***Humor***greenspun.com : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread
I was going to post this on the thread concerning the practicality of having cats guard one's stash from varmints. But I think most of the quotes are funny enough to give us all a Sunday morning lift.
"Managing senior programmers is like herding cats." --Dave Platt "Do not meddle in the affairs of cats, for they are subtle and will piss on your computer." --Bruce Graham "There is no snooze button on a cat who wants breakfast." --Unknown "Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this." --Anonymous "Cats are smarter than dogs. You can't get eight cats to pull a sled through snow." --Jeff Valdez "In a cat's eye, all things belong to cats." --English proverb "As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat." --Ellen P. Berkeley "One cat just leads to another." --Ernest Hemingway "Dogs come when they're called; cats take a message and get back to you later." --Mary Bly "Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia." --Joseph Wood Krutch "People that hate cats, will come back as mice in their next life." --Faith Resnick "There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats." --Anonymous "I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior." --Hippolyte Taine "No heaven will not ever Heaven be; Unless my cats are there to welcome me." --Unknown "There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats." --Albert Schweitzer "The cat has too much spirit to have no heart." --Ernest Menaul "Dogs believe they are human. Cats believe they are God." "Time spent with cats is never wasted." --Colette "Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well." --Missy Dizick "You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats." --Colonial American proverb
"Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want." --Joseph Wood Krutch "I got rid of my husband. The cat was allergic." "My husband said it was him or the cat ... I miss him sometimes." "Cats aren't clean, they're just covered with cat spit."
-- Old Git (email@example.com), May 16, 1999
LOL!! I really miss my cat, a British Blue (of course :) ) called Cosworth, had to leave him in England when I emigrated. All of the above are true :)
here are a few cat Haiku's :)
Cat Haiku You never feed me. Perhaps I'll sleep on your face. That will show you.
You must scratch me there! Yes, above my tail! Behold, elevator butt.
I need a new toy. Tail of black dog kees good time. Pounce! good dog! good dog!
The rule for today. Touch my tail, I shred your hand. New rule tomorrow.
In deep sleep hear sound Cat vomit hairball somewhere. Will find in morning.
Grace personified I leap into the window I meant to do that
Blur of motion, then- Silence, me, a paper bag What is so funny?
The mighty hunter Returns with gifts of plump birds Your foot just squashed one.
You're always typing Well, let's see you ignore my Sitting on your hands.
My small cardboard box You cannot see me if I Can just hide my head.
Terrible battle I fought for hours. Come and see! What's a "term paper"?
Kitty likes plastic Confuses for litter box Don't leave tarp around
Small brave carnivores Kill pine cones and mosquitoes Fear vacuum cleaner
Want to trim my claws Don't even think about it! My yelps will wake the dead
I want to be close To you. Can I fit my head inside your armpit?
Wanna go outside. Oh, no! Help! I got outside! Let me back inside!
Oh no! Big One has been trapped by newspaper. Cat to the rescue!
Humans are so strange. Mine lies still in the bed, then screams! My claws aren't that sharp....
Cats meow out of angst "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! We could break so much"
Litter box not there You must have moved it again I'll crap in the sink
The Big Ones snore now Every room is dark and cold time for "Cup Hockey"
We're almost equals I purr to show I love you Want to smell my butt.
-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), May 16, 1999.
Love it Old Git. Just have to add a few. Andy, I love cat Haiku, especially, that "Want to smell my butt." Just like a cat.
Cats know how to obtain food without labor, shelter without confinement, and love without penalties. W. L. George
"I am the Cat that walks by himself, and all places are alike to me." Rudyard Kipling from the Just So Stories, which I have loved forever.
If man could be crossed with the cat, it would improve man but deteriorate the cat. Mark Twain.
-- gilda (firstname.lastname@example.org), May 16, 1999.
Since y'all started this-- brace yourself-- My cat keeps killing shrews and voles.
He lays them carefully at the door.
Sometimes there's hardly any blood.
Sometimes the body is still warm.
They're really very small.
Alive, so quick; but here, at ease.
"Now I can sleep."
Their fur's so fine. The shrew's black velvet,
The vole's dove gray. So small, so soft.
Fit for kings' gloves, I think, but how many bodies
Must he bring? I bury them all instead.
I'd need a courage I don't have
To wear such gloves, or ask my cat
What killing's like. I fear the gloves
would turn on me, or that my cat might tell.
My cat's got old savannas on his mind, I think.
And maybe more behind his eyes than that.
What brought these cats, that earlier night,
To join us at the fires?
When I lean close his continent eyes
Reflect me; he blinks, and finishes his face.
-- Tom Carey (email@example.com), May 16, 1999.
LOLOL...oh how I miss my cats!!
Thanks you guys...
-- pamela (firstname.lastname@example.org), May 16, 1999.
This was forwarded to me by a friend - those who take Genesis literally, please do not take offence.
Where the Dog Came From and Why We Have Cats A newly discovered chapter in the Book of Genesis has provided the answer:
Adam said, "Lord, when I was in the garden, you walked with me every day. Now I do not see you anymore. I am lonesome here & it is difficult for me to remember how much you love me."
And God said, "No problem! I will create a companion for you that will be with you forever & who will be a reflection of my love for you, so that you will love me even when you cannot see me. Regardless of how selfish or childish or unlovable you may be, this new companion will accept you as you are & will love you as I do, in spite of yourself."
And God created a new animal to be a companion for Adam. And it was a good animal. And God was pleased. And the new animal was pleased to be with Adam & he wagged his tail. And Adam said, "Lord, I have already named all the animals in the Kingdom & I cannot think of a name for this new animal."
And God said, "No problem! Because I have created this new animal to be a reflection of my love for you, his name will be a reflection of my own name, and you will call him DOG."
And Dog lived with Adam & was a companion to him & loved him. And Adam was comforted. And God was pleased. And Dog was content & wagged his tail.
After a while, it came to pass that Adam's guardian angel came to the Lord & said, "Lord, Adam has become filled with pride. He struts & preens like a peacock & he believes he is worthy of adoration. Dog has indeed taught him that he is loved, but perhaps too well."
And the Lord said, "No problem! I will create for him a companion who will be with him forever & who will see him as he is. The companion will remind him of his limitations, so he will know that he is not always worthy of adoration."
And God created CAT to be a companion to Adam. And Cat would not obey Adam. And when Adam gazed into Cat's eyes, he was reminded that he was not the supreme being. And Adam learned humility.
And God was pleased. And Adam was greatly improved. And Dog was happy. And the cat didn't give a sh*t one way or the other.
-- Tricia the Canuck (email@example.com), May 17, 1999.
Ah, So many cats, so few good recipes!
-- Yan (firstname.lastname@example.org), May 17, 1999.
This is MinnesotaSmith, author of the Y2K-preparatory website http://y2ksafeminnesota.hypermart.net. Before I say this, let me hastily point out that I have known cats I have liked. I had a cat I was particularly fond of choose to have its kittens in my office at a processing plant I worked at. Still, if we had to choose, dogs would win over cats in my heart in a picosecond. The attitude of cats (and the abyssally low standards for acceptable pet attitudes among so many catowners) are why there is permanent amusement value in this bumper sticker: Lost Your Cat? Try Looking Under My Tires.
-- MinnesotaSmith (email@example.com), May 17, 1999.
The only good cat is a sabre-toothed cat ... the newer little ones are not as much fun to play with.
-- likesdogs inkoreanresturants (firstname.lastname@example.org), May 17, 1999.
What does a 500-pound mouse say? "Here, kitty, kitty..."
-- MinnesotaSmith (email@example.com), May 17, 1999.
My cats are partial to Art Bell's "Cat Box" site:
-- Brooks (firstname.lastname@example.org), May 17, 1999.