1999 Darwin Awards - Candidates Dying To Win 6-4-99

The first candidate!

Already, the first candidate for the 1999 Darwin Awards is circulating on the Net. The Darwin Awards are annually bestowed upon (the remains of) individuals who have given their all in an effort to improve our gene pool. The Darwin Awards applaud those who have made the ultimate sacrifice of killing themselves by the most extraordinarily stupid means.

The Awards commemorate those who find innovatively moronic ways of killing themselves, thereby helping to eliminate undesirable weaknesses from the human gene pool. And so, without further ado, the first candidate for '99:

MAN DIES IN FREAK ACCIDENT

CHARLOTTESVILLE, Va. (Nov. 13) -- A 39-year-old Charlottesville man died

Thursday in a freak accident involving his washing machine. According to police reports, Samuel Randolph Strickson was doing laundry when he tried

to speed up the process. Strickson apparently tried to stuff approximately 50 pounds of laundry into his washing machine by climbing on top of the washer and attempting to force the clothing into the basin.

Strickson then apparently accidentally kicked the washing machine's ON button. When the machine turned on, Strickson lost his balance and both feet went down into the machine, where they got stuck. The machine started its cycle, and Strickson, unable to free himself, started thrashing around as the machine's agitator went into gear. Strickson's head banged against a nearby shelf in the laundry room, knocking over a bottle of bleach, which poured over Strickson's face, blinding him. Forensic reports say Strickson apparently also swallowed some of the bleach. He then vomited, but was still unable to free himself. Strickson's dog, then apparently came into the laundry room. At about the same time, according to police, a large box of baking soda fell from the shelf, startling the dog, who then urinated. Urine, like vinegar, is acidic, and the chemical reaction between the urine and the baking soda resulted in a small explosion," according to police reports. The dog, however, escaped unharmed. Strickson remained stuck in the washing machine, which eventually went into its high-speed spin cycle, spinning Strickson round at about 70 miles per hour, according to forensic experts. Strickson's head then smashed against a steel beam behind the washing machine, immediately killing him. A neighbor heard the commotion

and called 911, but Strickson was pronounced dead at the scene.

GRAVITY KILLS

A 22-year-old Reston man was found dead yesterday after he tried to use Occy straps (the stretchy little ropes with hooks on each end) to bungee jump off a 70-foot railroad trestle, police said. Fairfax County police said Eric Barcia, a fast-food worker, taped a bunch of these straps together, wrapped an end around one foot, anchored the other end to the trestle at Lake Accotink Park, jumped ... and hit the pavement. Warren Carmichael, a police spokesman, said investigators think Barcia was alone because his car was found nearby. "The length of the cord that he had assembled was greater than the distance between the trestle and the ground," Carmichael said. Police say the apparent cause of death was "major trauma." An autopsy is scheduled for later in the week.

THEY SAY THOSE THINGS WILL KILL YOU . . .

Not much was given to me on this unlucky fellow, but he qualifies nonetheless. You see, there was a gentleman from Korea who was killed by his cell phone ..more or less. He was doing the usual "walking and talking" when he walked into a tree and managed to somehow break his neck. Keep that in mind the next time you decide to drive and dial at the same time.

GIMME A LIGHT!

Several years ago, in a west Texas town, employees in a medium-sized Warehouse noticed the smell of a gas leak. Sensibly, management evacuated the building, extinguishing all potential sources of ignition-lights, power, etc. After the building had been evacuated, two technicians from the gas company were dispatched. Upon entering the building, they found they had difficulty navigating in the dark. To their frustration, none of the lights worked. Witnesses later described the vision of one of the technicians reaching into his pocket, and retrieving an object that resembled a lighter. Upon operation of the lighter-like object, the gas in the warehouse exploded, sending pieces of it up to three miles away. Nothing was found of the technicians, but the lighter was virtually Untouched by the explosion. The technician that was suspected of causing the explosion had never been thought of as "bright" by his peers.

Runner-Up:

Vermont native, Ronald Demuth, found himself in a difficult position yesterday. While touring the Eagle's Rock African Safari (Zoo) with a group of thespians from St. Petersburg, Russia, Demuth went over board to show them one of America's many marvels. He demonstrated the effectiveness of "Crazy Glue" ... the hard way. Apparently, Demuth wanted to demonstrate just how good the adhesive was, so he put about 3 ounces of the adhesive in the palms of his hands, and jokingly placed them on the buttocks of a passing rhino. The rhino, a resident of the zoo for the past thirteen years, was not initially startled as it has been part of the petting exhibit since its arrival as a baby. However, once it became aware of its being involuntarily stuck to Demuth, it began to panic and ran around the petting area wildly making Demuth an unintended passenger. "Sally (the rhino) hasn't been feeling well lately. She had been very constipated. We had just given her a laxative and some depressants to relax her bowels, when Demuth played his juvenile prank," said James Douglass, caretaker. During Sally's tirade two fences were destroyed, a shed wall was gored, and a number of small animals escaped. Also, during the stampede, three pygmy goats and one duck were stomped to death. As for Demuth, it took a team of medics and zoo caretakers over four hours to remove his hands from the rhino's buttocks. First, the animal had to be captured and calmed down. However, during this process the laxatives began to take hold and Demuth was repeatedly showered with over 30 gallons of rhino diarrhea. "It was tricky. We had to calm her down, while at the same time shield our faces from being pelted with rhino dung. I guess you could say that Demuth was into it up to his neck. Once she was under control, we had three people with shovels working to keep an air passage open for Mr. Demuth. We were able to tranquilize her and apply a solvent to remove his hands from her rear, " said Douglass. "I don't think he'll be playing with Crazy Glue for a while." meanwhile, the Russians, while obviously amused, also were impressed with the power of the adhesive. "I'm going to buy some for my children, but of course they can't take it to the zoo," commented Vladimir Zolnikov, leader of the troupe.

-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), June 05, 1999

Answers

Hmmmm, why does the thought of crazy glue and Pamela Anderson spring to mind... :)

-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), June 05, 1999.

The first story has some chemically "implausible" components to it.

Dave

-- Dave (aaa@aaa.com), June 05, 1999.

The Darwin Awards are always morbidly funny, but now we can't help thinking: What about the Big Darwinian Cull coming next year?

The huge Darwin Award of over 1,000,000,000 dead because of two little digits? So laughable that only 1% of the population takes it seriously -- who will get the last laugh? The blind arrogant stupidity leading up to Rollover beats anything we've ever read about.

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-- Ashton & Leska in Cascadia (allaha@earthlink.net), June 05, 1999.

None of those stories sounds plausible. I don't believe that any of them actually happened. They remind me of stuff guys tell women in bars when they want to elicit some reaction, or the stuff my big brother used to tell me when I was a dumb(er) little kid.

-- not (buying@any.ofit), June 05, 1999.

The CSY2K Gerbil Story : [ Yes, this really is up there! ]

"Following is an idea that might help... let us know how this works out.

>hey hey hey i need a big enema. can anyone help me? i thought maybe
>i kud use a fire hose. do you think the sh** would clog it up???
>HUH??? would it permanetly stretch my hin ey hole?

>please oh please help me get an enema. will they crash too in 2000?

A friend sent me this story which appeared in the Los Angeles Times a while back:

"In retrospect, lighting the match was my big mistake. But I was only trying to retrieve the gerbil," Eric Tomaszewski told bemused doctors in the severe burns unit of Salt Lake City Hospital. Tomaszewski, and his homosexual partner Andrew "Kiki" Farnum, had been admitted for emergency treatment after a felching session had gone seriously wrong.

"I pushed the cardboard tube up his rectum and slipped Raggot, our gerbil, in," he explained. "As usual, Kiki shouted out 'Armageddon', my cue that he'd had enough. I tried to retrieve Raggot but he wouldn't come out again, so I peered into the tube and struck a match, thinking the light might attract him."

At a hushed press conference, a hospital spokesman described what happened next: The match ignited a pocket of intestinal gas and a flame shot out the tubing, igniting Mr. Tomaszewski's hair and severely burning his face. It also set fire to the gerbil's fur and whiskers which in turn ignited a larger pocket of gas further up the intestine, propelling the rodent out like a cannonball. Mr. Tomaszewski suffered second degree burns and a broken nose from the impact of the gerbil, while Farnum suffered first and second degree burns to his anus and lower intestinal tract.
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Some SCARY observations about this story:

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1. "I pushed a cardboard tube up his rectum" - Really? Ouch!

2. "So I peered into the tube"? Aaaaaaaaaahhhhhhhhh!!! I'm sorry, but that's like looking through a telescope into hell. I'd rather use binoculars to stare at the sun!

3. That poor gerbil (who obviously suffers from low self-esteem) being shot out of the guy's anus like Rocky The Flying Squirrel.

4. Suffering a broken nose from a gerbil being launched out of someone's anus. I'm just guessing, but I seriously doubt that said gerbil was springtime fresh after his little journey into Kiki's "tunnel of love."

5. People who do this kind of thing and then admit what they were doing when taken to the emergency room. Sorry, but I think I would have made up a story about a gang of roving pyromaniac anal sex fiends breaking into my house and sodomizing me with a charcoal lighter before I admitted the truth. Call me old fashioned, but I just can't imagine looking at a doctor and saying, "Well Doc, it's like this. See, we have this gerbil named Raggot and we took this cardboard tube..."

6. "First and second degree burns to the anus"? Wouldn't this make the burning itch and discomfort of hemorrhoids a welcome relief? And, the smell of burning anus must be in the top five most horrible scents on the face of God's green earth.

7. Men named "Kiki", which is obviously a Polynesian word for "idiotic men who insert rodents up their butts".

8. What kind of a hospital would hold a press conference on this?

Of course, then there are flame-throwers like Dechert who have their head planted firmly inside and may not even *NEED* a gerbil for this kind of stunt...

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Note: we did not write any of the above; this is just a copy 'n paste from csy2k. Cruising csy2k can be quite an experience ;^)

Idiotic relief to the Y2K tension.
Doubt that ppl really do such weird things, but after working in hospital ER and hearing the Doc's stories, we believe more than we used to.

Little wonder that Y2K has come into being ...

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-- Ashton & Leska in Cascadia (allaha@earthlink.net), June 05, 1999.

thanks andy!! that was hilarious!!! right up there with theonion.com---never can laugh too much!

-- dory (crtwheel@eburg.com), June 05, 1999.

and for an on-topic y2k laugh- sort of- My son received a catalog in the mail- military high priced "stuff"- with a big y2k "headquarters" logo- and on the Y2k products page- Y2k MRE's- "Unlike traditional MRE's which you have to eat cold or use an MRE heater, the main entree comes in a microwavable tray for easy heat-up.".......sigh... yes- this is for real......

-- anita (hillsidefarm@drbs.com), June 05, 1999.