John #5's Story : LUSENET : Domestic Violence Accounts : One Thread

John 5's Story

Date: Fri, Mar 13, 1998, 4:44 AM

I endured several attacks and threats during my 12 year first marriage. I have visited the hospital and had stitches. At one point I called the police to report threats made on my life. The police told me that my ex-wife had the right to free speech and that until she actually attempted to kill me there was nothing they could do.

I finally separated from her. Then, while attempting to put my life back together, she attacked me. She hit me, scratched my face, and broke the lights on my car. This was at my part time job (a parochial high school where I was coaching basketball). There were over 20 witnesses. After the attack I went home and called the police. They assigned a detective to the case. She was arrested two weeks later for Felony Domestic Violence and spent an evening in Jail. None of the witnesses in the case were ever interviewed.

I was able to secure a permanent restraining order but was then sent to Family Court Services to review the visitation schedule with my children. At that time I had 50-50 time with my children. My first contact with the mediator was a phone call where the mediator (arbitrator) R.C. [real name removed] introduced him self as "Uncle D. [nickname removed] from FCS, Fun Center of S. [city name]" (Family Court Services).

My ex-wife, in the two months between the restraining order and the meeting with "Uncle Dicky", succeeded in turning my children against me for "putting their mother in jail". I was also brought before my church elders by my Ex-wife's sister as she followed through with her threat to falsely accuse me of adultery if I did not drop the charges.

In the same week in March 1996 my ex-wife was convicted (Plead no lo contendre) of a reduced charge of Misdemeanor Battery and given 100% legal custody and 85% physical custody of my children. She continued over the next year to harass me verbally and deny me visitation. I was deprived of my Father's day weekend as well as several others and two times had the police involved to pick up the children. One of those times I was threatened with arrest by the police when I had called them to help me pick up my children for my scheduled visitation. For the next year the DA in both Sacramento and Placer counties hassled me for not paying child support. The Placer County DA even threatened me in handwriting on their letterhead. They told me that I would lose my drivers license if I failed to comply; even though I paid child support through a court ordered garnishment of my wages. The DA obviously took the word of my Ex-wife when she said she did not receive it.

I do not believe domestic violence is a gender issue. I do believe that gender bias in our society will continue to deprive children of their right to have a father because of its' practical belief that mothers are never abusive.

The abuse was physical. Hitting, scratching, burning clothes, baseball bat, knives, flower pots, kicking, etc. It was also emotional and verbal. I endured more than 30 physical attacks. The verbal attacks were 3-5 times a week.

Two children: Boy 12, Girl 10; ages at present.

Visitation has now just been good since the 20-20 show aired. Before that it was sporadic and always full of hassles.

We were married in 1983. Divorced in 1996.

Did not call crisis line. I don't think any existed.

[some personal details omitted.]

I am 6'3'' and weigh 240lbs. She is 5'3'' and weighs 125lbs.

-- Anonymous, August 08, 1999


My name is Scott Pauker, associate producer for MSNBC Investigates, a one hour,one topic news show that airs on MSNBC primetime. We are researching a one hour story about battered men who are abused by their wives or girlfriends. The hour will show how men can be victims in dometic violence cases. Will you be interested in doing an on camera interview with us? Please think it over and let me know.I am very interested in talking with you about your story. Please call me at 800-813-8255 ext. 5797 or 1-201-583-5797 New jersey. Thank you very much. Scott Pauker

-- Anonymous, March 16, 2001

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