The Starship Millenium - -

Cast: - Capt D.Rather- son of the wealthy military/media mogul C_B_S - Lt Commander Olmsted- 2nd in command, a Starford Vulcan - Lt. Milne- Weapons commander, Klingon by birth - Science Officer ArrDee: A 4th generation compdroid (100 Terabyte) - Councillor Diane: A beautiful, voluptuous woman of indeterminate - age who is a class 9 empath. - - - Scene: The Millenium is carrying a large Terran delegation to the - planet NexCen for negotiations on further Federation expansion. A - garbled distress call is received enroute. The Y2k system, long - thought to be barren and uninteresting, is showing dangerous - instabilities that may threaten NexCen. The Millenium, commanded by - Captain Rather begins an investigation. - ---------------------------------------------------------------------- Capt D: "Lt. Milne.. Put us into a standard orbit about Y2K and go to yellow alert. The Federation said this place is deserted, but I don't like those faint emissions on the distress channel". - - - Lt. Milne: "Captain, those buttheads are worthless. I suggest we fire a couple photon torpedos at coordinates 7-11 before we get fried." - - - Capt D: "I'll consider it, Mr Milne. Mr. Olmsted - What is your - evaluation of the situation?" - - - LC. Olmsted: "Uncertain Captain, but the probability of a significant ion information storm is rising. I would suggest a maximum defensive posture at maximum orbit." - - - Capt D: "Won't that alarm our guests number one?" - - - LC Olmsted: "Perhaps Councillor Diane could explain our ....situation in non-threatening terms. She does have a certain approach which might be effective with some of the more emotive members of the delegation. It IS illogical, but effective as I have observed." - - - Co. Diane: "Why Mr Olmsted, I do believe that was a compliment!" - - - LC Olmsted:(right eyebrow only raises slightly, stares straight ahead) - - SO ArrDee: "Captain, the sensors indicate a rising disturbance in the Heisenberg Uncertainty field. We are now able to catch glimpses of the surface. There are tremendous force gradients gathering at planetary coordinates HCFA, DOD and IRS. A cobolian implosion could threaten all nearby star systems with deadly impdate particles. I am detecting traces of an ancient programmian culture. Artifacts on the surface are emitting the Uncertainty field." - - - Capt. D: "The distress signal must have come from the surface. Are there any lifeforms?" - - - SO ArrDee: "I think not. It would appear that the disturbances and the distress signal are from highly complex structures on the surface." - - Capt D: "Recommendations number one." - - - LC. O: "Go to Red alert and achieve a parking orbit on the other side of that desert moon!" - - - Capt D: "But we have a mission to complete Mr Olmsted. We must obtain some detailed information on this strange planet before we alert the Delegation. Remember, this place has been thought by everyone to be a tranquil uninteresting backwater for decades. For the time being lets observe closely and send a short report to Star base NewYuk." - - - Mr Milne: "But Captain, (sub text-you blithering idiot), we, and our guests are in grave danger. And what about the inhabitants of NexCen? Shouldn't we DO SOMETHING NOW??? - - - Capt D: "In time Mr Milne, In time..." -

to continue...........................

-- RD. ->H (drherr@erols.com), November 30, 1998

Answers

LOL LOL LOL

rotf!!!

more! more! (Milne was too quiet though....... :) )

-- Andy (andy_rowland@msn.com), November 30, 1998.

R.D., ROTFLH (Rolling On The Floor Laughing Hysterically).

Before that message is sent to the Delegation, I remind the Captain, that what was once a tranquil uninteresting backwater, is actually a dry creek bed positioned directly in the em-path of a breaking dam. Floodwaters approaching soon. Prepare the life rafts for entire crew, guests and unknown inhabitants as well as those of NexCen ... the vision is blurring ... hold on ... could get better ... shift within the uncertainty field ... the sleeping giant is flexing ... see the light up ahead ... row the bigger boat ashore ...

Diane

-- Diane J. Squire (sacredspaces@yahoo.com), November 30, 1998.

Captain, We're being hailed on a Starfleet frequency

"Rather, This is Kommander Deedakhan

If you will check your shields you will find them useless. As well, your Phasers and Photons. Our Y2k bugging device, which was implanted in Chekov on the Botany Bay has migrated, and done it's work well. Look behind you as we un-cloak. You are mine.

Submit or die.

-- Uncle Deedah (oncebitten@twiceshy.com), November 30, 1998.

Captain, check their shields you will find them useless too.

-- Diane J. Squire (sacredspaces@yahoo.com), November 30, 1998.

Be that as it may, Rather, My weapons ARE complient, yours are not.

-- Uncle Deedah (oncebitten@twiceshy.com), November 30, 1998.

ROTFLMAO!!!!! That was great!! Being a Star Trek lover I can only beg for more!!! Please???!!!! Donna

-- Donna in Texas (Dd0143@aol.com), December 01, 1998.

That is the funniest damn thing that I have ever read. I won't try to inject anymore Star Trek references, because I couldn't be as good at it as you are. It is very important for all of us to look at ourselves in a different way. Some of us have gone to extraordinary lengths to prove how serious we are on this subject. Perhaps we have lost sight of the real goal. RD, you've done a fantastic job of putting things in perspective. We're all stuck in a mess that we never anticipated.

-- Kilgore Trout (ktrout@fakeurl.com), December 01, 1998.

Cheif Engineer McRimmer 'ere Cap'n. The matters-doesn'tmatter interface in the main PR drive in becoming unstable. She's a spewing feelgoodatons all over the engineering deck but my confidenciometer is reading zero. We're doin the best we can Cap'n but I don't know how much a longer de engines il hold out. We don't have much time, Dan. Might I suggest the Corbomite Maneuver...

-- Arnie Rimmer (Arnie_Rimmer@usa.net), December 01, 1998.

psst...(whispering), Uncle Kommander, me thinks the word is "compliant". Be careful because the Starfleet spell checker/teacher is probably monitoring all communications.

-- Donna in Texas (Dd0143@aol.com), December 01, 1998.

RD,

Fantastic, fantastic! You certainly were paying attention to the drivel of last night. Congratulations, you got it all right.

-- Bob Walton (waltonb@kdsi.net), December 01, 1998.

ROFLMAOPIMP!!

May I suggest a few new characters for the next installment?

The omniscient 2-headed Ed's (Yourd-on and Yard-eni); "Damn it, I'm a DOCTOR, NOT a programmer" Gary North; and the evil, robotic, but nearly human Koskinen come to mind.

Keep it coming!!

-- Steve Hartsman (hartsman@ticon.net), December 01, 1998.

Rather, this is Deedakhan again, I have not heard from you. Perhaps Rather, perhaps you need a demonstration, a demonstration of my control over your vessel.

Captain! Systems are going off line! One by one! CaptainI I have no control over them!

Well Rather, Im waiting.

Bypass the control to engineering, Scotty, I need help here, what can you do for me?

Captain, I canna do anything, Ive no control here either! If only there was more time!

Revenge is a dish best served cold, Rather, it is very cold in space. Colder still when your ship is dark and powerless. I await your surrender.

-- Uncle Deedah (oncebitten@twiceshy.com), December 01, 1998.

Mmmm..revenge.

Uncle, it perhaps hasn't occurred to you that it's quite hard to serve revenge cold? Kinetic weapons (such as guns) tend to create quite a bit of body heat, and all the fun liquids (sulphuric acid, burning petrol, napalm, etc) tend to heat things up as well in the process of destruction. Thermite, which as everyone knows is great for burning holes in footpaths and enemy spacecraft, goes to 4000 degrees.

I guess you could use cold steel, but your average knife has a range of about 0.1 yards, not the best thing for long ranged space combat.

-- Leo (leo_champion@hotmail.com), December 01, 1998.

Very good one of the best postings yet. Think I'll ascribe Trek characters to members of the forum, perfect one for Diane, Marina whatsername was one of my favourites from the new gen, for obvious reasons.

-- Richard Dale (rdale@figroup.co.uk), December 01, 1998.

I think Koskinen is part of the Borg, as are most of the federal government "spokespersons".

Right now, I relate most to Capt. Janeway of the latest S.T. ("Voyager") in that she has to contend with a ship full of folks who just want to go home, and a ship that has to function in a strange new part of the Universe -- no roadmap (make that "starmap") and nothing but instinct and intelligence to get through. Oh, yes, just a sexy first mate to help ease the loneliness when beaming down for a landing "party" on a new planet.

"C'mon, Big Boy, let's go search for Intelligent Life."

-- Sara Nealy (saran@ptd.net), December 01, 1998.

Donna - Beverley Crusher Robert - Commander Riker Unk - Worf (in one of his better moods) Diane - the aforementioned Deanna Troi Hardliner - Scotty Ed - Jean-Luc Leo - Wesley Crusher

-- Richard Dale (rdale@figroup.co.uk), December 01, 1998.

Is the starship destined to wander aimlessly without the navigatorial input of Dr. Gary North ("I'm a hysterian... not a programmer.")? Meanwhile, back at Starfleet Command, the once dependable Capt. Gartner of Mission Control can't make up his mind about the status of the y2k system. Is it barren, or is it not? Is it really there? Does anyone really care?

-- Vic Parker (rdrunner@internetwork.net), December 01, 1998.

Wow...coolness. Thank you Richard. I love Beverly Crusher.

"Haha...I'm not a doctor but I play one on the Enterprise; I have great hair, I give good hypospray,... AND Jean-Luc has loved me madly from afar for decades!"

Great thread R.D.!

-- Donna Barthuley (moment@pacbell.net), December 01, 1998.

Wait a minute... who's "Data"? Richard of Dale?

-- Sara Nealy (saran@ptd.net), December 01, 1998.

"uh, Bridge, this is me, uh, Jack in the Kitchen. Yeah, I make desserts... uh, Captain, how do I get off this crazy ship?"

=====

-- Michael Taylor (mtdesign3@aol.com), December 01, 1998.

Yes, but Captain, remember to ask Kommander Deedakhan if his weapons have been TESTED, preferably on his own crew.

Pfft.t.t.t.t, klunk. Not working either. Now what?

-- Diane J. Squire (sacredspaces@yahoo.com), December 01, 1998.

Oh my weapon systems work quite well, the desolate planet below you is proof enough of that. They had no more of a defense against my Y2k device than do you, Rather. They died screaming and crying, I suspect you will face your doom more gallantly, but it IS your doom.

And now my patience has come to an end, Rather. You will beam yourself, alone and unarmed, aboard my vessel. When this is done I will release your ship and crew, return to them life-support and impulse power, and see that they set a course home.

You have now 12 minutes to abide me, Rather. If not, the blood of your crew is on your hands

-- Uncle Deedah (oncebitten@twiceshy.com), December 01, 1998.

Data? hadn't though of that, maybe haven't got a grey enough complexion. I like the way he scans his screen. Yes I like Bev. though wouldn't say no to the empath (neither does she). Haven't quite worked out who I'd like to be, maybe that character (Mudd?) who had a bevy of androids on his own planet.

-- Richard Dale (rdale@figroup.co.uk), December 02, 1998.

Maybe Deedah has that "Mudd" set up in the Kompound, on second thoughts Mrs D would never allow it.

-- Richard Dale (rdale@figroup.co.uk), December 02, 1998.

Come on, Kommander Deedakhan, you said 12 minutes and it's been 24 hours!

-- Gayla Dunbar (privacy@please.com), December 02, 1998.

(adjusted for the effects of orbiting a distant planet at near light- speed, your Earth Time may vary)

-- Uncle Deedah (oncebitten@twiceshy.com), December 02, 1998.

Translation Captain, his weapons still don't work. He merely claims to be the cause of the problem below. Perhaps he is only a sympton...

-- Diane J. Squire (sacredspaces@yahoo.com), December 03, 1998.

Captain Rather, this is Kommander Deedakhan,

You now have 5 minutes to comply Rather. You have been very quiet my old chum, how unlike you. Tribble got your tongue?

Since I am in complete control of this situation, I am free to impose new conditionsI do so now. In addition to yourself, you will also beam aboard my ship one Lt. Diane J. Squire. She too will be unarmed, however, you will see to it that her insolent mouth is tightly and securely gagged before coming aboard my vessel.

I do this as a humanitarian gesture toward your crew.

-- Uncle Deedah (oncebitten@twiceshy.com), December 03, 1998.

He, He, He, she chuckles, straping on personal, portable cloaking device.

-- Diane J. Squire (sacredspaces@yahoo.com), December 03, 1998.

(which has also been rendered useless by Deedakhans Y2k device)

-- Uncle Deedah (oncebitten@twiceshy.com), December 03, 1998.

No, still working over the next year, Captain.

-- Diane J. Squire (sacredspaces@yahoo.com), December 06, 1998.

"Ahh, Rather... My pity to you. You have suffered for a long time before I came upon the scene, how in your god's name did you live with the constant prattle of your Lt. Squire?"

"Let her try her girlish games to defeat my Y2k bugging device, her loss of course. A malfunctioning cloaking device is a truly horrible way to die, but, perhaps, less horrible than the plans that my crew had for her."

"Two minutes now, Rather. Are you a cuckold old woman who listens to junior officers when deciding how you make your moves? So quiet. Where is the man you used to be, the one who left me to die?"

-- Uncle Deedah (oncebitten@twiceshy.com), December 06, 1998.

you know... someone is printing all this out and working on the screenplay... to be directed by Mel Brooks and out by next summer.

Diane wrote, "He, He, He, she chuckles, straping on personal, portable cloaking device".

I MUST have one these! Do they sell these at my local Radio Shack?

Mike ===============

-- Michael Taylor (mtdesign3@aol.com), December 06, 1998.

Michael,

It helps to create your own with the thoughts you "buy" into.

We haven't heard from the rest of the next genereation crew lately. Perhaps we should just shut off the holodeck and Kommander Deedakhan with it. That would take care of the illusion nicely.

-- Diane J. Squire (sacredspaces@yahoo.com), December 06, 1998.

And yet another flash from the past!

-- Donna (moment@pacbell.net), September 15, 1999.

ROTFL AGAIN! Thanks Donna for digging this up! :-) As I recall, there had been some type of fluff report from Rather about Y2K.

-- Gayla (privacy@please.com), September 15, 1999.

All I can say is that I sure hope I don't get caught wearin one of those red shirts when in the y2k system. Those redshirted dudes (Scotty excluded) died like flies.

-- coprolith (coprolith@rocketship.com), September 16, 1999.

Good prep thread for those planning the journey to Mars today

-- * (***@__._), November 20, 1999.

How do you type a standing ovation? No wonder I lurk here instead of watching TV. Thank you, Thank you, Thank you, To all the cast: I sorely needed the entertainment

-- Guy Daley (guydaley@bwn.net), November 20, 1999.