Are you more apathetic? Less? Do you find that the older you get, the harder it is to take your younger self seriously? And is this a good or bad thing?

Jeez, I sound like I'm writing an essay exam. 250 words, please, double spaced, and check your spelling.

-- Anonymous, July 15, 1999

Answers

I find that my older self tends to think of my really really younger self (like thirteen) to be really silly, but I'm still rather sympathetic towards my not-too-younger self.

I find that the older I get the more fired up I get. Although I look back and think "I used to go to school all day and then go to work for four hours and then rehearse until one in the morning, crawl back to my dorm and talk on the phone until four, sleep for four hours and do it all again. How did I do that?"

Now I realize I do all of those things, but I do it with a car instead of walking. And I work 40 hours instead of eleven. And I have more jobs than I ever did.

I think I'm afraid to stop moving.

"Oh, you're young," people say to me. "That'll all change soon."

But I hope it doesn't. I like being busy. I hate being bored.

-- Anonymous, July 15, 1999

...i'd have to say more apathetic --- or perhaps tired is better word...back when i was in college i had plans on being a civil rights attorney who would work at saving the world from itself...

...well i'm not...i got burnt out on non-profits before i even graduated and decided to bag law school before i even applied...my second choice was to get my PhD. in literary criticism, but i've never followed through on that either...

...but who knows...underneath it all i don't think my choices are particulary bad ones...and i'm glad i didn't spend another 60-100K discovering that grad school or law school wasn't my cup of tea...my life just doesn't "serve the community" the way i expected...

...i guess what remains key [for me] in all this is simply self-awareness and keeping 'a hand in' --- even if it is only voting and listening to NPR...

...in many respects, i guess that's why i keep ellipses around...it's reminds me about where i've been, what i've done...even if they are seemingly minor accomplishments...so long as i continue to move forward, it can't be all that bad...

-- Anonymous, July 15, 1999

I'm not such a drama queen, in general. It's easier for me to say "oh, whatever" and move on from things that upset me in my personal life. I think I have more of a sense that if someone is an asshole to me, they're going to fuck themselves up in bigger ways as they go through life and it will all work out.

I no longer get as irritated at pointless corporate things I sometimes have to do. yeah, yeah, just teach me to fill out the form or show me the hoop to jump through. I don't spend time complaining about this the way I once would have.

I still get angry about political and social things I feel strongly about, some major, some minor. That's not different. I have a bigger understanding of how the world works and roll my eyes at the "Why don't they just ???" my younger self would have said. I see that as a good thing. It's not that I take my younger self less seriously, just that I know more know. I love it when I talk to a teenager and they're all fired up to change the world, even when I'm thinking it will never work. It's a wonderful change from the adult cynics who seem to loom large in my life.

-- Anonymous, July 15, 1999

Sometimes I feel as if I've barely changed at all, especially when things like my temper and my over-emotionality crop up.

Then I remember how BAD my temper used to be and how much better I am able to contral/defuse it now.

I still take things too seriously though -- get too worked up about things, both happy and sad. I'm a study in extremes and still trying to find a happy medium.

In terms of apathy -- yes, I am more apathetic, cynical and jaded now. If you thought I was self-absorbed as a teen, you'd be frightened about how much more so I am now. This does not mean that I am not generous with my time to friends and family when the time comes, but it does mean that my focus on life has gotten so much smaller than it used to be.

When I was younger I had BIG HOPES! and BIG DREAMS! and BIG AMBITIONS!

Now I'm just happy if the bills get paid.

Very little ambition, very little motivation, just a sort of ... ceaseless sense of unrest and uneasiness which point lightly to all of the things that are wrong, but which I can never seem to do anything about unless I lose my temper and go into hyper overdrive to fix them.

(Like the laundry)

-- Beth {narrative} -- http://littleowl.com/narrative

P.S. Welcome back Xeney:)

-- Anonymous, July 15, 1999

Pamie, I think I'm just the opposite -- I cut the much-younger me a lot of slack, but when I think of myself two years or two months ago, I want to go back in time and slap myself.

-- Anonymous, July 15, 1999

My younger self was indeed much more idealistic. Silly girl. These days it's a lot easier to just be a little more fatalistic about the world. Probably because I'm more sure of my place in it. Change the things you can and all that...The phrase Older and Wiser rings in my head. But what frightens me is - If I'm more accepting and less argumentative now, how am I going to be in 10 years time ??? Now, that's frightening.

-- Anonymous, July 15, 1999

Over the Holidays last year my boyfriend, David, came home with me. One night we were flipping the card catalogue of videotapes (Mom's a librarian) and David found one titled, "Heather's 16th Birthday". "Oh! Your Sweet 16! Let's watch it!" "Sure" I naively replied as I pulled down the tape and stuck it in.

Not 3 minutes later we were wrestling on the couch as I desperately tried to get the remote from him so I could turn it off. He was laughing so hard, I almost succeeded, but no, we sat the whole awful cake/present affair. It was horrifying (and completely amusing to David) to see how PROUNOUNCED some of my less desirable characteristics were 10 years ago.

"Hey, you use that look on me ALL the TIME! Wow, you hold it a lot better these days."

Anyhow, I'm just now learning to like myself and not despair over my more, er, human traits. I'm still horrified over some of my behavior dating from last year; the further back it goes, the easier it is to believe I've changed.

Still, I look forward to 40. In 14 years I hope to be serene and wise. I mean, that's what happens in exchange for aging, right? ....Right?

-- Anonymous, July 15, 1999

My older self is a lot more fond of my much younger self, say 10 and 14. In fact, my older self has a pretty romantic vision of what that younger self was all about. My older self (at 26) is both irritated and amused at my somewhat younger self, say 17 or 21.

I feel simultaneously relieved that I'm older and less wound up about every little thing in the universe, and somewhat saddened by the fact that I'm not as passionate about the same things I used to be.

Still, I think I'm happier now than I ever was before. But still, there are sad edges. I feel like I'm in this constant process of collecting the bits of each self I've ever had, trying to create the self I want to be.

Oh dear, that was really vague and la la la.

-- Anonymous, July 15, 1999

It all breaks down to one thing a friend of mine told me a few weeks ago: "The best thing about getting older is that you Know More about life and Care Less about the stupid crap."

Its the truth, because I'd NEVER wind back the clock. I'd have to catch back up to this poiint of cynicism, and thats just too damn much work.

The one thing that HASN'T changed... my typing is still shitty.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 1999

Is a few years 2 or 10 or 20... I mean to someone just turning 30, two years might seem like ages, but to someone turning 48 this year, two years isn't very long, in terms of thinking about one's "younger self."

In the past 2 years, I haven't changed much. In the past 20, I've gotten much more realistic and accepting of myself, other people, and about life in general.

Judy http://www.judywatt.com

-- Anonymous, July 16, 1999

If a psychic had told me just three years ago what my life would be like now, I would've demanded a refund. I grew up in a small town. I was married to a car mechanic and lived in yet another tiny logging town. We shared custody of his two young children and, for entertainment, got drunk (at the Moose Lodge because it was cheap)and fought HARD when the kids were away.

Now my life is full of travel and musicals and art shows. I'm married to a man that hasn't had a drink in his life, and I live in the Dallas/Fort Worth area with about four million other people.

What I'm getting to (and it's about time) is that *I* haven't really changed. My whole world is different, but *I* am the same. It's taking a while to grow into this.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 1999

I was talking with some friends about this recently. We're all either just over or under 30 years old, and the other female in the group & I agreed that with age we've become more confident in ourselves. Interestingly - the men in the group felt the opposite way.

The guys felt that in the past ten years they'd lost a certain amount of their swagger - that not only do they believe that they can no longer take on the world/make a difference/be all they can be/etc, but they wouldn't even entertain the thought, so far-fetched does it seem to them.

The females (all two of us) agreed that we've never felt so confident or able to set and achieve goals or just take care of ourselves and deal with life as we are now.

So I don't know how widespread these sentiments are - unscientific as the poll was.

But I do know that I've got a month and a half left before I turn thirty - and I simply can't wait.

-- Anonymous, July 16, 1999

Change? Change?! CHANGE?!!

I'm certain the changes have happened in subtle form, even though they seem so extreme. Somedays I'm certain that the death of my idealistic youth has been downfall of all time and space - the tradgedy of my little world, at least. Do we really have the experience in life by age 30 to realize all the possible equations?

Sounds absurd, but am stuck in the idea that life is not fair and it certainly wasn't ever meant to be; it just is.

(In saying all this I realize that I really miss that carefree, idealistic perspective. At the same time, blatant naivety is like nails on a chalkboard. I get the shivers and can't stop rolling my eyes.)

--so glad you're back.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 1999

Christine -- that's really interesting, although now that I think about it I'm not really surprised. Boys get encouraged early to take on the world; I think a lot of women still develop that impulse later in life.

I seem to be an exception -- the older I get, the less confident I am. It's gotten rapidly worse in the last few years.

-- Anonymous, July 17, 1999