Millenium Humorgreenspun.com : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread
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Millennium Pie (with apologies to Don McLean)
A long, long time ago... I can still remember how Computers used to make me smile. And I knew if I had my chance, That I could make electrons dance, And maybe I'd be happy for a while. But January made me shiver, it chilled me deep down in my liver, Bad news I'd collected... I couldn't get connected. I can't remember back that day When I first knew the Y2K But something touched me anyway, The day computers died. So, ...Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire this will be the day I retire
Can you write in C plus plus ? And do you have faith in your local bus If the driver tells you so ? Do you believe in Compaq's goals Can software save your mortal soul And can you teach me how to type real slow ? Well I thought that you were prepared 'Cause your memo said you weren't impaired Your stationery's swell But you can go to hell
I was a lonely teenage Unix hack With an incantation and a modem jack but I knew the cat had left the sack The day computers died I started singin'... Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire this will be the day I retire
Now for 10 years we've ignored the threat And we haven't solved the problem yet But that's not how it used to be When the luddites read for the king and queen with a light they filled with kerosene And some manuals they stole from you and me And while Bill Gates was looking pleased Time stole his monopolies The courtroom was adjourned No verdict was returned
While Apple tried a color scheme The engineers returned to steam And we had purges of their dreams The day computers died We were singin'
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire this will be the day I retire Intel inside in an iron smelter The food leftover from my fallout shelter Twinkies old and aging fast I'd rather eat the grass Q and A tried for a system crash With the tester on the sidelines in a cast Now the timeshare net was running Doom While mainframes played a marching tune We all tried to log in Oh, but we never could begin
'Cause Cobol tried to take the field, And Holerith refused to yield. Do you recall what was revealed, The day computers died? We started singing Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire this will be the day I retire
There we were all in a state A generation- really late With no time left to start again
So come on mouse be nimble, mouse be quick Don't let my spreadsheet data stick 'Cause data is the devil's only friend. As I watched him on my screen My hands and face were drenched in steam No angel born in hell Could run that stupid shell
And as the ball climbed high into the night To call the sacrificial night I saw Dick Clark laughing with delight the day computers died. I met a girl with a cell phone And I asked her for a dial tone But she just smiled and turned away
I went down to the software store Where I'd seen computers years before But the man there said the games there wouldn't play And in the streets the children screamed The lovers cried and the poets dreamed their interface was spoken The Internet was broken
And the three things I connect to most The Website, Lan and the Network host Every single one was toast The day computers died They were singin'
Bye, bye to the next digit of Pi Ran my PC on some DC but the voltage was dry And good ol' boys were sending e-mail replies Saying this will be the day I retire this will be the day I retire
Copyright Scott McNulty. July 1999. > >
-- y2k dave (email@example.com), August 13, 1999
Too true to be funny?
Welcome to our unofficial Y2K page. It's filled with totally unofficial stuff which can't be relied upon by anyone for any reason, but it's okay to enjoy it. In fact,we hope you like it so much you'll stop sending us those twenty page long, complex questionnaires, which of course we never send back.
The first thing you need to do to prepare for the Y2K crisis is to finish reading this web page before January 1, 2000. After Jan 1, this page will still be posted in cyberspace, but because the world will be coming to an end as a result of power grid failures and inadvertent launching of nuclear weapons, you probably won't be able to hook up to the web, even if you stop foraging for food and your portable power generator has enough spare amps for surfing.
However, we do have some good news for you! If the world does come to a halt on January 1, 2000, or within a few days thereafter, it won't be because of Hart Scientific instruments. Nope, if you're having a bad Y2K day, it won't be because of us.
None of our instruments use dates--well, almost none. Only the 1560 Black Stack, 1575 Super Thermometer and 1590 Super Thermometer II use dates, but the dates are input by the user. Therefore, if you're the user and you're Y2K compliant, your Hart thermometer will be too. So, whenever the power grid is up and running again, all you'll have to do is input the correct date and time and you're good for another millennium. For the other 100 or so Hart instruments, you don't have to do anything except turn them on.
In addition to our instruments, we've tested all of the software we sell. Because we wrote all of the packages, we know how they work. We can't find any problems with any of them. We're not saying we're Y2K experts because we're not. We've tried every test we can think of and so far there are no problems. However, if for some unfortunate reason your computer fails to turn on, or if it melts down right after it boots up, there's a significant chance our software won't work either. Oh, if your computer feeds our software the wrong date and time from your computer's internal clock, our software is going to put the wrong date on your data. You better check your computer clock for its Y2K compliance.
Let's summarize all of this. WE CAN'T FIND ANY Y2K PROBLEMS WITH ANY OF OUR INSTRUMENTS OR OUR SOFTWARE---PRIMARILY BECAUSE 98% OF OUR STUFF DOESN'T USE DATES, AND THE STUFF THAT DOES HAS PASSED EVERY TEST WE CAN THINK OF!!
Okay, anybody got any questions? Need more? We've got it for you.
What about our own internal software programs and computer systems-things like our accounting packages? Of course, we tested our own systems in every way we could think of also, and everything passed.
Even if our accounting software stops working on January 3, 2000, you can count on us finding a way to bill you for whatever you bought from us prior to Armageddon. Even if we have to write your invoice on the back of bubble gum wrappers, we're going to bill you. This is the promise our lawyers made to us and it's the same promise we're going to make to you. It's the only thing we're going to guarantee you-- but at least we're guaranteeing something.
We've checked our 401K and payroll programs too. They work! Imagine how glad our employees are. You can stop asking us if we're going to continue to check these programs because the answer is simple. We all want our payroll program to cut those checks on time. If any banks are still operating after January 3, 2000, we want to be able to deposit our checks in them. Of course, once world peace is restored, and we're all living under one world wide government and monetary system, our dollars won't be worth much anymore. However, we will still need toilet paper so everybody will probably be asking to be paid in ones.
Unfortunately, we can't answer many questions about our external suppliers. We aren't expecting many problems, but who knows! We're contacting 20 of our largest suppliers and maybe they'll tell us something and maybe they won't. We've got a lot of suppliers. We already know some of them are pretty good and some of them are idiots. We don't expect the Y2K problem to change this.
Well, that's pretty much all we've got to sayalmost. Our lawyers tell us we can't promise you anything regarding Y2K (except maybe the part about collecting our money). If you're using our equipment with someone else's gear, who the hell knows what's going to happen. We sure don't, so how can we promise you something specific, or even vague for that matter? We can't, so we won't. However, we love our customers and like always we'll do whatever is reasonable to solve whatever problems come up, if there are any.
If life as we know it comes to an end when everyone wakes up to flashing lights on their alarm clocks the morning of January 1st, please remember to keep all of the memories of the good times you had with your Hart temperature calibration equipment. Don't ever let the memories die!
Right after Armageddon, using your temperature calibration instruments may come in a little low on Maslow's hierarchy of needs. Food, shelter and ISO 9000 compliance may come first, but don't worry, as soon as there is a millikelvin to be measured, we'll be there helping you get your job done faster and better than ever before.
Nothing on this web page supercedes our official policy, and it is very official, so get your copy today if you feel you need to read it. You can get a copy of it by writing on a plain 3 X 5 card 'SEND ME A COPY OF YOUR OFFICIAL Y2K POLICY EVEN THOUGH I'M NOT ORDERING AT THIS TIME.' Put your complete name and address on the card and send it to us. We'll send you an official copy of our official policy, or you could just call us and we'll mail it to you, or just click here to get to our official Y2K page. There are so many ways to get it, how much easier can we make it?
Now what happens if YOUR accounting software doesn't work next January? Don't bother calling us with that feeble excuse. Just pick up a pen, open the old checkbook, and HAND WRITE US A CHECK! If you have any employees old enough to remember life before computers have them help you with this. The world actually existed before spreadsheets. It was a narrow, somewhat boring existence, but in a pinch it will still do.
So what scares us about Y2K? The only thing we really worry about is the over reaction of some obsessive people, and we're not talking about the nut cases burying Y2K compliant ammo in mountain caves, we're talking about what people say to us when we tell them we're not sending their questionnaire back. Wow! Mass panic could cause a mess. We recommend you keep your cool, buy some Dinty Moore's beef stew in cans, and lay in a good supply of toilet paper.
Before you start thinking that we just don't get it, yes we do. Many of our employees were actually there the day COBOL was invented. Some of them started their computing careers on an IBM 1620 mainframe that was slower than a Casio calculator. The nights were long back then.
We do have one suggestion. Turn off all the equipment in your lab before you go home for New Year's eve. If Armageddon does happen, you won't care about the lab, and if everything continues along as usual, you'll have fun turning everything back on January 3rd to see if it all works.
Yes, we know it's also a leap year. Since the beginning of time we've had about five of them. There has never been a Hart product fail because of a leap year, at least not during a leap year when we were keeping records. Don't call, and don't ask. Of course our instruments are all going to work just fine on February 31st just like every other day of the year.
-- Nelson Isada (firstname.lastname@example.org), August 13, 1999.
You know, reading the Hart product stuff gave me such a feeling of refreshment (after I stopped laughing). If ONLY our banks, fed gov, could be as frank, straightforward, and simple in their statements about y2k.....
-- Anita Evangelista (email@example.com), August 13, 1999.