We're getting too serious! How about some good laughs!greenspun.com : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread
LET'S ALL POST OUR FAVORITE JOKES AND HAVE SOME GOOD LAUGHS! (Keep it clean please, so we don't get deleted) ************************************************************
A farmer went to see an attorney about getting a divorce, and the following discussion took place. Attorney: Well, do you have grounds? Farmer: Yes, I have about 140 acres. Attorney: No, you don't understand. Do you have a case? Farmer: No, but I have a John Deere. Attorney: You still don't understand. I mean, do you have a grudge? Farmer: Yes, that's where I keep my John Deere. Attorney: No, no! I mean, do you have a suit? Farmer: Yes, sir- I wear it to church every sunday. Attorney: Is she a nagger? Farmer: No, she's white. Attorney: Well, does your wife beat you up? Farmer: No, sir. We both get up at 4:30. Attorney: All right, all right. Let me put it this way. Why do you want a divorce? Farmer: Well, I never have been able to have a meaningfull conversation with that woman!
-- smitty (email@example.com), April 15, 1999
A really beautiful, fantastically stacked woman got out of the shower and tells her husband it is his turn to take a shower. Just then the doorbell rings, so she gets wrapped in a towel and answers the front door. It's her neighbor, Bill, who's jaw drops at the sight of this beautiful babe. He pulls out 2 one hundred dollar bills and he says they're hers if she drops the towel to her waist. She grabs the $200 and drops the towel. Bill gasps at the sight and offers her another $200 if she drops it all the way. She again grabs the $200 and drops the towel on the floor. Bill gets a good look and he thanks her and leaves. She goes back upstairs as her husband is getting out of the shower. "Who was at the front door", he asks. When she tells him it was Bill, he asks, "Did he say anything about the $400 he owes me?"
-- freddie (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 15, 1999.
Tom was on the side of the road and noticed a most unusual Funeral procession approaching the nearby cemetery. A long black hearse was followed by another long black hearse about 50 feet back. Behind the second hearse was a solitary man walking a pit bull on a leash. Behind that were 200 men walking single file.
Tom couldn't stand the curiosity. He respectfully approached the man walking the dog and said "Sir, I know now is a bad time to disturb you, but I've never seen a funeral like this. Whose funeral is it?"
The man replied "Well, that first hearse is for my wife."
Tom asked, "What happened to her?"
The man replied "My dog bit her and she died."
Tom inquired further, "Well, who is in the second hearse?"
The man answered, "My mother-in-law. She was trying to help my wife when the dog turned and bit her and she died."
A poignant and thoughtful moment of silence passed between the two men.
Tom asks, "Sir, could I borrow that dog?"
He replied, "Get in line".
-- Gayla Dunbar (email@example.com), April 15, 1999.
A man can't get to sleep because of a dripping faucet, so he calls a plumber. The plumber tightens a loose connection and tells the man "That'll be $150". The man says "$150! Just for fixing a dripping faucet? I don't make that kind of money, and I'm a lawyer!" The plumber says "Yeah, I didn't make that kind of money when I was a lawyer either."
-- a (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 15, 1999.
Here's a good laugh:
HaHa HoHoHoHa Ha HaHaa HO HOHAHAHO ha! Ho! Ha Ha Ha Ha!
-- Christine A Newbie (email@example.com), April 15, 1999.
Two moose hunters from Texas are flown into a remote lake in Alaska. They have a good hunt, and both manage to get a large moose. When the plane returns to pick them up, the pilot looks at the animals and says, "This little plane won't lift all of us, the equipment, and both of those animals. You'll have to leave one. We'd never make it over the trees on the take off."
"That's baloney", says one of the hunters.
"Yeah," the other agrees, "you're just chicken: we came out here last year and got two moose and that pilot had some guts: He wasn't afraid to take off!"
"Yeah", said the first hunter, "and his plane wasn't any bigger than yours!"
The pilot got angry, and said, "If he did it, then I can do it. I can fly as well as anybody!" They loaded up, taxied at full throttle, and the plane almost made it, but didn't have the lift to clear the trees at the end of the lake. It clipped the tops, then flipped, then broke up, scattering the baggage, animal carcasses, and passengers all through the brush.
Still alive, but hurt and dazed, the pilot sat up, shook his head to clear it, and said, "Where are we?"
One of the hunters rolled out from being thrown into a bush, looked around, and said, "I'd say about a hundred yards further than last year."
-- Arlin H. Adams (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 15, 1999.
The Smiths had tried for years to have a child and not having had any luck, decided to use a proxy father to start their family.
On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr.Smith kissed his wife and said, "I'm off. The man should be here soon".
Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer rang the doorbell, hoping to make a sale. "Good morning madam. You don't know me but I've come to...."
"Oh, no need to explain. I've been expecting you," Mrs. Smith cut in.
"Really ?" the photographer asked. "Well, good ! I've made a specialty of babies."
"That's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat. Just where do we start?" asked Mrs. Smith, blushing.
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the couch and perhaps a couple on the bed. Sometimes the living room floor is fun too; you can really spread out."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work for Harry and me."
"Well, madam, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"I hope we can get this over with quickly," gasped Mrs. Smith.
"Madam, in my line of work, a man must take his time. I'd love to be in and out in five minutes, but you'd be disappointed with that, I'm sure."
"Don't I know !!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed.
The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus in downtown London."
"Oh my god!!", Mrs. Smith exclaimed, tugging at her handkerchief.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with." The photographer handed Mrs. Smith the picture.
"She was difficult ?" asked Mrs. Smith.
"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to Hyde Park to get the job done right. People were crowding around four and five deep, pushing to get a good look."
"Four and five deep?" asked Mrs. Smith, eyes widened in amazement.
"Yes", the photographer said. "And for more than three hours too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling. I could hardly concentrate. Then darkness approached and I began to rush my shots.
Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just packed it all in."
Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "You mean they actually chewed on your, eh......equipment ?".
"That's right. Well madam, if you're ready, I'll set up my tripod so that we can get to work."
"Tripod??", Mrs. Smith looked extremely worried now.
"Oh yes, I have to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big for me to hold while I'm getting ready for action. Madam ? Madam?..... Good Lord, she's fainted !!"
-- camera (email@example.com), April 15, 1999.
2525 comeon now all together nice and loud!
-- auntie du du (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 16, 1999.
Two guys and a girl were sitting at a bar talking about their professions.
The one guy says, "I'm a YUPPIE..ya know...Young Urban Professional Person In Employment."
The second guys says "I'm a DINK..ya know, Double Income No Kids."
They asked the woman, "What are you?"
She replied "I'm a WIFE...ya know, Wash, Iron, Fuck, Etc.
-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), April 16, 1999.
If a man speaks in the forest, and there is no woman present to hear
him, is he STILL wrong?
-- Lilly (email@example.com), April 16, 1999.
What NOT to Name Your Dog
Everybody who has a dog calls him "Rover" or "Boy." I call mine "Sex." He's a great pal, but he has caused me a great deal of embarrassment.
When I went to city hall to renew his dog license, I told the clerk I would like a license for Sex. He said, "I'd like one, too!" Then I said, "But this is a dog." He said he didn't care what she looked like. Then I said, "You don't understand, I've had Sex since I was 9 years old." He winked and said, "You must have been quite a kid."
When I got married and went on my honey-moon, I took the dog with me. I told the motel clerk that I wanted a room for my wife and me and a special room for Sex.
He said, "You don't need a special room. As long as you pay your bill we don't care what you do." I said, "Look, you don't seem to understand, Sex keeps me awake at night." The clerk said, "Funny- I have the same problem."
One day I entered Sex in a contest, but before the competition began, the dog ran away. Another contestant asked me why I was just standing there, looking disappointed. I told him I had planned to have Sex in the contest. He told me I should have sold my own tickets. "But you don't understand," I said, "I had hoped to have Sex on TV." He said, "Now that cable is all over the place, it's no big deal anymore."
When my wife and I separated, we went to court to fight for custody of the dog. I said, "Your Honor, I had Sex before I was married." The judge said, "The courtroom isn't a confessional. Stick to the case, please!"
Then I told him that after I was married, Sex left me. He said, "Me, too."
Last night Sex ran off again. I spent hours looking around town for him. A cop came over to me and asked, "What are you doing in this alley at 4 o'clock in the morning?" I told him that I was looking for Sex. My case comes up Friday!
-- Gayla Dunbar (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 16, 1999.
Two little kids were sitting on a curb and one of them held up a little bottle with little balls in it. The other one said...What you got there?... His friend said...These are smart pills. Hey can I have a few? So the kid gives him a few smart pills to eat. His friend said, hey, these pills taste like rabbit turts! The other one said...See, you're getting smarter already!
-- old fartsky (email@example.com), April 16, 1999.
A fellow went to a pub one night and ordered three pints of beer all at the same time. The bartender said, "Well, that's interesting. Usually guys like to drink their first drink before ordering another."
"Yeah, well, I have a brother in Italy," said the man, "and a brother in Germany, and, well, I just like to pretend that they're sitting here with me, drinking next to me."
"Oh," said the bartender, rather touched by this.
This went on for many weeks, until one night, the man only ordered two pints. The bartender felt bad for his customer. "Say," the bartender said, "I'm sorry to hear -- I mean, I hope you haven't lost a brother."
"Lost a brother?" said the man. "Oh, no. I quit drinking."
-- One (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 16, 1999.
A honeymooning couple had purchased a talking parrot and taken it to their room, where much to the groom's annoyance, the bird kept up a running commentary on their love-making. Finally the groom threw a large towel over the cage and threatened to give the parrot to the zoo if he didn't quit it.
The next morning, packing to return home, the couple couldn't close a large suitcase. The groom said, "Darling, you get on top and I'll try." That didn't work. Figuring they needed more weight on the lid, she said, "Sweetheart, you get on top and I'll try." Still no success. Then he said, "Look, let's both get on top and try." At that point the parrot yanked away the towel and said, "Zoo or no zoo. This... I gotta see!!!"
-- andrea (email@example.com), April 16, 1999.
A 65 year old woman is naked, jumping up and down on her bed, laughing and singing. Her husband walks into the bedroom and sees her.
He watches her a while then says, "You look ridiculous! What on earth do You think you're doing?"
She says, "I just got my check-up and my doctor says I have the breasts of A twenty-five-year-old." She starts laughing and jumping again.
He says, "Yeah, right. And what did he say about your 65 year-old ass?"
"Your name never came up." she replied.
-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), April 16, 1999.
Mr. Perkins, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smythe, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions." Miss Smythe gasped, then said freezingly, "Mr. Perkins, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this."
With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Perkins called on Miss Johnson and asked the same question. Miss Johnson, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light."
"Correct," said Mr. Perkins. "And now, Miss Smythe, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will someday be faced with a dreadful disappointment."
-- Andy (2000EOD@prodigy.net), April 16, 1999.
W.I.F.E. (BWAAAHAAAAAHAAAAAA BWAAAHAAAHAAAHAAAHAAA!) ROTFLMAOTRDMF
Here is my contribution:
Three couples went to church to talk to the minister about getting and joining the church. One couple was young, another was middle- aged, and the last one was elderly. The minister said " we only have one requirement. You must abstain from sex for two weeks." The couples all agreed that they could do that.
Two weeks later, the couples returned to the church. The minister asked each couple how it went. The young couple replied that it was really hard but that they managed to abstain. The middle-aged couple said that it was extremely difficult but that they managed to abstain as well. Finally, the minister faced the elderly couple. The woman was squirming nervously in the pew. She averted her eyes from the minister's gaze. The minister asked "Well, how did it go?" The elderly man answered "Well, everthing was going along just fine until my wife dropped a can of peas. Suddenly, I just couldn't take it anymore and we succumbed to passion." The minister said "Sir, I am very sorry but we cannot allow you to come back here." The elderly man replied "I understand. That is exactly what they said at the grocery store, too."
-- Sharon (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 16, 1999.
A blonde (or whoever you want it to be) and an attorney boarded a jet liner for a long overseas flight. When they sat down next to each other, the attorney asked the blonde if she wanted to play a game to pass the time. She replied, "No, I am really tired and just want to get some sleep." Figuring that this was a golden opportunity not to be lost, the attorney persisted saying, "I'll ask you a question and if you can't answer it you give me $5. Then you ask me a question and if I can't answer I'll give you $5." She again said that all she wanted to do was sleep. Feeling very confident about his abilities he said, "OK, I tell you what, if you can't answer you give me $5, but if I can't answer I'll give you $50." She finally relented and said, "Go ahead." He then asked the question, "How many miles is it from the earth to the moon?" She reached into her purse and handed him $5. He said, "Your turn. Ask me a question." She asked him, "What climbs up a mountain with 3 legs and descends with 4 legs?" He sat and thought for several minutes and then pulled out his laptop computer. He connected to the Internet and ran search after search. He called every friend he could think of all to no avail. After 3 hours he finally gave up. He woke up the blonde lady next to him and handed her $50. She turned, leaned against the wall and closed her eyes again to continue her nap. In exasperation he cried, "Wait a minute! What's the answer?!" She reached into her purse and handed him $5.
-- winna (??@??.com), April 16, 1999.
Two bees ran into each other. One asked the other how things were going. "Really bad," said the second bee, "the weather has been really wet and damp and there aren't any flowers or pollen, so I can't make any honey."
"No problem," said the first bee, "Just fly down five blocks and turn left and keep going until you see all the cars. There's a Bar Mitzvah going on and there are all kinds of fresh flowers and fresh fruit."
"Thanks for the tip" said the second bee and flew away.
A few hours later the two bees ran into each other again and the first bee asked, "How'd it go?"
"Fine," said the second bee, "It was everything you said if would be."
"Uh, what's that thing on your head?" asked the first bee.
"That's my yarmulke," said the second bee. "I didn't want them to think I was a wasp."
-- Hallyx (Hallyx@aol.com), April 16, 1999.
Why have lawyers suddenly started asking for prescriptions for Viagra? They think it will make them taller.
-- Sharon (email@example.com), April 16, 1999.
My all-time favorite Clinton joke:
Bill Clinton went jogging one morning and came upon the Washington Monument. He said, "George, what should I do?"
After a few seconds George replied, "Abolish the IRS and start over."
Bill thought about this for a few seconds and continued jogging.
Shortly he came upon the Jefferson Memorial. He said "Tom, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Tom replied, "Abolish welfare and start over."
Bill continued jogging after thinking about this and came upon the Lincoln Memorial. He said, "Abe, what should I do?"
After a few seconds Abe replied, "Why don't you take the night off and go to the theater?"
-- Roland (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 16, 1999.
One for the family ... even the youngest kids....
What did the snail say when it got onto the turtle and went for a ride?
-- Dan (DanTCC@Yahoo.com), April 16, 1999.
Two babies are in the hospital nursery. One says to the other, "Hi, I'm a little girl baby!" The other says,"Hi, I'm a little boy baby!" The first one says, "Prove it!" So he looks around until all the nurses are gone, reaches down and grabs his nightgown and slowly pulls it up and says, "See? Blue Booties!" :)
-- winna (??@??.com), April 17, 1999.
Q: How do you catch a polar bear?
A: First make a hole in the ice. Then put 7 peas around the hole. When the polar bear comes to take a "pea", kick him in the "ice hole". (Don't tell Green Peace :-P)
-- Lisa (email@example.com), April 17, 1999.
A man was eating in a fancy restaurant, and there was a gorgeous blond eating at the next table. He had been checking her out all night, but lacked the nerve to go talk to her.
Suddenly she sneezed and her glass eye went flying out of her socket towards the man. With his quick reflexes, he caught it in mid-air.
"Oh my god, I am sooooo sorry," the woman said as she popped her eye back in the socket. "Let me buy you dinner to make it up to you."
They enjoyed a wonderful dinner together and afterwards the woman invited him back to her place for a drink.
They went back to her house, and after a bit she brought him into the bedroom and began undressing him. The couple had wild, passionate sex many times during the night.
The next morning when he awoke, she had already gotten up and brought him breakfast in bed.
The guy was amazed. "You know, you are the perfect woman. Are you this nice to every guy you meet?"
"No, she replied.... You just happened to catch my eye!
-- Sysman (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 17, 1999.
A Pastor once received a parrot for his birthday from one of his parishioners. This parrot was fully grown and had a bad attitude and a worse vocabulary. Every other word was an expletive. Those that weren't expletives were, to say the least....rude.
The Pastor tried hard to change the bird's attitude and was constantly saying polite words, playing soft music, quoting Bible versus and anything he could think of to try and set a good example.... Nothing worked.
Frustrated, he yelled at the bird and the bird got worse. He shook the bird and the bird got more angry and more rude. Finally, in a moment of desperation, the Pastor put the parrot in the freezer.
For a few moments he heard the bird squawking, kicking, screaming and swearing, then suddenly an audible gasp and then there was quiet. The pastor was frightened that he might have hurt the bird so he quickly opened the freezer door.
The parrot calmly stepped out onto his extended arm and humbly said: "I'm sorry that I might have offended you with my language and actions, and I ask your forgiveness. I will endeavor to correct my behavior..."
The Pastor was astonished at the bird's sudden change in attitude and was about to ask what had made such a dramatic change when the parrot continued:
"...may I ask what the chicken did to offend you?"
-- Gayla Dunbar (email@example.com), April 17, 1999.
Two old farts, a man and his hard of hearing wife, pull up to an old run-down Florida cracker gas station:
Cracker: "How can I hep ya?"
Wife: "Whadee say?"
Man: "HE SAID HE WANTS TO HELP US."
Man: "Filler up please, willya son."
Cracker: "Surely, can I check unner the hood fer ya?"
Wife: "Whadee say?"
Man: "HE SAID HE'S GOING TO CHECK THE OIL."
Cracker: "Your a jes a bit low, I'll topper off"
Wife: "Whadee say?"
Man: "HE SAID WE'RE A LITTLE LOW ON OIL."
Cracker: "So, where y'all from?"
Wife: "Whadee say?"
Man: "HE'S ASKIN' WHERE WE'RE FROM."
Man: "We're from New York city"
Cracker: "Well now, I been ta New York city when I's inna Navy. Got real drunk and picked up some scabby bitch. Gol amighty, she was the worst ugly stinkin' ho I ever did shack wit, what a terrible scummy piece a tail she was."
Wife: "Whadee say?"
Man: "HE THINKS HE KNOWS YOU."
-- Uncle Deedah (firstname.lastname@example.org), April 17, 1999.
There was a Christian lady who lived next door to an atheist. Everyday, when the lady prayed, the atheist guy could hear her. He thought to himself, "She sure is crazy, praying all the time like that. Doesn't she know there isn't a God?" Many times while she was praying, he would go to her house and harass her saying, "Lady, why do you pray all the time? Don't you know there is no God?" But she kept on praying. One day, she ran out of groceries. As usual, she was praying to the Lord explaining her situation and thanking Him for what He was gonna do. As usual, the atheist heard her praying and thought to himself, "Hmph...I'll fix her." He went to the grocery store, bought a whole bunch of groceries, took them to her house, dropped them off on the front porch, rang the door bell and then hid in the bushes to see what she would do. When she opened the door and saw the groceries, she began to praise the Lord with all her heart, jumping, singing and shoutin' everywhere! The atheist then jumped out of the bushes and told her, "You ol' crazy lady, God didn't buy you those groceries, I bought those groceries!" Well, she broke out and started running down the street, shouting and praising the Lord. When he finally caught her, he asked what her problem was...She said, "I KNEW THE LORD WOULD PROVIDE ME WITH SOME GROCERIES, BUT I DIDN'T KNOW HE WAS GONNA MAKE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!"
-- andrea (email@example.com), April 17, 1999.