my boyfriend does not GI, refuses to do any of his own investigating, and wants me to stop spending money on preparations. we plan on being married next year so i don't want to drive him away, but i firmly believe we are in for serious trouble. i would love to invest in land 3 hours away (i live about 10-15 miles outside of DeeCee), but would feel terribly guilty doing so behind his back. i am also the only person out of both of our families that plans to prepare for anything longer than a weekend. any suggestions? please?? HELP......

-- sarah (qubr@aol.com), April 30, 1999

Answers

Seeing as how even moderate preparations could be considered prudent for storms and unemployment reasons, even if Y2K were *not* a bad scenario, it is a little puzzling why your almost-family would be so against it. As for your boyfriend, if it is your money, why is he the one telling you how to spend it?

I'm sure you love them all very much. And they you. And if Y2K turns out really bad, rest assured they will eat whatever food you have and then you can starve with them.

On the other hand maybe it won't be so bad... but if you're in DeeCee of all places... well I think investing in property outside of the city is a wise idea, if you've got the funds to do so. 'Course I'd say that even if Y2K weren't at issue. :-)

PJ in TX

-- PJ Gaenir (fire@firedocs.com), April 30, 1999.

Sarah,

Maybe this would be a good question for Dr.Laura. Seriously. I don't want to be a wet blanket for you, but if you can't have a sharing understanding of something important to you (and him) right now, what do you think it's going to be like in the future? There are countless moments of partnership commitments ahead. And he won't even look into this matter? From what I see published about remediation progress for DC it looks pretty bad. Very low percentage of serious work done with only 8 months to go. I know *I* would rather be further away from that situation. You might have to make some hard decisions on your own now, regarding the move and the boyfriend. Good luck. I'm sure there will be other posts that are much better at sizing this matter up than what I can offer.

-- Gordon (gpconnolly@aol.com), April 30, 1999.

'I think investing in property outside of the city is a wise idea, if you've got the funds to do so. 'Course I'd say that even if Y2K weren't at issue.'

I agree with P.J. here; think what the price of land will be 10 years from now...think how crowded and dangerous life in DC could be then...invest in your own future first and if your beloved intends to share life with you rather than control the life you live, all should go well.

Get the book, 'Something More: Excavating your Authentic Self' before you marry. It should be required reading at age 16 for all women.

-- Shelia (Shelia@a.com), April 30, 1999.

Sarah, if your boyfriend wants to tell you how to spend your money now, I guarantee you he'll want complete control of EVERYthing after you get married. Been there, done that. Dump him. Take some assertiveness training. (Not necessarily in that order.) Find someone who's more compatible. I don't tell Sweetie what to do, he doesn't tell me what to do. And we're crazy about each other in a quiet sort of way. Took me 40 years to find him but it was damn well worth it.

-- Old Git (anon@spamproblems.com), April 30, 1999.

Sarah! What you've written about your boyfriend tells me that he is extremely stubborn and selfish, even if he is facing danger! I hope you realize the when you get married to him, you have only a 50% chance of making it last. And if you try to make it last, you will have a lifetime of misery.

I have a sister in law who is married to a very stubborn man for over 30 years. She has been unhappy all her life! He also is a DGI and his wife is a GI. He's a tightwad and will not allow her to stock up. I told him not to come knocking on my door in 2000.

I'm married to wife #3 now for 14 years and finally got it right! We are best friends.

DIVORCE IS HELL! If your boyfriend will not stand by your side for Y2K, he will not stand by your side with anything else! All I can say to you is...the sooner you dump him the better of you will be. There are many better guys out there than him! You will find Mr. Right, I know it because I have found Mrs. Right!

However going through divorce is pure hell and you want to avoid it at all cost, before you marry this guy! However love is blind and you will probably marry this guy and live a lifetime of MISERY!

Dump him and you will save yourself a lifetime of misery!

Besides, after you dump him, you can prepare for Y2K all you want, without any interference from him! Save yourself from Y2K by dumping him!

-- freddie (freddie@thefreeloader.com), April 30, 1999.

y2k will not be the only crisis in your life. Life together is a two way street. THINK!

-- SCOTTY (BLehman202@aol.com), April 30, 1999.

Sarah,

There was excellent advice from all above but these are your life decisions, not theirs or mine. Weigh them carefully.

I've been called passive-aggressive, I don't like pop-psych-jive-talk I prefer to call it living smart.

In your situation, I would separate the boy friend/future spouse issue from my decision to purchase retirement, investment, rural lifestyle, weekend property. You can call the land, a survivalist nut-case hide out or you can call it your weekend camping and relaxation place.

Lots of people here have get-away spots in the Shenandoah Valley, on the Chesapeake Bay, etc. Sometimes people buy these as undeveloped land or with a small cottage on it.

Others purchase a fancier weekender place and keep a loft or one room condo in the city. Some commute 100+ miles daily.

The programmer I call the Baron, kept a house in McLean (His mom's place, they just sold it.) and now commutes and telecommutes from DragonRanch which is past Mt. Weather. He drives a Jetta TDI so the cost is minimal.

You still have lots of options.

... (Old Git's a woman?) ???

-- cory (kiyoinc@ibm.XOUT.com), April 30, 1999.

Sarah:

You are not married, yet he is telling you *NOW* how to spend money, not unusual. But wrong. It says to me that he wants to be a control freak. I know all too well that spouses need to be able to agree on money, it is the chief root cause of most breakups.

Here, you have to make a very serious choice: your boyfriend or your safety. A husband with no safety is not a logical choice. It is highly unlikely you will convert him to a GI. Don't even try. Save your energy, and decide to look for a partner who is not a control freak, and who agrees that *YOUR* safety is the most important issue in the world.

I believe that DeeCee will for sure be under martial law come rollover, and you want to be far far away. Time is short. Do not delay or procrastinate about your safety. LOL

-- Tennessean (holladayl@aol.com), April 30, 1999.

No wonder OLD GIT is so wise!

Sarah - good concept to ask for opinions here - there are many out there in a similar situation and we all should carefully consider the impacts of allowing persons to get married any way.

The extended family members (both sides) are an important issue also.

I do not have all the additional info a relative, good friend or counseler would have, (about your specific case) -

If I had no choice but to give advice now, it would be to let this set of concerns delay the union until it is resolved.

There are other options between dumping and marrying, both parties can come out champions if time is taken to work it properly, and family members can be impressed with the approach and solution.

We are all going to practice this type of solution finding very soon we will be wise to start practicing the hard decision making now.

-- David (drgnslay@gte.net), April 30, 1999.

Considering how little time is left you could appeal to the spirit hysteria and festival!it is the end of the melinnium!what is so bad about freaking out a little? when this is over,not ever again will we feel this much angst about the same thing on a world wide level.this may be the genexers last chanch to really freak out and get away with it!So long as you get all freaky with guns and obsess about the new world order practicing self-relaint preparations can give you valuable skills and understanding.To look into the face of a terrible zietgiest like y2k and not be paralized,but rather to enact a reasonable plan of disaster recovery planning based on your own adult reasoning and convictions is to be encouraged and applauded . party on bill and ted

-- zoobie (zoobie@zoob.zab), April 30, 1999.

whoops!!I meant "do NOT get all freaky with guns... sorry,one little word makes a big differance....oops

-- zoobie (zoobie@zoob.zab), April 30, 1999.

The panhandle of West Virginia has the most affordable land near D.C. and a very low property tax rate. If you shop, you can find 40 acre parcels (albeit some steep and wooded) for $1000/acre and up. While I decline to give you "relationship" advice, you might think of rural land as an investment on multiple levels. If you enjoy camping, the Mid Atlantic region is terribly crowded. Owning your own tract allows you to camp and enjoy a weekend away from D.C. The land should increase in value over time... and, (while you do not have to say it out loud), it may serve to ease your worries about having a place to go. For the price of a "sport utility vehicle," you can own real ground. If you want to enjoy a weekend away, I suggest Berkeley Springs as an enjoyable town and a place to start shopping. You will also quickly discover if you "fit" with the rural West Virginia culture. I recommend the Panorama Steakhouse on Route 9 for a decent meal. There is a dress code, as the hostess explained to me. The management discourages "muscle shirts and baseball caps."

(laughter)

Best of luck.

Regards,

-- Mr. Decker (kcdecker@worldnet.att.net), April 30, 1999.

I'm with Cory. Old Git's a woman? Second the smart comment.

-- Ranger (OneRanger@OneRiot.net), April 30, 1999.

Is this a Y2K forum, or has it now become "Dear Abby"? How in the hell can you give someone advice on their relationship by reading one sentence?

-- CJS (CJS@CJS.com), April 30, 1999.

Experience teaches valuable lessons. This guy is a controller!!

Sarah, I'll give you the same advise I gave my daughter before she got married. In your own mind, pretend you are already married. Notice how he treats you, what he says to you, what he thinks of your opinions. Does he say and do things that cause you to feel better about yourself? Are you totally, really, truely happy with how you feel about your relationship when you are discussing issues that are important to you? Are you able to do for him what you want him to do for you? Is this how you want to feel after the real vows are said?

Don't go into marriage hoping to change him . . . it WON'T happen. If you feel that there are things about him that you don't like, believe me, they will be magnified after you begin living with him.

My daughter played this game and by the time they married, she knew him for just what he is: a wonderful man who has flaws that she can live with. We all have flaws, but sometimes there are some in the other person that we just will not be able to tolerate. You still have time to make a wise decision. Use your time wisely!

I wish you the best!

-- winna (??@??.com), April 30, 1999.

SARAH:

Consider yourself fortunate -- you have stumbled on to a crucial piece of information about your relationship, early in the game. I was married (second time) for 25 years. We weren't having much fun in our marriage, and there wasn't much togetherness anymore, especially after our son left the nest. But marriage is a compromise, & we had both made a considerable number of them thru the years. We probably would have stayed married till the end, just like my parents and her parents had in the previous generations.

Then in early January '97 I discovered the significance of y2k. My spouse said, "Y2k? That's a big JOKE! There you go again with your Gloom & Doom predictions -- they didn't come true in the '80s -- why should I believe you now?" Tried for 12 months to convince her of the risks. She wouldn't even let me mouth the words 'Y2K.' So I left the $275k house we had just built in WY, along with a 38-acre ranch -- "In God's Country." Moved to a more y2k-hospitable part of the country, northwestern Tennessee. Fine people, got along great with my redneck neighbors, was building a really good y2k-proof homestead.

Then this past Fall, LONELINESS OVERTOOK ME. Couldn't handle the solitary life. Went to the Net personal classifieds and found me a sweet little southern widow in north central Alabama. She's not an InfoMagic Level 32 like I've been, but she's pulling her share, and is open to reason/discussion. Most of all SHE ACTS LIKE A FRIEND.

Now wouldn't it be strange if Y2K does NOT turn out to be as bad as I have been SURE it would?! The DGIs on this forum are saying, "Tsk, tsk, another unnecessary casualty of y2k exaggerations/panic!" My bottom line?:

Life is what happens to us while we are making other plans. Jean and I know how to 'fuss with each other' (as they say down here in Rebel Territory), and feel perfectly happy with each other while doing it. We both have found A REAL FRIEND. Added benefit: I've learned how to say "Ya'll" instead of "Youse guys."

Final thoughts. Visited DC while still in uniform after WWII. Pretty. Lived in Georgetown for a short while in '48. Beautiful architecture -- did a series of 18 pen & ink drawings I treasure. I've been back to Marion Barry's home town many a time since (delivering a paper at a computer conference, visiting my retired bureacrat sister & B-in-L, etc.) Sarah, are you serious when you imply you may be able to rationalize your way into REMAINING only 15 miles from what seems to be turning into Sodom & Gomorrah, even without a y2k bombshell?

Thanks for having the courage to post what you did --- you appear to have the Right Stuff. If you were 50 years younger would have seriously considered making a proposal to you back last Fall.

Older & wiser,

Bill

-- William J. Schenker, MD (wjs@linkfast.net), April 30, 1999.

BILL!!! WHY DID YOU LEAVE BEAUTIFUL WYOMING? You could have found a good wife there just as well! Of all places, I would think Wyoming would be the BEST place to be during Y2K!!! Jackson, Wyoming is God's country!

-- freddie (freddie@thefreeloader.com), April 30, 1999.

CORRECTION to the last line in my previous post: "If *I* were 50 years younger....." Sorry bout that.

FREDDIE:

Yep, you can't beat WY for beauty (I lived just east of Cody) --- but there are no trees within 1 1/2 hours, our 100' foot well provided what the locals call 'pizen water': kills veggies in 3 days, stock in 5, and people in 7. Also my closet friend, when I gave him a 30-second intro to Y2K -- fell asleep (literally!) And altho I have always loved the cold, snow, and mountains -- 30 below for a mo at a time is a real challenge in a y2k scenario.

ex-cowboy,

Bill

-- William J. Schenker, MD (wjs@linkfast.net), April 30, 1999.

Sarah, my husband and I both feel that we're likely looking at a 5-7 scenario. The difference is that I feel that we should prepare to the greatest extent of our resources and he feels we should prepare only to where it won't affect us if it's just a bump in the road. We've compromised a bit (does your guy understand compromise?).

We're doing this by putting in a garden (neither of us has ever gardened), getting a wood stove (we have a fireplace that we *never* use) and wood to go in it, stocking food and non-electric necessities like light, cooking stuff, etc. We're not emptying our retirement funds (like Mr. Decker, we'd lose half to the gov't anyway), and we're not closing our bank accounts (we're both paid by direct deposit, I doubt he can change that and I know I can't *sigh*). Personally, I'd rather take the hit on the retirement plans, buy a cabin well out of town and stock up there. Hubby feels very sure that unless TEOTW, he will have a job with the telco he works for and that means he can't leave town until the end of January at the earliest (leaves have been forbidden from mid-December 'til then). My job in health care is also fairly recession proof. The big difference is that the city we live near measures the murders on a per year rather than per day basis. Perhaps you can talk to your fianci about some acceptable compromise. If he is already aware of how important you feel it is to have a back up plan and is unwilling to compromise, I'm in agreement with those who say it's not too late to get him gone! I wish you all the best in what must be a very difficult situation.

-- Tricia the Canuck (jayles@telusplanet.net), May 01, 1999.

It's unfortunate your mate does not understand the issue, what's worse is he doesn't seem to trust your judgement, too bad. Trust is the hallmark of any relationship. My partner does not particularily get it, but we trust each other and from an insurance aspect I am being trusted to act in the best interest of the family. TRUST is the key.

-- Will (sibola@hotmail.com), May 01, 1999.