I am very confused about my Catholic faith. My marriage is breaking up right before my eyes, and a 3 year old boy is in the middle. I am quite hurt that an opinion of one, perhaps 2 priests are contributing to this break down. I would like honest to the point answers, with references if possible.

My wife and I married after a brief courtship. She has a diagnosed anxiety disorder and anorexia, and was just started on medication before we were married. I was naive and barely dated more than 10 people, and was never in a long term relationship. I was not a practicing Catholic for nearly 7 years before the marriage. We took our vows in the Catholic church. I thought that I took an honest vow.

After 2 years of marriage, we had our first child. He is now 3. The stress of the active child strained my wife's anxiety and our marriage. I reentered a work-study program which placed tremendous stress on both of us. I restarted an old habit of using pornagraphy when our sexual life was not satisfying. After nearly 1 year of almost continous fighting, I admitted to my wife that my abuse of pornagraphy contributed to the breakdown of the marriage.

We continued marital counseling. My wife told me I was a sex addict. She forced me to go to sex addict anonymous meetings. I did. She wanted me to see and addiction counselor. I finally did. I worked the 12 steps, went to confession regularly, sees and talk to a priest regularly. But my wife seeked advise from a priest that she respected. He recommended that we separate from one another for at least 6 months.

We were separated first for a presumed 2 months. Then my wife told me that it had to be 6 months due to the recommendation of this priest. He also recommended that we should not talk to one another nor seek marital counseling. He also told my wife that in his opionion, and according to the Catholic Canon law, our marriage is invalid. My wife takes this stance also, and believe that our marriage is invalid, and had told me numerous times over the last 2 months that we should seek a divorce, and that things are hopeless for our relationship to improve.

Despite the fact that I stopped using pornagraphy for almost 6 months, and did not even masturbated for nearly 6 months, and continued in working my 12 steps (like the alcoholic anonymous program), and telling this priest this fact; he stills think that our marriage is invalid in his eyes. (of course, we have not had any sexual relationship at all during these time).

We are still separated. We have not seen a marriage counselor for 5 months. I am not allowed to call my wife. She is filing for a divorce. The priest said that he is not the cause of our marriage to break down, that I was. With the mentality that our marriage was invalid to begin with - because my wife and this priest assume that I married her for lust. (I am sure that part of the reason why many man marry someone is to satisfy his lust to some part - I have to be honest). But isn't the fact that I am trying to change, negate the fact that perhaps I was somewhat blinded by lust at first?

I guess if there was a marriage manual, an explanation of the "contract" I took in front of God, or a question on the marriage questionaire "What percentage of the reason why you want to marry your wife is lust?", then I can see where my marriage vow is invalid. I was just a naive, hormone driven 29 year old man, who was never married when I ask my wife to marry me.

Do I need a canon law expert to advise me before I ask the next person to marry me in a Catholic church? The opinion of this priest alone is not the sole cause of our marital break down of course - many factors are involved. But his opinions are making it difficult to mend a marriage already torn by many difficult circumstances.

Thank you for your honest input.

-- Tsp (anonymous@aol.com), January 25, 1999

Answers

Did I fail to disclose my past life to my wife? I never answered her falsely about my background. I did freely admitted to her that I did have sexual relationship to prostitutes before we were married. I did not tell her that I abused pornagraphy. I did not tell her that I masturbated regularly before we were married. She did not ask me. I was told by medical professionals that masturbation was a normal part of one's sexuality - but did not know that it was addictive, until after we were married. My wife did not ask me any question that had prompted these information before we were married. So did I withheld pertinent information before we were married?

-- addendum (anonymous@aol.com), January 25, 1999.

Sounds like both of you had a few problems to begin with that needed to be solve between you - not a priest. The "church" is not going to help if you don't actually read the Bible and what it says. You gotten to a point where it will be very difficult to work out the "challenges" but all things are possible.

The key to a relationship - any kind - especially marrige is Communication. Sit down and talk it out. Yes, it will take a lot of time - a lot of patience on both sides. My brother-in-law and sister- in-law just went thru something very similar (porn questions), but they worked out some of it and are working on the rest now.

Trust in God ansd His son and that's all that matters, Jamey

-- JBC (JRA@JRA-ARCHITECTS.COM), January 26, 1999.

My best friend is a canon lawyer who is very realistic in these matters. You and your wife can be helped without a divorce. The priest sounds as if he is very repressed as most are without any form of professional training in these areas.

If you need a canon lawyer please e:Mail me and I shall forward your situation to her. She is a professed nun and is with it in the modern society. Not stuck in the Medieval period. A great gal and very humble in her faith.

Peace And Well Being

A Little Brother In Christ Jean Bouchard

-- jean bouchard (jeanb@cwk.imag.net), May 14, 1999.

You may not leave your wife and she may not leave you. The culprit here is the priest who offered his opinion without telling your wife that only the final opinion of your local marriage tribunal carries the full weight and then you still have right to appeal. Your wife has been mislead.

You both need an instruction on the necessity of permanance in marriage that denies separation except for necessity. I have info to send you on this matter taken from a course in marriage given at Duquesne University. Please use my address.

Phil Lange

P.S. My marriage is breaking up too after 33 years and 9 children. I too have a priest giving erroneous advice to my wife. I am in need of a canon lawyer but unable to find one at the moment.

-- Phil Lange (philange@juno.com), December 06, 2000.

I am not Catholic. But I have very strong feelings about this.

The Bible is very clear on the subject of Divorce. Go to 1 Corinthians 7:10-16.. Now for those who are married I have a command, not just a suggestion. And it is not a command from me, for this is what the Lord himself has said: A wife must not leave her husband. But if she is separated from him, let her remain single or else go back to him. And the husband must not divorce his wife.

It goes on describing different situations. But the point is that God takes Marriage very seriously. When we marry we make a solemn vow to love, honor and obey( yuk, I don't like that obey word but I do submit myself to it).

I am not one to point a finger, for I have been married more than once. But if I had it to do over, I would never get a Divorce. My husband and I have been separated 3 times ( because of some very serious things) We are not equally yoked, so he could actually divorce me if he wants( 1 Corinthians 7:15 ). I am a Christian, but he doesn't believe that the Bible is the Word of God.

I need to get to work now, since I am not Catholic, if you want me to stay out of this , I will. The Bible is the infallible Word of God. If we all lived by what It says, this world would be a much better place.

Love& God's Blessings,SSM

-- SSM ( non-catholic) (heartwjesus@yahoo.com), December 06, 2000.

Dear Tsp, There's a lot of truth in your opening sentence. Not only are you confused, your poor wife is also, and when two confused people consult a priest, it's possible they even confuse him.

I don't see so far any bad advice from others in this thread. Some are generalising. But it's mostly good advice. Here's what I think: You are bound in marriage to your wife. She is bound to you, and marriage in the Catholic faith is for life. Don't let anyone tell you otherwise. If you had grounds for annulment, that would be different.

Just because you want to dissolve the marriage is not grounds for annulment. You and she had better think very seriously of any and all possible avenues to saving your marriage. WHY?

Not because both your hearts might break, should you get divorced. Certainly NOT because a good possibility may exist that you'll enjoy a splendid and happy married life if you persevere. It might in fact be a rocky marriage as long as you both live. Your vows before God stated ''For better or for worse.'' Those vows are why you are bound, and God takes them seriously. If you do not take them seriously, you will simply have one more sin on your conscience to live with. Particularly should a re-marriage take place later.

Please don't take me for either an Ayatollah or for Dear Abbey. I have no license to practice Canon Law. But I'm elderly now, and I've witnessed, as many of the others here have, the breakdown in morality and in the family that is so prevalent in society today. You can benefit from the advice of your elders. One of the saddest things I see about the last 50 years is the way ''relationship'' has become a byword, and ''marriage'' has been allowed to decline in our lexicon.

God marries us, to one spouse-- for life. Jesus Christ proclaimed, ''What God has joined let no man put asunder.''

Please, dear Tsp, give your wife a firm assurance; a renewal of your marriage vows; that you have truly ammended your life, and that your respect for her and for your marriage vows have become your own greatest priority. Tell her the reason. It is not God's will that you leave her. She must face the responsibility also, of fighting hard to make a marriage of it. She must accept you with all your weaknesses. (This does not give you license to retreat into masturbation and other unfaithful pursuits. You must learn to be a pure and loving husband.) There is the immense responsibility to your son as well, which both of you would be shirking, should you leave each other. If that is not a sin, nothing else is!

After this, place yourselves in God's hands. Pray, give long thought and meditation, not just to yourselves, but to God's role in the marriage. I shall offer up my own prayers for you both. May the Sacred Heart of Jesus have mercy on you, and help you ***** to fortify the vows you took before His holy altar. ***** All glory and adoration to the Sacred Heart of Jesus!

-- eugene c. chavez (chavezec@pacbell.net), December 06, 2000.

One other thing, Tsp (teaspoon?)

You certainly are not a sex addict! One other sad thing that's entered the scene over the last quarter-century is the prevalence of pop psychology as an answer to everything. Your sex drive is just that; a drive. It has an outlet for you and for every healthy man given the chance. A good marriage.

Inform your wife at the outset; you are supposed to enjoy sex. She is too. If she has periods of disinterest, or frigidity-- let her see a doctor. She needs to keep an open mind regarding your needs. They are normal and licit. No interpretation of Canon Law is going to deny this. As long as you honor your commitment to her and her alone.

-- eugene c. chavez (chavezec@pacbell.net), December 06, 2000.

Even though the thread is almost two years old, here is a site where you can get EXPERT advice:

http://www.ewtn.com/vexperts/conference.htm

Enrique

-- Enrique Ortiz (eaortiz@yahoo.com), December 07, 2000.

My good Enrique, I saw that page, it's helpful; but not for each individual. That is always one of the problems. Every person has his own world. I'm afraid no EXPERT makes a sacrament less than a sacrament. In cases of annulment, a lot of co-operation between spouses is required. If one has more leverage than the other, it cancels out co-operation. I have a feeling (forgive me for validating my view based on only a feeling) that this man is going to have an annulment forced on him. If two priests convince his wife to carry it out, the husband will be given no choice but to give in. Of course, the reverse is possible too. If the husband absolutely refuses, an annulment is unlikely. But from what Tsp has said in his introduction, he is very passive. He maintains that for 3 years all they do is fight. Then he retreats into a self-indulgent phase. At this point, he is in confusion.

Maybe I'm no expert, but my advice is, he must ACT, not react. His wife appears to be driving him, and a priest is letting her think of divorce/annulment instead of stressing to her the unbreakable sacramental union with her husband. Charity demands that all of us help him to see this. Or, at least we have to pray for him, OK? Experts in Canon Law are fine; if there's really a basis for annuling this marriage. But not divorce. There IS no divorce in the Catholic Church.

-- eugene c. chavez (chavezec@pacbell.net), December 07, 2000.