Y2k as Titanic

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y2k Titanic dialog:

Scene 1: The Launch

Shipowner Clinton: "This is the greatest culture ever. We're on a roll. I don't care about some little bug..hey, who's that cute little stewardess over there?"

Passenger (First Class) Milne: "Butthead."

Scene 2:

Lookout Ed: "Uh, we're heading for an iceberg."

Shipowner Clinton: "Shut up and steer. I'll pass a law that makes icebergs illegal."

Engineer Gore: "Maybe we should do something anyway, just to make the passengers happy."

Shipowner Clinton: "If you really insist. And make sure my personal lifeboat is working."

Scene 3:

Jack: "I love you."

Rose: "Then why are you going to let me get out of a lifeboat, and almost die for you? And what are we doing HERE?"

Lookout Ed: "ICEBERG!!"

Watch Officer Koskinen: "Okay, turn left. No, turn right. Hey, can this thing submerge?"

Master-at-arms North: "Hey, will this finally be my opportunity to shoot people?"

Scene 4:

Lookout Ed: "Sir, there's a hole in the ship. We're going to sink."

Shipowner Clinton: "No, we can't sink. I'll pass a law against it. Besides, this is the Titanic. Whoever heard of the Titanic sinking?"

Watch Officer Koskinen: "Well said, sir."

Shipowner Clinton: "See, John's doing all the work with only 3 people under him!! The American spirit will prevail. Nothing will challenge the American way of life, mom, or apple pie. That reminds me, I'm hungry."

Master-at-Arms North: "You're a NWO conspiracy theorist working on behalf of the mermaids. When we sink, you're going to become a prince of the mermaids. The mermaids put the iceberg there because they want to enslave the rest of us."

Passenger Milne: "Butthead."

Scene 5:

Engineer Infomagic: "Hey, there's water down here! And it's wet!! This systematically proves..that we're going to sink! And that our sinking will wipe out enough rich people to knock us back into the Dark Ages..and the force of the ship hitting bottom will cause an earthquake that will wipe out most of the Eastern Seabord!"

Engineer Hamasaki: "Damn."

Watch Officer Koskinen: "Stop your doomsaying and get back to work. The shipowner put this water there to save people the trouble of having to have showers."

Scene 6:

passengers deJager, Yardeni, and Pournelle are kicking ice around on the deck. "See, it'll just be a bump in the road."

Lookout Ed: "This is the ocean. There aren't any roads."

deJager: "Yes there is, the information superhighway."

Ed: "What's that?"

deJager: "Oh, it'll be invented in about eighty years or so."

Scene 7:

Watch Officer Koskinen: "This looks nasty. Get Mr Clinton's personal lifeboat ready."

Lookout Ed: "What about the passengers?"

Watch Officer Koskinen: "To hell with the passengers. There's lifeboats. And this ship won't sink. It's not allowed to."

Engineers Infomagic and Hamasaki come up onto the bridge, very wet.

Infomagic: "Uh, the ship's sinking."

Hamasaki: "That or someone left a tap running."

Koskinen: "You're both right-wing fanatic extremists. You're bad for the whole ship, with your panic-talking. The ship isn't sinking. We passed a law twenty minutes ago that said it wasn't allowed to. It also banned the icebergs and made it summer."

Scene 8: The Lifeboats

Jack: "There's only one space left. I want to die. Get in."

Rose: "No, you take it. I want to die."

Milne: "Why don't I take it- that way you can BOTH die!"

Jack/Rose: "Good idea."

Master-at-arms North: "Lefties. You scum deserve to die."

Scene 9: On the Bridge:

Koskinen: "Get the President. This ship's about to sink."

Steward: "Uh, he said he didn't want to be disturbed. He was signing a dress."

Koskinen: "What?"

Steward: "Yeah, Monica asked him to. She wants a souvenier."

Clinton: Comes running in, his trousers around his ankles. "What? this ship's sinking? Get me the liferaft!"

Steward: "Isn't it women and children first?"

Clinton: "Hey, I built this ship! Get out of my way!"

Steward: "Where's Monica?"

Clinton: "I handcuffed her to the bed. She likes that kinky stuff."

Scene 10: the ship is beginning to tilt.

Officer: "The ship is NOT sinking! This is just part of the planned entertainment for tonight. It would be against the law for this ship to sink. The Captain himself is staying right there." (Points to jet-powered motorboat hanging from davits at the stern. The boat drops into the water and races off.) "See how considerate he is? He's not interfering with you guys."

About sixty crewmen come running up onto the decks and crowd onto lifeboats. They drop them and start rowing away.

Officer: "Cowards. We should put them on trial."

A big crowd is forming around some of the other boats. One of them is being guarded by master-at-arms North.

North: "Keep back, I say- keep back! Unless you're a fanatical right-wing religious extremist like me!"

Cal: "I paid you a million dollars- let me on!"

North: "Capitalist!"

A couple of men try to push forwards. North shoots them.

North: "Damn it, nobody here's a fanatical right-wing religious extremist. I don't want to live in a world like this. I'm going straight to god." Puts gun to head and fires.

Scene 11: The tilt is about forty-five degrees.

Infomagic: "See?"

Lookout Ed: "Why are we still on this tub. Oh well, there's a lifeboat over there."

Watch Officer: "What? Captain Clinton has made this whole ship a slippery-dip for your pleasure, and you want to get OFF?"

The tilt becomes almost vertical, and the stern of the ship breaks off.

Watch Officer: "See, look at the expense he's gone to!"

Infomagic: "We have a 99.212573% probability of being killed. Sorry, I mean a 99.212574%. What WAS I thinking?"

Lookout Ed: "Where did Cory go?"

Infomagic: "Shut up and dive."

Scene 12: In the Water.

Jack: "Get onto this floating wreckage.

Rose: "I love you."

Jack: "Then let me get on."

Rose: "No."

Infomagic: "Get off the both of you, pollyannas."

Ed (to Infomagic): "Uh, is this nice?"

Infomagic (to Ed): "Historical inevitability gives romantic couples a 99.1834% chance of dying tragically." (Turns to Jack and Rose): "So get off. And gimme that pretty thing around your neck, it wouldn't be dramatically appropriate for a million-dollar gem to sink like that."

Rose: "Sorry. Here."

Scene 13:

Leo (in lifeboat): "Hey, I can make a movie about this and become a mega-millionaire!"

Milne: "Butthead."

Infomagic: "Hey, we're in the water!"

Milne: "Look out for yourself, Pollyanna."

Infomagic: "I've got this jewelry!"

Milne: "There's no room."

Leo: "Yes, there is. Someone get off."

Scene 14: Clinton's Lifeboat.

Captain Clinton: "We got through that pretty well, didn't we?"

Koskinen: "Yeah. Can I have a raise?"

Clinton: "Well, we'll have to institute a New World Order first.."

Koskinen: "By the way, what are you going to do about that?"

Clinton: "What?"

Koskinen points at an iceberg the size of the Empire State Building, about two feet ahead.

Clinton: "Does this lifeboat have lifeboats?"

Koskinen: "No."

Clinton: "You're fired."

Sorry for making you endure such bad scripting. It's quarter to 1 at night..

-- Leo (leo_champion@hotmail.com), December 15, 1998


Just re-read the piece of crap above. Is there any way to delete postings that you are REALLY ashamed of?


-- Leo (leo_champion@hotmail.com), December 15, 1998.

Hey!, Aren't YOU the one that was jumping down MY throat? Troll! Hehe

-- Randy (flembob@usa.net), December 15, 1998.

Don't even think about it Leo! Best laugh I've had in awhile!

-- other Lisa (LisaWard2@aol.com), December 15, 1998.

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