Look, we're for peaceful co-existence. We're not really that far apart. You worship the Vindictive Crybaby SchoolMarm Jesus -- many Subs worship the Live-It-Up, Hell-Raisin', FIGHTIN' JESUS. You worship a dead guy on a stick, we worship a chopped-off head that gets hit with a stick. Isn't there some common ground? (The Founder of Christianity wans't as asqueamish as his modern fan club. He was compassionate towards the weirdos, sinners, and victims of his day, and he was also PISSED at the NORMALS of his day. And, like "Bob," he didn't want to KILL them, but merely to LEAD them, as a shepherd leads his flock. Keeping them happy until the slaughter. The Harvest...ahhh, yes... THE HARVEST!!!)

-- J.R."BOB" Dobbs ("BOB"@subgenious.com/index.html), May 28, 1999

Answers

O.T. City....please leave sir; we need a responsible forum.

-- Feller (feller@wanna.help), May 28, 1999.

You, Sir, are a FREAK!

-- whatever! (blah@blah.com), May 28, 1999.

I aM HArdLY A chRISTIaN!!!!!!! bUT DIetER VEry mUCh wANtS tO kiLL YOU ANywAY!!!!! jacKASS BastARD!!!!!! cAN YoU SEE It????? moROn!!!!! i hATe yOu!!!!!!

-- Dieter (questions@toask.com), May 28, 1999.

Yeah JR we got some common ground. COME ON MY GROUND AND I'LL CHOP YOUR HEAD OFF AND BEAT IT WITH A STICK!!!!!

-- Country boy (I can skin @abuck.com), May 28, 1999.

Someone pullleeeeeeze, cut J.R.'s phone line. Sure bet he can't leave the room.

-- Barry Jaynes (bchbear@earthlink.net), May 28, 1999.

J.R. I have you to know Jesus is not some dead guy that I worship on a stick. Jesus is very much alive sitting on the right hand of God. And I can tell you this nothing can match what Jesus has done for us. He die for ALL OF OUR SINS. Nothing you worship has or will ever come close to the love that the Lord Jesus Christ have for us. And I mean ALL OF US.

-- Lyn Truss (StormieLyn@webtv.com), May 28, 1999.

"I am the way, the truth, and the Life, no one comes to the Father but by Me." Jesus Christ John 14:6

-- messenger (anon@yahoo.com), May 28, 1999.

Y2K is the forum. Christians are OK, Jesus sucks, Bob and Dieter rock. So what? Y2K is the forum.

-- Uhm... (jfcp81a@prodigy.com), May 28, 1999.

http://www.washingtonpost.com/wp-srv/WPcap/1999-05/28/053r-052899- idx.html

Graduation Crowd Prays Md. Teen Who Objected Walks Out By Lyndsey Layton Washington Post Staff Writer Friday, May 28, 1999; Page A01

It started with a loud, clear voice, a man's voice. And it spread quickly through the hall, picking up the tenors of teenage boys, whispers of young girls and throaty voices of grandmothers. With each word, it grew more determined.

"Our Father, who art in Heaven . . . " The defiant group, thousands strong, ignored a school ban on prayer and insisted that God be part of a Calvert County high school graduation ceremony Wednesday night.

A student who had successfully appealed for a moment of silence rather than a formal prayer, walked out in protest. When he tried to return to the ceremony to collect his diploma, he was detained in a squad car and threatened with arrest by state police. School officials -- saying they feared he might disrupt the school-sponsored cruise around Baltimore Harbor -- barred him from the graduation party for which he'd already bought a ticket.

"This is a churchgoing community, and no one in Annapolis or Washington, D.C., is going to tell us when and where we can pray," said County Commissioners President Linda L. Kelley (R-Owings), who joined in the recitation of the Lord's Prayer. "The school administrators did the legal thing and complied with the law. But the audience took this one over."

The American Civil Liberties Union of Maryland said yesterday that an emotional majority trampled over the lone teenage boy and the Constitution.

"A student was arrested because he disagreed with the majority and he tried to address that in a responsible way," said Suzanne Smith, of the ACLU, adding that she considered the fact that police detained Nick Becker, 18, equivalent to arrest. No charges have been filed against Becker although state police Lt. George McKeon said yesterday a complaint might still be forthcoming.

"The real loser here is the Constitution and the right of people to express dissent," Smith said, adding that the ACLU is investigating the incident. "I'm appalled by this."

Calvert County, a rural peninsula south of Washington, is a politically conservative place where the newly acquainted frequently ask, "Where do you go to church?" and not, "Do you go to church?"

Prayer had been a part of graduation ceremonies at Northern High School for several years, apparently without objection. This year, Julie Schenk, 17, planned to deliver an invocation at Wednesday evening's commencement until Becker, her 18-year-old classmate, objected.

He said that prayer didn't belong in a public ceremony Becker is well- known at school for his independent streak. In his junior year, he was forced by school officials to wash his hair in a sink because he came to school with his brown hair sculpted into "Liberty spikes" that resemble the Statue of Liberty's crown. Last fall, he refused to stand for the Pledge of Allegiance and was singled out for disciplinary action until the ACLU intervened on his behalf. Becker plans to attend the University of Maryland-Baltimore County in the fall to study film.

In this latest incident, the ACLU and the state attorney general's office sided with Becker and advised Calvert officials to drop the prayer because it violated the constitutional separation of church and state.

As a compromise, Schenk agreed to change her prayer to a "time for reflection" that did not mention God. When she asked for 30 seconds of silence and the audience of about 4,000 rose, a loud male voice began, "Our Father who art in heaven . . . "

"It started across the hall, and it picked up steam and went around the room," Kelley said, estimating about half the people in the Equestrian Center in Prince George's County joined in. "You could almost hear this thing travel. It just spread."

Becker quickly realized what was happening. "There was a kid behind me saying it real loud, and even the people on the stage were saying it -- even the commissioners," said Becker, who turned and quickly walked to a nearby exit. Once outside, he felt angry and upset.

When Becker tried to go back inside through the front door to get a friend, he was told by police he could not reenter. Calvert County school policy bars any student who leaves a school event from returning. Becker walked around the building and tried to get in through a side door and was blocked by police again.

"I told the cop I'm getting my diploma," Becker said. "He said, 'You're not going back in.' He walked me over to the car, put me in the front of the patrol car and said he was going to give me a citation for failing to obey a lawful order."

State police Lt. McKeon said Becker was "extremely upset" and shouldn't have been allowed to reenter. "We thought it was the best course of action," McKeon said. "We didn't want [him] to disrupt the ceremony."

Becker was released to his parents, who had come outside by that point, McKeon said. School officials gave Becker his diploma and the family went home. Becker was barred from a post-graduation boat cruise for which he had already paid $45. Superintendent James R. Hook also said Becker could not participate in the party because he did not take part in the graduation ceremony. Hook said his money would be refunded.

Hook said he was disturbed by the spontaneous prayer and the turn of events. "A moment of silence should have been respected," Hook said. "It shows disrespect for the young lady who asked for silence and for the young man who requested [that the prayer] not be done."

But other community leaders gave either direct or subtle support.

"It was the right thing to do," said county Commissioner David F. Hale (R-Owings), who also recited the prayer. "We cannot condone breaking the laws, but this was participating in an ongoing prayer. It was a personal choice."

And while Northern High School Principal George Miller said he had to follow Hook's orders, "quite frankly, I'd like to include the invocation."

) Copyright 1999 The Washington Post Company

-- Arlin H. Adams (ahadams@ix.netcom.com), May 28, 1999.

You go, "Bob"! BTW, I loved your Book!

-- Eddie Willers (ed_willers@hotmail.com), May 29, 1999.

WHENCE COMETH THE "BOB"

High in one of the reflectorized glass buildings of downtown Dallas is the Throne Office Headquarters of First FisTemple Lodge of the Church of the SubGenius - nerve center for all SubGenius missionary/mercenary activ- ities. Here "Bob" Dobbs commands the grudging respect of his iron- jawed men. He's always in the front lines of even the most dangerous mission, bearing his envied 13013 rating - his license to SMIT the enemy with every trick weapon at his disposal...like his fabled Rocket Pipe, his Boomerang Pipe, his Smokescreen Pipe, and the elusive Bobmobile.

With his inborn foolhardiness and his admitted weakness for cards and women, and iron-jawed men, he's not an office type and is rarely seen in the musty rooms of deskbound Scribes. After weeks of absence he'll sudd- enly show up, absorb his briefing almost absentmindedly, and abruptly head back to that battlefield where no battle lines are drawn. While he's gone, the Popes anxiously await news, good or bad, on "Bob's" one-man war against The Conspiracy. Across the desks of his staff daily pour microfilms, coded messages, tape recordings...and not a few love-notes from the ladies, which bring red even to the cheeks of his steely-eyed Sales Minister, Dr. Philo Drummond.

In a World Avatar's life, the totally unexpected is routine. For "Bob", performing his duty in exotic, faraway places, it becomes second nature.

Some call "Bob" immoral...some call him lucky. The simple truth: even a busy Living Master has his moments. And "Bob" has more than most.

But who IS this man "Bob"? What strange twist of fate brought him to crossroads between eternity and the Now?

Dobbs loves to withhold information from his followers, and some of the following was obtained by less-than-scientific means. Occasionally, we have perforce used the new "Psychic Journalism" so much in vogue today.

The exact time and place of the nativity of Dobbs is kept secret, of course, to prevent his astrological chars from being plotted...which, aside from his hair or fingernail clippings, would be ALL THEY'D NEED to get a fix on him with their Migraine Machines. However, we can reveal that he was born and raised somewhere in the Midwest during the Twenties. One Dobbs Nativity theory holds that he was a fearless child, found in the wilderness suckling a mother puma. This is most likely a myth and can probably be discounted as part of the smog of legend which surround this seemingly ageless man.

His father, an immigrant and descendant of the only Spanish Mayans - who had maintained a furtive, underground existence in Spain - ran a pharmacy. His partially anglicized name was Xiuacha-Chi-Xan M. Dobbs, and he appar- ently died in 1949 in an explosion while mixing chemicals in the back of the store.

"Bob's" mother, and American of Irish descent, was Jane McBride Dobbs, a relative of the Irish revolutionary hero Arthur McBride. Obviously, "Bob" doesn't resemble his father in the least, and this has given rise to Jane Dobbs' reputation as "The Divine Virgin." There is, however, no little evidence that a mysterious milkman, probably Jewish, was the true Dobbsdad. Although this man's identity is swathed in the mists of rumor, and Dobbs has gone to some pains to quash serious investigation, we nevertheless have good reason to assume that this wandering milkman furnished the true "Bob" gene. Another question that arises: was he even from Earth? The fact that most of these people were "undocumented aliens" makes research all the more difficult.

END OF CIVILIZATION, OR BIRTH OF A PERFECT BARBARISM?

"Bob's" two younger brothers do physically resemble Mr. Dobbs. They are the "Weak Brother," Rod, and the "Evil Brother," Judas J. "Jim" Dobbs. The former works in a canning factory in California, and the latter founded the infamous Cult of the Mystic Annihilation - fortunately a short-lived fiasco.

"Bob's" ancient grandfather, N'Xlccx Dobbs, lived with the family and almost certainly influenced The Child "Bob" with his tales of the Spanish Mayan Underground and its struggles through 400 years of castigation. "Bob's" staid father, eager to 'fit in' in America, disliked the old man "filling the boy's head with revolutionary garbage and stinking Mayan occultism."

SOMEONE BIGGER WILL SAVE US

"Bob" grew up fight the stigma of a Mayan dad. Other kids made cruel fun of that prognathus slopehead of fullblood Mayanry, and though Mr. Dobbs maintained dignified silence, little "Bobby" was in many a scrap, battling for his father's honor (it was shortly after receiving a blow to the head during one of these fights that "Bob" began experiencing precognitive visions). This troubled childhood had a telling effect on the sensitive youth, who became - thanks to the pharmacy's wares - a chronic alcoholic at age 6. It didn't affect his precocious salesmanship, though, and he made his first small fortune selling stolen prophylactics and pills to high school boys. This pipe-puffing tousle-headed lad was a world-worn veteran at age 7 - later, of course, to regain his long lost innocence: a child at age 40. He claims that when he gave up drinking, he lost his fortune and "had to come up with completely new sales techniques to regain it."

Even as a toddler, "Bob" had innumerable "invisible playmates" which we can now recognize as various space and energy beings, both good and evil. Aided by his main guardian Angel, "Placeeboh," and perhaps by JHVH-1, the child was able to distinguish the difference. Nevertheless, the constant harassment by these entities surely contributed to his preschool alcohol- ism.

He also had an early gift for seeing auras on people, which helped him develop his key sales tool of identifying the "14 Types of Consumers."

Dobbs showed early leadership qualities. He formed his first "cult," the Ghost Riders Club, with friends at age 5. Age 6 saw the Doc Savage Club, based on the first pulp hero "Overman." Age 7: The Girl Haters Club. Age 8: The Girl F---ers Club. Age 9: The Bat Man Club (BEFORE BatMan Comics!).

By the time he reached high school, "Bob" had managed to acquire a law degree by mail, and secretly opened an office in a nearby town. However, he was disbarred after a valiant battle to return land rights to a local Indian tribe...probably Sioux. He is still in close contact with the medi- cine man of his tribe.

As a teen, despite his winning ways with girls and his renowned sports abilities, "Bob" was troubled by strange mental tensions and spiritual raptures involving dreams of indescribable landscapes and sonorous, alien voices ceaselessly intoning his name as if across the abyss of space. For a brief period he became a devout Christian and tried memorizing scriptures but this only worsened the condition. It finally abated after his myster- ious first semester of college, which as spent at Miskatonic University in Arkham, Massachusetts.

That was his last brush with higher education. Spurning that path to knowledge, he joined a group of Sufis and also got involved in the Gurd- jieff teachings...but he gave up on these as being "too complicated, too much work." He does still praise the Rosicrucians, but this is because he learned the lucrative mail-order-cult business from that fraternity. One secret doctrine that he admits having gleaned from these rival cults is that any numerical system works magic.

Around this time, he starred in his first film - an amateur production call JILTED AGAIN which was shot in the obscure 9.5mm format by a friend. This one-minute silent short depicts an abandoned bride crying at the alt- ar, then cuts to a grinning "Bob" hopping the next train out of town. On the heels of this production came his first modeling jobs - a career that was to continue on and off for the next 20 years.

Just before World War II broke out, Dobbs and two pals - Bubba Smith and Dub Jones - formed an entirely unsanctified proto-SubGenius scam/reli- gion strictly as a rip-off scheme. It fizzled miserably - "We made real idiots of ourselves" - but, ironically, it was shortly thereafter that he had his first authentic bout with JHVH-1 - his Emaculation.

This most critical episode in "Bob's" life is covered in the chapter on The Prescriptures, so we will bypass it for now.

The impact on "Bob" on being chosen as the Vessel, the Conduit for the Word of WOTAN was, at first, devastating. The physical aftereffects alone almost killed him. In his own words: "After have a Vision like this, it's like a million hangovers at once. Your head feels like a flashbulb that's just been popped - warped burning plastic, twisted and blow out... too much energy blasting through at once. It ruins you for a long time...maybe forever." (From an interview in Traveling Evangelist Magazine.)

It goes without saying that "Bob" was not ruined forever. The next five years are the most mysterious of his life, however; they're certainly the least documented, and "Bob" himself refuses to discuss them. Apparently he spent much of this time in a state of awe and confusion, testing his newfound powers. It may well be that in doing so he misused them, which may account for his reticence regarding this period.[5] We do know that in 1943 he went to the U.S. Government with the intention of turning these amazing mystic abilities against the Nazi war machine.

DRAMATIC PHOTOS

It is a little-known fact that "Bob" was instrumental in the Allied victory. Most historians are entirely ignorant of Hitler's occult back- ground as well. The Nazis were being manipulated, through Hitler, by secret Thule Society magicians, who were pawns of the Hollow Earth dero creatures, themselves tools of the Space Bankers. Everything Hitler did revolved around ancient Thule prophecies concerning an Aryan Atlantis.

Using his incredible powers of hypnotic suggestion (which he would in peacetime turn towards Sales), "Bob" infiltrated the Nazis by posing as the foretold "Son of Odin, The Purest of The Pure," who would supposedly help transform Germany into a New Atlantis under the "Northern Fathers," or Elder Gods. "Bob" worked his way up through the Reich hierarchy until he had gained the complete trust of Hitler himself.

The weird "Man in Black" that Hitler described in his writings was actually "Bob." Hitler said he had met "this New Man who is living among us... I was afraid of his presence." For good reason. "Bob" was feeding them all the wrong information. This accounts for the Fuhrer's terrible strategic blunders during the latter half of the War. "Bob" had Schickel- gruber looking the other way when D-Day happened, and the tables were turned on the Axis.

(An interesting historical sidenote: while Dobbs was infiltrating the Nazis, the fatally wounded gangster Dutch Schultz lay on his deathbed, mumbling of "Bob" in his famous delirium. One of his ravings, transcribed by a police stenographer:"Yeah..."Bob's" gonna CRACK DOWN on the China- man's friends and Hitler's commander." The Chinamen? You guessed it - the same entities who were using Hitler and his saucer-riding pals in the Hollow Earth were also whispering into the ear of the young Mao Tse- Tung!)

Winston Churchill said of Dobbs, in a page censored from his memoirs, ""Bob" is a riddle... wrapped in enigma."

After the War, Dobbs entered the phase of his career for which he is best known. Now understanding true Slack, and working always by accident alone, he began stumbling from one line of work to another, deliberately operating without any set plans whatsoever, and thus making a million dollars every time he screwed up. Just a few of these early business: selling "miracle paints;" aluminum siding; stocks and commodites; a roofing scam; a sex clinic; marriage counseling; debt collection; T-shirts; real estate...he also sold mail order businesses by mail, wrote the phrases on gumballs and valentine candies, designed Cracker Jack prizes, created a chain of Sex Novelty Vending Machines for service stations, ran a lottery, opened a private investigator's office, was a vanity publisher, and even invented countless non-essential household items that "made good ad copy." It was right after a stint as a carnival barker at the Wheel of Chance and the "freak show" tent that he moved simultaneously into his two true loves: Sales and Religion. (In the midst of all that, he still "found time" to serve a stint in jail for Mail Fraud, and also played pro football in the now-defunct Canadian League. Word has it that he used to score touchdowns "by mistake.")

MEDITATION AT THE WHEEL

In the 1950's sales was the best game to be in and "Bob" was the best at it. As a salesman he moved from company to company - except when he started his own - and no matter what the product or service was, "Bob" broke all the records. He came into demand as a motivational lecturer, and his books on selling - all rather clumsily written, as "Bob" will be the first to admit - were best-sellers. The list of titles is impressive: LEARNING THROUGH PAIN (1952), SALES - THE BLACKEST ART (1952), SLEEPING FOR FITNESS (1954), $EX, $ALES, AND $UCCESS (1955), TENDERNESS OR TERROR- ISM? (1955), TIME CONSUMPTION FOR TIME CONTROL (1956), and his top- seller, ALL THINGS THAT SELL or THE BOOK OF ALL THINGS (1957).

"Bob's" biggest sale? FLOURIDE TO THE GOVERNMENT. This may disturb some of our readers. But little did the government know, flouride stimulates the Food Gland (yes, the foot is actually a gland) so essential to our proper development once the Xists arrive. He did it for our own good - so we'd have a piece of the action too when the aliens start turning Subgen- iuses into OverMen.

"Bob" also had considerable success with a number of homeopathic rem- edies he learned from his grandfather. Most were herbal medicines, but one large contraption which sold well combined a pyramid, and orgone accumul- ator, and a hairdryer to create a box looking much like a Tidican, in which stress-ridden people were told to sit and sweat until they were purified. Happy users of the device raised a fruitless uproar when it was banned by the very Conspiracied A.M.A.

It was in 1955 that "Bob" had his lesser-known Second Major Pre- Vision. Once again, a great deal of Divine Suffering was involved. But, where some other great cult leader might get crucified, leave it to "Bob" to come up with a shortcut - in this case, a hernia operation. So important is this event to Church dogma that devout followers sometimes display spontaneous hernia stigmata.

This Vision, in which Dobbs was treated through blinding pain to "WOTAN'S SLIDE SHOW" of the events from 1998 to around 2175, will be cov- ered in greater detail in the next Book. But for now, here's a gist as it affected Dobbs' life.

"Bob" had suffered a relatively painless hernia while attempting to move a bathtub by himself. When he got to the hospital, the trouble began.

During surgery, after having been insufficiently 'put under' by sodium pentathol, "Bob's" astral body rose from the operating table and watched from above while his poor body was hacked and abused by quacks who Dobbs could now see, in his spirit-world condition, to be demonic entities in human guise. He returned to his body when the drugs wore off only to enter a new world of pain he'd never dreamed existed. For 4 days, trapped in a bed, he was smited and tortured by the AGONY of his crude stitchings and by the utter embarrassment of an unexpected condition we shan't go into here. He underwent extreme temptation at the hands of "nurses" who, he was sure, were also demons.

In this horrible 'Bout' he slid in and out of various time-lags, some- times abruptly wrenched from one Vision to another as if he were a TV tube and someone was changing channels. Most of it was a living nightmare - a twisted, mocking replay of his life, only changed into a Heironymous Bosch-style parody. Grotesque caricatures of his mother and other loved ones writhed in hideous travesties of family events.

Suddenly a feeling of absolute peace blanketed him. He was approached by seven glowing... spirits? Jessi? spacemen? ... who escorted him into the para-molecular Court of God. here energy and matter swirled and mixed over a sea of glass and "Bob" gazed into the face of time and space un- bounded. Infinity itself lay in the center like an ever-hatching egg, with obtuse intelligences circling it and meshing into sync with it. Extending from the tiny point that was all of this came a weird pattern - an infinite chain of logic - a 'book.' Hovering before him, it radiated an intense 'purpose' of some sort, like a force: a powerful 'need' which displayed yet another infinite, quasi-electric pattern - a 'brain,' a 'map' ... the root-map of the universe? All forces fluttered around it, yet nothing moved at all. Deep inside this matrix was the Earth.

"Bob" could see it all, from an overhead viewpoint, and, strangely, in what looked much like cheap animation as on a Saturday morning children's TV show. In an overall symbolic panorama of past/present/future which he also felt, he saw not only is previous incarnations as various winos and "Other Bobs" dating all the way back to the First "Bob," but also in the future of Earth, drawn out over thousands of years yet shown in second-by- second detail. He saw it from the human point of view, from the alien point of view, from the computer point of view and finally through the Eye of WOTAN. All in all, he recalls, it reminded him of the Book of Revelation done by a low-budget cartoon studio.

After going through a few future-life incarnations including an intel- ligent machine incarnation and one as an Insect Man on some infathomable planet, he was launched into an utterly pornographic parade of sex rever- sion hallucinations and pre-human "lust impulsion" remembrances of a most vivid and arousing nature. He experience a perverted "Rising from the Dead" back into the real world, where he suddenly found himself in perfect if crazed health. (A nurse later pressed suit.) "Bob" insists that what he learned during the last part of the vision made him the great lover and gigolo he is today.

Many Church Initiates, seeking to become Adepts in the Hierarchy, del- iberately induce hernias in themselves in an attempt to duplicate "Bob's" experience.

The episode stirred up a renewed and perhaps frenzied interest in the Church of the SubGenius, which Dobbs had formed some two years earlier in a half-hearted attempt to placate JHVH-1. Now, "Bob" seemed to take it far more seriously. He began to recruit carefully selected individuals from the new world of high finance. There was no hint of our present fierce evangelism; "Bob" was biding his time, gathering forces and the most power- ful followers, gradually but relentlessly preparing for that perfect mom- ent which would come when the Church would be made public.

He worked on developing his powers. He journeyed to Tibet, studied under the most ascended monks and Yetis high in the Himalayas, and under- went a sever training program with the guidance of his new friend, Dr. T. Lobsang Rampa. He stayed in the Forbidden City of Chang Eng, home of a lost civilization of super-intelligent Yetis; there, crude and highly rit- ualistic surgery was performed on "Bob" which opened his Third Nostril. This necessary step in participant evolution, now routinely performed by the Bobmonks on all newcomers to Dobbstown, involved the inserting of long bamboo rods into the nose and up to the brain, opening the long-closed orifice which enable a SubGenius to 'whiffread' the 'pstench' of others.

No less crucial to prepping Dobbs for Avatarhood was his first and still primary wife, "Connie." She had been his childhood sweetheart in First Grad. In 1955, more than 20 years later, they remet and married. Her impact on "Bob" is inestimable. Recently a "Church of Connie's Panties" has sprung up and is gathering momentum despite it's rather juvenile basic premise.[6]

"Connie" sang with "Bob's" short-lived jazz combo, "Bob" Dobbs and the Doo-Bops, and gave him five sons: Bubba, "Bobby" Jr., Adam Kadmon, Shem, and Shaun. there is also a daughter, but the Family Dobbs keeps her name a secret in order to limit the number of suitors who would try to "marry into" this awesome dynasty.

Oddly enough it was "Connie" who encourage the "extended family" idea now practiced by the Church. Although we cannot tell how many 'husbands' "Connie" has collected, we know that "Bob" now has at least one "Secondary Wife and Family" in every state of the union as well as 2,952 "Tertiary Families" spread evenly throughout the world. All of his wives and count- less children fiercely defend "Bob" as a companion and provider and insist that he always seems to have plenty of time to spend with them. "Bob" clones or doubles? If such is the case, it may have some bearing on the Church by thousands of young people who claim to be bastard children of "Bob" from extra-marital relationships he was driven to consumate by his monstrously overactive Foot and Soul Glands.

Meanwhile, "Bob" was moving in the highest levels of The Conspiracy, secretly recording and photographing everything he could get his hands on, always listening and learning with the help of a mild Tibetan truth serum. All of his illusions about 'freedom' and 'America' had long since been shattered, of course, and the day that he told The Conspiracy "F--- 'em if they can't take a joke" provides his most cherished memories. Only "Bob" could have done this, protected as he is by JHVH-1's Hex Field.

Building began on the bunkers and weapons complex at Dobbstown in the Sarawak Provice of Malaysia, financed in part by Dobbs' land holdings in Tibet, South America, Antarctica, and especially Nevada. Dobbs' other interests now included so many multimillion dollar companies that money became to him more a spiritual concept than a 'need.'

The Smiling One also began buying his way onto the sets of many low-budget science fiction and horror films. Of his 54 known walk-on appearances in films - each one involving a few lines of dialog which, one realizes in retrospect, planted hints of the fantastically interwoven Conspiracy and alien plots we now fight - the most famous are these: THE UGLIEST MONSTER (1959), BAD NEWS FROM VENUS (1960), MARS NEEDS WOMEN (1965), 20 MILLION MILES TO EARTH (1957), and ZONTAR, THING FROM VENUS (1965). A great many of these were shot in Dallas, Texas, where "Bob" had set up his American headquarters.

Why Dallas? "Because it is a sterile city," says "Bob." "It has to be clean because the Doktors work there." The fact that The Prescriptures pinpoint Dallas as one of the few safe places to be during the coming Eco-Econocataclysm may also have something to do with the selection. It had NOTHING TO DO WITH THE KENNEDY ASSASSINATION!

In 1971, Dobbs met a young Dallas man we shall call Dr. X, who became his drinking partner during "Bob's" renewed bout with the bottle. Together they wrote a number of now standard rock-and-roll songs under assumed names, and Dr. X began helping Dobbs locate people to run what would become the public relations arm of the Church, The SubGenius Foundation. In 1972 "Bob" initiated telepathic contact with the then-down-and-out "Dr." Philo Drummond, and finally appeared to him in person in 1973. Philo recruited his friend Ivan Stang, a failed science fiction writer, to help generate the first Church brochures and propaganda booklets. THe rest is history, at least to the I.R.S.

Many ask, "Where is "Bob" now?"

He might be performing arcane rituals in Dobbstown, or deciphering forbidden texts under Incan ruins high in the Andes; he might be lounging in any of 18 skyscraper penthouses or playing 'tag' in the from yard of one of his families. He might be up in that great DC-10 jet plane he pilots, or down on Skid Row giving some bum a haircut. He might be tumbling in bed, extracting secrets from some Conspiracy wench, or bad guy, or preaching to the winos in the Dallas drunk tank. It doesn't matter. As long as the smoke from his Pipe keeps finding its way to Heaven, we on Earth are safe.

FOOTNOTES

1. You talk like this, people think you're crazy. But when they see it WORK - when your success snowballs INSTANTLY - when your very COOLNESS becomes intoxicating to them...well, you'll see.

2. The "What Is The Law?" cycle is a holy chant from JHVH-1's Revelation X. It was worked subliminally into the film, Island of Lost Yeti Women (Smith Films, 1965).

3. This information is airbrushed into the hairdos of the members of the band DEVO on the cover of their fourth album, and is backtracked into the disco 'muzak' of the Glassmadness album, Do The Sexy "Bob."

4. From the SubGenius Hymnal of Glassmadness by famous glass musician James Erickson. Lyrics mutated telepathically by the Rev. D. Lee Lama.

5. There was a spate of bizarre deaths throughout the area where Dobbs was then making his living as an encyclopedia salesman. Bodies were found with their heads imploded by some mysterious force. Most were laying near their front doors.

6. This cult, centered around the undergarments of Dobbs' Primary Mate, was founded by Senator Jay Kinney after an ecstatic trance in which he claims to have whiffread the Panties themselves.

-- "BOB" ("BOB"@SUBGENIOUS.COM), May 29, 1999.

Arlin, I thought you were a Christian? why post that?

-- just (wondering@alittle.confuzd), May 29, 1999.

just because someone's christian,does not mean they don't support separation of church and state.or that they do support fanaticism.arlin's article was great.not all christians are nutbags

-- zoobie (zoobiezoob@yahoo.com), May 29, 1999.

The imPOSTER of this message is obviously anti-Bob and a PINK member who slacked off from paying membership dues. You loser! Get a brain!

-- dinosaur (dinosaur@williams-net.com), May 29, 1999.

the true "BOB" would never use a computer,much less post here in this den of false slack.praise "BOB"!!!!

-- rev.bodhi stickybud (rev.bodhi stickybud@subgenious.com), June 28, 1999.