HOW TO INSTALL SOFTWARE: A 12-Step Program * by Dave Barry, from his new book "Dave Barry In Cyberspace"

1. Examine the software packaging until you find a little printed box that explains what kind of computer system you need to run the software. It should look something like this:

SYSTEM REQUIREMENTS

2386 PROCESSOR OR HIGHER

628.8 MEGAHERTZ MODEM

719.7 MB FREE DISK SPACE

3546 MB RAM

432323 MB ROM

05948737 MB RPM

ANTILOCK BRAKING SYSTEM

2 TURTLE DOVES

NOTE: This software will not work on your computer.

2. Open the software packaging and remove the manual. This will contain detailed instructions on installing, operating, and troubleshooting the software. Throw it away.

3. Find the actual software, which should be in the form of either a 3.5-inch floppy diskette or CD-ROM, located inside a sealed envelope that says:

LICENSING AGREEMENT: By breaking this seal, the user hereinafter agrees to abide by all the terms and conditions of the following agreement that nobody ever reads, as well as the Geneva Convention and the U.N. Charter and the Secret Membership Oath of the Benevolent Protective Order of the Elks and such other terms & conditions, real and imaginary, as the Software company shall deem necessary and appropriate, including the right to come to the user's home and examine the user's hard drive, as well as the user's underwear drawer if we feel like it, take it or leave it, until death do us part, one nation indivisible, by the dawn's early light, finders keepers, losers weepers, thanks you've been a great crowd, and don't forget to tip your servers.

4. Hand the software to a child aged 3 through 12 and say, "(Name of child), please install this on my computer." If you have no child age 3 through 12, insert the software in the appropriate drive, type SETUP and press the Enter key.

5.Turn the computer on, you idiot.

6.Once again type "SETUP" and press the Enter key.

7.You will hear grinding and whirring noises for a while, after which the following message should appear on your screen: "The Installation Program will now examine your system to see what would be the best way to render it inoperable. Is it OK with you? Choose one, and be honest: (_) YES (_) SURE"

8. After you make your selection, you will hear grinding and whirring for a very long time while the installation program does God knows what in there. Some installation programs can actually alter molecular structures, so that when they're done, your computer has been transformed into an entirely new device, such as a food processor. At the very least, the installation program will create many new directories, sub-directories, sub-sub-directories, on your hard drive and fill them with thousands of mysterious files with names like puree.exe, fester.dat, and doo.wha

9. When the installation program is finished, your screen should display the following message: "CONGRATULATIONS The installation program cannot think of anything else to do to your computer and has grown bored. You may now attempt to run your software. If you experience any problems, electrical shocks, insomnia, shortness of breath, nasal discharge, or intestinal parasites, you should immediately *!@!$)$%@&*^^)$*!#$_$*^^&"

10. At this point your computer system should become less functional than the federal government, refusing to respond even when struck with furniture.

11. Call the toll-free Technical Support Hotline number listed on the package and wait on the line for a representative, who will explain to you, in a clear, step-by-step manner, how to adopt a child aged 3 through 12.

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), May 03, 1999

Answers

Aw come on, Maria, as us nongeeks always knew...IT CAN'T BE DONE!

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), May 03, 1999.

Well, sure, but I wouldn't throw away the manual.

After you figure out, by trial and error, how to make the software do most of what it is supposed to do (even though this may take a few months) you will find that the manual has become intelligible. You will find certain inadvertent errors in it, which will bolster your self-esteem.

Nevertheless, some questions that arise among users are never addressed in the manual. This is traditional practice among whose who compose user's manuals for software. Word on the street is that this is a form of job insurance.

-- Tom Carey (tomcarey@mindspring.com), May 03, 1999.