Perfect Day for a Woman:

8:15 Wake up to hugs and kisses.

8:30 Weigh 5 lbs. lighter than yesterday.

8:45 Breakfast in bed, fresh squeezed orange juice and croissants.

9:15 Soothing hot bath with fragrant lilac bath oil.

10:00 Light workout at club with handsome, funny personal trainer.

10:30 Facial, manicure, shampoo, and comb out.

12:00 Lunch with best friend at an outdoor cafe.

12:45 Notice ex-boyfriend's wife, she has gained 30 lbs.

13:00 Shopping with friends.

15:00 Nap.

16:00 A dozen roses delivered by florist. Card sent from secret admirer.

16:15 Light workout at club followed by gentle message.

17:30 Pick outfit for dinner. Primp before mirror.

19:30 Candlelight dinner for two followed by dancing.

22:00 Hot shower. Alone.

22:30 Make love.

23:00 Pillow talk, light touching and cuddling.

23:15 Fall asleep in his big, strong arms.

Perfect Day for a Man

6:00 Alarm.

6:15 Blowjob.

6:30 Massive dump while reading the sports section of USA Today.

7:00 Breakfast. Filet mignon, eggs, toast and coffee.

7:30 Limo arrives.

7:45 Bloody mary en route to airport.

8:15 Private jet to Augusta, Georgia.

9:30 Limo to Augusta Golf Club.

9:45 Play front nine at Augusta, finish 2 under par.

11:45 Lunch. 2 dozen oysters on half shell. 3 Heinekens.

12:30 Play back nine at Augusta, finish 4 under par.

14:15 Limo back to airport. Drink 2 bombay martinis.

14:30 Private jet to Nassau, Bahamas. Nap

15:15 Lat afternoon finishing excursion with topless female crew.

16:30 Catch world record light tackle marlin - 1249 lbs.

17:00 Jet back home. En route, get massage from naked Kathy Ireland.

19:00 Watch CNN Newsflash. Clinton resigns.

19:30 Dinner. Lobster appetizers, 1963 Dom Perignon, 20 oz steak.

21:00 Relax with 1789 Augler Cognac and cuban cigar.

22:00 Have sex with two 18 year old nymphs.

23:00 Massage and jacuzzi.

23:45 Go to bed.

23:50 Let loose a 12 second, 4 octave fart. Watch dog leave room.

23:55 Laugh yourself to sleep.

-- Maria (anon@ymous.com), April 16, 1999

Answers

Two New Elements for the periodic table of elements:

Element: WOMEN Symbol: WO Atomic Weight: 120 (more or less, usually more)

Physical Properties: Generally round in form. Boils at nothing and may freeze anytime. Melts whenever treated properly. Very bitter if not used well.

Chemical Properties: Very active. Highly unstable. Possesses strong affinity to gold, silver, platinum, and precious stones. Violent when left alone. Able to absorb great amounts of exotic food. Turns slightly green when placed next to a better specimen. Ages rapidly.

Usage: Highly ornamental. An extremely good catalyst for dispersion of wealth. Probably the most powerful income reducing agent known.

Caution: Highly explosive in inexperienced hands.

* * *

Element: MAN Symbol: XY Atomic Weight: 180 +/- 100

Physical Properties: Solid at room temperature but gets bent out of shape easily. Fairly dense and sometimes flaky. Difficult to find a pure sample. Due to rust, aging samples are unable to conduct electricity as easily as young fresh samples.

Chemical Properties: Attempts to bond with Wo any chance it can get. Also, tends to form strong bonds with itself. Becomes explosive when mixed with Kd (element Kid) for prolonged period of time. Pretty basic. Neutralize by saturating with alcohol.

Usage: None really, except methane production. Good samples are able to produce large quantities on command.

Caution: In the absence of Wo, this element rapidly decomposes and begins to smell.

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), April 16, 1999.

K-Now I challenge you to post a "perfect day" in y2k after, say, a 6 or 7 on the impact scale. Can you say; "Change in perspective and values?" Sure you can.

-- getreal (2decadent@4me.com), April 17, 1999.