Some humor? : LUSENET : TimeBomb 2000 (Y2000) : One Thread

Can't remember where I found this... somewhere on the www....

Math in 1950 vs" MATH 2000"

Math in 1950: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price. What is his profit?

Math in 1960: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. His cost of production is 4/5 of the price, or $80. What is his profit?

Math in 1970: A logger exchanges a set "L" of lumber for a set "M" of money. The cardinality of set "M" is 100. Each element is worth one dollar. Make 100 dots representing the elements of the set "M". The set "C", the cost of production, contains 20 fewer points than set "M." Represent the set "C" as a subset of set "M" and answer the following question: What is the cardinality of the set "P" for profits?

Math in 1980: A logger sells a truckload of lumber for $100. Her cost of production is $80 and her profit is $20. Your assignment: Underline the number 20.

Math in 1990: By cutting down beautiful forest trees, the logger makes $20. What do you think of this way of making a living? Topic for class participation after answering the question: How did the forest birds and squirrels feel as the logger cut down the trees? There are no wrong answers.

Math in 1996: By laying off 40% of its loggers, a company improves its stock price from $80 to $100. How much capital gain per share does the CEO make by exercising his stock options at $80? Assume capital gains are no longer taxed, because this encourages investment.

Math in 1997: A company out-sources all of its loggers. The firm saves on benefits, and when demand for its product is down, the logging work force can easily be cut back. The average logger employed by the company earned $50,000, had three weeks vacation, a nice retirement plan and medical insurance. The contracted logger charges $50 an hour. Was outsourcing a good move?

Math in 1998: A laid-off logger with four kids at home and a ridiculous alimony from his first failed marriage comes into the logging-company corporate offices and goes postal, mowing down 16 executives and a couple of secretaries, and gets lucky when he nails a politician on the premises collecting his kickback. Was outsourcing the loggers a good move for the company?

Math in 1999: A laid-off logger serving time in Folsom for blowing away several people is being trained as a COBOL programmer in order to work on Y2K projects. What is the probability that the automatic cell doors will open on their own as of 00:01, 01/01/00?

Math in 2000: A logger has pile of sticks and a couple of rocks. Does anyone know how to start a fire with them?

-- S.Rathers (, December 23, 1998


I don't get it. Where were the survivors buried?

-- Polly Unsaturated (, December 23, 1998.

sent to us just now by some friends :)

If corporations ran Christmas...

If IBM ran Christmas...
They would want one big Santa, dressed in blue, where kids queue up for their present-processing. Receiving presents would take about 24-36 hours of mainframe processing time.

If Microsoft ran Christmas...
Each time you bought an ornament, you would have to buy a tree as well.
You wouldn't have to take the tree, but you still have to pay for it anyway. Ornament/95 would weigh 1500 pounds (requiring a reinforced steel countertop tree), draw enough electricity to power a small city, take up 95% of the space in your living room, would claim to be the first ornament that uses the colors red/green together. It would interrogate your other decorations to find out who made them. Most everyone would hate Microsoft ornaments, but nonetheless would buy them since most of the other tree types wouldn't work with their hooks.

If Apple ran Christmas...
It would do everything the Microsoft ornaments do, but years earlier, and with a smaller mouse (not stirring of course).

If Silicon Graphics ran Christmas...
Ornaments would be priced slightly higher, but would hang on the tree remarkably quickly. Also the colors of the ornaments would be prettier than most all the others. Options would be available for 'equalization' of color combinations on the tree.

If Dell ran Christmas...
Wait a minute? Isn't IBM running this Christmas..??

If Fisher Price ran Christmas...
"Baby's First Ornament" would have a hand-crank that you turn to hang the thing on the tree.

If The Rand Corporation ran Christmas...
The ornaments would be large perfectly smooth and seamless black cubes.
Christmas morning there would be presents for everyone, but no one would know what they were. Their service department would have an unlisted phone number, and be located at the North Pole. Blueprints for ornaments would be highly classified government documents. X-Files would have an episode about them.

If the NSA ran Christmas...
Your ornaments would have a secret trap door that only the NSA could access in case they needed to monitor your tree for reasons of national security.

If DEC ran Christmas...
We used to have Christmas back in the '70s, didn't we?

If Hewlett-Packard ran Christmas...
They would market the Reverse Polish Ornament, which is put in your attic on the weekend after Thanksgiving, and placed out for viewing the day after the January Bowl Games.

If Sony ran Christmas...
Their Personal Xmas-ing Device, which would be barely larger than an ornament and flat, would allow you to celebrate the season with a device attached conveniently to your belt.

If the Franklin Mint ran Christmas...
Every month, you would receive another lovely hand-crafted item from an authentic Civil War pewter ornament collection. Each ornament would weight about 7 pounds, and require you to pay shipping and handling charges.

If Cray ran Christmas...
The holiday season would cost $16 million but would be celebrated faster than any other holiday during the year.

If Thinking Machines ran Christmas...
You would be able to hang over 64,000 ornaments on your tree (all identical) at the same time.

If Timex ran Christmas...
The holiday would be cheap, small, quartz-crystal driven, and would let you take a licking and keep on shopping.

If Radio Shack ran Christmas...
The staff would sell you ornaments, but not know anything about them or what they were for. Or you could buy parts to build your own tree.

If K-Tel ran Christmas...
Ornaments would not be sold in stores, but when you purchased some, they would be accompanied by a free set of Ginsu knives.

If University of Waterloo ran Christmas...
They would immediately change the name to WatMas.
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-- Leska (, December 23, 1998.

And if the IRS ran Christmas, who'd get the presents?

-- Robert A. Cook, P.E. (Kennesaw GA) (, December 23, 1998.

Why, the IRS, of course, plus the penalties they'd stiff you for not sending 'em in earlier. The overbearing threatening lien lean notices you'll be getting soon for the $5,035,277,045,988,999.49 you owed on the delinquent fruitcake surcharge. Oops, yeah it seems a little much, but our computers are infallible. If you don't pay today, we'll confiscate your TP.

xxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxx

-- Leska (, December 23, 1998. .au/CWT1997.nsf/09e1552169f2a5dcca2564610027fd24/fd78169ceed845844a256 6e0007b79f8?OpenDocument

xxxxxxx xxxxxxx xxxxxx

-- Leska (, December 23, 1998.

Corporate has determined that there is no longer any need for network or software applications support. (See below)
The goal is to remove all computers from the desktop by Jan, 1999.
Instead, everyone will be provided with an Etch-A-Sketch. There are many sound reasons for doing this:
1. No Y2K problems
2. No technical glitches keeping work from being done.
3. No more wasted time reading and writing e-mails.
Thank you.
Frequently Asked Questions (FAQ) for Etch-A-Sketch
Technical Support:
Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen.
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What's the shortcut for Undo?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I create a New Document window?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch?
A: Pick it up and shake it.
Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document?
A: Don't shake it.

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-- Leska (, January 01, 1999.

Weird Florida

-- Leska (, January 01, 1999.

How to keep a healthy level of insanity and drive other people crazy:

-Page yourself over the intercom. (Don't disguise your voice)

-Put your garbage can on your desk and label it 'IN'.

-Find out where your boss shops and buy exactly the same outfits. Always wear them one day after your boss does. (This is especially effective if your boss is the opposite gender.)

-In the memo field of all your paychecks, write 'for sexual favors'.

-Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

-Send e-mail to the rest of the company to tell them what you're doing. For example: 'If anyone needs me, I'll be in the bathroom.'

-While sitting at your desk, soak your fingers in Palmolive.

-Put mosquito netting around your cubicle.

-Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

-Determine how many cups of coffee is 'too many'.

-Develop an unnatural fear of staplers.

-For a relaxing break, get away from it all in the fish tank with a mask and snorkel. If no one notices, ditch the snorkel and see how many fish you can catch in your mouth.

-Send e-mail messages that advertise free pizza, doughnuts, etc., in the breakroom. When people complain that there was nothing there, lean back, rub your stomach, and say, "You've got to be faster than that."

-When driving colleagues around, insist on keeping your car's windshield wipers running during all weather conditions to keep 'em tuned up.

-Reply to everything someone says with, "That's what you think."

-Practice making fax and modem noises.

-Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers, then cc them to your boss.

-Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy."

-Adjust the tint on your monitor so that the brightness level lights up the entire working area. Insist to others that you like it that way.

-Dont use any punctuation

-As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

-Ask people what sex they are.

-While making presentations, occasionally bob your head like a parakeet.

-At lunch time, sit in your parked car and point a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.

-Specify that your drive-through order is 'to go'.

-Stomp on plastic ketchup packets.


-type only in lowercase.

-Sing along at the opera.

-Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

-Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood. And the final way to annoy people:

-Send this e-mail to everyone in your address book, even if they sent it to you or have asked you not to send them stuff like this.

-- laffs (, March 18, 1999.

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