"Bring on the Past" (Humorous y2k article from rural perspective)

greenspun.com : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread

Free Use etc....

Article from the August 1999 USTRC Super Looper Magazine. "BRING ON THE PAST" by Lee Pitts

"I have high hopes for this Y2K thing where the world is supposed to come to a screeching halt because our computers can't keep track of what century it is. For people like me who were born 100 years too late, midnight 2000 can't come soon enough. We'll finally get our chance to live without daytime TV, computer-dialed phone calls and "dot-com" this and "dot-com" that. What's the worst that can happen to a self-sufficient rural resident? The truck will be out of gas, the bank will be closed when you need it and the store won't have your favorite ice cream. So what else is new? If you ask me, the potential benefits of this thing far outweigh the negatives.

"When Y2K hits, the government might cease to function. I rest my case on that possibility alone. It's a risk we simply must take. Endangered species might have to fend for themselves and the IRS would have no way to spy on us. Need I say more?

"People are worried that they may lose their balance at the bank. But, if you are involved in agriculture, and have all your money tied up in debt, the possibility that your loan officer may lose all your records is very appealing.

"The very real prospect that food shipments will be curtailed to grocery stores should make every bankrupt farmer hold on for just a while longer. When the grocery store shelves are bare, hungry people will have to go directly to the source and that means us. Farmers and ranchers will be able to charge an even higher mark-up than the stores are now getting. That will be $2.00 for an avocado please. What's that? You want some beef? That will be $3,000 and paper please. We don't accept plastic. Next!

"They say you might be inconvenienced if you fly on airplanes but have you flown on a commercial jet recently? How much more "inconvenient" can it get? Their planes should already be "grounded" for being so rude and impolite. And so what if gasoline is scarce? That means we'll all go back to riding horses which would mean the end to smog, traffic jams, drunk drivers and speeding tickets. I say let the ringing blows of the blacksmith's hammer be heard far and wide. And if we need to remount the Pony Express to receive your mail I stand ready to do my part by selling them an easement.

"Any minor pain caused by Y2K will be worth it just to see the looks on the faces of the geeks and nerds when they realize they can't eat "bytes" or buy groceries no matter how much "cache" they have. I dream of the day some billionaire software guru knocks on my door and wants to buy food and firewood because he already burned his expensive furniture. I'll charge him $395 per serving and make him upgrade every meal. I'll make it plenty complicated too. What's that? You want a steak? Here's a live steer. You figure it out. And if you have any trouble call my hotline. It won't work either. All those people who thought they were making 39% a year in the stock market merely by "booting up" will have to work for their money like the rest of us.

"I'll finally be rewarded for being a pack rat. I told my wife the day would come when she'd be glad I saved my old portable typewriter, brace and bit, push lawnmower and "unelectric" screwdriver. She'll finally understand why I never wanted her to become reliant on fancy kitchen gadgets like dishwashers, microwaves and juicers.

"Oh sure, I have concerns in a couple areas. Namely toilet paper and the chance that people may riot in the streets to protest the shortage of it. But, I have made my living as a writer for over 20 years and I've saved every story. I knew one day that I would find a purpose to my life. And I really doubt that hungry people are going to use up their energy to ride their bikes out to the boonies and start shooting the only people who know how to grow food.

"Yes, I'm ready for Y2K. I've got a septic tank, food on four legs and know how to amuse myself. And so I say, "Turn back the computers."

"Now, if we could only figure out a way to make this thing permanent." ---------

Article from the August 1999 USTRC Super Looper Magazine.

-- marsh (armstrng@sisqtel.net), August 19, 1999


LOL! Thanks for sharing that, marsh... :-)

-- Jim Morris (prism@bevcomm.net), August 19, 1999.


-- NEW-WINE. (dogs@zianet.com), August 19, 1999.

Somebody after mine own heart!! Thanks,Marsh.

-- Chris (griffen@globalnet.co.uk), August 19, 1999.

I don't think the author of that article realizes just how many deaths Y2K means in the next several years, or he wouldn't be that blase about it. I will not mourn at all the passing of the IRS, fractional reserve banking, the U.S. fiat Dollar, the Endangered Species Act, Equifax, or about 93% of the Federal/State bureaucracy. However, the cost in innocent lives will IMO be too high for us to have freely, consciously chosen Y2K as a means of ridding Americans of these burdens.


-- MinnesotaSmith (y2ksafeminnesota@hotmail.com), August 19, 1999.

That's funny, but I wouldn't want any malaria, yellow fever, TB, strep, or cholera like in "the good old days." And while I like roughing it, the smell of manure in the morning just doesn't inspire me very much.

-- coprolith (coprolith@rocketship.com), August 19, 1999.

And while I like roughing it, the smell of manure in the morning just doesn't inspire me very much.

-- coprolith (coprolith@rocketship.com), August 19, 1999

Maybe not, coprolith, but strangely it will make you hungry.. Go figure.

-- Cherri (sams@brigadoon.com), August 21, 1999.

Moderation questions? read the FAQ