Has it changed you? For better or for worse? Have you ever stopped and found that you missed it?

When I quit my journal in March, I never wanted to go back. It was HEAVEN not writing anymore. The same thing happened when I took the garden site down.

The urge to do a journal again snuck up on me -- I just made the decision one Saturday morning. And now I'm glad I did.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 1999

Answers

It gives me a sense of obligation to write, and as a result, I write (sort of) regularly.

It also makes me impatient with my shortcomings as a writer. And with my imagination.

I decided at some point to write whatever I wanted--be it fiction, character sketches whatever. Then I deicded that I simply could not put all of the flotsam from my brain up. I realized that I cannot do that, not there. I do not write about work--my employer knows my URL. I do not write about the less than pleasant side of my family: my sister, my mother, my 78 year old great aunt all read my stuff.

I wrote a little bit about my current honey, but some of it had, um, sexual overtones. Then realizing that my mother (torn between wanting me to 'meet someone nice' and yet in the fantasy that visiting boyfriends sleep on the couch) reads it, I moved some stuff offline. Wimpy, but on the scale of family worth it. ANd it's available by request.

So, I have a personal site that is fairly personally restricted. G. (who also keeps a journal, and I 'spose I never would have met him if not for the whole personal site thing so ha! it's not all negative) says that neither one of us write about ourselves. (I could argue that on his part, but eh, anyway.) It's true, in a way. I've ended up with a personal site--a whole personal DOMAIN-- that is not about me.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 1999

I don't like my own journal much. I keep going (except for this month) because I realize one day I'm going to have to face the deep dark truthful mirror, which I think will be good for me. I shy from that day, though, and in the meantime I post a severely censored journal that reads so differently than the bulk of my private journal and letters and email to friends that it doesn't sound much like me, or much like all of me. When I stop being afraid to sound like me, stop being afraid of what people will think--not anonymous people but ex-people, then I'll have something worth doing. Which is more than I have (explicitly) confessed to in Speaking Confidentially. I have stopped a few times or neglected it for fortnights and more at a time, and I did miss it. One change for the worse is that I find I censor myself before I put fingers to keys instead of afterward editing content for posting (which is one of the voice issues).

-- Anonymous, August 03, 1999

I've been keeping a journal online for almost a year, and have never really thought of quitting. I write in it about 5 times a week.

It helps me organize my thoughts, make decisions, and keep track of what's going on in my life. Someday I'll look back and see what a pain in the ass buying our house was, or how much having a puppy made me insane. I think I'll especially love finding how crazy I was about getting married a few years from now.

I've always been a journal keeper, and keeping it online has helped me keep up with it. It really helps me pick out my obsessions and shortcomings. I'm a soul searcher, and I don't hesitate to write whatever's deep in my mind. I just leave out stuff about sex, cause I just know no one is intersted in that, and if they are I'm not interested in them.

I'm lucky that no one in my real life reads it. Dave knows about it, but I've asked him not to read and he respects that decision. I've just recently decided to go back and edit a few choice words out so that it won't show up in search engines.

Does anyone know how to make sure your pages don't show up in search engines?

-- Anonymous, August 03, 1999

I think I've stopped, started, stopped and started again as many times as you have, Beth. And all, just about, in the last six months.

Each time, it's taken on a new purpose for me. At first it was to explore the medium and the possibility. To be for other people what Sage, Tracy Lee and Mary Ann were for me.

Then it became about finding my voice.

I have found it, but it keeps changing and developing. I like that the journal is a record of that.

Now my purpose is rooted in grounding myself, and staying sane.

Jackie Estrogen http://jackie.dreamhost.com/estrogen

-- Anonymous, August 03, 1999

This URL: http://www.bigblock.com.au/support/wri_rest.htm contains information about robots.txt files, which some search engines use to determine whether to search your site.

Oh, and, I guess I should note that my url is http://tattletale.net

-- Anonymous, August 03, 1999

I'm not ~quite~ sure if it's keeping a journal that helped... or also reading journals by other women... seeing them deal with issues that I had faced... seeing how ~normal~ I was in situations after all.

Like... the thing you said, Beth, about not talking being more forceful with the male obgyn... geez, that's ME. That's so many of us.

Lots of examples like that, on and on, and having a place to put things that get to me, that make me think, a place where I finally feel ~heard~ for a change.

I do wish sometimes I would have done an anonymous journal so that I could work out more of these issues without having to be so careful that I put it in a way that doesn't trample on someone else's life. But on the whole, it's been a freeing experience.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 1999

My journal right now is in a state of flux. My boundaries are closing in now that I have a permanent job and now that I'm dealing daily with the friends that also read the journal. Can't write about them; can't complain about work. Although, that's a simple way of saying that I don't know what my boundaries are. The purpose of the first journal, L.A. Stories (www.gawow.com/lastories/) was to keep myself sane while I looked for a job. It also helped me to see the good side of a city that I wasn't all that happy to be living in. The funny thing is is that when I read those entries I can see how bitter I was about living there but yet several people wrote to tell me that I made them homesick for L.A.

Now that I'm in Portland, I don't really know what to write about. Writing about L.A. kept me from focusing on myself too much. Portland doesn't really compell me to write. So... I don't know. I'm not quitting yet but I do need a different goal for it.

As for DJR -- I liked the entry you just wrote about it. I think it was obvious that there were a number of forces in your life working to make you nuts. ;-) And, of course, these journals are the perogative of the writers but I sure did feel guilty, as a fairly quiet reader, after being admonished for being in your life. Does that make sense?

Anyway, I love your writing and will always be a fan. Thanks for the link re: diarist awards. It made my day.

- amanda http://gawow.com/rainyday/

-- Anonymous, August 03, 1999

I am so paranoid about my privacy that I could never keep an online journal. I have a ton of respect for all the people who put their life out there in black and white for all to see. It's tricky, because I want to have a website that gives a lot of insight into who I am without giving away my privacy. So, no online journal. (If you want to see what I *have* done, my URL is http://www.drizzle.com/~kate . Click on "ME" for the important stuff.)

I do keep a paper journal and have toyed with the idea of posting an anonymous online journal. I have thought about that a lot, but ultimately, for me journal-writing is for me only and not for others. I write to record my thoughts and experiences, and the writing is not especially polished or even deep. It's so I can remember. And I don't think I'd enjoy the pressure of having to post every day. I'm amazed at journalers like Beth who can do that regularly. Wow! I have a temporary journal about my experiences training for my first triathlon and I can hardly update three times a week.

Anyway... a perspective from a non-journaler. I have lots of respect for those of you who do it - you're stronger people than I!

-Kate

-- Anonymous, August 03, 1999

Writing daily in FPP has made a huge difference in my life. I am more open, I am clearer about what issues need to be dealt with, and I am more sociable. Not a hundred percent sure why my sociability has increased as a result of it, but it definitely has.

I too live with a man who doesn't need to talk and can go for long periods without meaningful conversation. It helps not to be dependant on him for working things out. Girlfriends are great, but I don't see them often enough. Keeping my journal online means I write consistantly, every day. When it was a paper journal, I would write every day for a couple of weeks then not at all for a month - very inconsistant. It is a way of checking in with myself every morning.

I chose to use nom de nets because of how well it worked for you in DJR... While I am less and less anonymous as time goes on (pretty much anyone who writes to me for a while knows my name and I've started putting up pictures of myself this year) it still allows me to speak more openly about personal issues while knowing that a search on my name or my husband's won't turn up the journal.

Hey, Beth - you could start a new anonymous journal. See how long it takes everyone to find you...

-- Anonymous, August 03, 1999

Kate, I checked out your site the other day -- one thing you have posted there was in my mind all weekend. It was the piece about what women want. Wow.

Viv: I hate to tell you this, but the pseudonyms didn't work all that well for me. You'd never believe some of the people who were reading all along and knew exactly who I was.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 1999

I'm trying to think of an anonymous journaller who is truly anonymous. Not counting those funky journal services.

I guess Ryan did a good job with Oph. Z. for a while, but that wasn't really journalling. That was a fiction.

But then, some folks would count that as journalling too. And I did explain to a 12 year old tonight that no my note book wasn't a diary. Yes I did write in it a lot, but not necessarily everything in it is true.

-- Anonymous, August 03, 1999

Well, I've journaled all my life. This latest incarnation is simply a new form of notepad - with the ability to explore more of my creative and/or artistic side. In other words I get to make things blink and glow.

I never think much about the public nature of it. Although I think my 16 year old son lives in constant fear that some of his friends will stumble upon it. Valid fear.

But, with me as his mother I expect worse things could happen.

I don't care much if people read and see. There it is. There I am. Just more of me that you might meet if we were passengers together on a train. Well, depends on how long the train ride was - lol.

Has it changed me? Journaling? Well, it's helped form me - ground me - make me understand stuff about me and my life. I don't differentiate between the on-line writing and the paper writing.

Which is goofy - now that I think about it. Oh well.

Catherine

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

I've always kept a personal journal, in writing, but reading your stuff really made me think. I already have the domain, so perhaps I'll have a crack at it myself one of these days. That's how inspirational your writing is, my friend.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

I suppose answering this question here is about the most appropriate place -- DJR was the journal that actually tipped me over into doing one myself, after I read the "famous" Salon article.

What can I say? I'm glad for the regular exercise of the writing muscles, especially important since it's my business, and business hasn't been too darn hot lately. I'm grateful for the letters I get from readers, the sense of communication -- whatever that really means. I write with quite a few boundaries, so the challenge is to make the thing entertaining without the emotional pornography. That makes me look for some unifying thread, some connection between my life and the world around me, and I think that's valuable. Readers, as a result, never write to give me advice, or to interfere with my life -- which is a good thing, but I only have about 100 regulars, so perhaps it would be different if I had as many readers as DJR had, Beth.

I do recall once writing to give you advice on your gramophone. I hope I wasn't too out of line, there.

And I still envy you having your own house. Neh.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

Oh, no, Rick, the only problem with your advice about the gramophone was that you didn't tell me to throw all the records out of our third story window instead of asking my friends to help us move them into the new house. I still owe them big time for that.

As it turns out, I think the only area where I really hate getting advice is my relationship with Jeremy. No one should ever give advice when they're only getting one side of the story.

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

>>No one should ever give advice when they're only getting one side of the story.

-- Beth (beth@xeney.com), August 04, 1999. <<<

Ah, if only more people would heed *that* advice! Much less advice giving would get done, and the world would be a better place. :)

As for online journaling, it hasn't really done anything for me or changed me, other than giving me a vehicle to amuse myself and some of my friends, and apparently some strangers as well.

But I was thinking about online life in general... I think being online in general and writing in forums for years has actually made me less inclined to argue with people and to put up with nastiness from people than I was when I first got into it and was a forum moderator on CSi and all that.

In the beginning, I always felt like I had to respond, and while responding, I had to always remain cool and detached no matter what kind of nasty or ignorant or hateful things the nutcases of cspace posted.

I got over feeling like I had to always respond, and I learned to detach from pointless arguments quicker and quicker, until I got to the point where I can avoid getting caught up in them altogether for the most part, and this is a Very Good Thing.

I also learned to pretty much disregard both the negative things people said *and* the postive things - to just not take either one to heart too much. I think if you believe your good press, you also gotta believe your bad press, so it's best to just say "thanks for the feedback and please spell my name right" in either case and go your merry way.

Which is a good thing to remember, I think, when you get both positive and negative feedback on a personal journal site, and when they start passing the awards around, for whatever they are worth to whoever cares about them.

Someone once told me along time ago that to be really "grownup" means to be pretty much independent of the opinions of others, and I believe that. So I guess you could say that being online in general helped me grow up in that sense, because it helped me become much less concerned about whether anyone (especially strangers) approved or dispproved of me or what I do.

Judy

-- Anonymous, August 04, 1999

At first it helped me get through one of the most difficult times in my life -- leaving home and recovering from a really tough break-up.

It's also gotten me involved in a community and I've made some good friends as a result. Friends and connections that I've needed badly since I moved out of my parents' home and into the big city.

More recently it's simply become a pressure valve, in which I can let off some steam and help keep my life on an even keel.

Throughout it's also become a medium of communication between myself and my SO. It's helped to spur some of the discussions that we SHOULD have been having in person, face to face in the first place, but weren't happening 'cos neither one of us wanted to admit things to each other.

It's done a lot of thins, most of them positive, very few of them negative.

It comes and goes with my need for it. When I was writing a lot, I needed to write a lot. Now I don't need it quite so much, so the entries have dwindled ... but it's still a constant companion, as is my paper journal.

-- Anonymous, August 05, 1999

i'm not a journaller. i write journal-like entries in my page (http://www.prism.gatech.edu/~gt0935a/fluxus/) but they aren't really journal entries. i DO write journals in paper form. Well, not really, it's more like writing practice. When it comes down to it, I'm a writer at heart. I love journals, but I find them a bit limiting. I love a well written journal, like beth's. But there are SOO many examples of poorly written journals out there on the web, mostly done by little 12 year old kids. They go too much into the details of things that don't matter. Superficial things that really make me wanna puke. And they never tell you how they feel about certain things. I've always thought of doing an online journal, but i think that it may be a bit too specific for my needs. my writing seems to not follow the "journal"ing format... but instead it is loosely reality based. I experiment a lot. Whatever.

-- Anonymous, September 03, 1999

I have written an online journal for the past year, with a break in the middle. It was up until the last two months completely anonymous, and still retains some of that now. I'm not an active member of the journal community, and its not a well known journal, so its not heavily trafficked. There are no links to it from the rest of my domain, so this gives me a freedom that quite a few of the other people who commented seemed to not have. This has been the most important part of it for me; if I had to censor myself, I doubt I would have stuck with it.

When I stopped the journal for a while, I didn't exactly miss it, but I stopped writing right when I needed to be doing it most. Having the journal online gives me more of a kick in the butt to write than I would if I just had a paper journal (I still keep one for bits and pieces and sketches).

The journalling might not have changed me, but it gives me a record of how I was thinking and feeling, which surprisingly I forget quite quickly. This has been especially important as over the course of the journal I have been dealing with the debris from the breakdown of several significant relationships, and trying to look at some patterns in those.

So, its been a very important experience for me, and one that would probably have been quite different if it had not been a)online and b)anonymous.

c (http://transgress.net/peek)

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999

This journal changed my life more than I ever thought it would. I am more open with people. You know the weirdest thing? People are more open with me. Some people are more chatty with me than they ever were before and I realize it's because they read my journal. They know who I am.

I've made closer friends with people this way, and I like it.

The weirdest thing? People I interviewed with for my new job had read my journal before I showed up. I had interview questions like, "How's your cat?" "Do you really work with Vampires?" and my favorite, "You didn't quit smoking for long, right? Do you want to go have one?"

Having people know you before you meet them and try to impress them? That was pretty friggin weird.

(I got the job, though, so they must have liked it)

-- Anonymous, September 17, 1999