at first blush this may seem off topic... but i feel that it is not.

this subject has been raised by cl, bonnie, and various others as a reason for my constant haranguing of the dangers inherent in allowing the nukes to remain online during the rollover.

i feel i need to set the record straight... in doing so this may seem to be other than what it is, but i will attempt to tell you, right up front, what it is not... it is 'not' a bid for sympathy in order to further my ambitions to have the nukes turned off. it is the truth... that is all that it is.

when i was eight years of age i contracted bulbar polio, bulbar polio was not like the other types of polio where it paralyzed your arms or legs... bulbar polio affected your ability to breathe and swallow. it is the most treacherous of the polio afflications and most do not survive.

i was placed in an oxygen tent and the prognosis was not good... i was dying. there was a young priest, or so i am told, who was quite at a loss of what to do with the young, good looking couple as they stood there and watched their oldest child dying. i received the last rites three times. i could not breathe, i spoke as though i were retarded, and i was unable to swallow. you are only supposed to receive the last rites once.

physically i am small, whenever we lined up at school i was first... the tallest came last. the physicians held out no hope for my survival and my parents were besides themselves. i do not know how long this critical phase lasted... i only remember one thing, and the thing i remember i did not tell my parents.

i had been laying in that oxygen tank for what seemed like forever and i was aware of sliding further and further away from my parents... all of a sudden i was in the corner of the room, up near the ceiling, and i remember looking down through the eyes of an eight year old, and thinking... i am all here, even my legs, and i became engrossed with the fact that i was suspended about four feet from the floor, and that my legs were dangling.

almost simultaneously, i was aware of being on another plane of existence[i know this is going to be quite a stretch for the engineers on this group... maybe everyone on this group, but there i was.]

this is like trying to explain what a kiwi fruit tastes like to someone who has never eaten one.

now, i was raised in catholic schools so one would logically imagine that i would see jesus, mary, et al... not so. i was aware of interacting with very *wise* beings, i perceived them as men initially but it seemed as though there were women also. there was a sense of overwhelming peace and contentment, and a sense of having the answers to the universe.

it was conveyed to me, not by speaking, that it was up to me... i could either stay or return. it was sooooooooo peaceful there... total contentment. i looked at my parents, i had just been declared dead in their world, and i saw that my father was crying hysterically, i had never seen him cry, much less in that hysterical fashion. i was back immediately.

i opened my eyes and said, "don't worry about me daddy... i'm not going to die."

the doctors could not believe that i was turning around, and the word miracle was bandied about. i was transferred to a childrens hospital and spent quite a long time in an iron lung, from there i graduated to a room with four beds and three other children.

there was another girl with bulbar polio, one night i saw them trying to feed her by placing a tube in her nose and down her throat into her stomache. i looked over and said to the nurse, "poor linda." the nurse replied that i was next... our veins were collapsing from all the iv's during the prior months and since we could not swallow the medical staff was at a loss as to how to keep us alive... this seemed to be the answer.

linda died that night, and the next day they attempted to feed me the same way. i was not having any of it. it took the entire nursing staff plus the residents and a doctor to get that damn tube down my nose, this with much carrying on. when, over an hour later, they finally got the liquid in my stomache i was informed that that was the way i would be fed from now on. i immediately sat up and threw up all over my bed... and i informed 'them' that i would do 'that' each and everytime that they tried.

even though they knew i couldn't swallow they said alright you may have food if you eat enough to stay alive, they knew that there was no way that i could swallow the food... my throat was paralyzed. well, i did... small amounts at first and then regular meals... they could not believe it. i learned to speak correctly and if you saw me today you would never know that i had had polio or any other life threatening disease... there are no outward signs.

i was in a car accident approximately three years ago and i experienced some problems with my throat... i was sent to a specialist and, after many tests, i was told that if i was a child and brought into them with the way my throat is today,even with all the technology available... the parents would be told that the child would never be able to eat food like everyone else.

so where am i going with this? i wanted to find a kind way, since bonnie seemed to think that fear was the driving issue too, to inform the forum that fear is *NOT* what drives me... i *never* say die and that is the difference between bonnie an i... i will not give up. it does not mean that i will be successful in having the nukes turned off for the rollover... it means that i will not stop trying to have the nukes turned off for the rollover.

i realize that i have made my self vulnerable to ridicule by telling this story, but that is another thing that i can handle. i really do not suffer the need for others to approve of what i say or do.

and before someone gets it in their head that i am this poor crippled thing... i am very attractive, well built and quite intelligent.

remember... i am here to keep you on your toes.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 1999

Answers

Simply amazing Marianne.

Congratulations and I truly admire you.

I knew you were not what you were being accused of. See my latest post on Dan the Power Man's challenge to your challenge. Maybe it will help a little.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 1999

Marianne,

Wow, what a terrific story. It gave me goose bumps. I have read about things like you are saying but I have never actually known the person. Now I do. And I can see why you feel you're right to be so committed to your task. You are probably correct about that matter. You have already been to the edge of life as we know it and then directed to return for further duty. Peace and love,

-- Anonymous, July 17, 1999

Marianne,

Hmm, you must be about my age, too, cause I recall the polio epidemics when I was young.

Very inspirational.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 1999

Fear makes us all say things we normally wouldn't. In some cases passing through fear makes us stronger, in others it deepens wounds which are not healing yet. I think it made you stronger.

Y2K fear is palpable amoung us as a group here now. It WILL spread to John Public sooner or later. It's gonna get really wierd for a while and only those who really welcome the fear and work through it will make it. Good luck to you all. The will to survive means Face Everything And Recover not F#$%^ Everything And Run

-- Anonymous, July 17, 1999

Marianne,

What a moving and inspirational story. I too am challenged (MS) and because of my determination, I have two Masters Degrees and administrated both non-profit and profit organizations in a short (15 yr)but wonderfully successful career. MS gave me a new one as a sculpturer.

I believe that because of my challenges and my willingness to face reality and grow as a fully alive person despite it has been why I "got it" soon after reading about the complexity of our deeply interwoven and interdependent society that could so easly have cascading failures. I know about how easily failure can relult in cascading failures in a complex interwoven and interdependent structure (my brain).

Thank you for "coming out" and sharing the strength and courage of your journey. We'll need all the strength and courage we can find with Y2K. You've walked the walk and your experience is invaluable to those that can hear you.

-- Anonymous, July 18, 1999

My dad 'died' and returned thus. No kiwi questions, just euphoria.

Fear is a direct translation of avoidance of pain. Pain on the scale of irradiating the planet is a wise caution. I'm with you. However the money grubbing will not want to jeopardize their profits methinks. Sad. Hey FactFinder, how do we petition the NRC to shut down the questionable nukes?

-- Anonymous, July 18, 1999

Thanks for sharing your story with us.

-- Anonymous, July 18, 1999

Awesome story Marianne. Thanks for sharing. I think the relevance as you and others pointed out is that you moved through the fear to find solutions. There is great fear with all the unknowns of Y2K, but we are all trying to find solutions. With regard to shutdown of the nuclear plants - either of all of them to assure a safe restart - or of any that have not proven they are compliant - I still maintain that there is a Catch 22 in that the whole "grid" depends on the power from the nukes. If we shut down the nukes we would risk the shutdown of the whole grid. Especially true in the northeast where a higher percent of the power comes from nuclear plants than here where I am in CA. How do we get around this? Only by massive energy rationing? Could this even be done? And politically/economically would it be likely to be done? And WHEN could it or would it be done?

Any thoughts?

-- Anonymous, July 18, 1999

Linda,

Good thinking. They ration water during a drought, so yes, ration power during the rollover--first four months of the year or so. Sorry, but you will have to shut down one-qurter of your manufacturing. Hell, it's a national emergency. Ration residential and have block wardens a la the blackouts in WWII. I know the anti- government people won't like it, but this is war of a kind...

-- Anonymous, July 18, 1999

Wars usually have a General. Someone is in charge. Senator Bennet said a long long time ago that what we needed was a "war effort". But what have have we gotten from Clinton [rhetorical - don't answer], what have we gotten from Mr. Technology, Mr. Inventor-of-the-Internet Gore? Ha!

Rationing would be bad for business. Nuff said. If it is bad for the bottom line we can't even consider it. We wouldn't be in this mess today if many many decisions along the way hadn't put short term bottom line ahead of long term survival.

-- Anonymous, July 18, 1999

Leadership? I just saw a documentary on a vessel that went down off the Australian coast--a passenger ship run by a Greek captain and crew. As the boat was sinking, the crew got off in half-filled lifeboats and the captain sat by one of the stairways, in a daze, smoking. The ship's entertainers took over leadership and when help arrived eventually, ran the rescue operation from the ship side and were the last be be taken off by helicopter. The boat sank. All of this was documented by graphic video footage, by the way-- fascinating. So, leadership? Leaders lead and that, obviously, isn't always our elected officials. They have their pointf view, of course. Surely they have decided that nondisclosure is the only way because they don't trust us. And we don't trust them. An interesting impasse.

-- Anonymous, July 18, 1999

Dear Marianne,

Thank you for sharing your story with us. Your stength is admirable. The words "do not fear" are in the Bible 365 times. The words pray and prepare are also mentioned numerous times.

God Bless You,

-- Anonymous, July 18, 1999