww honey. Billie you got to believe me. I tried hon i did I tried like Michael Jackson tried to look white. But it was just so hard. My abs they couldnt' take it no more. After tape #2 they hit me billie. They hit me hard. They called me names and said I had to stop b/c they didnt' want to look like steel. And the spandex was just too much on my boobs. The circulation was getting cut off. I'm so sorry sweetcakes. I couldn't live up to your expectations. And my pet manatee, Chlamydia, that lives in my attic, she couldnt' handle the rejection. I left her for 3 hours Billie! I just watched your bald head all over that screen. But Chylamydia...Billie.....she wants a bathtub Billie!!!! ::cries and screams:: A bathtub!!!! Do you know how much that is?! I can't afford tape #3!!! I can't....Awww i miss you....and our roundhouse marathons at 4am...i miss you...But a bathtub!!!! Okay till next time...goodnight..5...6...7...8...5...6..

-- Anonymous, April 18, 2000

Dear Billy,

Like Irene and Richard, you scare me. You creep me out. Besides, there's no way my poor hips and knees and ankles will ever be able to take what you dish out. So it you don't mind, and even if you do, I'll stick to my recent work-out routine which I've been doing for 1 1/2 weeks now (a record for me, really):30-60 minute walks three times a week (depending on how much time I have available) and twice a week with my Tony Little Total Body Shape-up and Maintenance.

Yes, I know Tony is incredibly annoying, but every major part of my body is worked, it's easy to keep up (while I can still push myself at my beginning/intermediate stage [yes, I've already moved to intermediate on most of the exercises) and it takes 30-40 minutes. Someday I'll move past Tony, but I'm quite happy now.

That's five days a week I'm exercising. I've never done that before. It feels good, real good. And I know I'd never achieve that with you, Billy. I know you'd bring all sorts of pain to me, Billy. Sorry, but I'm just not into pain.

I hope you understand. If you don't, well, too bad. Deal.

No Love,
Carol

-- Anonymous, April 19, 2000

Dearest Billy,

I can only say that I have been trying pathetically, to follow the way of the divine light since the summer of 1999. Since that time, I think I have done the tape once. I could not get past staring at your hypnotizing face to actually do it. It's almost like my Michael Flatley 'Lord of The Dance' or 'The Rock' fetish. I can't even begin to fathom its depths or try to explain, so I just submit and then feel icky afterward. So, in closing, I feel that I must apologise, not for my laziness, which I feel is a divine gift, but for my sick fascination with watching you sweat while I eat Entenmann's. It feels very wrong. Susanne E. Boston.

-- Anonymous, April 22, 2000

Dear Billy;

I love you but you haven't made me skinny yet. Why the hell not? And what's up with the bad counts and shitty editing on your first set of tapes? Couldn't gouge the Hollywood types for enough dough to put out a decently produced video, huh? Well, whatever. I still love you. Just make me skinny quick, or it's your ass. 'Cause I can take you. Fat or not. You betcha.

--Cheryl

-- Anonymous, June 06, 2000