Not the Titanic

Good evening passengers, this is your Captain speaking. Yes it is me ol Capt. Doc Paulie.

Now, I realize that we have had an encounter with some water, which was at that time in a solid state, below 32 degrees, as it were. But I wish to be perfectly clear that this is nothing to worry about. Have no fear. While the rumors you may have heard are true about a slight sprinkle amidships, you should take strength from the fact that our engineers are tightening up any bad leaks that would threaten our vessel. In fact they are at this moment telling me that we are on track to have all mission critical leaks tightened up before there is any danger of having our decks awash. I trust our lads to complete this task even though there is absolutely no precedent for it. They are good fellows.

Now, on to the most serious of business.

I will have no, repeat, no passengers wearing anything that may be construed as a life vest. I will not put up with that, it is unacceptable. Life vests on some passengers may result in panic among those not wearing them, and panic is something we cannot have. You will therefore leave the life vests in the racks where they belong. Seeing the life vests in the racks will reassure the other passengers that all is well with the ship, and that no actions are deemed at this time.

Also

There will be no, repeat, no lifeboat drills. Lifeboat drills instill panic among those not already in them, and that is something I will not have. If you are now making your way toward your lifeboat station it is your patriotic duty to stop where you are and stand to. Lifeboats are at this time to be held in chocks, and covered with their tarpaulins. Any move toward the lifeboats would threaten the mental stability of the souls on board.

Having said this, should the decks become slightly wet with the North Atlantic, you will need to figure it out for yourselves.

Thank you for your attention.

-- Uncle Deedah (oncebitten@twiceshy.com), April 08, 1999

Answers

I know Unc, I read that piece of crap. Remember who you are dealing with. This moron is one of the top posters at the "Gary North Is A Big Fat Idiot" forum. I call it the IDIOT'S forum and leave it at that. They don't have a clue, and will never get one. Don't waste your time with these jerks. We need you here. <:)=

-- Sysman (y2kboard@yahoo.com), April 08, 1999.

They are now refering to Gary as "Badfinger!" I for one am glad Gary stuck his finger in the dike, while as many as possible could be warned of the dam that is about to burst. May his surgery have gone well, and I look forward to his next post!

-- john (jbhager@webtv.net), April 08, 1999.

Unc, Nice to see you back. Though the currency of a couple of your comments suggests, to the more cynical of us (who, MOI??) that you were lurking a LOT more than you had wanted to admit. Course, now IS the time of year that your snowbirds decide to leave, and i suppose you might get a bit busy summerizing their places. Always assuming they summerize the winter home like they winterize the summer home.

Chuck

If your e-mail worked, and you were in the Daytona area (generally, Holly Hill or environs more speciffically) and you wanted some more work, I know a real estate person who might have need of a contractor/handy person)

-- Chuck, a night driver (reinzoo@en.com), April 08, 1999.

Uncle Deedah, You wrote..."I will have no, repeat, no passengers wearing anything that may be construed as a life vest."

When we were young, and things were "different" my mother would send us down to the creek to pick blackberries, when the appricots were ripe we would pick them, and occasionally someone would drop off a bunch of fruit, etc. We would spend the next several days canning and by end of summer our pantry was packed full of jams, jellies, and other good things.

No one ever thought of this as hoarding! Interesting they call intelligent people "hoarders."

A friend grew up in the Red River area of North Dakota. He told me about their preps for winter. Every meal was planned, canned, or frozen. What they couldn't grow they purchased in bulk and stored for winter, coffee, flour, sugar, etc. He said this was the norm until the big grocerie stores moved in and changed things.

-- freeman (freeman@cali.com), April 08, 1999.

Uncle Deedah -

good satire, but I think you're a bit overly optimistic concerning the vocabulary and maturity levels of your target.

Arlin

-- Arlin H. Adams (ahadams@ix.netcom.com), April 08, 1999.

Uncle, this reminds me more of "The Last Ship" by David Brinkley than the Titanic. Me worry? Doesn't everyone know that acid rain is good for you, and life belts are life savers.

-- gilda jessie (jess@listbot.com), April 08, 1999.