On a lighter side....greenspun.com : LUSENET : Catholic : One Thread
A man prayed each day, with his whole heart and soul "Dear God please let me win the lottery, please, I could do so much good with the money." After about a month he prayed even harder "Please, please grant me this Oh Lord, help me win the lottery."
A Thunderous Voice comes from Heaven and says " My dear child please help me out here, buy a ticket."
-- Jamey (email@example.com), July 01, 1999
A jewish man was at total odds with what to do with his son of twenty. Having gone to his Rabbi the advise was " let us kneel and pray to the Father. "
After Prayers the Rabbi turned and suggested the following approach: " When you return home I would like you place on the kitchen table three articles. First a Bible - should he chose this thank God - second a one hundred bill - should he chose this thank God for he could become a business man - third a bottle of good whiskey - should he chose this you will have many problems. -
When the son returned home and saw the articles he hesitated for a moment only. Walking briskly forward he picked up the bible tucking it under his arm placed the one hundred dollar bill in his pocket and opened the whiskey took a swig and walked out.
The father perplexed phoned the Rabbi and related what happened. A moment of silence from the Rabbi ensued and he then exclaimed. " My God he is going to be a Catholic priest!! "
-- jean bouchard (firstname.lastname@example.org), July 01, 1999.
Bill Clinton, Hillary and Al Gore were sailing off Martha's Vineyard when the boat capsized and sank with all three aboard. The trio found themselves in the presence of God, sitting on his throne in heaven. God said, "Before I let you through the pearly gates, I need to ask each of you a question. Bill, what do you believe?" Bill replies, "Oh, God, I believe in feeling your pain. And I believe in helping all people being treated equally, and sharing the wealth." "Sounds okay to me," says God. And to Al Gore, God asks,"Tell me, Al, what do you believe?" And Al Gore replies, "Oh, I believe in the environment, and getting people out of their cars and saving the whales." To which, God replies, "Sounds okay." Then god leans forward in his throne and asks Hillary, "Hillary, what do you believe?" To which Hillary snaps, "I believe you're sitting in my chair."
-- Richard Canion (email@example.com), August 30, 1999.
Speaking about the lottery, here was a middle class mexican in front of the image of the Virgin of Guadalupe: "madrecita, help me win the lottery in order to send my sons to college". next to him a very poor man kneels down and prays "madrecita, help me get five pesos to eat a taco, a'm very hungry" and he goes on and on repeating the same thing. suddenly the other man takes out of his pocket a fifty pesos bill he hands it to the poor man and says "go, and buy yourself ten tacos, but please don't distract her".
-- ENRIQUE ORTIZ (firstname.lastname@example.org), September 01, 1999.
Following the trend of Globalization and huge company mergings, the Devil called St. Peter to a business meeting saying: "You see, the world has changed, Russians and Americans don4t hate each other any more, Jews and Arabs are close to find a way togheter, the cold war is over and so on. So there is no point in our competitiveness. So I4m inviting you to a meeting to see if we can manage to merge Heaven and Hell and put away our differences". Peter found it strange, but decided to give it a try. When the day came, the Devil showed up followed by a dozen men. Peter came alone. So the Devil said: "Well here I am, and these are my lawyers, who will deal with the technical problems of the merger. By the way, where are YOUR lawyers, Peter?" Lokking very embarrassed and scratching his head, he answered "You know, I really tried very hard, but I could find no one up there, so I had to come alone...".
Sorry, you lawyers out there, there4s no "politically correct" joke... ;-)
-- Atila (email@example.com), September 06, 1999.
A man was praying. His dialogue with God went like this:
- O Lord, is it true that one milion years is like one second for Thee? - Yes, my son. - And is it also true that one million dollars are like one cent for Thee? - Indeed, yes. - So, my Lord, would you give me one cent? - Of course, my son, just wait a second...
-- Atila (firstname.lastname@example.org), September 06, 1999.
There was a telephone call from hell, to St. Peter: hey, Peter, this is Satan, what about a base ball game between your people and mine?
Peter: o.k. Satan, but you won't have any chance of winning: we have here Babe Ruth, Di Maggio, yogi Berra, Cy Young, etc etc.
Satan: that's okay, Peter, but we have here all the umpires!!!
-- ENRIQUE ORTIZ (email@example.com), September 07, 1999.
This a very very politically incorrect joke towards our friends who are Jews, but as it was told me by a Jew Friend here it goes...
A catholic priest, a protestant pastor and a rabbi were chatting. The conversation came to the point of how they seppareted the money collected from the faithful.
- You see, said the priest, I draw a circle in the floor, step inside it and throw the money up. What falls inside the circle is mine, what falls outside is God4s.
- Really? asked the pastor. That4s funny, 4couse my method is very similar! The only difference is that what falls inside I give to God, and I take the money that falls outside the circle.
- My method is similar too, said the rabbi. The difference is this: I step inside the circle and throw up the money. Whatever God grasps is his...
-- Atila (firstname.lastname@example.org), September 10, 1999.