Hi, I'm Martha Stewart. As the Y2K season approaches, ample and creative planning can turn your boring "doomsday" into a heyday for yourself and your gun. Just follow these simple tips:

LOCATION, LOCATION, LOCATION:

Turn your back on your neighbors and look for something well out of the suburbs, at least 50 miles away. Once you've gotten to that point, go 100 miles even further. No more pesky neighbors asking you for a cup of sugar. No more annoying idle chit-chat on a warm summer's eve. In fact, don't even bring your family. Just you and your gun. I call my gun "Frank". Do you have a name for your gun?

Make sure the house has a swimming pool, fireplace, and at least one bedroom to store all of the ammo. You're gonna need it, when everyone tries to come and "visit" you. Remember, always shoot as soon as anything moves. That injured, hungry, 80-year old woman wheeling up the road towards you could be a vagabond in disguise. If you are unskilled, make sure to squeeze off at least 100 more shots than a trained shooter would, just to make sure. Oh, and to get better prepared for your situation, rent "The Omega Man", starring Charlton Heston.

I'LL DRINK TO THAT:

I'll bet that you thought that swimming pool was for swimming, didn't you? Would you swim in a giant vat of Pepsi or coffee? Of course you wouldn't, silly. You'll be drinking from this pool. But wait! It doesn't have to be just water! Go to your nearest Sam's Club and buy their 300 lb. containers of Y2Kool-Aid. There are several different flavors to choose from: Scary GaryBerry, Yummy Yellow Yourdon, Oh-shit-we're-all-gonna-die-Orange, and cheddar-and-avocado.

I like to avoid being outside as often as possible, so I buy straws. Lots of straws. You can link them together so that they extend from the pool into your house. To spice things up, buy some of those "bendy" straws, and let the fun begin. There's nothing better than sipping a nice pool of Scary GaryBerry, watching it run through your sinewy straw contraption, as the morning sun glances off of the black helicopters circling overhead.

SIMPLY RAVENOUS

I know this is going to sound crazy, but you won't need to stockpile food. Yes, you heard me, DO NOT STOCKPILE FOOD. You're going to be eating fresh food everyday.

Let's start with greens. Sure, you can eat weeds, wildflowers, and shrubs if you would like, but to me that's bush league. Let's go big. Really big. Sometimes we can't see the forest for the trees, but in this case, we can see the food for the trees, because the trees are going to be our food.

I like to start at the top. Nibble a few leaves. Snack on a few branches. Work your way down to the trunk. Explore the rings, which give evidence of the tree's age. Then eat it. The jagged, esophagus-damaging bark contrasts nicely with the bitter, bug-eaten leaves. Speaking of bugs, don't throw away those bark beetles. They're great for cleansing the palate.

Now work your way down to the roots. Don't pull up the roots. Just stick your face down their and start grinding away. If you have any teeth left at this point, you'll find that the roots are initially good but get old quick, kind of like actor/comedian Jim Carrey.

Now, we need to get to the meat of the issue. Go into town. Invite some people over for diner. They'll be happy to come over. They won't realize that when you say that you would like to have them for dinner, they'll be the main course.

Sure, you could use a gun to subdue them, but its messy, a waste of ammo, and you often end up wrecking the good parts. For best results, I suggest a Loisville Slugger, or a solid piece of plywood.

Remember that bigger isn't necessarily better. A young 1 and 1/2 pound lobster is much better than a 10 year-old 35 pound lobster, isn't it? Also try to pick out people with more sedentary lifestyles. Most professional and former professional athletes are right out, as they are far too gamey. The exceptions to this rule are golfers and race-car drivers.

Cajun recipes are the best. When I'm doing Cajun, I like to be like Emeril LaGasse and yell "BAM!" just before I whack my dinner over the head. It adds a certain amount of panache to the experience, don't you agree?

Well, I think I just saw two black Lincolns pull-up outside, and I hear helicopters in the distance. Please join me next week, when I make badger-on-a-stick, and if there's time, I'll make a necklace out of human skulls.

-- CJS (CJS@CJS.com), April 29, 1999

Answers

Heh.

-- Stephen M. Poole, CET (smpoole7@bellsouth.net), April 29, 1999.

Cute. Real cute. It must be nice to have the time to write such drivel. I just hope you're still laughing a year from now.

-- Amused (veryfunny@laughing.com), April 29, 1999.

CJS,

You probably read the wrong MS site.

Gothic Martha Stewart - DIY home decor for the morbidly inclined.

http:// www.toreadors.com/martha/index.html

Try pink instead ...

Martha Stewart Living - official site (except my browser keeps crashing today when I try to access it) ...

http://www.marthastewart.com/< /a>

Hope she invites you over, CJS. You might learn something useful. Naw!

Diane

-- Diane J. Squire (sacredspaces@yahoo.com), April 29, 1999.

Pretty funny!

-- Paul Davis (davisp1953@yahoo.com), April 29, 1999.

CJS,

You're da boss.

Amused and Diane,

You're a couple of poops.

-- Peg (rotf@lma.o), April 29, 1999.

CJS.....I have not laughed that hard in a long time. Very creative joke telling. I'm impressed. I hope you were trying to give yourself a comical break. You sure gave me one. I am hoping your creative propensities extend beyond comedy. Resourcefulness is a plus when hungry foe come a knockin'. Oh, thanks again for the laugh.

Sincerely, Feller

-- Feller (feller@wanna.help), April 29, 1999.

Martha also appears in two cartoons on the last page of the new George Magazine (Calista Flockhart). Y2k Gardening Tips

-- Mitchell Barnes (spanda@inreach.com), April 29, 1999.