If you grill a pro- will it pane him?

What goes well with duck soup? Quackers.

If you get "nickled and dimed to death" , who pays for your funeral?

Why did the umpire through himself out of the game? He had a split personality.

What does a cat smell like? Purrr-fume.

When you stike a match, does it fire you?

When night falls, does is get a boo-boo?

When the sun sets, does it put up its feet?

When time passes, does it wave hello?

When hope wanes, does it pour?

Is the feminine for wall, a wall-ete?

When the sun rises, does it take a rain shower?

If you are expecting a baby, do you leave the light on for it?

If you squeeze and orange, you get orange juice. What do you get when you squeeze the Charmin?

Why do they call it a side walk, when you use it facing forward?

If your breath is bad, do you make it go sit in the corner?

When it rains, why dont pot holes leak?

I have a photographic memeory, but I forgot to load the film.

The y2k issue is so serious. I thought maybe you could use a laugh. I hope you enjoyed these at least a little bit.

Kay :-)

-- kay (y2kay@giggle.com), March 01, 1999

Answers

As long as we are off-topic, how about the following cat haikus (for those of us with fuzzy lap warmers during our browsing sessions):

>> Negotiating >> No-man's land: carpet alive, >> Flea season again >> >> i need a new toy. >> tail of black dog keeps good time. >> pounce! good dog! good dog! >> >> The rule for today >> Touch my tail, I shred your hand >> New rule tomorrow >> >> In deep sleep hear sound >> cat vomit hairball somewhere >> will find in morning >> >> Cat, fearless hunter >> leaves 'presents' for me near door >> next time I'll wear shoes >> >> Grace personified, >> I leap into the window. >> I meant to do that. >> >> Night. Now come night-mice. >> I chase them 'round on loud feet. >> You can't see them too? >> >> Blur of motion, then -- >> silence, me, a paper bag. >> What is so funny? >> >> You never feed me. >> Perhaps I'll sleep on your face. >> That will sure show you. >> >> The mighty hunter >> Returns with gifts of plump birds -- >> Your foot just squashed one >> >> You must scratch me there! >> Yes, above my tail! Behold, >> elevator butt. >> >> You're always typing. >> Well, let's see you ignore my >> sitting on your hands. >> >> My small cardboard box. >> You cannot see me if I >> can just hide my head. >> >> Terrible battle. >> I fought for hours. Come and see! >> What's a 'term paper'? >> >> Kitty likes plastic >> Confuses for litter box >> Don't leave tarp around >> >> Small brave carnivores >> Kill pine cones and mosquitoes >> Fear vacuum cleaner >> >> Want to trim my claws? >> Don't even think about it! >> My yelps will wake dead. >> >> I want to be close >> To you. Can I fit my head >> inside your armpit? >> >> Wanna go outside. >> Oh, shit! Help! I got outside! >> Let me back inside! >> >> Oh no! Big One >> has been trapped by newspaper! >> Cat to the rescue! >> >> Humans are so strange. >> Mine lies still in bed, then screams! >> My claws aren't that sharp ... >> >> Cats meow out of angst >> "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! >> We could break so much!" >> >> Litter box not here >> You must have moved it again >> I'll crap in the sink. >> >> The Big Ones snore now >> Every room is dark and cold >> Time for "Cup Hockey" >> >> We're almost equals >> I purr to show I love you >> Want to smell my butt?

-- Brooks (brooksbie@hotmail.com), March 01, 1999.

So sorry. Let me try again:

>> Negotiating >> No-man's land: carpet alive, >> Flea season again

>> i need a new toy. >> tail of black dog keeps good time. >> pounce! good dog! good dog!

>> The rule for today >> Touch my tail, I shred your hand >> New rule tomorrow

>> In deep sleep hear sound >> cat vomit hairball somewhere >> will find in morning

>> Cat, fearless hunter >> leaves 'presents' for me near door >> next time I'll wear shoes

>> Grace personified, >> I leap into the window. >> I meant to do that.

>> Night. Now come night-mice. >> I chase them 'round on loud feet. >> You can't see them too?

>> Blur of motion, then -- >> silence, me, a paper bag. >> What is so funny?

>> You never feed me. >> Perhaps I'll sleep on your face. >> That will sure show you.

>> The mighty hunter >> Returns with gifts of plump birds -- >> Your foot just squashed one

>> You must scratch me there! >> Yes, above my tail! Behold, >> elevator butt.

>> You're always typing. >> Well, let's see you ignore my >> sitting on your hands.

>> My small cardboard box. >> You cannot see me if I >> can just hide my head.

>> Terrible battle. >> I fought for hours. Come and see! >> What's a 'term paper'?

>> Kitty likes plastic >> Confuses for litter box >> Don't leave tarp around

>> Small brave carnivores >> Kill pine cones and mosquitoes >> Fear vacuum cleaner

>> Want to trim my claws? >> Don't even think about it! >> My yelps will wake dead.

>> I want to be close >> To you. Can I fit my head >> inside your armpit?

>> Wanna go outside. >> Oh, shit! Help! I got outside! >> Let me back inside!

>> Oh no! Big One >> has been trapped by newspaper! >> Cat to the rescue!

>> Humans are so strange. >> Mine lies still in bed, then screams! >> My claws aren't that sharp ...

>> Cats meow out of angst >> "Thumbs! If only we had thumbs! >> We could break so much!"

>> Litter box not here >> You must have moved it again >> I'll crap in the sink.

>> The Big Ones snore now >> Every room is dark and cold >> Time for "Cup Hockey"

>> We're almost equals >> I purr to show I love you >> Want to smell my butt?

-- Brooks, who flunked HTML again... (brooksbie@hotmail.com), March 01, 1999.

A sweet little boy surprised his grandmother one morning and brought her a cup of coffee. He made it himself and was so proud. He anxiously waited to hear the verdict on the quality of the coffee.

The grandmother had never in her life had such a bad cup of coffee, and as she forced down the last sips she noticed three of those little green army guys in the bottom of the cup.

She asked, "Honey, why would three little green army guys be in the bottom of my cup?"

Her grandson replied, "You know, grandma, it's like on TV, 'The best part of waking up is soldiers in your cup.'"

-- Gayla Dunbar (privacy@please.com), March 01, 1999.

Wonderful hatchoo's

full from cats'... meows...paws....claws

Compliant thank you's.

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw, GA) (cook.R@csaatl.com), March 01, 1999.

A blonde wanted to go ice fishing. She'd seen many books on the subject,and finally, after getting all the necessary "tools" together, she made for the nearest frozen body of water. After positioning her comfy footstool, she started to make a circular cut in the ice.

Suddenly, from the sky, a voice boomed, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

Startled, the blonde moved further down the ice, poured a Thermos of cappuccino, and began to cut yet another hole.

Again, from the heavens, the voice said, "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

The Blonde, now quite worried, moved way down to the opposite end of the ice, set up her stool, and tried again to cut her hole.

The voice came once more. "THERE ARE NO FISH UNDER THE ICE!"

She stopped, looked skyward, and said, "Is that you, Lord?"

The voice replied, "No, this is the Manager of the Ice Rink!"

-- Gayla Dunbar (privacy@please.com), March 01, 1999.