After a day of dropping (via email) hellacious, omigawd news and opinions on all and sundry (Y2K Meets Kosovo Meets Russia, etc.), raining bombs on foes and friends alike, a la NATO, I decided to visit this forum, where I always find that deep and holy tranquillity that comes from utter despair.

I purport, very occasionally, to know something about the mechanisms of humor (the Edsel, now that was a mechanism of humor); one oldie but goodie is simply inversion: stand on your head and stick out your tongue. Or stand something else on its head. That's what Leno did the other night. No, he didn't stand on his head and stick out his tongue; he stood Y2K on its head. After noting that Y2K stories are all over the news (dead cold silence from the audience at this note, incidentally, eeriely reminiscent of the reception Clinton got from Congress when he mentioned Y2K during the State of the Union address), Leno went on to claim that Y2K will actually have many good effects. For example, it will delete your name from the files of the Columbia Record Company and the Publishers Clearinghouse. Also, if the phones go down, that means no more MCI salesmen calling you at dinner time.

I suggest a few more good effects of Y2K. Feel free to add your own. (N.B. Leno once offered me big bucks to write monologue jokes--for Letterman.)

10. You no longer need feel that your life is going down the toilet--because now your toilet ain't working.

9. Astronomers no longer need complain about "light pollution."

8. That smelly old chemical plant next door won't be around any more. (Of course you won't be around any more, either.)

7. You won't have to listen to your neighbor's stereo any more. (Just his screams. Still beats rap music.)

6. You'll no longer need to worry about balancing your check book.

5. We'll no longer be worrying about Kosovo.

4. No elections in 2000. (The bad news: we're stuck with Clinton indefinitely. The good news: we don't get Gore.)

3. No Olympics in 2000. (Even better, no McDonald's commercials in 2000.)

2. We'll all lose weight. (I mean, how much rice and beans can you really eat?)

1. This forum will be gone--and so will these bad jokes.

-- Don Florence (dflorence@zianet.com), April 14, 1999

Answers

5. With duct tape as currency, it's a lot easier to make change.

4. Strict "Know Your Looter" laws promote community building.

3. After the initial nuclear exchange, not many mosquitoes.

2. With all the plagues going around, calling in sick is much more believable.

And the number one reason good thing about y2k:

1. Turns out Gary North makes a pretty good dictator after all.

-- a (a@a.a), April 14, 1999.

Mine might not be nearly as funny, but they are true, all the same:

1. No more watching people weave all over the road trying to make a cell phone call.

2. No more 1 hour and 10 minute (one way) commute in heavy Dallas traffic twice a day (already sounding good to me).

3. No IRS ( I could stop there and most people would be happy.)

4. NO JUNK MAIL!

5. NO BILLS!

6. No late fees on Blockbuster videos. (No videos, either.)

7. No more crappy, I'd-rather-open-a-vein-than-go-to-work job!

I'm getting depressed now. Sorry. I know this thread was supposed to be funny...forgive me.

-- preparing (preparing@home.com), April 14, 1999.

I'm in the realism mode tonight, so the humor is more subtle (if in evidence at all).

(Grain and mills are ever-popular but God invented flour in bags for good reason.) The bright side: Your sweet wife can grind that stored wheat grain up to make flour for homemade bread. What a back to basics life! What charm! The down side: She'll have an upper body like Arnold Schwartzenegger by April. Don't piss her off.

(In times of duress, humans are drawn to more intimate relationships.) The bright side: you may get sex more often and feel closer to your spouse. How romantic is bonding! The down side: Autumn of 2000 will see more babies than a bunny colony. Got diapers?

Realism: The truth about priorities will finally be seen. Water, then shelter, then food -- then toilet paper. Itchy butts make itchy trigger fingers, mark my words.

By Spring of the Year 2000, I predict a massive environmentalist-type mentality taking over our culture, as people realize the value (and lack of) unpolluted streams and groundwater, and the need for high-yield backyard gardening. Declaring that we don't want those nasty chemicals anyway, much of America will set to work getting back in touch with nature and organic remedies, especially in the more rural/outskirt areas.

Then summer will come, and that can of bug- fogger poison in your cabinet will be a best seller for any of 1 million households each containing 2.97 million fleas, chiggers, and ticks each. Ah, and in the rural areas, lice too. Maybe poisonous chemicals aren't so bad after all. Got RAID?

Ever said, "It's so hard, I wish I had help?" The delightful 'ease' of the Nicotene-Patch 3- step process will be simplified into one simple step overnight. What a grand opportunity to get rid of that nasty habit. And going cold turkey while being totally stressed out at the same time will be your own sort of mission-critical compliance test. Got gum?

PJ in TX

-- PJ Gaenir (fire@firedocs.com), April 15, 1999.

i can,t wait to see my daughter in law who like to eat out grinding flour for bread she forgot to buy the yeast for.washing all of the dirty diapers after being used to pampers.useing my old sears catolog after the tolit paper runs out.eating all of that tuna wanting the pizzia she loves so much.mowing the grass with the push mower when she wouldn't even mow with the riding mower.doing the laundry on a stone down at the creek when she didn't even like putting them in the automic washer.also hanging them out on the line when she doesn't even know how to open a cloths pin.the fun i will have watching all this is endless.can any one add to this list of fun things she will be doing?

-- mother in law (revenge@pp.com), April 15, 1999.